First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You

Introduction

Imagine you are sitting at a bar with your best friend, who is about your age, similarly attractive, and intelligent. You both strike up a conversation with the bartender. You’re all laughing and having a good time. But as the conversation goes on you realize the bartender is paying much more attention to your friend than to you. You feel hurt, and a little confused.

At your spouse’s company party you meet many new people and are generally having a good time. On the way home, you have an uneasy feeling that you may have made a fool of yourself. You ask yourself whether you talked too much, told too many jokes, or were rude to the boss’s wife. You question your husband closely, and he assures you that you were, in fact, charming and entertaining. But you still feel uncertain.

You’re on an airplane flying from California to Chicago. The woman sitting next to you is interesting and engaging. You talk about the business trips you are returning from, your ex-spouses, and your favorite restaurants. You both admit you are single and hate the dating scene. At the baggage claim you exchange phone numbers. Yet when you call your traveling companion a few days later, she doesn’t return the call.

Encounters like these occur all the time. We meet people whom we like, want to work or socialize with, but who don’t seem to return our interest. We leave parties worrying about what people thought of us.

Though these meetings and the impressions we leave may seem fleeting, they can often have a far-reaching impact on our lives. An impression is important in the sense that there is a retained remembrance, a lasting sense of someone or something. A first impression is our first and sometimes only opportunity to provide someone with a sense of who we are—a sense that will most likely be a lasting one. This is one of the reasons why first impressions are so crucial in terms of how others will view you and whether they will want to get to know you better.

First impressions is a topic of classic interest, and also particularly timely in today’s world. For centuries people stayed in the communities in which they were born. They formed relationships, socialized, and conducted business with people they knew their whole lives. Now, however, we live in an age in which people move to new houses and cities, change jobs, make new friends, and form new relationships at a more rapid rate. First meetings happen so frequently, we hardly even register them. We might interact with someone new every day—another parent at our child’s school, a new coworker or client, a store clerk, someone at the gym or in line at a coffee shop.

In these encounters, we may talk about the weather or what’s going on in our lives and develop an initial understanding of others. Based on this very brief interaction, these strangers will form an opinion of us and probably will decide whether they like us or not. Whether we are perceived as sincere, interesting, or fun will determine whether others will be attracted to talk with us again, hire us, socialize with us, or date us.

Wouldn’t you like to know what people are thinking about you?

This book will help you answer the questions How do others see me? What do they see beyond my physical presence? and How can I make a better impression? We provide the information you need to answer these questions by outlining the relationship between what you say and do and how others will likely perceive you. We’ve found that these relationships are extremely simple, but not always intuitive, even to the intelligent and well educated. While this knowledge is critical to success in life, it isn’t taught in school, and rarely does anyone tell you this information honestly and objectively.

OUR EXPERIENCE

Our expertise in first impressions stems from our many years evaluating and coaching leaders and managers in Fortune 100 companies. We interact with professionals in role plays or simulated business situations, such as meeting a new client, and observe the way they present themselves and manage the conversation. We then provide feedback on the effectiveness of their communication, their sensitivity toward others, and the clarity of their ideas, among other things. Over the years we noticed that intelligent, competent executives were often unaware of the effect that they had on other people. Understanding the nuances of their communication style was invaluable to these business professionals in improving their effectiveness in the workplace and in their overall relationships with others.

After some experience with this work, it became clear to us that everyone could benefit from this kind of personal, objective feedback. However, it was available only to professionals in large corporations or to patients in psychiatric hospitals who needed to learn very basic social skills. There was no service available for average people to learn what type of first impression they made. So we decided to fill that gap and founded a unique business, First Impressions, Inc., in New York City.

At First Impressions, Inc., we use the same methodology, but focus on the social world. We go on a simulated date or social meeting with clients in a café, and, while interacting, observe their interpersonal styles and manner of self-presentation. Following the date, clients join us in our office for a feedback session. We ask them what they intended to project about themselves and how they thought they came across to their date. We compare their beliefs to our perceptions, and provide them with specific supportive and constructive feedback.

This method is extremely effective in both the business and social worlds in helping people learn about themselves, and our clients love getting this kind of feedback. Most clients report that they learned things about themselves that no one had ever pointed out to them before. They also discovered that by changing what seemed to them to be a small or insignificant behavior, they received much more positive reactions from others.

In this book we show you what we show our clients. We deconstruct a first impression into its seven fundamentals—accessibility, showing interest, conversational topics, self-disclosure, dynamics, perspective, and sex appeal—and help you see how you come across in each element.

OUR CLIENTS

Our points are illustrated with client examples, drawing on the experiences we have had working with clients from all walks of life—old and young, male and female, outgoing and shy, straight and gay. We provide three kinds of examples:

1. Business clients. Some of these examples come from simulated meetings and feedback sessions. Others are from our direct experiences meeting clients for the first time and then speaking to them about their self-presentation. And several examples are taken from business situations that our clients have recounted to us.

2. First Impressions, Inc., clients. When on a simulated date with a client, a consultant goes by the name of Susan or Nick. Nick and Susan are actually psychologists, but present themselves as nonpsychologists, using past professions for their aliases when conversing with their dates. Throughout the book, when you see Susan and Nick, it indicates a First Impressions, Inc., consultant on a simulated date.

3. Everyday encounters. These examples are taken from common social situations—at parties, airports, and the like—that clients, friends, and colleagues have shared with us or that we’ve personally experienced or observed.

Names and identifying information about people used in the examples have been changed.

We use business, dating, and social situations to illustrate the fundamentals of first impressions in a variety of contexts—and to highlight the fact that your style of presenting yourself transcends situations. The context matters, of course, and will determine the subject matter of what you discuss. For example, you probably talk about your personal interests in a social situation and address business issues with a new client. But in general, regardless of the situation, people form a first impression of you more by your style, such as how you show interest in them, navigate topics, and self-disclose, than by the content of your discussion.

OUR APPROACH

Our approach is different from other self-help books in that we make no prescriptions about how people should present themselves. There is no one right first impression or right way to communicate. A good first impression is one that reflects the real you. If you are presenting the best of yourself, the self you want to share, then you are making the impression that is right for you.

We aim to inform you, not to change who you are. You may learn that you come across in a way that isn’t widely appealing but be okay with it. For example, you may find out that you come across as cynical or negative, but not want to change that because you like a cynical edge and like others who share that style. What we do is help you identify gaps between how you think you come across and how others actually perceive you, so you can make changes if you want to and when you want to. Of course, we respect that you may not want to impress everyone you cross paths with. But with a little knowledge, you can make positive impressions effortlessly and automatically.

We acknowledge that few people strive to please everyone—aside from politicians, that is. There are individual differences in what people like and seek out in others. But at the same time, there are universals—elements of interpersonal style that are more broadly appealing than others. For instance, most people like those who listen well and are entertaining and interesting. Focusing on these universals will help you understand what aspects of your style are broadly appealing and which of your behaviors are not universally appealing—so you can be aware of the messages you send and anticipate favorable or unfavorable reactions from others.

These universals are just that, behaviors that are appropriate and attractive for everyone, no matter their age, physical appearance, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or race. For that reason, in our examples we focus on what our clients say and do, not their demographic characteristics. Most of these universals transcend gender. For example, smiling, showing interest, and taking turns when speaking are attractive and common behaviors in both men and women. Where there are gender differences, we point them out. For instance, men have a greater tendency to present factual information in a first meeting—what we call male-patterned lecturing.

Where first impression behaviors do vary, however, is among cultures. There are many cultural differences in what is considered normal and engaging in first meetings. What’s appealing in Japan is much different from what’s appealing in Brazil. While we acknowledge this, we are going to concentrate on the norms in American culture.

Our focus is on one-on-one, face-to-face interactions in social, business, and everyday situations, such as meeting new colleagues, first dates, and talking to strangers at a party. We address the first conversation you have with someone—not just the first few seconds of sight. We focus on your psychological first impression—that is, what kind of person you present yourself to be—rather than your physical first impression—what you convey with your physical appearance and style. Of course, appearance matters in how others perceive you, but how you react to others and present yourself matters even more, and will enhance or detract from your physical presentation.

THE BENEFITS TO YOU

You may be thinking, Okay, I could make some changes in the way I present myself to make a really great first impression, but why should I bother? Sure, I meet new people, but I am who I am. I don’t want to change that. My friends and colleagues like me as I am.

The most important reason to understand the first impression you make is that it may not accurately reflect who you are—that is, how you really know yourself to be, or how your close friends see you. You may be misperceived in ways that you are not aware of. For example, if you are shy, you may come across as aloof; if you are very talkative, you may come across as self-absorbed. Meeting new people can cause even the most confident people some anxiety, stemming from uncertainty about being liked and accepted. New people haven’t spent enough time with you to know and love you for all your positive qualities, and will therefore form an opinion based on limited information, such as your body language and style of conversing.

If you know you are making the impression you desire, you have the peace of mind that you have presented an accurate picture of yourself to others. If you are accepted or rejected, it will be because of your real qualities, not because you were misrepresenting who you are. You can gain control over whether and how relationships develop. If you tweak your style, people may respond to you more positively, and you may get more pleasure out of everyday encounters. You can become more confident in new situations. You may even be able to transform a neutral or negative interaction into a more mutually satisfying one and have more compassion and acceptance for people who may make common first impression miscommunications.

WHAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW

You don’t always see yourself as others do. Some people see themselves as less interesting and appealing than others see them. However, many people put a favorable spin on their personalities and personal presentation. It’s easy to overlook your own shortcomings. In our experience, most people send many appropriate and positive messages yet have a few blind spots, areas where they send unintended messages that put others off.

Before you read further, take the following short self-evaluation. Read through this list of behaviors and reflect on whether each is something you do usually, sometimes, or rarely. Check the box that fits your self-impression.

Do you think about the messages that these behaviors convey to others? Typically, the first four send positive messages, and the latter four can send negative ones. In Part II, The Seven Fundamentals of a First Impression, we’ll explain these behaviors, and how they make others feel, in more depth.

Tables like this are included at the end of each of the chapters in Part II. They provide a great opportunity for you to assess your own behavior. The more you use these tables, making checks and notes, the more you will be able to understand the patterns of your unique first impression style.

HOW THIS BOOK IS STRUCTURED

Part I is about the psychology of first impressions—how they are formed, what people look for, and why they are so important. Part II outlines the seven first impression fundamentals. And Part III shows you how to synthesize what you’ve learned and actually make changes to your first impression style.

WAYS TO READ THIS BOOK

There are two ways to read this book. They’re both good. If you’re like us, and think psychology is fascinating, you’ll want to read the book in the order presented, by starting with the Psychology section, then moving on to the specifics in the Fundamentals section. If you are more into the practical or are especially eager to learn about yourself, you can skip the Psychology section and move right to the core of the book—Part II: The Seven Fundamentals of a First Impression. You can go back to the Psychology section later.

TIPS ON HOW TO GET THE MOST FROM THIS BOOK

1. Open your mind to seeing yourself in an objective, nonjudgmental way. Focus on yourself, not on evaluating or changing others. It’s always much easier to see first impression faults in others than to see them in yourself. We all know somebody else who talks too much or goes into way too much detail. As you are reading through the examples, you’ll probably quickly connect a flaw with someone you know. But, as others are reading this book, an example may remind them of something about you, something you may continue to overlook if you don’t reflect and consider yourself. If you get used to the idea that you, like everyone, can at times be an annoying somebody else, you’ll learn much more.

2. Self-assess as you go. We present a lot of information, so it’s helpful to think about each section and self-assess before moving on to the next chapter. Use the tables provided to check whether you do each behavior usually, sometimes, or rarely. Some people don’t like writing in books. If you’re one of them, you can print the tables from our web site: www.FirstImpressionsConsulting .com. It’s important to note the things you do well, and be confident in those strengths, as well as behaviors that may send the wrong messages. Then we’ll review your self-assessments in Part III: Tweaking Your First Impression Style, and refer back to those tables to pull out the one or two things overall that you would like to improve.

3. Apply what you learn right away! Try out what you learn the next time you are in a new situation. You may find that even fine tunings will result in very different reactions. Our hope is that by the time you have finished this book, you will already be noticing changes in the way others react to you in day-to-day situations. We also hope that you will feel more confident and comfortable in your ability to make the impression you want, from innocuous encounters to