Candy Everybody Wants

AUGUST 1981

ONE

DALLASTY! OCONOMOWOC LANDING.

A JAYSON BLOCHER PRODUCTION

DIRECTED BY JAYSON BLOCHER

WRITTEN BY JAYSON BLOCHER

CASTING BY JAYSON BLOCHER

COSTUMES AND MAKEUP BY JAYSON BLOCHER

EPISODE III: CORNFIELDS ABLAZE!!!

SCENE 18

Open on PATRICIA EWING, and AMETHYST CARRINGTON sunbathing on floating diving platform in skimpy string bikinis. Patricia Ewing looks totally sexy wearing a swirly Pucci suit, and Amethyst Carrington also looks hot in a Lily Pulitzer extravaganza. J. B. EWING paddles up in the convertible Ewing-Carrington pedal boat.

PATRICIA EWING: (sarcastic) Well hello there J.B., you jerkface. Welcome home from work.

AMETHYST CARRINGTON: He is not a Jerkface AT ALL, Patrica! He is the father of our child! Who will one day inherit control of all of the Ewing-Carrington farmland!

J.B.: (setting drink on dock and climbing out of pedal boat) For your information, ALL OF THE EWING-CARRINGTON CORNFIELDS HAVE BEEN SET ABLAZE!

AMETHYST CARRINGTON: NO!

J.B.: YES!

AMETHYST CARRINGTON: NO!

J.B.: YES THEY HAVE!

PATRICIA: I hope my husband Robbie is out there saving the day.

J.B.: Why would he be? Your loser husband, who is my loser brother, was the one that set them on fire!

PATRICIA: (standing up and poking her finger into J.B.’s tan chest) I have had quite enough of your LIES, J. B. Ewing!

J.B. Well then maybe you should take a break…IN THE LAKE! (J.B. pushes Tara PATRICIA off the dock into the lake.)

AMETHYST CARRINGTON: Sayonara, bitch!

J.B. WRAPS HIS STRONG ARMS AROUND AMETHYST

CARRINGTON AND PULLS HIM HER AGAINST

HIS HAIRY CHEST.

J.B.: I have wanted to do this ever since we got our last divorce.

J.B. KISSES AMETHYST CARRINGTON.

* Scene *

"Do we have to kiss all the way all the way?" Trey asked Jayson, dangling his legs in the unseasonably cool lake while reading over Jayson’s script. The float diving dock bobbed lazily with each kick of Trey’s legs.

Jayson pulled at the top half of his mother’s Pucci knockoff bathing suit. Up until an hour ago it’d been a one-piece, but he’d had to cut it into two pieces in order to transform it into the revealing string bikini called for in the script that he wrote earlier that afternoon.

His left water balloon tit had sprung a slow leak.

There was no time to waste on script revisions. They needed to begin shooting the scene now. The sun was going down and his boob was deflating at an alarming pace.

Jayson didn’t feel up to an extended debate with Trey on the mechanics of the scene. It had been a long shoot day, and he was getting tired. And mosquito-bitten. But he also didn’t want to risk pissing Trey off. With only himself and his neighbors—the twins Trey and Tara—playing all the roles, cast morale was of utmost importance.

Trey was always, historically, exceedingly patient with Jayson’s summer vacation projects, but Dallasty!, was by far Jayson’s biggest and most complicated effort to date. A spin-off series that combined the families of the two most highly rated nighttime television dramas ever—Dallas and Dynasty. The networks loved spin-offs. And this was a spin-off squared. He and the twins had already filmed twelve of the thirteen episodes Jayson planned on sending on spec to Lorimar Pictures c/o CBS Entertainment Networks. The scene they were about to film was the opening of the cliffhanger final episode of the season. If they could wrap up filming the entire episode this week, he could mail them all off to Lorimar, sign whatever contracts they came back with, and have Dallasty! on air as a mid-season replacement. If all went as planned, Jayson would begin his first year of high school as a celebrity—thus breaking the inexplicable curse of unpopularity he’d endured throughout middle school.

Let’s discuss this important scene, Jayson began calmly, putting his hand on Trey’s shoulder. The most important job of a director (according to what he’d read in a People Magazine profile of Steven Spielberg) was to keep the talent relaxed and focused on their performance. We’ve established that it’s a very dramatic moment with the cornfield a-blazing out at the ranch, Jayson explained gesturing across the water toward his fictional Ewing-Carrington Dairy Farm. "And all great TV shows mix romance with drama—Rockford Files. As the World Turns. The A-Team."

Trey was silent.

"Maybe I could just hug you instead," Trey asked.

Jayson set his jaw, stiffening his resolve to keep calm.

"This isn’t a kids show we’re making," Jayson said through clenched teeth. He’d already been forced to rewrite the ending of the previous episode when Tara refused to ignite the gasoline that had been poured all over the pedal boat. It had been a long summer’s work. The cast was getting short tempered.

"How about if Willie shoots it from behind so it looks like we’re kissing, but you can’t tell?" Trey asked, grasping at straws.

Willie simply doesn’t have the cinematographical expertise to film such a complicated shot, Jayson explained. This was true. Willie, Jayson’s younger brother by two years, was retarded. And not retarded in the eighth grade name-calling way. He was retarded retarded. Willie had Prader-Willi syndrome. Which meant that he was born with a defect in the hypothalamus part of his brain which resulted in a chronic feeling of being hungry. Starving, actually. Twenty-four hours a day. Willie’s ceaseless grazing, coupled with cognitive retardation and low overall muscle tone, gave Willie an appearance that many people confused with Down syndrome.

Willie’s Prader-Willi diagnosis wasn’t confirmed until a year after his birth. Their mother briefly considered changing William’s name to something slightly less similar to the name of his affliction, but in the end decided that it was charming in an odd way. "MY NAME IS WILLIE PRADER AND I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE HIPPOPOTAMUS IN MY HEAD!!! Willie had a habit of shouting this at complete strangers in the supermarket. Don’t we all?" Jayson’s mom would shrug before taking advantage of the resulting confusion to cut to the front of the checkout line.

"It just seems really gay," Trey finally concluded.

Tara began giggling behind them. "Gay," she muttered under her breath. She was sitting on the opposite side of the floating dock with Willie, biting the toenails on her left foot.

Gay? Jayson repeated.

GAY!!! Willie added, eager to take part in whatever this reptition game was.

I would hope, Jayson began, trying to hold back his anger, that you are not making a derogatory judgment on my sexual preference.

Jayson had decided that he was homosexual while watching a Phil Donahue episode on the topic eight years earlier. He’d come home early from kindergarten that day because he’d gotten a stomach ache from worrying about whether his Hee Haw overalls were too outré for his peers. Jayson had been sent home from school fairly often over the years, including the first day of kindergarten when he’d become inconsolably agitated that the school wouldn’t change their spelling of his name from Jason to Jayson. He felt very strongly that he needed the extra flair to set himself apart from the other, obviously less special Jasons in the class.

The mustachioed men on the stage of the Donahue program fascinated Jayson. He wasn’t sure exactly why he felt such a kinship with them. Maybe it was how they deflected the barbs of angry audience members with jokes. Or maybe it was their outfits—no piece of which could be found in the Sears catalogs that Jayson was forced to shop from. Or maybe it was just that they were celebrities—put on stage in front of an audience—for no reason other than the fact that they existed. In the deepest corners of his soul, Jayson also knew that he deserved an audience. And it would be his lifetime mission to find one.

When the credits began rolling on that defining Donahue episode, the five-year-old Jayson had breathlessly shouted his revelation to his mother, Toni, who was out smoking on the back deck.

Ma! I’m a homosexual!

And precocious! Toni shouted back, smiling at him through the sliding glass door.

I’m a precocious homosexual!!!

Yes, you are, Butter Bean. Yes you are.

The many men who had played the role of Jayson’s stepfather during the last decade generally hadn’t been as accommodating about Jayson’s self-discovery. So Jayson agreed to a pact with Toni to keep this news on a need-to-know basis. She’d patiently explained to Jayson how others’ jealousy of his uniqueness might sometimes, perhaps, manifest itself as anger. And/or punching, spitting, and murder.

As a result of this conspiracy, Jayson could count on his fingers how many people had been informed of what Donahue called his sexual preference. There was his mother, the twins’ parents, Willie, Phil Donahue himself (via an eloquent eight-page thank-you note), his elementary school principal, his middle school principal, a trucker he talked to once on a CB radio, the woman behind the pie counter at Pick N’ Save, and, of course, Trey and Tara. Jayson and the twins knew almost everything about each other, being born within a few months of each other, and having spent their entire lives divided only by a fifteen-foot-wide strip of driveway. At the urging of both sets of parents, the twins and Jayson had been keeping Jayon’s special difference a secret from his classmates. Though now, as Jayson and his peers began suffering the afflictions of puberty, the secret was becoming harder to keep hidden.

Jayson stood up on the dock defiantly, and indignantly puffed forward his leaking water balloon chest.

"For your information, Jayson continued, early Shakespearean plays were cast entirely with men and boys playing all the female roles. And I’m sure that Shakespeare, were he alive today, would completely concur with me that action plus passion equals huge goddamn ratings." He took a calming breath, before continuing. "Which, I think we can all agree, is precisely what we’re after here."

Trey sighed.

"Besides. Who else is going to play Amethyst Carrington? Tara’s busy playing Patricia in this scene. I mean, I’m sorry that I’m not Lola Falana, but you’ll just have to make do."

Trey spit into the water and watched the gob sink.

Alright. Whatever. I’ll do it, Trey finally said, breaking the impasse. He stood up and resignedly climbed back into the pedal boat to make his entrance. Jayson exhaled his relief.

"Who the fuck is Lola Falana?" Tara muttered to no one in particular, moving to her scene starting mark.

Okay then! Willie, we’re ready. Aim the camera over here, Jayson instructed. Willie?

Willie was preoccupied on the far edge of the diving dock inspecting the insides of a 100 Grand candybar wrapper he’d found floating in the water. Always unbearably hungry, he was scouring the inside of the wrapper for stray smears of chocolate. He licked at a piece of brownish algae.

Willie. Buddy. Put that down. We gotta roll, Jayson said again, tapping his husky younger brother on the head.

Willie lumbered his doughy frame into a standing position, tilting the dock at a precipitously unsafe angle.

Jayson pressed the record button on the Radio Shack cassette tape recorder which captured their dialogue.

…And…ACTION! Jayson called, taking his mark next to Tara.

Lorimar Productions was going to love this scene. It was probably the most intricately choreographed shot thus far. Episode One was good, no doubt, but it takes time to really get into the characters’ development. Even Three’s Company didn’t find its ratings legs until after the first season.

Jayson worried that synching up the accompanying cassette tape soundtrack to the 16mm home movie film footage might be a bit tricky for the producers. So to help them, Jayson held up a card to the camera at the beginning of each film reel that instructed them to: "Press Play On Tape Recorder…NOW."

I have had quite enough of your lies, J. B. Ewing! Tara said, opening the scene. She didn’t deliver the line with quite the level of haughty anger Jayson had envisioned. But as lukewarm as Tara’s performances generally were, there was no stopping once a scene was in progress. Jayson had no editing capabilities, so each scene was filmed in one take, sequentially, picking up wherever the last scene left off.

Well then maybe you should take a break…IN THE LAKE! Trey shouted.

After Trey shoved her, Tara executed an impressive windmilling plunge into the lake and convincingly thrashed about in the water, improvising some sputtering heartfelt expletives. As he stood on the dock watching her drown, Trey theatrically wiped his hands clean of her. It was a little over the top, but Jayson was pleased that Trey was exploring the boundaries of his thespianism.

"Sayonara, BITCH!" Jayson shouted in his best Amethyst Carrington falsetto.

All that remained was the kiss.

Suddenly, from the shore behind them, came a barrage of shouting. Adult shouting. The group on the dock turned en masse—even Willie with the camera.

"Sayonara, BITCH!"

It was Jayson’s latest stepfather, Garth, whom Toni’d met earlier in the summer in the audience of a waterskiing show in Waukesha. He was standing in the driveway of their split-level ranch, which was painted lilac with eggplant trim and shutters. He had a suitcase in one hand and the middle finger of the other hand raised defiantly back toward the house.

Congratulations, motherfucker. You finally got SOMETHING up! Toni’s voice shouted back from inside the kitchen window.

All four children stared at the domestic explosion occurring onshore. There was another brief volley of expletives before Garth climbed into his Chevy Citation and roared down the driveway in reverse, severing the sideview mirror from Toni’s chartreuse Ford Maverick.

Jayson had been convinced this marriage would last at least through the summer. It had seemed more promising than the other eleven. Twelve? Jayson couldn’t remember the exact number. His mother, Toni—for all her free-spirited ways—had one deep-seated remnant of her strict Catholic upbringing. She would never fool around with a man until she was married. Since Toni also had a deep-seated devotion to fooling around, she found herself in front of a lot of altars. Generally not Catholic, obviously.

After Garth’s car sped noisily out of sight down Lake Labelle Drive, Toni emerged from the house. Jayson always thought she looked her most beautiful when she was angry. Her heavy black hair would be tousled from being pulled, and her squinting green eyes flickered with brilliant rage against her pale skin. She wasn’t rail thin like most of the women on television—Mrs. Kotter, Laverne and Shirley, Vera the waitress on Alice. But she wasn’t fat either. She had the full curves that most men truly wanted—more than the waifs they were fed on TV. She was, she always said, half Italian, half Russian, half black Irish, and all business.

From their spot in the middle of the lake, Jayson, Willie, and the twins watched her march down the driveway, pick up the amputated mirror from her Maverick, and hurl it into the lake while letting loose with a primal scream. The chartreuse glinting mirror arced overhead and landed in the water with a phloomp only ten feet away from Jayson and his cast.

Only when it landed did Toni notice Jayson, Willie, and the twins watching from their floating island. Her mood changed instantly, as was her style. Fleeting was the only constant trait of Toni’s personality.

You kids ready for hot dogs? Toni called out to them cheerily. I got the kind with the cheese inside. She planted her hands on her hips and cocked her head with incredulity. "The cheese is on the inside! Can you motherfuckinbelieveit?!?"

Willie was still filming. He’d learned the hard way not to stop until Jayson yelled cut. Jayson wasn’t sure how he was going to work Toni’s domestic explosion into the plot of this episode. But he’d find a way. It was good material. Very natural.

His most immediate directorial concern was finding an ending for the unexpectedly prolonged scene.

Jayson turned back toward Trey, rose on his tiptoes, pulled Trey’s head toward his own, and kissed him as the original script had called for.

The water breezes kicked up as the sun set behind the houses on the far shore of the lake and Jayson lost himself in his first ever kiss.

Never confuse yourself with your character, Jayson reprimanded himself silently, repeating acting advice he’d heard Bette Davis offer on Johnny Carson.

Annnnnd, CUT!!! he shouted at Willie, reluctantly separating from Trey. The twilight sky was streaked with purple, and clouds of mosquitos began swarming around them.

Tara coughed and sputtered as she pulled herself out of the water and onto the dock.

Jesus Christ, she hissed at Jayson, if you’d made out with Trey any longer, I would’ve fucking drowned for real.

Trey didn’t say anything. He pretended to be concentrating on gathering his belongings for the pedal boat ride back to shore. Jayson ignored Trey’s discomfort. The only thing that mattered now was finishing the Dallasty! episodes and mailing them off to CBS.

Soon enough Jayson would be on his way to Hollywood. He would escape all of this small town nothingness. The petty domestic dramas. His insufferable unpopularity. The strangers who would stare at his strange clothes and strange brother and strange mother in the A&P.

Don’t touch that dial, he thought to himself. The newest, greatest season of Jayson Blocher will premier right after these messages.

TWO

Jaaaaayson, I’m outta here! Come kiss me goodbye.

Jesus Jm J Bullock Christ, Jayson muttered to himself, putting down his pencil in the rust shag carpet of his bedroom. After one of the hottest and most humid summers on record, the carpet smelled as fetid as the slime that grew between the rocks on the shore of the lake. And it had been vacuumed about as often.

Jayson was only halfway through writing the final scene of Dallasty’s cliffhanger. He was farther behind schedule than he’d anticipated. The week’s shooting had been frantic and stressful, with the twins’ schedule being interrupted repeatedly by back-to-school shopping excursions. Jayson himself had had no such diversions. Toni had pinned a $20 bill to his bedroom door on Tuesday and told him to bicycle into town to buy what he needed. Which Jayson promptly did: four cartons of Starbursts, a box of Whatchamacallit candy bars, and thirty-six pouches of BlueBerry Blast Capri Suns.

If he could get the final scene finished today and shot sometime over the weekend, he would have the entire season of episodes ready to be dropped into the post office box by the corner of Oconomowoc High School on the first morning of classes.

JAYSON! I’M LEAVING!

Jayson slid down the front foyer steps on his ass and walked into the kitchen. In the week since Garth had left, the house had become even dirtier, which, had you asked Jayson last week, he would have sworn was impossible.

Toni was leaning against the burnt orange counter that was, poetically, pockmarked with cigarette burns.

I didn’t even know you were going somewhere, Jayson said.

I told you on Monday that I was going to spend the weekend at an artists’ collective in Chicago, she replied, holding her arms out for a hug.

No you didn’t. Monday you spent the entire day in the sarcophagus.

Toni dropped her arms.

I did?

You did. And I have the police citation to prove it.

Toni had recently declared herself a modern artist working out of her garage studio. She announced her new vocation last spring in a press release sent to the Oconomowoc Enterprise that, much to her indignant disappointment, was never published. She kept a copy of it hanging on the refrigerator. By a nail. Toni had several mementos nailed to the refrigerator, since she was wary of the health effects of magnets.

5/21/81. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Toni Blocher, née VanSchlessor, is proud to announce a showing of her avant-garde sculptures detailing the rise and descent of woman’s struggle with the modern institution of matrimony. Neither an advocate for the patriarchy, nor a traditional feminist, Blocher will exhibit