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    Oh God This Is My Life Now
    Oh God This Is My Life Now
    Oh God This Is My Life Now
    Ebook107 pages1 hour

    Oh God This Is My Life Now

    By Damon L. Wakes

    ()

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    About this ebook

    *record scratch* *freeze frame* Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got in this situation. Well, back in 2012 I decided on a whim to take part in Flash Fiction Month, an event that runs for the whole of July and invites authors to write a brand new story every single day. It's now 2023 and I'm still at it. Also I'm primarily known for a running joke involving bananas for some reason.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDamon L. Wakes
    Release dateDec 29, 2023
    ISBN9798215556412
    Oh God This Is My Life Now
    Author

    Damon L. Wakes

    Damon L. Wakes was born in 1991 and began to write a few years later. He holds an MA in Creative and Critical Writing from the University of Winchester, and a BA in English Literature from the University of Reading.When he isn’t writing, Damon enjoys weaving chainmail and making jewellery. He produces items made of modern metals such as aluminium, niobium and titanium, but constructed using thousand-year-old techniques.Damon’s other interests are diverse. He has at various times taken up archery, fencing and kayaking, ostensibly as research for books but mostly because it’s something to do.

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      Book preview

      Oh God This Is My Life Now - Damon L. Wakes

      Introduction

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAICAN’TBELIEVETHISISTHETWELFTHOFTHESEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT’SBECOMINGINCREASINGLYDIFFICULTTOINTRODUCETHEMINORIGINALORINTERESTINGWAYSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIMEANBASICALLYTHEMAINTHINGTOKNOWISTHATTHESESTORIESWEREALLWRITTENONEADAYINJULY2023ASPARTOFFLASHFICTIONMONTHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASOMETIMESTHEREWERESPECIFICCHALLENGESSETOUTASPARTOFTHEEVENTBUTMOSTLYIT’SJUSTWHATEVERIFELTLIKEWRITINGONANYGIVENDAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABECAUSEOFTHATTHERE’SNOPARTICULARTHEMETOTHEANTHOLOGYASAWHOLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASOMETIMESTHEY’RELOOSELYCONNECTEDTOSOMETHINGPREVIOUSLYWRITTENBUTTHERE’SREALLYNONEEDTOREADTHEBOOKSOREVENINDIVIDUALSTORIESINORDERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHATABOUTCOVERSEVERYTHINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAKINGTHISINTRODUCTIONALONGSUSTAINEDSCREAMWASCERTAINLYORIGINALBUTINHINDSIGHTI’MNOTSUREITWASWISEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

      1

      A Timely Reminder

      Challenge #1: Write a story in which a character receives a mysterious message, and someone close to them attempts to help solve the mystery. Optionally, the message must be accompanied by a mysterious item.

      There was a whine as the temporal synchronisation disk inside the chronomodem came up to speed. Daryl watched the array of lights on his computer’s beige case as they flickered wildly, slowed, then finally settled into a steady pattern. Perhaps for the last time, he wondered what the future held: soon, he would know before it happened.

      Puncturing the gravity of the situation somewhat, the first message entered his inbox with a cartoony PING!

      Leaning forwards, Daryl perused this marvellous communiqué from a world he did not yet know:

      Kind Sir, it began. In my time I find myself destitute and alone, but in yours I yet have hope. I had been left the sum of 20,000,000,000,000 USD$ by the High Consulate of Nigeria, but was unable to collect it due to income taxes to be paid in advance. If you would kindly send the small sum of $850$UDS by Western Union, I am authorised to transfer 14,000,000,000,000$USD by reverse compound interest from my time as compensation for the monies provided on your part. If this is agreeable kindly reply and we can discuss details of the business. Yours in Christ, Dr. Simon Smithington.

      Puncturing the gravity of the situation somewhat further, it turned out to be obvious spam.

      In hindsight, Daryl felt as though he should have seen this coming. Perhaps someday he would receive a message from the future of earth-shattering significance. Perhaps this expensive new gizmo would change his life. But in the meantime, he could probably expect to hear from a whole lot more Nigerian princes.

      Leaving his inbox open just in case, he flipped open the Guide to see if there was anything good on TV.

      Another PING!

      Daryl glanced back up at the screen, fully expecting some ad for boner pills.

      Instead, there were just three words:

      Watch Your Back!

      Suddenly, without warning, the chronomodem began to print.

      Sweat prickling on his forehead, Daryl watched the bright blue light grind back and forth behind the flip-down plastic cover before finally, decisively, the print head retreated back into the recesses of the machine and the print tray emerged, bearing a slightly scuffed 3.25 inch EHS tape.

      Hand shaking, he picked it up and prepared to slot it into the TV.

      There was a sudden bang, and a flash of blue light.

      Wait! yelled the skinny, bearded man who had just materialised by the sofa.

      Daryl jumped, inadvertently throwing the tape in the air and having to fumble to catch it.

      The man winced.

      What? shouted Daryl. What do you want?

      With a trembling finger, the man pointed. Don’t put that in.

      Why? Daryl squinted at him. What’s on it?

      I don’t know, the man admitted. Your machine wrecks it.

      Suddenly the situation made a whole lot more sense.

      Are you... Daryl began.

      I’m you, explained the man, faintly embarrassed to have to deliver the quintessential time-traveller line. From the future.

      I didn’t know they could send people back.

      They can’t for a while yet. And I had to save up once they could. But I had to, you understand. I had to.

      What happens?

      It hasn’t, yet! Or if it has I didn’t recognise it. But things don’t go well for us, and I wonder... he pointed at the tape once more, reverently. I wonder...

      Daryl thought for a moment. There’s another tape deck in the cupboard. A standalone one.

      Future Daryl nodded. From before we got the new TV? Yes, that could work.

      Daryl went to get it.Plain Centred

      But try another tape first! Future Daryl added, hastily. We mustn’t take any chances...

      ***

      After a quick trial run with Sister Act III, Daryl slotted in the tape. The machine auto-rewound – very briefly, since the tape was already at the beginning – then began to play.

      Frosty static flooded the screen. It persisted for several minutes. Future Daryl gradually inched closer and closer to the dancing haze.

      I think it might be blank, said Daryl.

      No! snapped Future Daryl, looking around with uncomfortably wide eyes. It can’t be! There must be something!

      Daryl waited a few more minutes, the atmosphere in the room growing ever more tense. Still there was nothing but static. Static, and a soft hiss.

      I really think—

      No! I’ve waited too long!!!

      Future Daryl was hunched right over the TV now, his nose practically pressed against the glass. It was only then that Daryl noticed his shirt. It was a shirt he himself owned (albeit older and more faded), bearing the name of a band he had seen at a gig not so long ago: ENEMY.

      Was that what the message had meant? "Watch your back" – literally? Were the words on the computer meant to point him towards this clue on the shirt?

      The timer on the EHS player was gradually ticking away. Soon the tape would reach its end, and there was no telling how this unhinged visitor would react.

      Quietly, Daryl unplugged one of the hefty speakers from his computer monitor. Stealing up behind his future self, he raised it over his head.

      There was a sudden bang, and a flash of blue light.

      Wait! shouted another future Daryl, this one with a bandage wrapped around his head.

      Both the others stared at him, dumbfounded.

      "It was supposed to say ‘Watch You’re Back!’ Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E!"

      The new Future Daryl grabbed the Guide off the desk and pointed to the relevant item.

      Daryl took it.

      "You’re Back! he read aloud. Pilot. A famous explorer returns home ten years after being presumed dead, with hilarious results."

      You get really into it when they start showing reruns but that first episode is impossible to get hold of.

      But… But… First Future Daryl gestured pathetically to the blank tape that had so consumed his life.

      Second Future Daryl gave an apologetic shrug.

      I was hoping you’d record it.

      2

      The Cunning of the Twin Kings

      When the Twin Kings at last fell, they were entombed in their own dungeon. Where once good people were tormented, there their armies lay. The citadel that ruled a nation now merely marked a grave,

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