How to Be a Grown Up: The 10 Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know

Introduction

As a therapist who has counseled thousands of people over the last twenty years, I have heard all kinds of stories about the struggles people face in life. While every person is unique, and the details and circumstances of the problems each one faces vary, I have noticed a common theme that often emerges in our conversations. The challenge we grown ups have is to effectively balance the desire for fun and freedom against our responsibilities. Many of the people I see have had entirely too much fun and freedom. They spent money they didn’t have, skipped work or were late once too often, acted rashly and tossed away a valuable relationship, regret how they raised their children, or put a quick thrill above an important obligation. Often, a crisis or emotional dilemma brings these people to the realization that they need to regroup and take on some adult priorities and responsibilities.

The other kind of people I often run into have the overly conscientious, type A, got-to-have-it-all-and-be-perfect kind of personality. These men and women white-knuckle it all the way through life. They exhaust themselves trying to obtain the ideal house, mate, job, and children. They are overscheduled every minute of every day. They rarely have any fun and have no idea how to relax. They don’t have date nights or time off with their friends or joke around at the office. It’s all work, business, responsibility, worries, and getting ahead. They lack any sense of freedom! No matter what monetary success these people achieve, they often wind up unhappy, longing for connection, wishing for the ability to let their hair down, and wondering if this is all there is.

Personally, I have learned firsthand the satisfaction of achieving a balance in my life between my many responsibilities and freedom and fun. I made a conscious decision years ago that I wanted to live what I call a fully loaded grown-up life! By that I mean that when I’m eighty years old, playing shuffleboard somewhere, I want to be able to look back and say my life turned out pretty much the way I wanted it to. I was responsible and helped people and took good care of my family and had a fulfilling career, but I also had a great time enjoying all the benefits and fun times this world has to offer!

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying You can have it all—just not at the same time. I agree. This book is not about getting it all instantly. It is about maximizing your potential and thus maximizing your chances for happiness and success. In the quiz offered in chapter 1 and in the chapters that follow, you will learn how to balance your time and resources for fun and freedom while taking care of your responsibilities, all while managing a full and busy life.

My intent in this book is to challenge you. I am going to encourage you to examine who you truly are and what you want out of life, and I’ll show you that being a true grown up is a very desirable state. Maybe you are aware of areas in your life that could stand some shoring up and you are exploring options to conduct your life a little differently while adapting more peacefully to its difficulties. This book will give you the tools and skills you need to take you to the next level.

You’ve made a very grown-up decision already—to begin the journey not only toward knowing yourself better but creating the life you’ve always wanted!

Chapter 1

The Quiz

I remember, as a kid, wanting so badly to be a grown up. I couldn’t wait till I was an adult, because once I was, I was convinced, I’d be free. I wouldn’t have to go to bed when I was told. I would buy myself any toy I liked on the spot. No one could tell me what to eat, so I could stuff myself with junk food. I would decide which TV shows were appropriate for me to watch. I would do my homework if and when I felt like it, and no one would ever make me clean up my room. Bottom line: I’d do what I liked, and I would be happy.

So, here I am, and so are you. We’ve arrived; we are officially adults. Chronological grown ups who are free to live our lives any way we want to. Right? Well, sort of. Although we are free to make our own choices, we find ourselves still bound by all kinds of rules, boundaries, and expectations. Some we set for ourselves; many are imposed on us by friends, family, bosses, coworkers, mates, society, and the world around us. The big catch is that with freedom comes responsibility. A real grown up knows how to balance the two.

For better or worse, now you’re completely in charge of your own life. You get to decide what to eat, how much to sleep, who to date or marry, where to work, whether to be fat or thin, whether to dress conservatively or seductively, how much money to spend, how to raise your children, and so much more. So how’s everything going—great? Are you enjoying a rewarding, well-paid job and fulfilling relationships with friends, family, and coworkers? Is there romantic love in your life? Are you addiction free? In good health? At peace with your appearance and body? Are your finances solid? Are you pleased about the progress you’ve made so far in achieving your hopes and dreams and excited about what’s coming next in your life?

If everything is going exactly as you’d like, congratulations! You are in a rare and wonderful position and may feel that you already know how to be a grown up. But if you feel like some things are missing, that you are not in complete control of your life, or that you lack some of the skills and tools to live the life you long for, then I am certain this book will change your life.

Being smart and self-aware enough to own up to the fact that there may be some areas where you need to grow up is certainly the first step. The next step involves putting your finger on exactly what is blocking your path and figuring out how to fix it. Over the years I have identified what I consider to be the ten critical areas a person needs to address in order to be a successful, happy, high-functioning adult. Problems in any one of these areas can lead to the numerous pitfalls that prevent you from living the life you dream of. Whatever challenges you are facing (or have so far been unwilling to face)—whether that means being overweight or unable to get along with your mother or being consistently underemployed—can be traced back to one or more of these ten overall areas.

You must become consciously aware of the patterns of behavior and traits—positive and negative—that have either rewarded you or are holding you back. Once you’ve determined your initial trouble spots, you’ll have the power to learn and change. This is where I come in. I have worked with thousands of people just like you, who are facing a roadblock in life or simply want more than they currently have. I strongly believe that as you embark on a journey to expand your knowledge of yourself and improve your life, you must begin with an acknowledgment of any baggage and an awareness of how it impacts you today. I’m going to talk about baggage frequently throughout this book, so let’s define what I mean.

Baggage: Is Yours Small Enough to Fit in the Overhead Bin?

We all travel through life with baggage. Some of us carry a compact bag small enough to fit in the overhead compartment or under the seat. Others carry a full set of Louis Vuitton ... equipped with a large trunk, medium rolling bag, and small pieces with tiny compartments in which to hide even the tiniest of items. Now, I’m guessing you may realize that I am not talking about luggage that you’d borrow from a friend or buy in a store or online. I’m talking about the kind of baggage we carry with us every day—even when we don’t know it’s there. Baggage evolves from painful, harmful, or negative experiences and from interactions that caused a significant emotional reaction within you. These feelings continue to shape who you are, how you think, the choices you make, and the actions you take now. Baggage will impair your ability to function, adapt, and evolve.

There are two main types of baggage: the baggage you see and are well aware of, and the baggage you don’t see and aren’t aware of. The baggage you see but choose not to acknowledge or unload can be dangerous. Your choice to ignore it and not deal with it means that for some reason you are allowing it to interfere with your life, your relationships, and your future. The baggage you don’t see and may not even be aware of is equally dangerous, because it can sneak up on you and ambush you out of nowhere, and if you don’t see something coming, how can you manage it, control it, or change it?

Now, if you are reading this and thinking that you are quite aware of all your baggage and you feel that it is manageable enough to carry on your life journey without any burden, great! You’ve got a head start toward maximizing your potential. But what if you didn’t even realize the load you are carrying until you read about it here? Or what if your baggage keeps getting in your way and you don’t know how to fix it? What if your past keeps impacting your present on a regular basis? If you are experiencing any of these issues, then know that simply becoming aware of your baggage and its impact is the first step toward beginning to let some of it go.

The interesting thing about excess baggage is that it seems to become almost comfortable to carry. It’s as if you become so used to walking around carrying this extra weight that you don’t realize how much more you could see and do in life if you were carrying a lighter load. It’s like hiking with a twenty-pound backpack or carrying an armful of shopping bags through the mall. You know you’ve got the extra burden, but you don’t realize how much lighter you could feel until you put the backpack or bags down.

This hidden baggage is the baggage you hide from the world and sometimes even from yourself. It’s like that twenty-dollar bill you slip into an old purse or pair of pants that you hope to forget about but are surprised to find later! Baggage can trick you into believing things such as: the relationship with the person who is just like your father is okay because you’re used to it and you can handle it. It can cause you to tolerate a job that works you a million hours for low pay and no appreciation, and yet you stay because you are used to working your fingers to the bone and getting nothing in return. It might lead you to stay close to a self-centered friend who talks your ear off, but you’ve always been quiet anyway. Do you ever hear yourself making similar comments? These examples reflect what I call hidden baggage experiences.

Whether it’s excess or hidden baggage, it’s weighing you down, getting in your way, and causing you to bend and twist out of shape trying to be flexible enough to adapt. This phenomenon is best explained by the story of the frog in boiling water.

Do you know what happens to a frog if you put it into a pot of cold water and slowly turn up the heat until the water eventually boils? The frog acclimates and continues to acclimate until eventually it explodes. Excess baggage and hidden baggage create these types of explosions in us. They keep us perpetuating experiences and feelings that we have had before because they are familiar and we have grown used to them; we acclimate.

Baggage is driven by negative emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness. The feelings are based in: How did I end up like this? It’s not my fault, so how can I fix it, or why should I fix it? My life isn’t fair; things like this always happen to me; and I can do what I want because my life has been rough. These underlying feelings can lead to a desire to act out or remain passive due to feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.

I am here to tell you that power comes from knowing where your baggage stems from and asking yourself the following critical questions: Assuming I can choose to behave any way I want, do I like the way I am behaving? Should I or others have to suffer because of my past? Can I manage painful or uncomfortable emotions by committing to behaving differently?

If your baggage is the result of traumatic experiences like physical or sexual abuse, being victimized in a crime, or being injured in a horrible car crash, this book won’t be enough, and you should consider talking with a professional about processing that experience. For the rest of us who are carrying lighter yet still burdensome loads, a good start toward addressing baggage is to have a present-day reality check. When your immediate reaction to an experience is anger, fear, or sadness, STOP. Analyze this feeling. Ask yourself: am I upset (or fearful, or humiliated, or shocked) by what just happened or what someone said because it is significant in my life now, or have these words or actions triggered something from my past that will cause me to feel or react way out of proportion to what actually occurred today?

I often suggest to people I counsel that they turn their inner baggage into outer baggage. To do that, make a list of the critical ways your baggage has impacted you. Write down things like: I was neglected as a child, so I have chosen relationships where I am neglected; or my parents escaped from pain by overindulging in food/alcohol/drugs, and I do the same; or I have always feared failing, so I don’t put my best effort forward with my family, friends or job. Take this list of inner baggage and put it in your purse, backpack, or briefcase. Carry it wherever you go—I mean, you do anyway—only this time carry it on paper to remind you of where it all came from.

Moving Forward

So here’s what I need from you. You agree to take responsibility for making the necessary changes in your thought patterns and behavior and work toward making improvements in the areas that need enhancement—after all, it is your life! Try as you might, you will never be able to control anyone’s actions but your own, so the challenge to you in this book is to commit to focusing on and improving your own life—with my help, of course!

Imagine the benefits that will be yours as a fully loaded grown up: You’ll be able to handle your responsibilities and feel in control of your own life. You’ll be motivated to become an action-oriented person, someone who is able to initiate change instead of just reacting to events. You’ll be well prepared to bounce back from setbacks and disappointments. Best of all, you will enjoy true freedom, not the kind you envisioned as a child, meaning eating ice cream for dinner, but the confidence that you are capable of living your own best life and reaching your unique destiny.

THE QUIZ

Let’s begin by getting clear about what’s really going on inside of you. The questions in the quiz on the following pages cover ten crucial life areas and are designed to give you an opportunity to reflect on your life right now, so you can then decide where you should concentrate your efforts for growth and change. Now I hope you plan to read this book in its entirety, as all these life areas integrate and overlap, but I imagine certain questions or concerns will resonate more strongly than others. If particular questions strike a chord—and more likely than not, you are already aware of some areas where you need a bit of help—then you will have a good sense of which chapters to pay particularly close attention to.

When everything is humming along smoothly in these ten areas, your life should be fantastic. If you can answer all of these questions the way you’d like to without a feeling of self- doubt, then you have achieved my definition of being a fully loaded grown up. But if you are unable to do that (and, no, this doesn’t go on your permanent record!), then we immediately know where the pressing challenges lie. Childhood issues, earning potential, financial responsibility, intimate relationships—by considering these questions you’ll be able to pinpoint what is keeping you from satisfaction and fulfillment.

DIRECTIONS: Answer each question either TRUE or FALSE. Don’t overthink the question; just go with your immediate gut reaction to it. Each answer is assigned a certain point value. At the end of the quiz, add up your score for a total. There are a total of 270 possible points; the higher your score, the closer you are to being a fully loaded grown up!

Recalling and discussing past relationships is upsetting to me.

True: 0       False: 3

I am unaware of the details of my finances—my spouse, parent, or business partner handles that.

True: 0       False: 5

I look appealing enough to attract a mate or feel appealing enough to be desirable to my current mate.

True: 4       False: 0

I tend to buy what I want now and worry about paying the bill later.

True: 0       False: 4

I believe I was meant to do something completely different from what I currently do for a living.

True: 0       False: 3

I make time to nurture the relationships I have.

True: 5       False: 0

I am usually running behind, but it’s no big deal.

True: 0       False: 3

I am over the age of twenty-one and completely financially dependent on another person.

True: 0       False: 5

I believe I will live with an addiction forever because I don’t have the strength or desire to be free of it.

True: 0       False: 5

I equate money or gifts with love.

True: 0       False: 4

I am uncomfortable expressing my feelings.

True: 0       False: 4

I am willing to do my part to improve the relationships in my life.

True: 5       False: 0

I secretly believe that I have not accomplished as much as or more than my peers, friends, and family members.

True: 0       False: 3

I look ahead, plan, visualize, and set goals for my future.

True: 4       False: 0

I am very affected by criticism and setbacks that others easily brush off.

True: 0       False: 3

I bury my personal troubles in work.

True: 1       False: 3

I express my emotions appropriately and rarely resort to screaming, cursing, blaming others, or hiding.

True: 4       False: 0

I am currently or am frequently jobless/laid off/unemployed.

True: 0       False: 5

I can easily list the top ten characteristics and traits that I am looking for or have found in a mate.

True: 3       False: 0

I regularly use mood-altering substances or activities to help me relax.

True: 0       False: 5

My health has suffered due to addictive substances or behaviors (smoking, alcoholism, obesity, anorexia, drugs)

True: 0       False: 4

I feel compelled to live above my means to keep up with my friends in terms of cars, houses, and clothing.

True: 0       False: 4

I know a lot of details about my friends’ and family’s lives, and they know a lot about mine.

True: 3       False: 0

I rarely feel out of control.

True: 3       False: 1

I have lost jobs or strained relationships because of my behavior and actions.

True: 0       False: 5

I would say that I am addicted to my iPhone, the Internet, Facebook, texting, etc.

True: 0       False: 2

I am invested in solving my own problems and not relying on other people for help.

True: 4       False: 2

I feel out of control and anxious when I think about my financial future.

True: 0       False: 3

I am generally satisfied with my appearance.

True: 5       False: 0

I have been forced to borrow money more than once from friends or family members.

True: 0       False: 3

I frequently clash with my boss and coworkers.

True: 0       False: 5

I tend to isolate myself when times get tough.

True: 0       False: 3

When something bothers me about my appearance, I take action to improve it or learn to accept it.

True: 4       False: 0

Financial stability is the most important trait in a partner to me.

True: 2       False: 2

When I shop for clothes, I don’t need others’ opinions; I know exactly what to buy that’s right for my body and lifestyle.

True: 4       False: 2

I pay attention to eating well and practicing healthy habits on a daily basis.

True: 5       False: 0

I personally know at least three couples