Dancing Out Of Covid: Journals 2022–2023

ALSO BY JIM GOLD

JOURNALS

A New Leaf: Adventures in the Creative Life (Vols. 1–5)

A New Leaf: Adventures in the Creative Life                     

(Selected Edition)

Dancing Through Covid (Journals 2019–2022)

FICTION

Mad Shoes: The Adventures of Sylvan Woods

Handfuls of Air: Stories and Poems

Crusader Tours

Zany! A Father–Son Odyssey

Carlos the Cloud and Other Stories

CHOREOGRAPHY

A Treasury of International Folk Dances:                             

A Step-by-Step Guide

Copyright © 2023 by Jim Gold

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including by photocopying,

by recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express permission of the author, except where permitted by law.

Published in the United States of America by Full Court Press, 601 Palisade Avenue,

Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632 fullcourtpress.com

Ebook ISBN 978-1-953728-19-7

Print ISBN 978-1-953728-18-0

Library of Congress Control No. 2023916774

Editing and book design by Barry Sheinkopf

FOR BERNICE Always and ever

Table of Contents

CHAPTER ONE Psychological Travel

CHAPTER TWO Performing in the New Neighborhood

CHAPTER THREE The Moderate Life

CHAPTER FOUR Childhood Revisited

CHAPTER FIVE Belief Works

CHAPTER SIX Stranger than Fiction: Love and Helping Others

CHAPTER SEVEN Postscript

CHAPTER EIGHT Performance Life Workbook

CHAPTER ONE

Psychological Travel

Monday, November 28, 2022

Return to Tours

I’m re-entering the tour business on a different level. Anxieties and upsets have drifted away—ghosts fading fast—and through awareness may soon drop out on their own. Responsibilities are ripening into satisfaction.

I’m upgrading my tour web pages. Plus I love the big checks.

Doing it the way I love brings joy and glory.

Sunday, December 4, 2022 I Suffer, But So What?

I suffer, but so what?

Tight muscles tighten the screws

Forcing me to remember Healing myself comes first

When I do, others may follow.

Acting Practice

Performing is an act. Act well.

Who Am I?

If I am always on stage, giving a show, what about the inner me? Who am I? Inner and outer, private and public, I am both.

They are the real me" All is One.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

Losing in politics hurts my ego. Lose, lose, lose, is political agony: just as artistic agony is not creating, just as winning is political ecstasy, and artistic ecstasy is the act of creating.

What to do? Dive right in. Never stop. Never give up.

If this is the rule, why bother dwelling on agony, or even ecstasy? Both extremes lead to downfalls. Rather, say hello to the neighbors, then pass them by. Dive straight in to the performing life.

What is the proper reaction to discouragement?

Drop the collapse. Get mad at myself instead for giving up.

Visiting the Numb-Dumb Monastery

Numb fingers are dumb fingers. They cannot write or play.

What is the purpose of this cervical breakdown? Why did my fingers become numb? Why are they still stiff, paralyzed, and speechless? Evidently, I need to leave the Numb-Dumb Monastery, take some free time to meditate, space to re-examine direction.

My fingers need to write and play guitar.

Writing

Private equals public, and both equal performance. This idea makes my journal writing very important! People should read my journals. Although few may, does it really matter? Sure, I would love it; my ego would be soothed and happy. But as for quality, it really doesn’t matter. Readership numbers have nothing to do with importance.

I’m glad I’m finally thinking this way.

Are Numb Thoughts Dumb Thoughts?

Finger numbness frees me from the fear of performing on the classical guitar. Numbness distracts me; distraction is my numbness.

Would I be free to play without these symptoms?

I don’t know.

But note: Without symptoms to protect and motivate me, would I ever play guitar? Truth is, beyond them lies an even greater terror of the grand emptiness, the vacuum of no purpose. So numbness distracts me from performing fright, which distracts me from the vacuum. Lots of distractions here.

But without all these performing anxieties, who am I? What am I? What would I do without them? I’m hoping that by jumping into the vacuum, I will find reasons like fun, freedom, and even a great and glorious laugh. (Note: The numbness in my fingers has now shifted to my lower back.)

Thursday, December 8, 2022

I’m happy about last night’s numbness revelations. This morning it has mostly dissolved, vanished into the vacuum. I’m ready to swim in the great waters of gaida-glory laugher. The curtain has lifted.

Dwell not on the ecstasy but how to move beyond it into the performing life. Start with my usual morning hour of Hebrew study. Enjoy what little finger numbness is left. Watch it dwindle as it flails along, ever trying to distract me from the vacuum. I wag a warning finger at it: You can’t fool me anymore.

Friday, December 9, 2022

Hallelujah Hands: Another Success Story

Empty, dry, no juice, flow, dreams, or effort. Motivation zero.

Sounds like I’ve given up.

Yes, I have lost the self-beating guitar whip, the chain tying me

to my private gravestone. Nothing is beating me up anymore. I miss my personal tormentors. The flying devils hanging around my classical guitar brain kept me busy night and day, whipping me into a guitar-practice frenzy. I mourn their exit and feel a bit lost without them.

Indeed, without my Supreme Beater, I feel disoriented, spiritless. It’s a big loss, but one I’ve wanted for years. Now that I’ve lost it, I’ve achieved success, a big one: But although glorious in itself, is followed by the now what? stage with its feelings of sadness and loss of direction.

As I step onto the performing life stage, it feels like a bright chapter is beginning. With Audience Beaters and Public Critics diminished, even out of sight, I am free to flow.

I’m not used to such freedom.  Who or what will motivate me? 

They say that love, passion, curiosity, and fascination do the job. But do they? Let’s see if these potential mates work. I know their extremes are an illusion fostered by stupidity. The golden mean is true. Seeing both sides fosters smarts and wisdom. So my classical guitar self-beating attitude has been stupid. By embracing the new Performing Life, I am moving from stupid to smart.

Hallelujah Hands Conclusion

It’s stimulating to seek excellence. Seeking it is my self-motivation platform. But did my self-beating confer any advantages? Well, it brought high standards. I beat myself to reach them. I want to keep high standards but give up self-beating. Or do I? I don’t want these standards to paralyze me and stop my ascent.

How to do that?

The truth is that pushing, self-beating into the abyss, is a victory. Time to accept jubilation.

Saturday, December 10, 2022

Everything feels screwed up and broken. Sure. It’s just a feeling, but it’s there. Anger doesn’t work anymore. It’s not the turnon it used to be. I mourn the loss of its energy. With rage gone, its power diminishing—a dying light. Are there any replacements in sight? What about love and beauty? Can they ever have such striking power? I hope so.

Release of the Humor Dragon

My self-discipline has also disappeared, drifting away along with self-beating. I need that discipline. I’ve had it all my life.

Do I still want it, though? Not in the familiar way. I want to keep the freedom but add a new form of self-discipline to it. That’s the next level I’m looking for.

Enthusiasm and spark are found in miracles. So I must bind myself to my miracle schedule again. But it’s broken, at least for now. Humor uplifts my mind, takes me out of the present, rockets my brain into a sparkling stratosphere. Can I find discipline in the humor realm?

Dare I try humor in folk tour, book promotions, or ads? If I use it in business and it fails, will my business be destroyed? On the other hand, what is more important, business as usual or taking a chance on self-growth? Humor is a risk worth taking.

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Confidence and Humor

I’m building a new foundation based on numb fingers and humor. Through their erosion of my old performing attitude, numb fingers have become the gateway to confidence; their handmaiden is humor.

Part of funny classical guitar playing may be the numbed 

(relaxed) left hand, where many notes are muffled, even left out. If most of the notes were muffled or left out, that might be even funnier.

Even daring to do such a thing is sacrilege. Not to play guitar clearly (and perfectly) is, in itself, at best, a mistake, an error to be scorned, but at worst, and in classical guitar reality, a sacrilege! Johann Sebastian Bach is an icon, a god. By messing up his compositions, I am mistreating a god. Indeed, making such a musical and tonal mess of his Gavotte in D, along with the Musette, is utter sacrilege! . . . But sacrilege can be funny, too.

As a folk singer, would I dare sing Down in the Dungeon, Mule Skinners Blues, or Rock Island Line and be so imperfect? Maybe. Could messy and imperfect be my new voice? Wailin’ Jim and his Messy Guitar. Throw in the gaida, and I’ve got a real mess. Maybe that’s the title of my new comedy show.

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

Loving my Business

Are my mathematical and organizational skills important work? Are they worthwhile, filled with purpose and meaning?

I see my past answering: According to your love-of-artist background, the answer is no. Only art is worthy. Everything else is lower, not as important. Art rises above everything. The artist is the closest thing to god we can find on this earth.

Having been brought up in this atmosphere, I agreed—until today, when the subjects of mathematics and organizational ability came in my tour business. I’m fairly good at math and organizing, even though, in my mind, I toss it off as nothing. But they’re not nothing. They’re something. They’re gifts from the Big Guy. By downplaying them, I downplay myself and Him as well. And of course, dismiss all the fun, satisfaction, and joy of succeeding in business!

Thursday, December 15, 2022

Duty to Perform

Performing can bring anxiety. But make peace with the anxiety, and watch the numbness disappear. It has no choice but to vanish. If I choose to grab the serpent by the neck