blissbody: Adventures in Tantra

Green Tara Press

Los Angeles, CA

www.greentarapress.com

© 2010, 2023 by Catherine Auman

All Rights Reserved. Published 2023.

Auman, Catherine I.

blissbody: adventures in tantra

     1. Fiction   2. Action and Adventure   3. Romance

ISBN: 978-1-945085-40-6     Paperback

ISBN: 978-1-945085-41-3     Electronic Book Text

Cover designed by Catherine Auman and Lilly Penhall

Interior book design by Catherine Auman and Lorie DeWorken

Author Photo by Alexis Rhone Fancher

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

. . . the ecstasy is holy . . .

Patti Smith, Spell, lyric by Allen Ginsburg

The world’s a mess; it’s in my kiss

Exene Cervenka and John Doe, X

There’s nobody here, Leela thought as she scanned the crowd on the bulwark below. Hundreds of writhing dancers strutting and swaying but not a single one who might qualify as her Beloved. She saw a man looking up at her: dark hair, medium height, attractive in a boy-next-door kind of way, maybe ten years younger. Momentarily mesmerized by him and his T-shirt with its om symbol, she shook her head. Definitely not her type.

Everywhere a riot of tattoos, pierced body parts, wild techno dayglo clothes, bell-bottoms that zipped off at the knee. Perfect girls with perfect bodies, showing off their breasts in tiny string tees. How could they have such breasts when they have no body fat? Leela wondered. Perfect boys with six-pack abs, careless, not yet knowing how much effort those bodies would later take to maintain. Most everyone was in their twenties or early thirties, with not a single poseur dressed all in black as there would have been in the West. No sign of any women her age, home tending children or careers.

Not quite knowing how to behave at a morning rave, or any rave for that matter, Leela walked over to a makeshift bar with sweaty cold Kingfishers, quart-sized Indian beers, and although they were at ridiculously inflated prices, bought one to punctuate the fact that she too was still a rebel, in a Kerouac sort of way.

We got in last night around eleven, Leela overheard a girl in front of her say. We never miss a full moon party. Are you guys still going up to the ashram?

Her friend was Japanese with bleached-blonde hair. Both girls were unselfconsciously sexy with exposed midriffs, tiny hot pants, and four-inch moon boots. We’re leaving tonight after we sleep this off. Most of the crew is headed up to the foothills. Me, Dylan, Brandon—we’re going to the ashram. Besides, I’m due for my Andrew fix.

Rebecca, you are the conniving one, her friend said.

I take my pleasure seriously!

Leela felt the beer buzz coming on as she sat down on the bulkhead separating the dance floor from the cliff plunging into the sea. On the sides were neon-colored banners of psychedelic buddhas, Shiva meditating with a serpent on his shoulder, yin yangs symbols, and Stars of David floating above his head. The music streaked through the air from one side of the planet to the other like alien communication. The beat pulsed through her nervous system, now ready for takeoff.

The man she had examined before appeared on her left. Dance? he gestured.

She sized him up. Still too young and not her type. No, thanks, she mouthed.

C’mon, he said. It’ll be fun.

I don’t feel like it. That’s all.

Don’t feel like it? Really? I saw you tapping your foot and nearly jumping out of your skin. He grinned. You were wiggling all over the place you wanted it so much. I just want to make you happy.

No. Thanks anyway. She was suddenly aware that her roots needed a touch-up.

Okay for now, he said above the din, but next time I ask, I expect you to say ‘yes.’ He smiled and disappeared into the commotion.

Leela sat entranced by the intoxicating scene—there hadn’t been such sensual psychedelia since the 60s. Sitting there on the bulkhead, drinking beer in the morning sun of India, Leela realized she was happy.

In Goa, they have full moon raves on the beach," Richard had said back home.

You’re kidding, in India? Leela had been shocked that holy India would host such a profane party atmosphere.

Yeah, a whole rave scene with kids from all over the world, dancing high on Ecstasy all night long. There’s even a distinct kind of music coming out of that scene, Goa Trance.

Leela contemplated this tidbit and wondered if Goa Trance sounded like that music she had heard at James’s party, while Richard started blasting The Greatest Hits of Classic Rock. My god, she thought, this rusty old music, but she had been reading The New Rules so she kept quiet.

In retrospect, the best thing she got out of that relationship, if that’s what you could call it, was that it had something to do with why she had decided to go to India. When he had told her about the scene in Goa, she wanted to go. Go to Goa.

Goa. The Christian part of India, full of picturesque churches and roadside shrines. Leela had read in The Lonely Planet that St. Thomas, who doubted the divine until he could experience it sensually, is rumored to be buried there. Goa, cleaner than the rest of India, and more prosperous too. Then this other part of Goa, the traveler scene, world-renowned for its thumping techno beats, electronic riffs hurtling across the sky, smell of ganja, sweat, and sea air.

The rave scene was very much alive in Goa, a small state on the west coast of India, especially on the nights of the full moon. Travelers from all over the world trekked to these beaches to party until dawn, high on Ecstasy, music, and each other. She had traveled half her life to get here.

Suddenly as she scanned, Leela saw larger than life another woman her own age. She felt a shock of familiarity, of comfort and at-homeness. The other woman looked great: slim, tanned, showing off her cleavage in a push-up bra, high and happy.

She turned at that moment and looked directly at Leela. A moment passed, then she flashed a smile and gave a big thumbs up, lifting her Kingfisher into the air. Yeah! Leela gave her a big one back. She started picking her way through the crowd over to where she was. When she reached her, the woman was dancing and whooping into the scene.

Hey, great party. You live here?

Yeah, the other woman said, yelling over the music, a couple of years now. Her short brown hair was fried from the summer sun’s attack.

Cool. How is it? The music was so loud each word seemed to stand alone.

Having the time of my life, she shouted. I ain’t ever goin’ back. She took a slug of beer and grinned. Name’s Angie, she said, holding out her hand. Her fingers were short and square, and she was wearing no rings.

Leela. What goes on around here? I mean when the party’s over and all.

Are you kidding? In this place the party’s never over! They both laughed. Leela felt Angie looking her over, assessing her True Religion jeans and black T-shirt. Angie motioned behind her. Look, I need to go get some water from my bike. Want to go with me? It’s quiet out there, and we can talk on the way.

Sure, Leela said, relieved for a break from the scene. She followed Angie out through the boogying crowd behind the bar. The hallway opened onto a field with over a hundred motorbikes parked gleaming in the sun.

What did you used to do before you came here? Leela asked as they walked.

Oh, I had the big successful career and all that doodah, but things in my life were about as linear as they could be. Can you believe it? I hadn’t had a boyfriend in over three years. They turned down a center row between the bikes.

Guess that’s not a problem here, Leela said. Tons of hot guys.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Right now he’s back in Israel for the summer to make some money. Says he’ll be back in the fall.

Sounds good, Leela said.

He’s very sweet and attentive. Chased me for a change, know what I mean? That never used to happen in the West.

They had arrived at an orange scooter with tarnished chrome. Angie unlocked the compartment and took out a fresh bottle of water. She leaned back against the bike while she took a sip and then offered it to Leela. What about you?

Oh yeah, the career and all that; same story, Leela said. Except I had boyfriends but, my god, one heartache after another. So much misery. I’m at this point where I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. She glanced at Angie who was studying the ground. It’s like I’m back at square one, like I don’t understand the first thing about love or anything.

Angie looked up and raised the water bottle to her lips. Leela noticed the scratches on her arm, and wondered. That’s a good place to be, actually, Angie said. You can learn something from there.

What do you mean? Can you teach me how to meet the right guy like you did?

Angie scanned the field of bikes, then turned to Leela. Look, it’s not about ‘meeting the right guy,’ she said, hoisting herself up to sit on the scooter seat. Somebody told me once that midlife is when you discover that you’ve spent your whole life climbing up a ladder and you’ve gotten to the top, but it’s the wrong wall.

I’m definitely at the wrong wall, Leela said. And now I’m getting too old to find love, the only thing I’ve ever wanted, really. I’m afraid of losing whatever attractiveness I may have had, not that I was ever a looker anyway.

You’re fine, Angie said. It’s not about looks or age anyway. You’ll learn about that if you stay here. Most Westerners get all screwed up about it, especially Americans. With the constant media barrage, it’s no wonder.

Maybe I’ll stay here and party for a while.

The season’s just about over in Goa, so it’s not about staying here, Angie said. Before long it’ll be really hot, so everyone starts heading out. How long can you be away?

I don’t have to go back at all if I don’t want to, Leela said. What’s there to go back to? Lonely dinners of Lean Cuisine and excruciating first dates? If I really found something, I could go anywhere. With anyone.

Angie looked up at the sun, then back at the field of scooters. She looked at Leela. Do you really want to learn the nature of love? Get to the bottom of it?

Is that possible?

There’s an ashram up in Maharashtra. You’ll learn everything you want to know there.

Ashram? I thought ashrams were these gray places where celibate people sit around silent all the time. For excitement they put a little seaweed in their rice.

Angie laughed and nodded her head. Most ashrams are like that, it’s true, but this one is more like a resort. There’s a swimming pool, sauna, dancing at night, cheap places to get a massage. There’s this woman there, Mevlana, who teaches groups, a yearlong seminar. It’s a scene; there are cool people from all over the world.

Hmm.

Of course if that’s not your thing, you could venture out with the crowd that’s going up to Manali to hang with this guru who’s a big advocate of drugs, says they are ‘on the path.’ You can see how that would appeal to this crowd. Angie laughed. He holds a summer camp in the Himalayas: DJs and parties interspersed with periods of meditation. So that’s another option.

You did the thing at the ashram? Leela asked.

I wouldn’t have my relationship now if I hadn’t learned what I did at the ashram, Angie said. It’s hard to explain. There’s some kind of energy there—it changed my life. Want to start heading back?

Leela followed Angie through the crowd to the railing where she had first spotted her. The dancers below were still at it full force, a carnival of light, rapture, and high times.

You know I love Zach, Angie said, but if by some chance he doesn’t come back— she shrugged and swept her hand over the scene— it’s not going to be the end of the world as it would be back home. That’s just one of the many things I learned at the ashram.

They smiled and gazed out together at all that testosterone.

I’m actually taking a bus up to the ashram tonight, Angie said, so if you want to come, you’re welcome to tag along. It’s a sleeper bus. You go to sleep, bang, you wake up, you’re there. That’s assuming you can sleep on a rattly old Indian bus. You get your own private bunk; it’s really clean and super cheap.

Sounds tempting, Leela said, but the next stop on my itinerary is the ruins at Hampi.

That’s a cool thing to do too, Angie said. There’s a hip scene there, whatever. You can check out the evidence of ancient aliens. But I’m just saying you’ll find way more than you’re looking for at the ashram, and it will be more healing than all the therapy in the world. But of course it’s your call.

She knocked her fists on the railing. Think it over: either you’re at the bus stop tonight at six o’clock, or you’re not. I need to go up there on some business and you’re welcome to come along, that’s all.

Thanks, Leela said. I really appreciate it. I’m going to go down and dance for a while and see what’s up. You really think it’s worth it?

You have to decide if you want to take the risk, Angie said. At the very least, it’ll be an adventure, yes? Now, back to the party—the boys are waiting.

Leela and Angie clinked imaginary beers as a toast. It was so right and yet disorienting because they were the only two. A secret sisterhood, a camaraderie, a clue, Leela thought, about how to stay alive.

Taking her place on the bulkhead once again, she smiled into the crowd. Her toes started to tap, and she dared to dance a little bit by herself. She felt her life force returning, pulsing in her veins. The world has forgotten, she thought, the healing power of ecstasy, sex, body freedom. We have become totally out of touch with the Mystery, the Divine. Here it was like those tie-dyed times all over again only sleek, up to date for the information age with machines pumping the beat. Maybe because of the natural setting, in spite of the drugs, or who knows, maybe because of them, it was one of the most life-affirming scenes Leela had ever encountered.

As she sat there luxuriating in the sun, she saw the om-shirted boy from before dancing by himself, twirling a little pirouette. He must have felt her looking at him, because he abruptly turned in her direction and caught her eye. He started walking toward her, his dark hair glinting, his chest held high and proud. Leela took a deep breath, and knew that all she needed to know right now, in this moment, was that a guy more than ten years younger than herself was going to ask her to dance, and she was going to say yes.

I cannot stand another minute of this boring just-sitting-there , Leela thought, digging her fists into her thighs. I am going mad . Through the mosquito-netted walls of the meditation hall, which was really a gigantic oval tent, she could see fifty or more people sitting in perfect silence. What in the world had Angie been talking about, that you could learn the truth about relationships here? Everyone she had encountered so far seemed aloof, averting their eyes if met, and refusing to indulge in small talk at the dining tables.

Three weeks at the ashram, and Leela was ready to go home—home, where things made sense. Oh, the ashram was beautiful all right, a virtual oasis in the midst of the confusing chaos outside. Covering a full city block, inside its eight-foot walls, banyan and arjuna trees provided shade and cleansed the air, white stone walkways led from one building to the next, and lush vegetation served as ground cover. There were small seating areas for meditation or rendezvous, ponds full of koi and swans. There was the Jade cafeteria, a coffee bar, and an Olympic-sized swimming pool nestled in a grove of trees. Zipping her jacket up tightly to the neck, she turned down the walkway in the direction of the cappuccino bar.

Here, she thought, let’s see what happens with this guy. Approaching from the direction of the tennis courts was a tall and handsome man who obviously spent a lot of time at the gym. Everyone here, it appeared, was a hottie. It was as if all the good-looking people in the world had been given one-way tickets to this Third World paradise, but they were out of reach and you couldn’t touch. I’m going to try to at least get this guy to smile at me, she thought, Please, just a smile. Somebody here has to be friendly. She looked up, hopeful, expectant, as he passed by without a glance.

Remember one thing, Angie had said. Everyone you meet is your teacher. Even people you’d never suspect. And never pay full price. Everything, I mean each and every good and service, is to be haggled down to half the asking price."

That hardly seems fair, Leela said. Everyone’s so poor here.

You’ll ruin it for everyone if you don’t. Then Angie had picked up her bag, ducked into the waiting rickshaw, and sped off. Don’t forget to wear sunscreen, she yelled back, leaving Leela abandoned and alone at six in the morning at the Maharashtra bus stop.

Angie had pointed in the direction of the ashram and told her they’d help with the necessary logistics. Leela had taken the mandatory AIDS test required for ashram entrance, found an available flat on the bulletin board, and then needed to find out where to have a coffee and get something to eat.

There’s only one place to go, really, the man at the gate had said in impeccable English with a German accent. All roads in the universe lead to the Mozart Café.

The first time through the Mozart she couldn’t believe that anyone but criminals and lowlifes would frequent such a dark, drug-infested place. The café was L-shaped, and she could smell marijuana when she passed the denizens at the further end. They looked gnarly and unwashed, wearing faded Indian gauze tops and cargo pants, sitting slumped over tiny cups of espresso and plates with long-ago-eaten food that had cigarette butts put out in them. Leela took one look and exited to eat solitary meal at the China Gate Restaurant recommended by the rickshaw wallah.

Leela climbed the stairs to the Shiva Cybercafe where she had been spending an hour a day of late emailing people back home. Since she had little human contact among the hundreds of people she wanted to meet, this was the best solution she had come up with for nurturance and emotional food. Her friends back home were feeling much more intimate with her now that she was on the other side of the planet, and they chatted online with her every few days.

There always seemed to be a lot of colorful characters at the computers besides the hip Indian teens who ran the place. There were the slender girls baring their flat stomachs while writing emails home in Italian, stylish Aussie skinheads with goatees, and trustafarians on vacation from Vassar pretending to be poor. Everyone was adorned with traveler jewelry: conch shell anklets, bracelets made of guitar strings, and earrings from Tibet. Leela loved to eavesdrop and snoop over everyone’s shoulder, rarely getting caught, looking away furtively when she did.

A redhead about her size and age behind her to her left was talking out loud to himself, not like a crazy person, more like airy and humorous and trying to lighten up his surroundings. She ignored him as she answered thirteen new emails, but he kept up his patter and it was hard to concentrate. She glanced over when he pointed at his screen and called out, Hey, look at this.

She didn’t see much to get excited about. It looked like a bunch of song lyrics arranged in the four corners of the page, which turned out to be exactly what it was. He was making a book with the words to the songs of his life entitled Ian’s Greatest Hits, only he hadn’t written any of them. He was using the cybercafe as his personal office for this mission rather than for communicating with the people back home like everyone else.

You’re an American, he said with a British accent, leaning back in his chair so far she thought he might tip over into her lap. His nose was peeling from sunburn. Are you here for Mevlana’s tantra group?

Tantra? No, I’m supposed to be here for some kind of group with Mevlana, but it isn’t tantra, Leela said.

Ian was chuckling. Tantra! he said. That’s the only thing Mevlana teaches. By the looks of you, I might have well said it’s a group practicing BDSM, or incest with little girls. Ha!

Leela felt her cheeks redden. Well, tantra is in about the same category. You know, ads in the back pages of the personals. I’m not into all that sleazy stuff. I’m pretty vanilla myself. I can’t believe I just said that to a total stranger, she thought.

Yes, that’s the West’s usual bastardization of what it doesn’t understand, Ian said. Tantra is really the name for the spiritual path where everything is considered sacred, everything, including sex. In other traditions, sex is considered a hindrance to spiritual growth, but it’s the opposite in tantra. So Mevlana’s groups are all about that, all things being spiritual, including sex and relationships.

I don’t know, Leela said. That’s quite different from what I was expecting.

It will be so far beyond ‘different from what you were expecting’ as to completely blow your mind. He laughed. Isn’t that why you’re here?

She thought it over. What was she here for if it wasn’t for her circuits to be blown? I don’t know, she said. I’d have to know more about it.

Well, it’ll be cool. And I’ll be in there. We can take it together, he said. He got up to leave. We’ll for sure be seeing each other around the ashram, maybe get together for dinner, and hopefully I’ll see you in the tantra group. He then bent down and kissed her on the lips, sending an electric shock between their mouths that surprised her because she hadn’t taken him seriously up to that point. Leela watched him as he decamped out the door, turned, and gave a little salute.

She focused her attention back to the email she had been writing, reviewed it, and hit Send. It was beautiful outside and life was happening. Maybe she’d give it another try. Things were definitely looking up.

Hey, the American girl! Leela recognized that voice. The girl who’s going to be my tantra partner."

She deposited her tray of empty lunch dishes onto the conveyor belt to the kitchen and turned around to see Ian standing there, not much taller than she, smiling as wide as the moon. He slipped his arm around her bare shoulder and started them walking.

Once again she was surprised by how his skin stimulated hers with its mere touch. She found herself snuggling into the hollow under his arm as if she’d been comforted there many times before. The joining of two puzzle pieces, that’s how