Starting Point

CHAPTER ONE

Tamara Coulter was my psychiatrist. She reminded me a bit of Diane Keaton: middle-aged with gray-brown shoulder length hair and a kind face. She was very smart and soft spoken, but her words were carefully chosen and usually fired with perfect aim.

She was the best the LAPD had to offer, and I’d been seeing her twice a week for six months. We’d covered a lot of ground, from the death of my mother to my going undercover, how I’d lost my hearing in one ear, how I’d almost lost Kira.

We talked about actions and consequences, but most of all, we talked about guilt.

From my first appointment, Tamara had talked about guilt. How it can paralyze or catalyze one into action. How it, more often than not, led to resentment and depression. She’d told me we’d be focusing more on guilt so I’d gone home and researched all I could, that way, at my next meeting, we could discuss it properly.

I have a photographic memory—a mind for details. Years as a detective did that. I’d read all the documents on guilt and other associated emotive behaviors I’d been able to find, which probably annoyed my doctor more than was productive. Too much time and the Internet were not a good combination.

Tamara had been surprised and amused, but in my attempt to be prepared and dedicated to getting help, I’d also shown her what she’d come to suspect—I was a control freak.

Apparently.

So then we talked about that too.

Actually, there wasn’t much we didn’t talk about.

I had to realize the doctor didn’t have the ability to take away my guilt. Only I could do that.

Tamara had said I needed to acknowledge that as part of my therapy, I had to seek absolution from whom I’d hurt. I’d argued that that seemed a little redundant to me. So I have to make Kira feel guilty, in order to absolve my guilt?

How so?

If he doesn’t forgive me, I can’t get better. That’s not fair on him. What if he’s not ready to forgive me? What if he can’t? You’re saying that he has to, no exceptions, or I carry this burden forever? What kind of horrible responsibility is that?

Do you think he should forgive you?

"I don’t think it’s right to ask if he should or not. That’s not fair. I want him to, yes. But if he should forgive me? That’s something only he can answer." I’d taken a breath and exhaled loudly.

Tamara had waited, the way she does, knowing I’d keep talking.

I think he has forgiven me, yes. For the life of me I can’t figure out why, or by what grace of whose god, but yes, he has.

Have you forgiven you? she’d asked.

I’m working on it. Every single day. It’s not something I’m going to wake up one day and be magically cured of. You know that, Tamara. You know I could spiel off some textbook answer so you can tick all the right boxes, but that’s not how this works.

Tamara had smiled. No, it’s not.

Then why make me say it?

Because it’s better for you to say it than for me to keep saying it. I know you’ve studied all you can on this, Matt. I know you’re capable of telling people what you want them to hear. You did, after all, exactly that to a team of department psychologists about going undercover.

I lied to them.

Yes, convincingly. I read their files on you. You knew exactly what they were going to ask, what they were going to look for, and how to be credible in your responses.

Do you think I’m lying now? I’d asked. I’d kept my emotions in check. I’d even given her a small smile.

Tamara had looked at me for a moment. No. No, I don’t. I think you’re working very hard at getting better, she’d said.

But I was pretty sure she wondered every now and again if I was telling her what she wanted to hear. Sometimes she’d look at me as though she was looking for some telltale sign of my lying to her. Most of my appointments with her involved debate and banter, and I wondered what today’s appointment might entail.

Today was a scheduled appointment, and I’d been looking forward to it. I had something to share. I was smiling. I hadn’t stopped smiling yet.

I knocked lightly on the open door. The woman looked up from the file in front of her and smiled. Matt, come in.

I closed the door behind me and sat in my usual seat.

You’re in a good mood today, she said brightly as I sat down.

My smile got wider. I am. Then I told her, still getting a thrill to say it out loud, I asked Kira to marry me.

Her eyes widened, and her grin matched mine. I take it he said yes.

He did.

That’s really good news, Matt, she said.

I can’t tell you how happy I am, I said, knowing I sounded like a school kid, and not really caring. It’s not a magical fix, and I still have a long way to go. I know that. I’m not pretending this is going to fix anything overnight, but it’s a good thing, yes? We’ve not set a date or anything. We’re just taking it one day at a time.

Tamara was still smiling. It is a good thing, she said. And it’s good you’re both aware that while it’s a positive step, it’s still good to be cautious. She tilted her head, in the way that she does. Did you think I wouldn’t agree?

I didn’t know what you’d think, I answered honestly.

You sounded like you were waiting for my approval or my disapproval.

I tend to babble a bit when I’m nervous or excited, I told her. But I didn’t want you to tell me we weren’t ready for this kind of commitment.

Tamara was still smiling at me. You didn’t plan it? Was it a spur of the moment thing?

I nodded. We were at Mitch and Anna’s wedding.

Ah, she said with a nod.

And after the speeches, and while Mitch and Anna danced, I just looked at Kira. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He signed, asking if I was okay. I signed back saying I was fine. And then I signed the words ‘Marry me’ across the reception hall, I told her, knowing my grin was ridiculous. He didn’t answer me straight away. We danced first, and we joked about his mom, how it’d keep her happy if she at least had some colors to work with when she planned the wedding. Kira said he thought blue and silver would be nice. Just like that, he picked out the colors to our wedding, well, for the invitations anyway. I asked him if that meant his answer was yes, and he said yes.

Tamara was grinning with me. Sounds very romantic.

I sighed, trying not to smile, which was futile. We kept it quiet though. We didn’t want to take anything away from Mitch and Anna.

Did you tell Kira’s parents yet?

Tonight, I told her. We’ll tell them tonight. They were up at the cabin this last week, so Kira called them and told them to come around for dinner tonight.

Do you think they’ll be happy? she asked. She always asked questions, like every answer was a test. It used to bother me, but I was used to it now.

I think so. Then I amended, Well, I hope so. They’ve been very good with me in the last six months. I think I’ve earned back some trust with them.

Kira’s parents were often a topic of conversation between Tamara and me. She knew how much I loved them, and how sorry I was that I’d hurt them.

I’m sure you have, she said. "The fact that Yumi calls you her Matty, I’m fairly certain she’ll approve."

I nodded and shrugged one shoulder. I just feel sometimes, not all the time, but I wonder how long I have to feel like I failed them.

Tamara looked at me for a long, quiet moment. That’s an interesting choice of words, Matt, she said. "You said you wonder how long you have to feel like you failed them. I’m sure they’ve forgiven you, but yet you still feel as though you owe them."

I think I will for a long while, I told her. And that’s not a bad thing. A little remorse every now and then means I’ll never take it for granted.

Tamara raised one eyebrow thoughtfully, which told me she didn’t really agree with me. Do you feel like you need to earn their trust again? she asked. Have they ever said that?

No, but I’d just feel better if there was something I could do that would tip the scales, you know? Make it better.

Like marrying Kira?

I shook my head. No. Please don’t reduce my love for him as some ploy to win favors with his parents, because that’s not fair.

Tamara almost smiled. That was a very good answer.

To a poorly worded question.

Tamara smiled again. Yes, it was. I apologize.

The corner of my mouth curled into a half-smile. This was the kind of relationship we had. We’d cross boundaries, prodding for reactions. Dr. Coulter knew I had the ability to keep my emotions in check and not react when someone else would. She’d dealt with enough detectives to know that. She was a little surprised I’d managed to fool the psych evaluations to go undercover, so she’d been wary with me from the beginning. But I swore to her, all pretenses were left at the door.

I’d explained to her, I was there to get better. I’d promised Kira I would do this, and I had every intention of keeping my word.

So our relationship was professional but brutally honest. It’s part of the guilt, yes? I asked. That I feel bad for what I’ve done. But there’s no time limit, is there? No expiration date, so to speak.

No, there’s not, she answered simply. You’ve apologized, and you’re working hard at righting your wrongs. That’s all you can do, Matt. It will take time.

I sighed. I swore to them that I’d work on it forever, and I will. I just feel sometimes that they look at me, and they’re remembering what I did, what I put them through. Then I admitted, I just want to move forward.

Is getting married going to do that?

Move forward? Yes. I want to spend my life with him, I told her adamantly. I want him to know I’m serious, and that there will never be anyone else for me.

Tell me, how are things going at the club? she changed subjects like I’d predicted. Really good. The guys are working so hard. Boss really runs a tight ship.

How’s Arizona?

He’s doing really well, I said. He’s just moved into a nicer place. His wife’s happy, so he’s happy. He just wants to do right by her and his little girl.

Tamara smiled again. He’s become a good friend of yours.

He has.

Do you see your old police partners much? she asked. We haven’t talked of them much lately.

They call into the club every now and then, I replied. And we try to catch up on weekends when they’re not working. Kira sees them at his work at the gym. I talk to Mitch on the phone when I can. They work different hours, and I know what that’s like.

But you all make the effort.

We do.

Tamara’s smile faded a little and she looked at something in the file in front of her. It’s been a while since we talked about the kids at the club? How are they doing? She titled her head. Claude, isn’t it? The child you mentioned before?

I nodded. They’re okay. She’s okay.

You worry about her in particular.

I do. I mean, I’ve always known kids live on the street. Everyone knows that, and as a cop, I saw it all the time, I explained. But it’s different now.

Because you’re seeing it from a different perspective.

I am, I agreed. But… I don’t know… I worry about them all, but especially about Claude. She’s a young girl on the streets… I know those stories don’t always end well.

Tamara sighed. Then you know what may very well happen to her.

You can’t know that, I said sharply. You can’t just presume she’ll end up some drugged out whore or dead in a dumpster.

Matt, Tamara said cautiously. My concern is you, and I’m worried that if something were to happen to her, that you’d feel responsible.

I looked out of the window and bit my fucking tongue.

You can’t fix everyone, Matt.

"I don’t want to fix everyone," I said, looking back to her.

Just her.

Yes… No. I don’t know. She’s just a kid.

You have enough to worry about with your own health, Matt.

I nodded but said nothing. She was right, but fucking hell, so was I. I didn’t want to argue with her or deal with unresolved shit today. I was still on a high from Kira saying yes to marrying me. I had even been excited to come here and tell Tamara, but it seemed wasted. I looked at my watch, then back out of the window.

Matt, you don’t agree with me, she said. It wasn’t a question.

Not really.

Would you like to discuss it?

No, not today, I said, finally looking at her. These last few days have been some of the best I’ve had in a while, and I’d like to be able to appreciate that without arguing. I shook my head. I think I’m entitled to a little bit of happiness, yes?

Of course you are, she said, in a tone that just pissed me off. All sweet and placating.

I stood up, cutting our appointment in half. Look, maybe today’s not the best day for this.

Matt, we can talk about whatever you want, she said, her tone still not wavering. Always calm and calculated.

I stopped, knowing walking out wasn’t going to help anyone. I bit back a sigh, but instead of sitting back down, I went and stood at the window instead. I didn’t speak first, but I also didn’t leave.

After a little while, Tamara said, So, when you break the good news to Kira’s parents tonight, are you telling them over dinner in a restaurant or telling them at home?

I smiled, despite my sudden downturn in mood. She knew exactly what topic would make me stay. Dinner at home. I was going to cook, but Kira thought it might be safer if he did.

And so we talked then about dinner and cooking and how I still sucked at it, leaving the session on a lighter note. As the meeting was wrapping up, Tamara reminded me of my next appointment. I’ll see you and Kira on Thursday.

Yep, we’ll be here.

Matt, I’m sorry to put a dampener on your mood earlier, she said. You were right. You deserve this happiness, and we should have focused on that today. Good luck tonight.

I gave her a genuine smile this time. Thank you. I got to the door but stopped before I walked out. We’re going to revisit a few things I tripped up on today on Thursday, aren’t we?

She laughed quietly. Yes, we will. But for now, go and enjoy dinner with your fiancé and soon-to-be in-laws.

I grinned at her words. My fiancé. I will.

I walked in through the front door and found Kira in the kitchen. He was wearing cargos and a black T-shirt, which matched the color of his hair perfectly. Hey, I said, putting down the brown paper bag of groceries so I could kiss his cheek.

Hey, he said, leaning his cheek out for me to kiss. Then he looked up from the chopping board at me for a moment. You look happy.

I am happy.

How was your appointment with Tamara?

Good, I answered, then told him how it had taken the shine off my day for a short while, but I was smiling again by the time I left. She said she’d discuss it in more depth on Thursday when we go in.

Kira nodded and continued chopping the bell peppers. No worries, he said.

It was great to see him smile again so freely. He had such a beautiful smile, and for a long while, I was the reason he didn’t. But in the last six months, since we’d been working through our problems, he’d been smiling more and more often. It still warmed my chest to see it.

What do you need me to do? I asked. Your mom and dad will be here soon.

Did you get the pie? he asked, eyeing the paper bag.

I did. And everything else you asked for.

Then you can set the table, he said. I just have to finish this salad and we’re done.

When I was almost done setting the dining table, there was a knock at the door. Before Kira could leave the kitchen to let his parents in, I stopped him. I’ll get it. Then as I turned and walked two steps toward the door, the room tilted, my head spun, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

CHAPTER TWO

Fucking vertigo.

The floor was on an angle, and even with my face pressed against it, it still wasn’t where it should be.

Then strong hands were on my shoulders, and Kira pulled me onto the sofa. There was another knock on the door, and Yumi’s voice followed. Boys? You there? Why you make us wait? You better be dressed in there. I not want to see that.

I smiled, despite the buzz in my head and the queasy feeling in my stomach. Kira was kneeling in front of me. One sec, Mom! he called out. He looked at my face, concerned. You okay?

I nodded. Yeah. I must have turned too quickly or something. Sorry.

He kissed my forehead as he stood up. Don’t apologize.

Kira let his parents in, and when Yumi and Sal saw me sitting on the sofa, they knew straight away what was wrong.

Oh, Matty, Yumi said, rushing over to sit beside me. You okay? You look pale. Did you fall?

I just turned too quick, that’s all, I said quietly. I’m fine.

This was the part I hated. Fucking vertigo from my middle ear injury which I’d received from fighting in unsanctioned, underground cage fighting. I’d almost lost Kira—I’d treated him so badly—and yet, he was nothing but concerned and attentive. The vertigo was a direct consequence of my actions, a physical reminder of what I had done, as was the deafness in my right ear. And every time I had a dizzy spell or a fall, Kira and his parents doted on me.

But this time, I refused to let the guilt eat at me.

I wouldn’t let it fester. I wouldn’t let it control me. I wouldn’t let it come between me and Kira again.

I hated the fact that it served as a reminder, for me and Kira, that I’d betrayed his trust. And I did feel as though every time he helped me through an episode, it was like a step backward.

But still, I knew it would hurt him more if I allowed the guilt to consume me again.

Yumi put her hand to my face. You sure you’re okay?

I smiled at her. I am. It wasn’t a full-blown vertigo episode, just a bit dizzy, that’s all. I just need to sit for a minute, then I’ll be right as rain.

Okay, she said. I’ll just go see Kira in the kitchen. With a pat on my leg, the tiny woman jumped up and darted through the door.

Sal sat down across from me. He raised his hands and spoke in sign language. Did you fall?

I nodded and signed back to him, Yes. I went to get the door, and the ground wasn’t where it should have been.

Sal frowned. Are you hurt?

I shook my head slowly. No. I’m fine, really, I signed. Then something occurred to me, something I should have thought about long before now. Oh, dear God.

Sal was adept at reading people, and when my eyes met his, I could tell he knew something was up. What’s wrong? he signed quickly.

I swallowed hard, and with a quick glance over my shoulder to double check we were still alone, I turned back to him. I need to ask you something, I signed, then kind of laughed at just how nervous I was.

He narrowed his eyes, curious. Yes?

I should have asked before now, and I’m very sorry I didn’t, I signed quickly, probably getting a word or two wrong. I guess I’m not asking permission, but I’m asking if you’d mind terribly if Kira and I got married?

He laughed, then signed slowly, You must be nervous, because that didn’t make sense. Sal’s reaction was not one I had been expecting.

I barked out a laugh and nodded. I didn’t think I’d got the words right. I wiped the palms of my hands on my thighs. I exhaled through puffed cheeks. I am nervous, yes.

Sal grinned at me, then his smile slowly faded and his eyes widened. I could almost see the pieces coming together in his mind. Married? he signed. You and Kira?

Before I could answer, Yumi and Kira walked into the room. Dinner’s ready, Kira said, then looked slowly between me and his father.

Yumi picked up on the mood in the room too. What you two talk about?

I stood up slowly, making sure my head didn’t spin. I just had to ask Sal something, I told them, knowing Sal would read my lips.

Sal stood up, and as his gaze fell on Kira, he grinned.

Kira glanced at me and raised one eyebrow in question. So I told him, I was trying to do this properly, but my sign language isn’t as good as I thought.

What you ask him? Yumi asked, looking up at the three men who towered over her. Why you not ask me?

My eyes darted to Kira’s, realizing this conversation was about to happen right now. I wanted it to be a surprise…

Kira looked genuinely shocked, even a little emotional. Did you just ask my dad?

I tried⁠—

Tried what? Yumi interrupted. Ugh, you boys!

Kira stepped in beside me and put his hand on my lower back. Mom, we were thinking blue and silver as a color scheme.

Yumi stared at us blankly. For what? Then she glanced round the living room, trying to find a clue of what we were talking about.

Kira smiled at his mom. For the wedding invitations. Then he turned to his dad. Matt asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

I guess in my head, I’d imagined Yumi throwing herself at us or at Kira, at least. But she didn’t. She just stood there, as though she’d not heard what Kira had just said. Or that she wasn’t too pleased with what she had heard.

It’s okay, Yumi, I started. "I know I haven’t been perfect, and I’m really working on being a better person for Kira, but I love him and I know I hurt him and you and Sal, but I promise⁠—"

My words stopped cold with the first of her tears. Oh, please don’t cry, I whispered, not really meaning to say it out loud.

Kira left my side and wrapped his arms around his mom’s tiny shoulders, and I was about to panic at her reaction when Kira turned to face me. He was smiling.

I looked at Sal then, who was also smiling. Speechless? he signed.

Kira nodded.

Sal chuckled and the big man threw his arms around me. When he let me go, he turned to his wife and put his hand on her shoulder. Yumi pulled away from Kira and smacked his arm. You make me cry!

Then she turned to me, and still teary-eyed, she hugged me. Oh, Matty.

Sal hugged Kira in congratulations, and Kira asked him, Did Matt really ask you for permission to marry me?

Sort of, Sal answered. "He tried, but his hands were shaking. All I got was something right, terrible, and married."

Yumi, now tucked into my side, swatted her hand at Sal. You leave my Matty alone.

Mom, Kira said. We thought you might like to organize it.

The wedding? she asked quietly.

Well, yes, Kira said. When we’re ready. We haven’t talked about dates or anything. We’re not in any great hurry, are we? he asked, looking at me.

I shook my head. Well, I’d marry you tomorrow, but I’d also wait years. Just whenever it’s right.

Kira smiled warmly at me, as though I’d said exactly the right answer.

Yumi looked up at me, then to Kira. You really want me to?

Yes, Mom, Kira answered.

Then she started to cry again and nodded into my chest.

We can discuss the rules later, Kira added.

Rules? she asked, standing up straight, dabbing her eyes with her sleeve.

Yes, Mom. Rules, Kira said with a smile. But we don’t have to go through that now. How about dinner first?

We sat at the table for one of my favorite dishes Kira cooked. It was a meatloaf style dish, with vegetables in it and some kind of sauce that was a Franco family secret, apparently. It was savory, spicy, and sweet somehow.

This is so good, I said. I scooped up another forkful. I tried to copy it once.

Kira looked at his parents and shook his head slowly. It wasn’t pretty.

Or edible, for that matter, I said with my mouth half full.

Yumi gasped. That’s why you want to marry my Kira! For the family recipes!

I laughed and swallowed my food. Yes, yes, you got me. That’s it, the only reason.

Sal grinned and put down his fork so he could sign. I don’t think the recipe would help Matt’s cooking.

Kira laughed really loudly, and Yumi’s lips twitched as she obviously tried not to smile. I just shrugged. True, I signed. I can make eggs on toast, I said and signed at the same time.

Kira tilted his head thoughtfully. Well…

I said I can make them. I didn’t say they tasted any good, I clarified.

Kira laughed and Yumi scolded him. You leave my Matty alone.

Thanks, Yumi, I said.

She frowned at Kira. He can make coffee. And the bed. I see him make the bed one time.

Kira laughed again, and I sighed dramatically. Sal chuckled and signed, And you want to be part of this?

I smiled at him and nodded. I do. But it’s okay. If they keep it up, they won’t get any of the pie I made.

"The pie you bought," Kira corrected me.

Bought, made, same thing.

The usual banter continued, and when our plates were empty, I offered to make everyone coffee to have with the pie. I placed the coffee pot on the table and bought out a tray with cups, sugar, and cream. I put the pie in the middle of the table. Pecan and caramel, I said.

That’s my favorite, Yumi said.

I know. That’s why I bought it, I told her. I wanted everything to be perfect.

Yumi sat back in her chair and sighed with a smile. Because you wanted to tell us you were getting married.

Yes, I answered. And because if you thought maybe it wasn’t such a great idea, then at least we’d have pie.

Why you think we wouldn’t think it was a good idea? she asked. Matty?

Well, I said slowly. Given what I put you all through…

Sal shook his head. We’ve forgiven you, he signed. "Kira has too. Maybe it’s time