Alright folks, gather around, because I'm about to tell you the tragic tale of "Scream." You might want to brace yourselves - it's scarier than the movie itself.
### Wes Craven: The One-Hit Wonder
First up on the chopping block is Wes Craven. Oh Wes, dear Wes. He gave us "A Nightmare on Elm Street," which was good - I'll give him that. But that's like saying, "I baked one good cookie in my life, so now I'm a master chef!" Everything else from his cinematic kitchen is just reheated leftovers from a horror buffet.
### Kevin Williamson: The Pen Behind the Pain
Next, let's talk about the writer, Kevin Williamson. At least, I think that's his name. I didn't bother to look it up because, quite frankly, he doesn't deserve the Google search. This is the guy who also wrote "I Know What You Did Last Summer," which should have been called "I Know You Stole This Plot from 'Prom Night'." The only thing good about that movie was imagining a spoof called "I Forget What You Did Last Summer."
### The Movie: A Carbon Copy Catastrophe
"Scream" starts off like a cheap knockoff of "When a Stranger Calls" - you know, the kind of knockoff you'd find in a dollar store bargain bin. That movie was fifty times scarier than everything Craven and Williamson have ever done, combined, and then multiplied by ten.
### Characters: Who Cares?
The characters? Let's just say we have as much reason to care about them as we do for a soggy piece of toast. Rose McGowan is there, looking nice, but that's about it. The real cherry on top of this horror sundae is the killer. Oh boy. They wanted to break the cliché of the indestructible horror villain, but instead, we got Mr. Bean in a Halloween costume. The guy trips over air! Why is he dressed in his spooky getup at the grocery store in broad daylight? Was he hunting for fresh victims in the frozen food aisle?
And when the killer's identity is finally revealed, it's like finding out your surprise birthday party is actually a tax audit. No shock, no awe - just pure soap opera nonsense.
### Horror or Comedy? Make Up Your Mind!
Is "Scream" supposed to be a horror or a comedy? It's like trying to be a vegan at a barbecue - it fails at both. Craven and Williamson thought name-dropping classic horror films would make theirs a classic too. All it did was make me want to rewatch "Halloween" and mourn the lost time I spent on this drivel.
### The Aftermath: An Army of Clones
But wait, there's more! The worst thing this movie did was inspire a legion of awful imitators. If you see a movie poster with a fresh-faced teen cast posing dramatically like in "Scream," do yourself a favor - run. Not walk, run. Because any movie influenced by "Scream" is like a cheap cologne knockoff - it stinks and gives you a headache.
### Final Verdict: Anti-Horror
"Scream" is the anti-horror movie. It's everything a horror film shouldn't be: shiny new teen actors, bright lights, a klutzy villain, choppy editing, bland directing, forgettable music, and more horror movie references than a film student's thesis. And the comedy? About as funny as a tax audit.
Do yourself a favor - skip this movie. Watch something truly great, like "Rosemary's Baby." Now, that's a horror film that won't make you scream... in frustration.
### Wes Craven: The One-Hit Wonder
First up on the chopping block is Wes Craven. Oh Wes, dear Wes. He gave us "A Nightmare on Elm Street," which was good - I'll give him that. But that's like saying, "I baked one good cookie in my life, so now I'm a master chef!" Everything else from his cinematic kitchen is just reheated leftovers from a horror buffet.
### Kevin Williamson: The Pen Behind the Pain
Next, let's talk about the writer, Kevin Williamson. At least, I think that's his name. I didn't bother to look it up because, quite frankly, he doesn't deserve the Google search. This is the guy who also wrote "I Know What You Did Last Summer," which should have been called "I Know You Stole This Plot from 'Prom Night'." The only thing good about that movie was imagining a spoof called "I Forget What You Did Last Summer."
### The Movie: A Carbon Copy Catastrophe
"Scream" starts off like a cheap knockoff of "When a Stranger Calls" - you know, the kind of knockoff you'd find in a dollar store bargain bin. That movie was fifty times scarier than everything Craven and Williamson have ever done, combined, and then multiplied by ten.
### Characters: Who Cares?
The characters? Let's just say we have as much reason to care about them as we do for a soggy piece of toast. Rose McGowan is there, looking nice, but that's about it. The real cherry on top of this horror sundae is the killer. Oh boy. They wanted to break the cliché of the indestructible horror villain, but instead, we got Mr. Bean in a Halloween costume. The guy trips over air! Why is he dressed in his spooky getup at the grocery store in broad daylight? Was he hunting for fresh victims in the frozen food aisle?
And when the killer's identity is finally revealed, it's like finding out your surprise birthday party is actually a tax audit. No shock, no awe - just pure soap opera nonsense.
### Horror or Comedy? Make Up Your Mind!
Is "Scream" supposed to be a horror or a comedy? It's like trying to be a vegan at a barbecue - it fails at both. Craven and Williamson thought name-dropping classic horror films would make theirs a classic too. All it did was make me want to rewatch "Halloween" and mourn the lost time I spent on this drivel.
### The Aftermath: An Army of Clones
But wait, there's more! The worst thing this movie did was inspire a legion of awful imitators. If you see a movie poster with a fresh-faced teen cast posing dramatically like in "Scream," do yourself a favor - run. Not walk, run. Because any movie influenced by "Scream" is like a cheap cologne knockoff - it stinks and gives you a headache.
### Final Verdict: Anti-Horror
"Scream" is the anti-horror movie. It's everything a horror film shouldn't be: shiny new teen actors, bright lights, a klutzy villain, choppy editing, bland directing, forgettable music, and more horror movie references than a film student's thesis. And the comedy? About as funny as a tax audit.
Do yourself a favor - skip this movie. Watch something truly great, like "Rosemary's Baby." Now, that's a horror film that won't make you scream... in frustration.