Girl on Trial

PROLOGUE

JANUARY 12, 2022

T he only reason I come to this meeting is for my weekly caffeine high, Tiffani with an i admitted. Emily nodded at her friend as she took a sip of her lukewarm, watered-down coffee, a taste she’d gotten used to. A taste she now associated with healing.

I’m not no strung-out addict or nothin’, Tiffani continued and then focused on Emily, remembering that Emily, in fact, wasn’t there just for the coffee. No offense—wasn’t tryin’ to say nothin’ bad about addicts. It’s just they don’t give us caffeine inside, ya know?

No offense taken. Emily smiled as she wrapped both hands around her coffee cup, relaxing her tense shoulders. She’d become used to Tiffani’s candor and had grown to appreciate the woman’s raw honesty. She watched as Tiffani sprinkled some sugar into her undersized paper cup and stirred it with the plastic spoon tied to a container with blue yarn. Tiffani glanced around the room and then untied the yarn, placing the spoon into the pocket of her gray, state-issued sweatpants. Emily bit her lip, debating if she should stop her, but then decided not to. Tiffani was going to do what Tiffani wanted to do—she always did and always would.

I gnaw on the edges of this enough and it gives me a sorta sharp blade. She gave Emily a wink as she patted her pocket, keeping the new weapon safe as she took a seat in the circle with the other women.

One minute, ladies, the guard announced to the group as the chatter quieted down and the women took their seats in the circle. Emily picked up an NA book from the only empty seat in the circle that Nikki left for her as a placeholder. She sat down in its place, shifting uncomfortably in the metal chair. She moved her eyes toward the group secretary, Darlene, as she flipped through a stack of papers on her lap.

Hello, I’m an addict and my name is Darlene. Welcome to the Lincoln Juvenile Correctional Center’s group of Narcotics Anonymous. Can we open this meeting with a moment of silence for the addict who still suffers, followed by the serenity prayer? Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she tried to stop her palms from sweating. She still got anxious even though she’d been attending the meeting every week for the past year. How has it been an entire year? she wondered. So much has happened in only twelve months.

Is there anyone here attending their first NA meeting or this meeting for the first time? Darlene asked. "If so, welcome! You’re the most important person here! If you’ve used today, please listen to what’s being said and talk to someone at the break or after the meeting. It costs nothing to belong to this fellowship; you are a member when you say you are. Can someone please read, Who Is an Addict? and What Is Narcotics Anonymous?"

I will, Chantelle volunteered as she reached across the circle, grabbed the paper from Darlene, and began reading aloud to the group.

Yo, Em, Nikki leaned over and whispered in Emily’s ear. You celebratin’ today? Emily nodded at her timidly. She didn’t like speaking in front of people even if it was a group of women she trusted.

You’ll do great, Nikki whispered as she punched Emily lightly in the arm. Emily peered around the circle to make sure no one was paying attention to Nikki’s whispers. They weren’t supposed to have side conversations during the meeting—the guard would send them out of the room if he caught them.

When Chantelle finished the reading, Darlene thanked her and said, "Now can someone please read Why We Are Here and How It Works?"

Emily watched anxiously as the paper was passed down to Trina. She closed her eyes and listened to Trina’s words, clenching her jaw tightly.

I used last night, Nikki muttered so quietly, Emily wasn’t sure if she was meant to hear her. She glanced over at Nikki, who was staring down into her coffee cup shamefully. Nikki had been the first person to introduce herself to Emily at her initial meeting, making her Emily’s OG friend in the group. Emily furrowed her brow and placed her hand on top of Nikki’s. She wished Nikki had told her about the relapse earlier—then she could have had an actual conversation with her about it. She wondered where Nikki could’ve gotten her hands on anything since she’d heard a rumor the guards had been doing weekly bunk checks.

One day at a time, Nikki had told Emily, so many months before when she’d been a broken shell of herself. One day at a time, Emily whispered, trying not to let the guard hear their buzzing.

Seeing Emily’s tentative face, Nikki mumbled, My roommate snuck some smack up her papusa. Had her boyfriend’s kid bring it in when he visited her. Whack, dude. Whack. She shook her head and rubbed her buzzed hair with her rugged hands. She’s a bad influence on me. I gotta get a new roommate.

Emily frowned, aware that there was nothing she could do to help Nikki. Nikki had to want sobriety for herself, just like Emily had wanted it. She squeezed Nikki’s hand tightly and whispered, Glad you’re here. As much as Nikki’s relapse upset her, it gave her a tiny bit of strength to share her story. Maybe she could help Nikki even a little bit today by sharing her own struggles.

No touching, the guard yelled from across the room, eyeing Nikki and Emily. As if being scolded by a teacher, Emily reddened and instantly pulled her hand away from Nikki’s.

Darlene reached below her chair and lifted a shoebox to her lap. This group recognizes length of clean time by handing out key tags. If you have one coming to you, please come up and get it. The white one is for anyone with zero to twenty-nine days clean and serene. Darlene opened the box to reveal a white key tag and dangled it in the air. Nikki glanced at Emily and then hesitantly stood up to collect her tag. The group clapped and whistled wildly as she crossed the circle and took her tag. She gave a couple of the women fist bumps as the group chanted, What do we do? Keep coming back! Emily put her fist out as Nikki gave it a bump. She hoped this small gesture, this modest group of women cheering for Nikki, would be the reason she’d quit for good this time.

The orange one is for thirty days clean and serene. Emily watched as two women got up, collected their tags, and sat back down. Applause and chanting, What do we do? Keep coming back! vibrated the room.

As Darlene handed out the tags for two months, three months, and so on, Emily gripped her chair, knowing her turn was coming. Her palms, damp with her sweat, began to slip along the chair’s metal sides.

The yellow one is for nine months clean and serene, Darlene announced.

Nikki peered at Emily and nudged her bicep. Your turn is coming up soon, she whispered. Emily smiled at her, trying to give the façade of bravery, but she felt anything but brave. What she really wanted to do was run as fast as she could out of the room and into the parking lot.

The glow-in-the-dark one is for a year clean and serene. You can do this, Emily thought as she unsteadily stood up and walked toward Darlene. All the women in the room clapped loudly and chanted as she took the tag and went back to her seat, her face flushing with pride.

Darlene placed the box back under her chair and collected the sheets of readings from the women who had read. Today, Emily is celebrating her one-year anniversary with us. You ready, Em?

The women’s applause quieted and all eyes turned toward her. Clenching her fists tightly, she felt her beating heart rise to her throat. She scanned the room of women and girls before her. Addicts, inmates, and friends. My people, Emily thought as she said, My name is Emily, and I am an addict. This is my story . . .

1

TRIAL DAY 1: JANUARY 7, 2019

The alarm on Emily’s phone chimed just as Sophie whispered in her ear, Wake up, Emawee. Wake up. She opened her eyes widely, her body covered in sweat, her sheets soaked yet again . Time to wake up. She heard Sophie’s whisper get farther away, humming distantly from somewhere in her dreams. From somewhere in her nightmares.

As she turned off the alarm, she tried to overlook the numerous text messages that’d surfaced from numbers she didn’t recognize.

Die, killer

You’ll pay in hell for what you did.

Murderer

How can people I don’t even know want me dead? With shaky hands, she deleted the texts as a CNN report popped up on her screen, updating her on the Trial of the Year, that was beginning that day:

CNN Breaking News

The Biggest Trial of the Year Begins Today, January 7, 2019. Emily Keller, also known by the media as Keller the Killer, is accused of causing the deaths of a family of four, two of them small children. Only sixteen years old, Emily is one of the youngest females to be accused of a crime so heinous.

Emily buried her face in her pillow, taking a deep breath. She tried to hold back the habitual tears that were creeping out from the corners of her eyes. I have to be strong today; no crying, she told herself as she rubbed her temples slowly. I need to put on my protective armor, or I’ll never make it through today alive. She reached under her mattress, grabbed her orange pill bottle and gave it a shake, the rattling sound of the tablets comforting her. She poured two pills onto her clammy palm and placed them gently on her tongue. Protective armor.

Emily? Her brother, Nate, quietly inched open the bedroom door. You awake? It’s time to start getting ready for court.

Without looking up at him, she nodded as she rolled out of bed, trying not to think about how wrong the prosecution had the facts and how she could be sent to prison because of it. As she attempted to walk toward the door, her ankle monitor snagged on her lavender bedsheet. She yanked the sheet off in frustration and dragged her feet to the bathroom to prepare for the first day of her new life.

Debbie and Nate were already waiting for her in Debbie’s rumbling Toyota Camry when she stepped out of the trailer.

It’s your turn for shotgun. Emily opened the door to the backseat where Nate was already buckled in.

You can take it today, he muttered, avoiding eye contact with her.

I don’t need pity shotgun just because I’m on trial for murder, Nate, Emily replied curtly as she reluctantly sat down in the front seat. As she buckled her seat belt, she already regretted scolding Nate for doing something kind. I’ll apologize to him later, she told herself. Nate had been up with her until three o’clock that morning, listening to her cry and consoling her. I don’t deserve him, she thought, squeezing her eyes shut.

She rolled down her window and took a deep breath of fresh morning air as her mom lit a Virginia Slim, her hands trembling. Morning vodka shot hasn’t kicked in yet? Emily muttered under her breath as she turned on the radio. Or maybe one shot doesn’t cut it anymore, Emily thought.

What hasn’t kicked in? Debbie asked as she ashed her cigarette into an empty coke can, oblivious to Emily’s disrespectful comment.

Coffee hasn’t kicked in yet? Emily corrected herself as she investigated her face in the cracked side mirror of the car. The face staring back at Emily was swollen from weeks of nonstop crying. Although she’d put on some of her mom’s waterproof mascara, she still looked like someone had run her over with a truck. You’re so repulsive, she thought as she tried to comb her drab chestnut hair with her fingers, squinting at her image through the cracked glass. She wanted to disappear. Sink down into the seat of the car and disappear forever.

As she pinched her upper cheekbones to give her face some color, she glanced at Nate through the corner of the broken mirror, hoping he couldn’t tell she was staring at him through the mosaic lens. Since he had headphones in his ears, she assumed he was listening to a news podcast about the trial. The expression on his face looked like it was straining to stay calm, but she could read his emotions no matter how hard he tried to hide them. When you shared a womb with someone, you knew everything they were feeling.

There was actually supposed to be three of them. Her dad had left when he’d found out Debbie was pregnant with triplets. He’d said since he didn’t want one baby, he definitely didn’t want three.

Emily used to sometimes think about how different her life would’ve been if their other brother hadn’t died at birth. Maybe he would’ve punched Tom Swanson for dumping her two years ago since Nate didn’t do a thing about it. Maybe he would’ve taught Emily to throw a football since Nate was anti-athletics. Maybe he could’ve stopped Emily before she lost herself. Maybe he could’ve stopped this whole situation. Maybe no one would have died.

Valerie told us to meet her around back when I spoke to her on the phone last night, Emily directed her mom as they pulled up to the courthouse. Debbie nodded as she navigated her ancient car around to the back of the building, avoiding the crowd hovering at the entrance.

Shit, look at all of the people, Nate announced as he stared at the crowd and cameras surrounding the front of the building. No one seemed to notice their rickety car escape past the swell to the rear parking lot. Maybe they were expecting some sort of official-looking black SUV like you see in crime movies and not our pathetic piece of tin, Emily speculated, thinking about how some seniors at her school owned nicer cars than her mom’s. She peeked down at her gray dress and nervously picked little lint balls off it as her mom parked the car.

You look fine, Em, Debbie insisted as she opened a mini bottle of vodka from her purse and took a swig. That dress looks lovely on you. Debbie had spent her tip money to buy Emily new thrift store clothes for the trial. Emily was now pulling at a seam on the edge of the dress, making it unravel.

As she waited for her mom to finish her shot, she felt around for the phone in her purse to make sure it was turned off. She’d turn it on later that night once her mom and Nate were sleeping so she could read through her texts and the news in privacy. That way, if she cried, no one would see her. Strong people don’t cry, she told herself.

You need a pill? Debbie asked as she fumbled through the large purse on her lap. The Valium Emily had taken that morning was beginning to set in, and she was starting to feel unreasonably calm.

I’m good. Although I’ll need another one soon, she thought. It hurt her too much to live in reality.

Emily’s lawyer, Valerie Anderson, was standing at the back entrance of the building, propping open the heavy metal door with her bright red heel. As Emily stepped out of the car, Valerie waved her hands frantically. Quick, before they catch on that you’re back here! she shrieked as she lifted her long, hot pink nails to her mouth.

We better hurry. Debbie grabbed Nate’s and Emily’s hands, tugging them toward Valerie.

Wait, Emily urged as she struggled to catch up to her petite mom’s gait. Without warning, her black heel wobbled to the side and she stumbled, falling onto the hard concrete. Before she had the chance to assess the damage to her knees, Nate dropped his mom’s hand, grabbed Emily up by the arm, and quickly escorted her to the door. As they approached Valerie, all eyes looked to the blood running down Emily’s knees. Emily was surprised the wounds stung so badly even though the rest of her felt numb.

We’ll have to find some Band-Aids ASAP before we converse. Valerie’s heels echoed in the hallway as she led them to their room. Emily slouched over even more than she had been as she followed Valerie, spying the name Keller stuck to a metal door with a yellow Post-it. As they stepped inside, the heavy door slammed behind them with a loud thud.

2

PAST: SEPTEMBER 4, 2018

Emily awoke in the early morning darkness with her heart filled with vivacity. The goosebumps on her skin felt like bubbles forming in a crisp can of newly opened Diet Coke, her favorite drink. The day brought so many promises. It was a new school year. She could be someone brand new.

She peeked out of the modest window above her bed. The moon was still visible, a thick scar in the black sea above her, illuminating the room in an opaque glow. She glanced over at Nate, who was snoring loudly on the other side of their cramped bedroom. She noticed he had drool dripping down the side of his chin, a puddle of spit forming on his gray bedsheet. How can he sleep so soundly before the first day of school? she wondered.

Quietly, Emily got on her hands and knees and felt for the vision board she’d made the night before after Nate had fallen asleep. She laid the board out on her lavender bedspread, admiring the cut-out faces of Taylor Swift, Kylie Jenner, and Gigi Hadid. One day I’ll be like you, she whispered to the women as she rubbed her hands along the words she’d taped below their faces: courage, believe, friendship, happiness, strength, worthy, disciplined, strong, beautiful. She closed her eyes tightly, her bones aching with longing.

I’m going to be popular.

I’m going to be pretty.

I’m going to be happy.

Manifest.

Manifest.

Manifest.

Placing the vision board back under her bed, she tiptoed to the door and stepped into the hallway. As she marched past her mom’s room toward the bathroom, she peeked her head in and looked at Debbie’s simple space. She resented that her mom had never hung any pictures on the walls or tried to make her room look presentable. At least try, Emily had thought, try to be normal like everyone else’s moms.

No one’s ever in here but me, why would I fancy it all up? Debbie had replied over the summer when Emily asked if she wanted to shop for decorations with her at the Goodwill. Emily hadn’t wanted to say to her mom that plenty of people went in her room: plenty of men. But then again, the men that go in there are probably too drunk to notice her décor, Emily had thought.

Emily surveyed her mom sleeping soundly, her leg kicked out from under the blanket, dangling halfway off the bed. Usually by peeking in like this, Emily could tell how intoxicated her mom got the night before. If Debbie had on all her clothes and didn’t get in her sheets, she’d gotten drunk. If she didn’t come home at all or if there was a strange man in the bed, she’d gotten got exceptionally drunk. If she had on her night shirt and looked like she’d washed her face, she’d probably only had a couple drinks. That morning was the latter.

Locking herself in the bathroom, Emily showered then followed a YouTube tutorial on how to perfectly contour bronzer into her cheekbones. She carefully put on the outfit she’d picked out weeks before: faded jeans, a tight white T-shirt, and Vans. Cool in an I didn’t try too hard sort of way.

Appraising her reflection in the mirror, her big, muddy eyes smudged with makeup, she decided that she’d done the best she could with what God had given her. She wasn’t pretty, but she wasn’t ugly, and didn’t that count for something? She’d read a meme once that if you smiled at yourself every time you looked in the mirror, you’d instinctively give yourself more confidence. She couldn’t quite remember when she’d lost her confidence, but she seemed to have woken up one day and it was gone. It was replaced with pimples, drab hair, insecurity, and lanky limbs. She stared at her gloomy reflection and forced a smile back so hard that her cheeks hurt. I need all the confidence I can get, she thought to herself.

As she stepped into the kitchen, she opened the bare fridge, scanning its scarce contents: expired milk, mustard, baking soda, and a takeaway container. She grabbed the Styrofoam container and peeked inside to see what leftovers her mom had brought home: a cheesesteak sub and fries. After every night shift, Debbie brought home whatever leftovers the cook gave her from dinner service, no doubt because she’d slept with him a few times, so Emily always had breakfast, even if it was greasy, fried leftovers.

Grabbing a frying pan, she added some oil and a handful of french fries from the container, tossing them into the steamy pan. When they started sizzling, she threw in some cheesesteak bits, breaking up the meat with a spatula. Once it was all cooked, she scooped the concoction onto a paper plate and devoured her breakfast in less than a minute. Satisfied, she tossed her plate in the trash can and placed the pan in the sink to wash after school. Sometimes she daydreamed of loading an enormous, stainless-steel dishwasher, pressing the start button with no worries in the world. Relaxing as her dishes were cleaned without her. One day, she thought.

She stuck a mug of water in the microwave for two minutes and then poured it into her handy, reusable Starbucks coffee cup that she’d gotten for Christmas from their next-door neighbor, Miss Jelly. Scooping some instant coffee into the cup, she stirred it quickly before snapping on the lid. Checking the time, she grabbed her backpack, already prepacked for the day, and peeked into the mirror one last time, forcing another smile. Confidence, she thought to herself as she headed out to The Pit.

The Pit, a central meeting area in the middle of their trailer park, consisted of some benches, a swing set, and a grill. Nate and Emily, along with most of the teenagers in the neighborhood, hung out there after school and on weekends. As Emily strolled past their community sign that read, Blue Crab Cottages, she thought about how the name made the place sound charming. In reality, the only crabs she’d heard about in the neighborhood were rumors of who gave who STDs.

As she approached The Pit, the sun began to creep up, making for the perfect photo op. She set her steaming hot coffee cup on the bench facing the sun and placed her backpack next to it before snapping a photo. Using her editing skills, she blurred three trailers out so just the sun, her backpack, and her Starbucks cup were in view, adding the Rise filter to the photo. She added the caption: Morning latte and sunrise. Soaking up the last morning of summer, and posted it on her page. It was amazing what some filters and camera angles could do to make her life look more glamorous.

Checking the time again, she hurriedly grabbed her bag and coffee cup and headed back to make sure Nate was up on time. She didn’t want to miss the bus on the first day of junior year.

As Emily neared her trailer, she noticed Miss Jelly sitting on her front porch rocking chair, wearing a fluffy purple Ravens robe and pink slippers. She was adjusting a long silver clip that tightly held up curlers against her stark white hair. Emily smiled, impressed how Miss Jelly had no shame in letting whoever walked by see her dressed in her night clothes.

Takes your breath away, doesn’t it? Miss Jelly motioned, staring over Emily’s shoulder.

What does? Emily turned around to see what Miss Jelly was pointing at.

Why, the sunrise, hon. Weren’t you over there lookin’ at the sunrise? she asked gesturing toward The Pit.

Oh . . . Emily faltered, realizing she hadn’t had the chance to actually get a good look at the sun. She turned around and peered at the yellow yolk flirting its way up the horizon.

It’s beautiful, she agreed, looking back toward her neighbor.

It’s your first day of school this morning, right, hon? Miss Jelly took a sip of coffee from an oversized mug with the word Mom printed across it. Why does Miss Jelly have a mug that says Mom if she’s never had any kids? Emily wondered.

Yup, first day! Thinking about the possibilities of the day made her heart warm up like Miss Jelly’s hot coffee. She was going to make a new friend if it killed her.

Well, good luck, sweetheart. Why don’t you stop by after school and have some carrot cake that I baked last night? I used purple carrots from my garden this time, so it has a lavender hue to it. You wouldn’t believe it!

Emily smiled at Miss Jelly’s enthusiasm for the trivial things in life like purple carrots.

Sure, I’d love to! she said, happy to appease her.

Miss Jelly was the grandmother she never had. Growing up, Miss Jelly babysat for Nate and her whenever their mom worked, and sometimes when their mom didn’t come home at night, they’d creep over to Miss Jelly’s house and sleep on her couch. She always left blankets and pillows out in case they ever ended up coming over. Her trailer was their sanctuary.

As Emily opened the door to her own trailer and stepped inside, she heard the shower running and then turn off. Nate stepped out of the bathroom a minute later, wearing a towel and a gold face mask.

Thanks for using all the hot water, he teased. As he passed her, Emily handed him the Starbucks coffee cup and he took a sip. "I still don’t