How to Listen and How to Be Heard: Inclusive Conversations at Work

INTRODUCTION

ACCORDING TO GALLUP'S State of the American Workplace report, only 30 percent of employees strongly agree that their opinions count at work.¹ Yes, only 30 percent. So, what does that mean for the other 70 percent? Well, they're likely feeling unheard, unseen, and not understood. Remember the last time someone didn't listen to something you felt was important? When they completely shot down your idea or just ignored it? I'm sure it felt pretty crappy—in all of its Why am I even in this meeting? glory.

But why is this the case? What's causing this feeling among so many employees throughout the workplace?

First let's look at how different today's modern workforce really is. Right now, five generations are out there working together, ranging in age from 16 to over 75. And within these generations, more and more diversity has entered the mix. No matter whether you are looking at gender, race, ethnicity, or religion, the workplace doesn't look like it did 50 years ago (or even 10 or 20).

And then mixed in with those differences in age, culture, and whatever else, we have all sorts of different personalities! Who we are and how we think is made up of all of the experiences we've had in our lives up until this point. Each individual brings their own way of seeing things and expressing them into their careers (and around that conference room table). No two people—even if they share similar backgrounds or demographics—have the same perspective.

OK, so after reviewing all of this, it's pretty clear that we have many differences cropping up in the workplace. And it's pretty safe to say that these contribute to why so many employees are having trouble getting through to their colleagues and bosses. So, what do we do about it?

The first step is to recognize that these differences exist, and that they're here to stay. We need to respect and embrace our varied viewpoints, and then we can start to communicate across (not against) them. We need to accept these differences as a natural part of working with others and we need to start actually listening to each other. Open your ears to what others have to say. Open your mind to different ideas and ways of thinking. Agree that you're likely to always disagree on some things. But make it a point to at least start talking about what these things are.

This book provides hands-on tools to help you start and guide these important conversations. It covers mediums and phrases to use. Strategies to enact. Physical spaces to build and transform. It explains how taking a novel approach—for something big, or something small—can ultimately create the opportunity for new dialogue that gets you moving forward.

We'll talk about how we can break down communication barriers in our modern work environments and how this is just as important in our digital spaces as it is in person (or maybe even more so). We'll cover important questions: How do we connect with our virtual coworkers via technology? How do we navigate change as leaders and as employees? When should we take a conversation out of an email, and into someone's office?

Other chapters talk about how we can make ourselves accessible to build relationships; why it's important to be transparent and always put all of our cards on the table; and how to say no while still fostering a culture of openness and creativity. We'll get into tackling challenges like departmental divides, the silo effect, and toxic coworkers.

And we'll also talk about some crucial—and sometimes hard-to-have—discussions that need to start happening. How do we openly talk about diversity, inclusion, and belonging? How do we get out of our comfort zones and start genuinely trying to understand where people are coming from? How do we make our workplaces more . . . human?

Ultimately, I hope you use the tools in this book to develop stronger teams that are built on trust and authentic communication. This doesn't mean everyone will be best friends or high-fiving across cubicles. But it will mean respect, clarity, and directness—all made possible with more productive communication.

The majority of the advice in this book applies to both managers and non-managers and can be used by employees at all levels of an organization. If you are a manager, use your influence to implement these strategies and make your teams better. If you're not a manager and read about an idea that would make sense in your organization, bring it up to your supervisor. Let's not think in terms of us versus them. We're all in this together.

Remember, though, there are no quick fixes. Working toward change takes time. It takes conscious effort. This book is a good start for getting everyone on the same page, or at least in the same room, but I would be doing you a disservice if I said it answers any and all questions about working in diverse workplaces. People and environments are constantly changing and evolving, and each individual coworker or supervisor is always a person all their own. You should mold and adapt the strategies you find in the pages that follow, including the Human Connections I've included from other content experts, to your own particular situations and relationships.

But also remember this: Every employee within an organization can provide value. Every. Single. One. Everyone is in a position of power to bring change to their role, to their unit, and to the overall success of an organization. What makes you different is what makes you great. So, learn to appreciate these differences in your colleagues, and understand how these things might impact how they think, act, or feel in the workplace. Doing so might be hard or uncomfortable, but invest in getting there. One conversation at a time.

To continue learning, head to www.notokthatsokcoach.com/book for additional resources and videos.

PART I

The Advantages of Our Differences

CHAPTER 1

Putting Our Strengths into Action

THE BEST EMPLOYEES bring something to the table that no one else can. But sometimes these talents and strengths are overlooked, underutilized, or even mistaken for weaknesses. When we don't know each other's strengths, we're not maximizing the effectiveness of the conversations we can have, and we're not making efficient use of our talent resources. Taking the time to uncover each of our strengths helps us understand why people communicate in certain ways and what information they need to make decisions. Doing so also provides us with insight into how we can adjust our own communication styles to be more effective, and it helps us get to the bottom of why we seem to butt heads with certain people, while having better synergy with others.

While at work, have you ever encountered these scenarios?

Have you been a part of a brainstorm session where a few people seem to have all the ideas while others silently listen?

Have you had a supervisor who constantly looks for more data and facts before making a decision on beginning a new project, while you have been ready to start the project since before you even talked to your supervisor?

Have you had a colleague who stops meetings and goes around the room to see if anyone else has anything to say, which adds another 20 minutes to your already long meeting?

Have you had a peer who's always 10 steps ahead of everyone else while thinking through a project, while you're just trying to focus on what needs to be done by the end of the day?

These are just a few examples of diverse strengths being applied in the workplace. We all think and act differently, and although certain actions may be frustrating to you, they are not necessarily bad. This is how others utilize their strengths to benefit their work, and they should not be thought of as right or wrong. In fact, the way you conduct yourself in meetings at work may be just as frustrating to others. If you don't know where someone is coming from, or why they complete tasks the way they do, it can be infuriating.

For instance, the people who are silent in your brainstorm session might be deliberating about what to say and how to say it. They might not talk a lot, but when they do, it is logical, well thought out, and can be something no one else has thought of before.

And that supervisor who always wants data to support their decisions? It might appear to you as if they're holding you back from moving forward, but they're likely working through potential pitfalls and managing risk for the success of the project. They're concerned about doing things right (and thoroughly) the first time.

The annoying colleague who spends extra time going around the room to get feedback is making sure everyone's opinion is heard. Doing so might make the meeting go longer (eye rolls inserted here), but what they really want is to ensure that the group is not missing any details and that all attendees feel valued and are given the chance to share their insight.

And your peer who is already 10 steps ahead? What they're really doing is thinking about the future and what the project will look like as a whole. It's important to them to be inspired by thinking about what could be and how what you're working on right now will positively impact the big picture.

HUMAN CONNECTION

I was working with a team to put together a self- and management assessment. There was an employee from IT, a project manager, and two representatives from human resources (including myself) on our team. I wanted to ensure that people's strengths were coming out and that I was using them correctly. We all had previously taken the CliftonStrengths assessment to identify our top five talents.

During the process, the project manager was always looking for background information. She would ask questions about what had been done in the past that led us to this point to make a change. She wanted to understand the history so she could make better decisions moving forward. She was utilizing her strength of Context.

My colleague in human resources wanted deadlines and deliverables throughout the process to ensure he knew what he was responsible for and to keep others on track, which was his strength of Responsibility. The IT staff member used his Futuristic strength and asked a lot of questions to get a better understanding of the project. He wanted to look past the utilization of the tool to see how we would implement the assessment in our performance conversations. He also wanted to know what reports would need to be generated and how leaders and managers would be using that data. These pertinent questions helped him design the form in a way that would allow us to filter reports to meet our needs.

This project was really interesting because we were all attacking the same problem, but from different perspectives. Once we understood each other's strengths and why we were either asking questions, wanting deadlines, or needing context, it made it easier for us to work together. We achieved a better result because we knew where we were all coming from.

HEATHER Z. KAY, Gallup Certified Strengths Coach

Identifying Strengths

When we inspect the preceding scenarios with this lens, we can see how our employees, coworkers, and supervisors used their strengths to enhance the team. But when we're living through such instances, it feels like the people we work with are going out of their way to make our job harder. In reality, they're applying their strengths to work through things in their own way.

A strength is something that comes naturally to us and gives us the highest confidence in the outcome we produce. We all have strengths. Even if you don't realize it, you are subconsciously acting in certain ways because of them. And although it's great that we all have them, how can we proactively identify them for ourselves and others? How can identifying these strengths give us perspective on how we apply them? Likewise, how can we use them to better understand our colleagues? Here are some suggestions:

Look inward. It can be hard to look internally, identify what makes you unique, and see what you bring to the table. Move beyond the basic, What are my strengths? and ask yourself specific questions:

What do my coworkers rely on me most for?

During which tasks do I lose track of time?

What am I working on right now that I'm excited about?

What is an accomplishment I'm proud of and why?

Ask directly. When you're trying to identify your teammates' or employees' strengths, reframe the questions above and ask them directly:

What do your coworkers rely on you most for?

During which tasks do you lose track of time?

What are you working on right now that you're excited about?

What is an accomplishment you're proud of and why?

Ask others. Another way to gain perspective on your coworkers' strengths is to ask people who work with them on a consistent and ongoing basis. It can be the colleague that sits next to them or an employee in another department who uses them as a resource.

What type of work do they tend to ask to do?

What energizes them?

What tasks make them light up?

When do they seem most engaged?

Observe. Take time to observe others' strengths in action. It's not necessarily about what they're doing, but how they're doing it. Two people can accomplish the same task, but they might go about it in different ways. Whereas one person might gather data to make a decision, another may speak to colleagues and gather previous experiences. Look at how they're successfully accomplishing their tasks. Don't turn this into a National Geographic research assignment, but do it casually to observe your coworkers acting naturally.

Take an assessment, psychometric assessment, or inventory. Several assessments help us identify how and why we work the way we do. Some of the more popular ones are CliftonStrengths (Gallup), Everything DiSC (Wiley), and Character Strengths (The VIA Institute on Character).¹ By bringing these inventories and assessments to your organization, you have made it possible for everyone to have a common language and to more easily understand each other's strengths.

When we're able to identify people using their strengths and begin appreciating them, real change can happen. We'll then start to see employees looking forward to going to work, having more positive interactions with others, and coming up with innovative solutions to complex tasks.

TACTICS TO IDENTIFY STRENGTHS

Look inward.

Ask directly.

Observe.

Take an assessment, psychometric assessment, or inventory.

Cluing into Strengths

Through these conversations, you'll most likely uncover things that you never knew about yourself, colleagues, supervisors, and employees. It's pretty rare that we take the opportunity to step back and reflect on what we enjoy doing and what comes naturally to us in the workplace. This makes it even more important to listen attentively for cues and clues that can help us make the most out of our strengths.

In my work with clients, I use CliftonStrengths to identify individual talents to create more cohesive teams. Within the context of this assessment, the talent themes fall into four domains.⁵

Whether or not you use the CliftonStrengths/Gallup assessment, these four domains provide a good framework of the talents to look for. When you're creating teams, not only is it important to have people who are creative and come up with great ideas but also to have individuals who can sell those ideas to others. In addition, you want people who can spot pitfalls and have strategic back-up plans, along with employees who help others get their voices heard and know who to bring together in the first place.

In your conversations and self-reflection, listen for people who

Put plans into action

Ask targeted and strategic questions

Others want to be around

Can sell snow to a snowman

Bring diverse groups of people together

These strengths can show themselves in a variety of ways:

Maybe Donna is always making lists and checking things off. This could be a sign of her strength to keep track of tasks and follow through. She may be the person you rely on to make sure the team finishes what they started and who knows what they're supposed to be doing in the first place.

Maybe Linda is always taking the time to coach younger staff and teach them the ropes. This could be a sign of her strength in development. She would be a great asset when you're bringing in new hires and may be able to lead employee orientation.

Maybe Yale is always organizing group happy hours and showing his strength for bringing people together. His energetic spirit is just what the group needs when you're having a tough quarter.

Maybe Natalie is always stopping at people's desks to strike up a conversation. Her strength of communicating with others is an asset and can be leveraged during prospective client meetings and networking events.

These subtle (and not so subtle) actions are important to look out for, especially if you notice a pattern. Take note of them and use this information to inform future conversations, team development, and task assignments.

Individual Strengths Equal Stronger Teams

Now that you have a better grasp on your teammates' strengths, it's time to engage in authentic communication. Through these conversations, you can gain a better perspective on the way they work, while sharing your appreciation of what they bring to the team. This also gives you the chance to be more strategic about what projects you assign or ask for in hopes of producing more efficient and creative outcomes. To get the most out of your coworkers', your employees', and your own personal strengths, try these strategies:

Provide strengths-based feedback. Share exactly how you saw your employee's strengths in action. How did they enhance the team, project, assignment, or organization as a whole? What unique contribution did they make? Xavier, I was impressed with how you were able to get our team to openly share their ideas at the last meeting. Your individualized approach helped us gather some great concepts for the project.

As a peer, take a moment to compliment your coworker. Myla, I was really impressed with the presentation you gave to the investors yesterday. You were really confident, answered their questions with ease, and I learned a lot about our new initiatives. Thank you for volunteering to do it.

Align tasks with strengths. Move past a one-size-fits-all management style and tailor projects to the strengths of individual employees. Make an effort to be more proactive in what responsibilities you assign by asking what your employees enjoy working on and what they want to learn. Employees who do work they enjoy and are good at are more engaged and more likely to see a future with their company.

As an employee, reflect on the projects you're currently working on and ask your supervisor for other work that aligns with your strengths. I really enjoy speaking on behalf of our group to the investors. Are there any upcoming opportunities to do that?

Find unique professional development opportunities. Whether it is by providing occasions for employees to take a course, attend a