The Parent-Teen Connection: How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships

Praise for The Parent-Teen Connection

Susan Caso addresses the complexities of the parent-child relationship, spanning from infant bonding to homework stress to suicidal ideations. This is a handbook to help us all address the mental health epidemic that is affecting our young people.

—Shairi Turner, MD, MPH, chief health officer, Crisis Text Line, mother of two

The Parent-Teen Connection is an invaluable resource for any parent. Susan Caso takes readers on an immersive journey that allows you to develop insights into the cycle of interactions you have with your teen and how to purposefully shift your response to foster improved connectedness.

—Jessica Hawks, PhD, child and adolescent psychologist, clinical director, Pediatric Mental Health Institute, Children’s Hospital Colorado, mother of two

Susan Caso has given families a precious gift: a roadmap for parents to understand and connect with their teens. This book is a must-read for any parent who wants to build an enduring, loving, and lasting relationship with their teenager.

—Tzivy Reiter, LCSW, director of Children’s and National Trauma Services, Ohel, New York

The Parent-Teen Connection is an invaluable resource for parents aiming to create a secure, emotionally supportive environment for their teens. This book is a must-read for parents seeking to bridge generational gaps and cultivate a nurturing, emotionally close environment with their teens.

—Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas, president of United Suicide Survivors International, mother of two

Susan Caso adeptly counsels readers on establishing trust and nurturing emotional bonds with their teens, imparting the skills necessary to cultivate an environment of open communication, validation, and unwavering familial support.

—Honey Beuf, executive director of The Liv Project, mother of three

Susan Caso has written a resource that we have long needed. Susan’s warmth, combined with evidence-based practice and practical advice, makes this a welcomed and necessary resource.

—Matt Mishkind, PhD, deputy director of Johnson Depression Center, father of three

This must-have book helps parents navigate parenting in a vastly different world from their own upbringing. We’re providing it to all our clinicians to support patients in breaking generational trauma cycles and bring peace back to their households with its profound insights.

—Liesl Perez, cofounder of Axis Integrated Mental Health, mother of four

The Parent-Teen Connection is an insightful and transformative guide for parents navigating the often-tumultuous teenage years. A must-read for any parent seeking to create a nurturing and supportive environment for their teenagers.

—Mary Gitau, MA, MSuic, founder and director of the Centre for Suicide Research and Intervention–Kenya, mother of two

Susan‘s book provides a clear blueprint for navigating many difficult challenges. This is a single resource for struggling parents filled with real stories that resonate from our kitchen tables and living rooms. A must-have for parenting in today’s wilderness!

—Nelson Trujillo, MD, Boulder Community Health, father of three

Susan’s words are inspiring and deeply resonant, and her book is a valuable resource for parents, educators, and anyone working with young people. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to make a positive difference in the lives of children and teenagers.

—Jenna Clinchard, executive director, Rise against Suicide, mother of two

The Parent-Teen Connection empathetically and clearly discusses how to become a trusted adult and how to navigate the many stressors impacting young people. This book is a critically helpful resource for parents or caregivers hoping to improve their relationships with their teenagers.

—Lena MQ Heilmann, PhD, suicide prevention expert and sibling suicide loss survivor

The Parent-Teen Connection

How to Build Lifelong Family Relationships

Susan Caso, MA, LPC

Radius Book Group

New York

Radius Book Group

A division of Diversion Publishing Corp.

www.radiusbookgroup.com

Copyright © 2024 by Susan Caso

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other information storage and retrieval, without the written permission of the publisher.

Radius Book Group and colophon are registered trademarks of Diversion Publishing Corp.

For more information, email [email protected]

The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

First Radius Book Group Edition: October 2024

Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-63576-936-4

e-ISBN: 978-1-63576-930-2

Book design by Scribe Inc.

Cover design by Jen Huppert

Interior graphics by Sorina Rosoiu

A Stand of Aspens: A Metaphor for Connectedness

Aspens are linked to each other by their deeply connected root system, creating a single organism, a family. They rely on each other and act as one collaborating system, working in unison. They are sensitive and respond to each other’s needs in the grove, which brings resilience and their ability to thrive. Their collective strength is foundational. Aspens are grounded in belonging, yet each stands as a unique individual. It is known that a family of aspens produces a peaceful and comforting sound as their heart-shaped leaves rustle in the wind.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Connectedness

Chapter 2 Belonging

Chapter 3 Effective Communication

Chapter 4 Self-Reflection on Your Past

Chapter 5 Introspection

Chapter 6 Between: What’s Going on between You and Your Teen—from Trigger to Volley

Chapter 7 External Influences That Cause Stress and Disconnection

Chapter 8 Modeling Healthy Adult Relationships

Chapter 9 Transparency and Connectedness, a Positive Feedback Loop

Self-Care and Coping

Resources

Acknowledgments

Notes

Introduction

Why I Wrote This Book

I heard a concerned mother’s voice wavering on the phone. She conveyed a familiar, subtly alarmed tone, one I’ve used myself when worried about my own children. Sally had called to talk about her daughter Ella. Sally recognized something was off but didn’t know what exactly. Ella seemed down and closed off and had been isolating in her room. She wasn’t eating much at meals. She had stopped hanging out with friends after school and was spending more time gazing at her phone’s screen, endlessly scrolling for updates. Sally and her husband tried to discuss it with her, and while Ella wouldn’t share anything with them, she asked if she could see a therapist.

I met Ella a few days later. In our first session, Ella shared that each day felt like a struggle. She talked about the pressures she was facing at school and the difficulty she was experiencing navigating her social world. She felt alone in dealing with the reality of her life. Carrying it all by herself felt heavy, and there was a feeling of hopelessness. She shared that she wished things were different at home.

I asked, What would ‘different’ look like?

Ella said, I want to feel comfortable talking to my parents about what is going on with me. Well, really, my mom. I want to be able to talk to her about how I am feeling. We just don’t do that. It kinda feels like it’s all business at home. We talk about school and what I need to get done, but we don’t talk about how I am really doing. I guess it would be nice if I could feel emotionally close to my mother.

Ella wasn’t the first teen I’ve heard say this. Many teens who come to my office tell me, We don’t talk about how we feel at home. I would like to feel closer to both of my parents.

The primary attachment between child and parent is the most critical. It feels natural for a teen to want to reach out to their parents for all sorts of questions and support in times of distress. Yet if we do not prepare the groundwork of open communication, which includes talking about feelings, communication attempts can bring hesitation and fear. That means teens begin sitting in tough feelings alone, which can be hard, confusing, and sometimes scary. Teens are left holding all their emotions themselves.

I asked Ella if she wanted my help to share her desire to be closer emotionally with her mother. She said yes. Her willingness to ask for this help was courageous. It speaks to the strong desire teens have for emotionally close relationships with their parents.

I then asked her, How do you envision my support? Do you want to tell her with my support during a session? Would you like me to start the conversation while in a session with your mother? Or do you want me to share this without you in the room?

Ella wanted me to talk with her mother without her being present. When teens respond with, Please share with me, not in the room, they usually don’t see how it would be possible to talk about their feelings with their parents.

I always offer these scenarios to give clients control over sharing openly with their parents, letting it be on their terms. I am always sending the message that any opening in communication in our sessions is good to share with your parents.

The most important connection a teen has is with their parents. That’s where long-lasting change and support can happen. I don’t want to be their therapist for the rest of their lives, but parents continue to be parents for life, so I ask, Wouldn’t it be best if you could talk this way with your parents, too?

Of course, I think, This is great news! A child saying they want to share more with their parents and be emotionally closer—what could be better? I was jumping for joy at the progress that we could make now. So I emailed Ella’s mom and asked her to come in.

Mom sits down, and I tell her, Your daughter has shared that she wants to be comfortable sharing her feelings with you. She wants to be more emotionally close to you.

I could see Mom taking in what I had to say, nodding, thinking. There was a pause for a few minutes, and she said, Okay, can you hand me a piece of paper and a pen? I did.

She then asked, How do I do that?

I felt for Ella’s mother. We only know what we know—our experience. Ella’s mother’s experience was not one of emotional closeness with her parents growing up.

The Generational Divide: Getting Comfortable Sharing Feelings

Adolescence has always been a time when teens begin to see their parents as human. They begin to de-idealize them. Naturally, the loss of idealization causes some friction in communication as parents sense the shift. Beyond that traditional gap, however, I can see an even wider generational gap between teens and their parents today regarding communication.

We have evolved in what we know to be healthy relational interactions and what our kids are watching from an early age reflects. Channels like Disney depict common preteen and teen issues and often model best practice interactions between parent and child in resolving those issues. Life doesn’t often go like that in the real world, but our kids get frustrated when what is happening on the screen doesn’t match what is happening at home.

Teens have easy access to endless information, and online discussions about mental health and the widespread use of psychological lingo in our culture have made them more emotionally aware. They want to have conversations about feelings—but this can create a wedge in the parent-teen relationship for those parents who’ve grown accustomed to not sharing feelings. I became determined to help families bridge these gaps and give them the skills to communicate and connect with heart.

Listening for a Living versus Listening to Your Child

I listen for a living, and I absolutely love my job! I help individuals—especially teens—make sense of what they are feeling. I help them see how their emotions drive their thoughts and actions. I’m able to do this for two reasons. First, because teens allow me to, which is an amazing privilege. Second, because I provide a safe space. I’m not going to tell them they’re wrong for how they’re feeling. I don’t carry judgment for what they feel. I am just listening.

My relationship with teens is somewhat one-sided. I use my own emotions to help guide my time with my clients. I express how I feel about them in an empathetic way, but that is where it stops. They don’t need to care for my emotions while trying to figure out their own. I don’t carry along a history of injuries from my relationship with them, making our interaction a complex dynamic of debate, blame, and defensiveness—as sometimes happens with parents.

I provide a safe and supportive space for a client to be open and honest. They muddle through their own feelings with someone more or less holding their hand. As a result, they feel seen, heard, and validated in their own experience.

As a parent, you have a more difficult job than a therapist in listening to and interacting with your teen. The story within your relationship with your teen can get in the way, as you undoubtedly have developed a pattern of interaction during stressful moments. As your child has their emotions, you have your own feelings to maneuver through. A therapist listening and empathizing does bring reassurance and comfort to clients. However, when you listen and reassure your teen, it brings them even more comfort. That’s thanks to the unique and powerful parent-child attachment bond.

Connectedness sketch

Parents and Teens Can Learn Skills to Create Connectedness

For Ella’s mom, I drew the original connectedness heart-shaped graphic—borne out of twenty years of clinical practice and my experience with hundreds of teens.

Since it resonated with Ella’s mom, I went home that day determined to find an easier way for parents and anyone in a relationship to understand how to create a safe connection. I wanted to create something easily digestible—especially for busy parents who need different ways of absorbing information.

Not discounting the interpersonal work involved, I knew a visual (or set of them) could help get key points across quickly while simultaneously sharing the whole picture. It is much easier to make headway toward a better and safer relationship within the parent-child relationship than in any other type of relationship.

As I began sharing the infographics with clients and speaking about connectedness at nonprofit organizations, mental health clinics, and school districts, I continued to refine the content. I have used many iterations of the graphics with parents and have seen a difference in how they relate to their children.

After their parents use these tools, teens in my office say things like Mom hugged me today, My parents really listened and just didn’t lecture me, or They apologized to me. I might even hear My parents are changing for me.

From parents, I hear My kiddo listens and connects with me now, We have many things to bond over now, so we fight much less often, or I can’t believe I have my teen back.

In the beginning, I wanted some tools that would complement therapy. As time passed, I began to see their value. I realized to reach more parents, the next step was to write a book that encompasses the concepts behind the graphics.

What You Can Expect in This Book

The Parent-Teen Connection is designed to help you cultivate the feeling of connectedness with your teen. Ella’s story shares a teen’s desire to be emotionally close to her mother. Her mother shared the same desire but was unsure how to relate better with her teen, which brought emotional closeness. Many parents and teens are looking for closer connections; this is just one story. It may be your story too.

I used the word teen throughout this book to be concise, but teen should be considered synonymous with preteen and young adult. Adolescence ranges from ages ten to nineteen. The young adult age range is from fifteen to twenty-four. Ideally, the earlier we practice these concepts, the better, but there’s a lifetime of influence between parents and their offspring. The overall concepts in this book are universal. However, modifications may be required in certain circumstances for a neurodiverse individual. Additionally, the terms mom and dad are used throughout the book. However, families come in all shapes and sizes. A teen could have two moms or two dads. There are both single dads and single moms. Grandparents, aunts, or uncles may be the primary parents. Families are also not necessarily biologically related. The term primary caregiver applies whenever mom or dad is written. There are many stories in this book about families, teens, and parents. Each person’s name and identity has been changed to protect their privacy. All the stories of my family are true.

This book will show how to build trust with teens and strengthen your felt connection. While critical to our ability to thrive, this feeling is almost in danger of extinction today.

Chapter 1 provides an overview of the connectedness concept. As you will learn, connectedness is a felt sense that is associated with a secure attachment.

Chapter 2 details why belonging is critical to your teen’s mental health. While parents often assume their children feel like they belong at home, the reality is that many teens feel like outsiders in every setting today. I’ll show you how to approach this delicate topic purposefully.

Chapter 3 explores communication, looking at typical patterns and frustrations between parents and their teens. We look at what’s going on beyond the words said.

Chapters 4 and 5 delve deep into self-reflection, looking through an attachment theory lens at your past and present. We’ll examine various influences that affect your parenting and communication styles today.

Chapter 6 looks at what might be going on between you and your teen and provides a framework to break down your patterns of interaction.

Chapter 7 explores external influences on teens and parents. I talk about the heightened pressure teens face today and will explore the nuances of mental health considering the always on, hyperconnected world—including news, media, and social media. I’ll offer some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries in this area.

Chapter 8 looks at the parents’ relationship—whether married or divorced—and how conflict can impact your teen in many ways, including a secure attachment.

Chapter 9 concludes the book by looking at vulnerability as a stepping-stone to emotional transparency as well as illustrating how transparency and connectedness relate.

I wish you all the best in cultivating a strong connection with your teen that lasts a lifetime.

Chapter 1

Connectedness

Parenting. No Pressure, Right?

Every day as a parent is like the first day of a new job. Once you think you have it figured out, something changes. Your kid moves on to another stage of development, and you must pivot to meet their newest needs.

Kids have specific ways of being (their nature), but how you interact with them (your nurture) makes a significant impact on their development. Nurturing a child’s development even impacts how certain biological aspects play out. Just as a seed holds potential for growth, that seed must be nurtured to bloom into a flower. Your teen needs daily nurturing through an emotional connection with you. How you are with your children impacts their well-being.

Parenting—from birth into adulthood—is an enormous role. Being your kid’s mom or dad is just the beginning. You become their nurturer, safety monitor, moral compass, strategic planner, nutritionist, emotional nurse, confidant, taxi driver, chef, alarm clock, taskmaster, financial supporter, mentor, reality check, and cheerleader.

It can seem overwhelming, but the good news is you don’t have to be a perfect parent. You don’t have to be perfect in any of your relationships. The most essential thing in relationships is to cultivate connectedness.

The connection between a primary caregiver (usually a parent) and a child is typically the most critical connection the child will ever have. It’s so much more than your child knowing you love them.

When adolescents talk about their relationship with their parents, they say, I know they love me—they do a lot for me—but I am not sure how they really feel about me. Parents do so much for their kids, and these actions do demonstrate love. However, often these labors of love are accompanied by stress and exasperation.

Often, I have parents do an