Weaving The Stories Together

Weaving

the

Stories Together

A School Counsellor’s Guide

to Parenting Young Women

by

Anne Stringer

Copyright © 2024 by Anne Stringer

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the publisher

except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Illustrations by Tara Dean

ISBN: 978-0-9756217-1-4 (epub)

Typesetting by Rack and Rune Publishing

rackandrune.com

Published by Anne Stringer

email:[email protected]

I would like to both thank and dedicate this book and project of love to all the young woman who I have spoken to, cried with, laughed with and hopefully helped along the way. You made me braver, wiser and hopefully a better friend, parent and counsellor. Without your fearless and determined will to be better and persevere through hard times, I would not have had the experience of joy I had every day working alongside you.

A note from the author

This is a book that has been in my head for a long time. In my twenty years of working with young women in a private school setting, I have learned so much, and had ideas floating around that I wanted to explore, to pass on.

Many negative messages are spun within Australian society about young people. The media have played a big role in perpetuating ideas such as millennials and Gen Z being lazy, entitled and wanting handouts. More generally, it is common to hear adults make statements such as ‘parenting adolescents is a nightmare’ or ‘all young people need more life experience to be able to contribute meaningfully to the community’, or ‘all they want to do is play on their phones’.

While these statements might represent some young people some of the time, I wonder are these adults having real conversations with the young people they’re judging? Are they asking young people about what they know, what they are prepared to contribute, what is important to them and how they experience the world at this time?

I have so many stories that challenges these discourses or beliefs about young people, and I wanted to share them in this book, with hope that it might inspire, inform, encourage or help the wider community to see this group of young women differently, and read the honourable and amazing experiences I have witnessed.

As a counselling psychologist with a Masters of Education in Student Wellbeing, I have worked for many years with young people experiencing child abuse and trauma, domestic violence and family issues. Starting this work in the non-government welfare sector when my own children were young, I found it difficult for a time when I was working with kids and adolescents. Resources were limited and the families had high needs, with generational trauma prevalent. I loved the work but felt I needed more energy for raising my own kids and meeting their emotional needs as well.

It seemed a positive change of pace to transition into working with adolescents in a school setting. My idea was to do this for a short time and then go back into child welfare. It felt hopeful and manageable for my life at the time. And here I am, still working in school settings all these years later! The work with young people and the conversations I have had with them have been so enlightening, energising, fulfilling and I feel enormously privileged, grateful for the decision I made all those years ago.

My intention for this book is to present stories, experiences, conversations and tips that represent the work I have done, the knowledge I have gained about young women, and the role we as adults can play in their lives to best support them. I want to present an alternative narrative about young people – one filled with generosity, hope, curiosity, loyalty, resilience and love.

This book is intended for parents of adolescents, because I already speak to teachers, day in and day out. My hope is that by sharing these stories, I can offer a window into how your daughter’s think and what they might need from you, their loving parents.

I acknowledge this book represents the lens of a particular group of young women; those who are cisgender, heterosexual and primarily from an Anglo middle to upper class background. They are all in the private school system and English is their first language.

This book is not a research document from a psychologist making broad reaching comment on all young women and how they experience the world. I am writing about what I have learned and what I have heard from the specific young women I worked with in multiple school settings.

I am not writing about this group of women because I see them as a higher priority than young women from different cultural, social, linguistic, gender or sexual orientation backgrounds. I am writing about these young women because I feel I have heard and understand their stories and how they have experienced the world through my work with them. I wouldn’t feel equipped to tell the stories of the other women mentioned. Having said this, I appreciate how important it is for all young women’s stories to be valued and heard in every forum and to be considered when working in a school setting and making social decisions on behalf of young woman.

I support and value each individual woman’s right to be who she is and understand that the lens in which she sees the world is based on her own life experiences and her own context in which she lives her daily life.

In this book, I use some terms broadly to make it easier to read but when I use the term young woman in this book, I am referring to the young women that I described above.

For that reason, the tips, ideas, responses, and recommendations in this book relate to those young women and may be different for other young woman for a variety of reasons.

I mention the word feminism within the book. This book does not purport to analyse this word or put it into a historical context but rather to make comment on how it was used within the context of the conversations that I was having with this particular group of young women and how they used and interpreted it amongst themselves.

Although at times I have worked in co-ed settings, due to the length of time working solely with young women I feel that this is my particular area of expertise in being able to share their stories and their attitudes and the lens of which they see the world and what they feel would be helpful for parents to know.

You’ll find topics such as mental health, resilience, entitlement, bullying, separation and divorce, friendship, grief, anxiety, relationships, and self-harm, among others – all issues that young women may face during their time at school. I also hope to shed light on how they think about particular issues that impacted them and what support may be of help as other young women similar to them journey through.

For a range of reasons, communication between young women (in particular) and their parents can be challenging. I know how it feels to wonder if what you’re doing is helpful, and how to tread that fine line between wanting to be involved in your child’s life but not wanting to overstep for fear of driving them away. It can feel impossible.

My hope is that I can share what I’ve learned over the years, amplifying the voices of young women, to give you a broader understanding of the complexities of their world. Helping you to better enjoy parenting adolescents, align yourself with them, connect with them and learn from them. I’d love to see that their skills, abilities and livelihood is harnessed and not squashed by societies’ stories about adolescents and the fear and negativity that can breed in all of us.

Anne Stringer

Introducing Adolescence

Adolescents often get a bad rap.

It’s a time when young people separate from their parents and rely more on friends and people outside of their family. For many young people, friends are a great source of support, fun and advice during those adolescent years.

The term adolescence was first developed in the fifteenth century, derived from a Latin word meaning ‘grow up or grow into maturity’. However, it was not until 1904 that the term was actually used and credited by G. Stanley Hall in his research about the developmental phase between childhood and adulthood. During the changes of the twentieth century, adolescence was seen as a time of ‘storm and stress’ (Lerner & Israeloff, 2005). Erik Erikson also focused on adolescence as a time of identity and connection, which emphasised peer relationships and seeking independence.

All this can lead us to view adolescence as a time for parents to separate from their child, and when peers become more influential. However, knowing that it is a time of searching for identity and great change, it is also a time when young people need loving and supportive adults around them to help ensure they get the information they need to make healthy decisions, and understand their values and what drives their lives and choices. Parents can be both powerful and influential at this time, as well as providing opportunities to let them take appropriate risks and form other relationships outside their prime family group.

In psychological terms, adolescence is a time of great change and growth. They are developing independence and their own sense of identity. Often, they’re driven by wanting to be accepted, to ‘fit in’, and to feel connected to peers. At times, they will do anything to make this happen.

In my work and conversations with young women, I would say that even though peers are a driving force and fitting in is important, connection with family does continue to be essential and is a huge influence throughout this time. This is often downplayed or forgotten. But it’s important to remember that they do not want to separate from their parents if they have an open relationship with them. They do seek their opinion, support and advice. What parents say, think and believe matters to young women and influences their direction.

The fear that often surrounds adolescents is reinforced in messages and discourses throughout our society and by the media, and even in the way parents can describe their fifteen-year-olds as difficult, self-centred, demanding, causing worry and conflict within the family.

In truth, having worked with adolescents for the past twenty years and raised two of my own, I would agree, at times, that all of this is true; however, time and energy needs to be spent looking at the alternative story. What do adolescents bring to our lives, each other’s lives and society at large?

There are, of course, circumstances where young women rebel and test their parents’ love by going out with someone they don’t approve of, or challenging the status quo at home in terms of sexuality, rules or politics, and this has been the case for many generations. What this means is that they are often agents for change, new ideas and new thinking and, if supported, home can be a platform in which they launch these ideas and find ways of defending them and arguing their case.

Growing up in my family, it was fine to have an alternative or even controversial opinion, as long as you could back it up. This allowed us to present our case and try to convince others of our points of view. Families where there is room for discussion and disagreement are often the places where young people will grow and thrive and develop their own sense of self within the safe compounds of home.

For over twenty years, I have worked in the counselling and wellbeing area in single sex and co-ed private schools in Victoria Australia, where I had the privilege of talking with young women every day about their lives, fears, sadness, joys, determination, conflicts, hopes and dreams. Most of them would come to me because something in their life