House Hamilton: 10 Rules To Survive Monster Hunting

Rule # 1: When in doubt, myth it out.

1.1: A slight change of plans.

This was not how I imagined starting this guide to hunting monsters. I figured I would be sitting in my study wearing a robe worthy of the late, Mr. Heffner and smoking a bubble pipe. Why bubbles? Because nicotine is gross, that’s why. Anyhow, nothing like hands on learning. When Mrs. Chambers showed up for school looking like she’d spent the weekend purging every ounce of her humanity in a vomit fest, I figured better now than never.

***

My classmates and I herded into the sophomore calculus lesson with the single-minded mentality of pack animals. The squeaking sneakers and body odor made up the average Monday experience. Not to mention the combined halitosis of 24 teenagers returning to class after lunch. If you send your kid, spouse or even self to work or school with leftover fish you are exactly what is wrong with humanity, just FYI.

Demi, my best friend, took her seat two rows away from me. Brushing a lock of her dark hair back, the green tipped ends were barely contained behind her ear. She shot me an ironic smile and placed her palms together looking toward the ceiling. I could practically hear the choir of angels singing. Mrs. Chambers stood up and I waited for the usual ‘proclamation of serenity’, not to be confused with a prayer. I did a double take, though, as I glanced up from my backpack.

On the previous Friday, Harmony Chambers had been an average sized, middle-aged woman with an unfortunate obsession with long, flowery muumuu-like dresses. The woman struggling to lift the ten-pound brick, also known as our textbook, had skin that hung loosely on her spindly arms. Sunken eyes stared out at us, overly bright and unblinking. Her mouth hung in a loose gape as if she were asleep standing up.

After picking my own jaw up off the ground, I tilted my head from side to side cracking the vertebrae in my neck. This lesson just got interesting.

I pulled out a leather notebook. Gold embroidered letters stamped across the front read: ‘House Hamilton.’ Flipping through the pages, I settled on a section titled ‘Doppelganger.’ I retrieved a plain legal pad from my bag and prepared to diagnose the exact variety of monster Mrs. Chambers had become.

Facts: a devout Christian, bless her heart, Chambers never took a single sip of the devil’s nectar in her life. She, also, wasn’t the type to turn up suddenly pregnant or develop a dangerous eating disorder. You might be saying it’s a long leap to assume my teacher had become some kind of supernatural beast. Perhaps she’s on a rapid weight loss diet or got really aggressive liposuction. That’s not how my life works. Stick around, you’ll see.

Just for a sanity check, I looked over at Demi. She pointed to Chambers then curled her three middle fingers toward her palm leaving the thumb and pinky sticking out. She tapped this on her chin. American Sign Language for, Somethings wrong with her. I nodded and signed back, I got this.

Looking around the room, I discovered that the rest of my classmates didn’t seem to find anything strange about the droning lecture. At least two of them were asleep. Popular girl, Kiera Weinhard had a look of abject disgust on her face. I thought that had less to do with the string of drool hanging from the corner of Chamber’s lip than the pattern of her dress. I tended to agree, the flora was indeed distractingly heinous.

As Chambers fumbled through her lesson it seemed like her words hissed out of her mouth faster than the puppeteer could work the jawbone. Honestly, that’s not to say she was the world’s greatest orator before. For my part, I was taking copious notes. Albeit not about the mathematical properties of integration. I’ll be real with you; I don’t see much point in studying calculus as it applies to the real world. I know at least enough to detect a fellow amateur at work.

I found it cute that Chambers thought we wouldn’t notice her over large snack hidden under her desk. A relic of the 1960’s, the desk had about an inch of exposure between the floor and its solid metal plated front. The unmistakable crease of a plumber’s crack could be easily, and I must say rather distractingly, seen from my unfortunate vantage point. I figured, by process of elimination, that the top of those dimpled butt cheeks belonged to William Forester our only ‘absent’ classmate.

I scratched off Draugr from my list. They didn’t eat live meat. Plus, Harmony Chambers wasn’t greedy, just judgy. Will’s bottom appeared pink and healthy throughout the lesson. Putting my pen down I looked pointedly at the ceiling. This monster was starting to annoy me.

Firstly, they chose to pick my fifth period instructor. That meant I had a large peanut butter sandwich only just beginning to digest in my stomach. That was going to make me sluggish. Secondly, I was most definitely going to be late to my next class because I now had to save Forester’s sorry pimple-ridden behind. Then get rid of the evidence in the allotted ten minutes between class times. Lastly, I was kind of insulted. This was Salem High in Salem Massachusetts. Hamilton territory. The greatest, longest lasting family of Smyths that ever lived, and I am Amelia Ann Hamilton.

1.2: Why calculus is pointless.

Okay, so I might have gotten ahead of myself there for a minute in my indignation. Let me back up. The Smyths are a league of people who hunt down all the things that go bump in the night. My family was one of the oldest members. When I say, the poorly fitted beast now releasing our class at the bell should have known not to come here, it was not a boast. The pure stupidity of coming to this city and pretending to be my teacher boggled my mind. I’ve been killing monsters long before my necessity for the, ever handy, sports bra.

As the lesson concluded I marveled at the fact that almost none of my classmates spotted our teacher’s possible descent into anorexia. Demi looked at me quizzically as the class packed up. I tapped my thumb against my chest while the rest of my fingers remained straight. ASL for, Fine.

Demi was deaf but that made her even better at recognizing the unusual. If I had to guess, reading Mrs. Chambers’ lips while her mouth moved in bizarre ways must have been base level impossible. I signed to Demi telling her to leave and I would take care of the thing masquerading as our teacher.

Instead of being the last one of my fellow students out of the door I turned the aptly named dead bolt toward the locked position. I pulled my stretchy jeans a little higher up my hips. With a waistline just a little wider than Marilyn Monroe, my curves tended to wiggle my jeans down past the fashionably appropriate rise. I rescued a hair tie from my pocket and secured my mahogany curls back away from my face.

Chambers’ head was buried under the desk, probably getting a good whiff of her snack. I sat back down at my station and purposefully screeched the legs against the tile. The monster froze. Slowly she lifted her head up. I saw her dislocated jaw snap back from its hyperextended position. I wasn’t scared, just a touch disgusted. I redoubled my composure.

Half of Chambers face drooped expressionless, as if she’d suddenly developed Bell’s Palsy. What can I do for you my dear?

What was this, though? Little red riding hood. And what excellent swallowing ability you have Mrs. Chambers. I suppose I have a question, I began as I clinically poised my pen over my notes. How long ago did you hatch?

Her loose jaw fell open in a look of surprise, but I was pretty sure that was unintentional. I got the suspicion she was more confused than surprised.

I’m not sure what you mean? she replied.

‘Hatch’ was a trigger word for her. I crossed off Kitsune from my list. They didn’t come from pods. Not to mention that as far as I could see there was no characteristic fox shaped shadow. She didn’t appear to have recently become a red head either.

Mrs. Chambers shuffled. Her hungry eyes kept wandering down toward the prize beneath her desk. Did you need help with your notes? Her tone made it clear that she hoped I didn’t.

You know I think I might, thanks. I was enjoying the way my presence made her squirm. I have studied hard today. I noticed quite a few things that lead me to believe I’ve got the right answer now. I can only assume that you must have just hatched because whoever sired you really didn’t set you up for success here.

Chambers began to splutter incoherent things that sounded like denial. I reached down and pulled my garrote from my bag. I smiled at the look of pure snarling hatred that she gave the object now glittering on my desk. Pretty, isn’t it? The silver here was blessed by monks at Meteora over one hundred years ago. I ran my finger along its razor thin edge. Chambers’ body remained tense, so I continued.

I’ve spent this lesson puzzling this out. It wasn’t difficult to nail down your species. Let’s get real, only a few creatures go around thinking they can wear a human meat suit and not bother to tailor it to size. Chambers looked down at her loosely hanging skin. I couldn’t help it; the smirk just took over my lips. This thing was completely clueless. "So, after careful observation the only conclusion I can come up with is that you, my dear, are a ghoul."

I had already gripped the oak handles of the garrote, my fingers hugging the grooves of its runes when Chambers moved. She let out a pitiful…oh no I mean truly horrifying roar. I kicked my desk toward it and the creature stumbled. I can’t truthfully say if the desk was the cause of it tripping. The thing was having difficulty navigating the long flowy dress and heels. I kinda, just a little, felt bad for it.

Before I could make it around the desk, Chambers sprang up. The benefit of a newly hatched ghoul was that it was depressingly naive. On the downside they were incredibly strong. Now that I let slip that I knew what it was, the ghoul moved in its more natural way.

Chambers scuttled on the floor on all fours. Claws tore through the skin of her fingertips letting out an ooze of congealed blood. The ghoul jumped at me, sinking its nasty talons into the arm of my favorite leather jacket. The thick fabric saved me from needing a tetanus shot but ripped mercilessly in long strips. That made my blood boil. Leather sucks to repair. I kicked Chambers in the gut and the beast fell. It was shockingly easy to wrap the garrote around its neck once it was on the ground. I put my knee against its spine and held it there for a moment.

Not even out of breath I paused, blowing a lock of hair out of my eyes. Can I ask you something? If I was going to be late for my next class, the thing could have at least given me a workout.

Did you raise your hand? wheezed the creature formerly known as Mrs. Chambers.

Funny, I really did laugh. I do love a little low brow humor from time to time. What possessed you to come to Salem? Didn’t your sire warn you?

Mother said don’t go east. Is this east? The ghoul’s voice was childlike.

Well, that depends on where you started out. Considering you’re about to lose your head I suspect you went east.

The last thing that escaped the ghoul was a whispered curse. The sound hissed out of its severed vocal cords as its head parted company from its neck.

1.3: Cleaning Sucks.

Forget every convenient monster movie and TV show you’ve ever seen. Baddies don’t go poof and disappear when you’ve killed them. Nope, usually they make a terrible mess that’s most often bloody or stinky. In Chambers’ case it was both.

My teacher must not have been dead very long, considering the freshness of the blood and bile flowing from her neck. She was probably killed recently most likely by the ghoul itself.

As the dead ghoul oozed, I went around her desk and kneeled to get a look at Will. He was in good shape, no bite marks. I removed the gag and cut his hands free from the shoestrings binding his wrists. He scrambled out from under the desk mercifully pulling up his sagging pants. We both looked down at the decapitated form of our calculus teacher.

Will shook violently and wiped tears from his face. "What was that thing?"

I nudged the corpse with the toe of my boot. Ghoul. A baby, I think.

Will made a face halfway between shock and disapproval. You killed a baby?

I looked over at him incredulously, I don’t think there have been any studies regarding ghoul maturity, but yeah. It couldn’t have hatched any more than five days ago.

It was so strong though. Will backed away from the corpse. I mean, I just wanted to get some advice on this week’s homework then it got me. He gestured with one hand while miming, pretending to snatch something from the air.

I clapped the kid on the shoulder companionably. Brown nosing can kill William. Remember that.

Shut up Mia. He sounded embarrassed. Couldn’t blame him. Thanks though.

No worries, I shrugged my shoulders. Shall we get started?

The nice thing about saving someone’s life, especially a person who knows all about the supernatural, was that you got help lifting the body. Will Forester’s mother was a witch so the whole dead teacher thing didn’t rattle him as much as the average mortal. I counted myself lucky that Salem was Wicca heavy. It made for less awkward interactions when saving lives.

Now for the dirty work. From my bag I retrieved the essentials that no girl should ever go without: black trash bags and duct tape. Will and I wrapped and taped up the remnants of the ghoul placing the head in its hands for safe keeping. We wheeled the package out on top of a trolly typically used for the class’s projector. Then we dumped it in the trunk of my car, a 1966 Volvo Amazon. Owing to her age, my ride had a huge trunk for a sedan. Because I’m no novice, the interior was coated in an easy to clean polyvinyl chloride.

Marveling at my pristinely kept classic car Will said, I thought your birthday wasn’t till October. Don’t you need to be 16 to drive?

I’m surprised you could even ask that question. You’re finally getting some use out of that half-witch blood of yours. I reached in and I held up an ornate bag I kept hooked on the rearview mirror. It had small turquoise beads stitched into the leather. A little magic goes a long way. This little baby deflects all awkward questions. Except from you, I guess. Anyway, thanks for helping me drag her out. I already sent a text to Edgar about the mess he says he’ll take care of it. Your mom owes him some of her white chocolate macadamia cookies, though.

Will laughed, his voice still a little hoarse and rattled. I can make that happen. Looking suddenly worried again Will continued, Wont Edgar be pissed?

Janitors are always pissed off. Smyth janitors in charge of wayward teens, more than most. I sat down behind the wheel and turned the key eliciting a hefty growl from the engine. Why don’t you put in an order for those cookies for me too while you’re at it.

You got it Mia. Thanks again. Will waved as I put the car in gear.

I selected a playlist that began with Metallica’s ‘For whom the bell tolls.’ As I drove off, I blasted the music. A few modern comforts could be added to my classic Amazon princess, but air conditioning wasn’t one of them. I cranked the windows down and banged my hands on the steering wheel in rhythm with the song’s drumbeat.

On the drive to the funeral home the open windows kept most of the toxic decaying smell from overwhelming me. I did have a few moments where I wanted to stop and beat the ever-loving crap out of the bag’s contents. I blame Will Smith and the movie Independence Day for the impulse. I suspected dead aliens smelled just about as rancid as dead ghouls.

You might be asking yourself why on earth was I taking a decapitated schoolteacher to a funeral home? The simple answer: in this town, and let’s face it in most, the mortuary was run by Smyths.

One of the perks of having a beast of a car like my Amazon was that people knew when you were coming. My baby had a healthy purr. The engine sounded like a small plane landing. So, I wasn’t surprised when Alan Pollocks met me at the double doors of the Valley Mortuary and Crematorium. A thin man, balding with severe age lines, from scowling no doubt, Pollocks looked at me warily. Clearly, I’m not his favorite customer.

I put my head out of the window so he could see me better. Hey Mr. Pollocks. Got a ripe one for you. I gave him my most charming smile.

Amelia, you know better. Go to the back door. I’m not unloading through the front, Alan growled. He was so agitated that his suit wrinkled.

Pollocks was right. I did know better but it made me smile to see the panic in his eyes. I pulled around to the back door and waited while he wove his way through the inner workings of his business. Alan pushed the door open and a new man I didn’t know wheeled out a sleek metal table.

Got yourself an intern, huh? I nodded to the new guy.

Pollocks, busy examining the trash bag encased body nodded and gestured vaguely toward his companion. This is Nguyen.

Nguyen reached out and offered me his hand. I shook it, noting his warm brown eyes and thin but lightly muscled frame. I’m Mia, nice to meet you.

You can call me Ben, and the pleasure is all mine. Ben let go of my hand and smiled.

Pollocks snapped on some gloves excessively loud, Flirt later. I want this done quickly.

I rolled my eyes and waited while the two men loaded up the body and wheeled it inside. Before Alan shut the door, he looked down the empty driveway.

Relax, Mr. Pollocks. You know me, I’m always careful, I winked at Ben. No one followed me. No one is headed this way. Plus, as a bonus I kept the ghoul in one piece. Or two but still pretty solid.

You people know I hate this. A Smyth by virtue of his occupation, Alan was one of the rare few that hadn’t grown up in the trade. He accepted his role reluctantly.

Ben came around the table and handed Pollocks a pair of scissors. Did you say ghoul?

I paused looking from one man to the other. Surely the intern knew about the supernatural, right? Pollocks glanced up noting the awkward silence. It’s his first creature but he’s already gotten the ‘speech.’ I sighed, relieved that I didn’t need to burst that bubble. We should have made pamphlets. Something easy to hand over and tell people that we’d be back after their head exploded.

Ben peered into the neck cavity of the decapitated woman, Where is the monster?

It’s just as dead as Miss Harmony Chambers here. I picked up a long metal tube I think was used for embalming and held it in my hands like a teacher at a lectern. Ghouls have physical forms but they’re kind of like tape worms. They climb in and puppet the host sort of like the person is possessed.

Ben examined the flesh on Chambers face and furrowed his eyebrows. This body has been dead for days, but she’s been walking around? These ligature marks are fresh though. Did someone decapitate her today?

Alan huffed in exasperation and handed me a tub of Vick’s Vapor rub. I put a healthy portion under my nose. Guilty.

Ben’s flirtatious attention turned wary. Oh, I see. Wont someone notice she’s missing?

Yes and no, I conceded. See, situations like this are where the Smyth infrastructure comes in. Ben still looked confused. "It will go something like this: busybody Karen, who, by the way, notices everything except that her neighbor was body snatched, will call in the missing person’s report. This report is sent to detectives, aka Smyths. For a few weeks the news will be all over this case: an innocent, widowed, spinster schoolteacher doesn’t just up and disappear. News outlets will report any tantalizing ‘facts’ they can dig up about Mrs. Chambers. That one time she went to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed as Magenta will cast her character in a salacious light. Even though the photo is nearly twenty years old." Mr. Pollocks cut through the bag, and Ben helped him remove the jewelry from the body’s fingers and ears while listening closely to my tale.

You don’t suppose she has a belly button ring or anything? Pollocks addressed me. He had settled into the routine detached objectivity that was necessary for his job. I shook my head not liking the image, but he cut open her dress anyway to be sure.

As Pollocks looked over Mrs. Chambers’ body clinically, he waved away Ben’s hands. The younger man took off his gloves then scrubbed himself clean over at the sink. With out looking at me Ben asked, Then what?

Well, maddeningly as it might be to hear, her past will be rung out on a court of public opinion. The conclusion will be that her ‘experimental youth’ and ‘lonely, widowed status’ left her vulnerable to potential unwanted solicitous attention. In short, it was her fault she went and got herself disappeared.

That’s cold, Ben surmised.

It’s a cold, cruel world Mr. Nyugen. Ben shook his head looking over Chambers body with sympathy. Determined I finished the story, After a while only cold case detectives (also Smyths) will care about the file collecting dust and only enough to deflect others from opening inquiries about it. In conclusion, as my English teacher likes to see me write, Harmony Chambers’ ashes will have no further attention than the exclamations of how beautiful this year’s geraniums have bloomed.

1.4: If the founding fathers could see us now.

After my visit with the funeral home director and his cute assistant, I made my way downtown to my dad’s bar. My dad could have joined the police, a profession that attracts a lot of Smyth members, but the Hamilton’s have run this town since damn near day one. Our business had been established in 1785 by a great, great, who knows, relation. It’s a go-to location for other Smyths; a safe place to talk openly about their recent hunting expeditions.

The exterior was just the same as many of the buildings in downtown Salem. Apparently, architects back in the day were very fond of the story of the Three Little Pigs. At least the third one and his house of brick. Russet tones of red filled the streets, plastered on building facades, mailboxes, retaining walls, you name it. The awnings tented over the wide glass windows were black and the sign beside the door read, Hamilton’s Bar.

My status as a minor wasn’t questioned by the bouncer. A burly man named Rudy waved me inside. His name was short for Rudolph, but I suggest you use it only if you want to have your head caved in. I pushed the heavy oak doors open. I knew from the moment I stepped inside that I was in trouble. None of the usual daytime patrons would look me in the eye. All their voices muted into murmured conversation as I slid behind the bar and ran my fingers on the polished granite surface of the counter. The bartender, Wendy, a pretty, older woman with the face and strong muscled physique of a biker tossed me a clean rag.

I take it he’s not here yet. I took the rag and started drying off dishes.

Nope. He ran out of here a good hour ago. Wendy’s voice sounded like she’d gargled shards of glass every morning. "I guess someone didn’t show for her afternoon