The Hummingbird Kill

CHAPTER 1

BIRDS, BEES AND TROUBLE…

So how did I end up in the trunk of a car? It’s a long story, but I can tell you that it’s fucking uncomfortable being scrunched up like a pretzel. I guess being six-four doesn’t help, but I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Not surprisingly, the trouble started with a dame and some dough, a lot like Eve and the Apple. Mama did warn me about the four Ds – Dames, Dough, Drink and the Devil, but for as far back as I can remember, I was obsessed with the first two, tormented by the third and flirted with by the fourth. Mama was right, well, at least about a certain kind of dame, and certainly about the bloke running things south of the Hades.

She was hot. Way too hot to be bothering with a wiseass, rough-and-tumble guy like me, but there’s no accounting for taste. I’ve seen some drop-dead babes hanging on the arms of dudes who’d scare their own mothers.

Now, I wasn’t that bad but I wasn’t going to make the cover of GQ or be mistaken for Ryan Gosling or one of the other plastic assholes prancing across our screens. I had a crooked nose, high cheekbones, a jaw that would’ve have made Abe Lincoln jealous and lips that were a bit too thin. But my eyes were my redeeming feature – they were large, corn-blue and dreamy.

That was my take on it; my buddies had a totally different perspective. They were of the opinion that I needed some serious reconstructive surgery to remedy the perpetual ‘I-just-woke-up’ look. Hmmm, but then the bums drink too much, and most of them think that Michelangelo is a kick-ass, pizza-loving turtle.

Let’s get back to the dame – she was about five-ten, blonde, had a face that was straight out of a ‘50s Hollywood movie and a rack that Lindsey Wagner would be proud of. Who is Lindsey Wagner you ask? She was my childhood obsession – the Bionic Woman! I was ten and would religiously watch the reruns, wondering why she didn’t live next door to us instead of the dorky Peggy Burns. Peggy Elizabeth Burns! Now there’s a fucking contradiction if there ever was one, but I’ll get to her later. The dame who made me drool and wish I was Gosling or one of the other pretty boys waltzed into my life and, sister, nothing has been the same since.

It was a slow Monday. I was on my lunchbreak at the park across the street from where I worked. I was minding my own business wrestling with a sandwich that Rico, my buddy’s pit bull, would have had a hard time getting down and trust me, that mutt has the digestive tract of a Great White. I was about to toss what was supposed to be a ham-and-cheese when she walked by me. Her strut was something to behold; hips swaying, tits jiggling, body undulating to some primordial rhythm and that face! Mama Mia, I thought I had died and gone to heaven!

I must have flat-lined for a minute or two because I don’t recall a thing – nothing! No synapses, neurotransmitters or whatever it is that allows me to function as a semi-rational human being. If she had stopped to talk to me, I would have choked on my tongue, but thankfully she walked right on by.

I watched that tight little butt wiggle past me for about ten yards or so before she sat down on an adjacent bench, crossed her long legs and casually fished out a cigarette. Some women just have a way of smoking that makes you imagine things. I swear, it looked like she was giving the damn thing a blowjob and when she pursed her lips to exhale, my cock twitched like a jimmy jamboony on a trampoline! Now, don’t go looking up ‘jimmy jamboony’ – I made that shit up.

She sat there for a while, lost in her own world until she finished her smoke, then stood up and nonchalantly flicked the butt away. She walked back past me without a glance, but whispered in a low, husky voice, Left you a note.

A note? I thought I had gotten past that in junior high. I could hear my mama’s voice imploring, Ignore her! Don’t take the bait, kid, she’s trouble! but I couldn’t resist. If curiosity killed the cat I’d have been dead a long time ago, so I must be the one with nine lives.

I waited for a bit, and after she disappeared, I walked by the bench and picked up the neatly folded piece of paper. It had nothing but a handwritten phone number scribbled across it. Okay, so she must be married or have a jealous boyfriend, something I could relate to. I wouldn’t let that broad out of my sight if she were mine. I’d put a dog collar on her and make sure that she was within arm’s reach twenty-four-seven. But this smelled like trouble and that was one thing I didn’t need.

If it weren’t for Covid-19 and the ensuing bullshit, I would most probably have chucked the note, but my bank account was edging precariously close to double zeros and my dead-end job was killing me. The hours were long, the pay bordering on slave labor, and working as a foreman in a small machine shop was as boring as it could get. The message from my landlord bitching about the overdue rent was the last straw. So that evening when I got back to my cramped and messy one-room apartment, I popped open a beer and called her.

Two rings and she answered in the same husky voice, Hello?

I tripped and almost spilled my beer. She had the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard and phone-sex with this gal would have lasted all of ten seconds at best.

You left me your number, I squawked, trying to compose myself and sound like Barry White. If you don’t know who Barry White is, you’re living under a fucking rock. Go Google him.

Ah, yes. The sexy man who sits on the park bench every afternoon, was the breathless acknowledgement.

Did I tell you she had a sexy voice? Well, damn, it just got sexier.

You must be thinking of someone else, I tried the Barry White thing again, but sounded more like a duck being strangled.

Oh, it’s you alright… you have that Gregory Peck thing going on; very attractive.

Wow! We have something in common - Hollywood and the ‘50s except I don’t suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect, you know, that garbage about cognitive bias where a lack of self-awareness has you overestimating your capabilities or some shit like that. I’m a realist and this Gregory Peck reference wasn’t going to cut it. I mean, Gregory Peck was fuckin’ handsome, so damn handsome that I may have considered a sex change if I had been born early enough.

Let’s not play games. What do you want? No more Barry White. I gave it to her straight in my normal voice that sounded a bit like Daffy Duck with a sock shoved down his throat.

She was quiet and I was sure my irresistible charm must have worn thin. Just as I was about to hang up, she spoke, Okay, so you’re not Gregory Peck but there is something very attractive about you. I’m sure you have no trouble with the ladies.

Listen, baby, you didn’t leave me your number so we could chat about my batting average and I don’t play baseball. I repeat: what is it that you want? And please, no more sexy-man references. I flatter way too easy and that worries the heck out of me.

Batting average; I like that. She paused letting it hang for a moment before continuing, I can explain everything. Can we meet?

Sure, as long as it’s after five. I’m not missing work. If I don’t put in the hours this week, my rent won’t get paid and my landlord is a heartless bastard. But if you want me to move in with you, I’ll quit my job and be there in a freakin’ New York minute.

She laughed a throaty infectious laugh and ignored my offer, That’s funny. Can we meet tomorrow?

Sure. When and where would you like to have our little tête-à-tête? I asked, unable to hide the surprise in my voice. Hey, maybe I was sexy and not just delusional.

How about 7 PM at the Ristorante De La Milano?

Ristorante De La Milano? The lady was certifiably nuts.

How about Dunkin Donuts? I scoffed. I would have to sell a kidney, or maybe both, to afford De La Milano.

Dunkin Donuts is fine but I’m buying so you might want to reconsider? Now that’s what I’d call being persuasive. I never had a gal pay for my dinner before and though it was flattering, I’m old school and it didn’t sit well. However, Mama didn’t raise no dummies.

I swallowed and swallowed again. This time it was my pride, and it tasted like puke, In that case, De La Milano it is, and I’ll be there at seven.

Ciao, was the breathless response before the phone went dead.

The Ristorante De La Milano is a ritzy place, freakin’ high class. Even the valet parking kids looked like they had popped out of a Burberry ad.

I tossed my keys to a baby-faced punk that bore an uncanny resemblance to Richie Cunningham from Happy Days, and walked up the steps to the front. You might have guessed by now that I like old TV shows and older movies. They just don’t make them like they used to. Take the Fonz for example – now that’s a character you could relate to. A real bad-ass but with a kind heart and… I’d better stop before I bore the heck out of you. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was at the Ristorante De La Milano.

The hostess, a tight-assed, snotty broad in a low-cut red dress, gave me the ‘what are you doing here’ look and asked, Do you have a reservation?

It must have been my suit, a wrinkled two-tone ensemble that hadn’t seen a drycleaner in like forever, but it was comfortable and the only one I owned. I didn’t mind the attitude – God knows, everyone has one these days but it was her fake British accent that really bugged me.

You need to get it out, sis, I advised.

What? she asked with her nose up in the air, except it sounded like Whott?

Whatever is stuck up your ass!

She looked like I had smacked her and turned redder than a painted pomegranate; I mean the gal was pissed out of her mind. She looked to her side and said the magic word: Alfredo!

And what do you know? A trained gorilla turns up, except he’s dressed in an ill-fitting tux, but I’m impressed – the monkey was wearing a fucking tux! He had a shock of prickly black hair cropped short, no forehead, a nose that had been flattened across his mug, a pair of tiny, deep-set eyes, cauliflower ears that stuck out, no lips and a receding chin. Damn, I’d hate to meet his mom - this guy was ugly, so ugly he made me look like, yeah, Gregory Peck. But Bongo had been a wrestler in a past life and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what he did for a living, and I can assure you that it wasn’t playing chess.

Is there a problem? he asked with a slight lisp. I was surprised; the big ape could actually enunciate. He was speaking my language though so I was thrilled. We could communicate, one ape to another.

Fuck off! I snarled. Okay, so I’m not very good with words, and in gorilla language, it’s a way of saying My dick is bigger than yours, so bugger off.

He obviously understood and disagreed, and for a moment I thought that he was going to whip out his wiener and that had me worried. I wasn’t blessed with one of those gargantuan kielbasa sausages, and being embarrassed in front of that broad would have killed me. He grunted and stepped forward and came within a millisecond of meeting Salvador – that’s my left fist, I’m a southpaw, when that voice, sexy as all heck, intervened.

He’s with me.

The primate turned, looked and made a noise, pure gibberish, which when translated meant: Baby, you’re one sizzling-hot mama and I’m your slave forever!

He smiled a toothless grin, gave an obsequious bow and stepped away muttering deferential apologies. Now I was really impressed – this was one fucking trained monkey.

Come on, our table’s in the corner, murmured the goddess with power over man and monkeys, and led the way.

Fredo scratched his head and jumped up and down, and the pompous bitch in the red dress looked like she had swallowed a gallon of broken glass. I just smiled and followed the perfect bubble butt to our table.

I waited until she sat down before taking a seat across from her. I noticed that she was halfway through a bottle of Latour Chardonnay and had a book lying open and face down next to her plate. It was Existentialism and Human Emotions by Jean-Paul Sartre. I don’t think I could spell existentialism without spellcheck so this broad was definitely out of my league unless, of course, she was faking it.

In college, I once carried around the hardcover version of War and Peace for a week, all one thousand four hundred pages of it, trying to impress a Russian gal I wanted to bang. It didn’t work but I got her to notice me – she spat in my direction, gave me the finger and said something obscene before her boyfriend proceeded to kick the shit out of me. And that explains my crooked nose. I did learn one thing though - you don’t mess with little Russian guys or their girlfriends. That fuckin’ midget could fight! Ah, the good old days – but back to my ‘50s Hollywood blonde.

So you made it. A man of his word, she said, looking into my eyes.

She had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen, so blue that I realized mine were closer to something else. She was perfect – flawless skin, pearly white teeth, small celestial nose, a full, pouting mouth and blonde hair, not the fake, dyed yellow but the real stuff. It made me feel like Alfredo and I might belong to a different species, and brother, that ain’t a good feeling.

The thought that Fredo and I might have a common ancestor was depressing. That was low. I was contemplating committing hara-kiri, staring at the zillion knives, forks and spoons arranged neatly by the plate in front of me, when the waiter turned up.

And what can I get you, sir? And there it was again, that fucking accent! Whatever happened to good old American?

He was older, maybe in his forties with a lipless thin face sporting horn-rimmed glasses, slicked back brown hair peppered with gray, a beak of a nose and a pointed chin. He was stiff and formal, and one look from him told me what we both knew: that I didn’t belong there. But the highhanded bullshit never sat well with me.

You can start by toning down your fucking attitude. Then get rid of all this hardware; it’s confusing the heck out of me. I’m going to be getting a steak so leave a fork and a knife, that’s all I need. Then loosen up your collar and get me a beer. And, Bubba, make sure it’s American and not some imported tastes-like-piss shit!

He stood frozen. From the pained expression on his face, you’d think I’d kicked him in the nuts, but she nodded and he did what he was told, walking away like his shoes were made of cement. A stiff-assed motherfucker if there ever was one!

You’re charming, she murmured.

Yeah, it’s the secret to my success, I replied, still mesmerized by her. "You have the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.

Azure, and is that a line?

Did you say ‘Are you sure?’

She smiled a tolerant smile you’d reserve for a child. Azure. It’s a color.

Never heard of it and even I can come up with a better line than that, sister, I replied, looking around the room.

The place was filled with filthy rich, pseudo-liberal assholes who looked at me like I was a flea-ridden mongrel dog, you know that ‘Ooh, get him out of here’ look. If this was what money got you, then mama was right; I wanted no part of it. I grew up poorer than dirt but everyone I knew was real, not play acting at being someone else. We didn’t smell good, talk right or dress in silk but when the shit went down, we were there – you could count on us.

You don’t like us, do you? she asked, smiling and making my heart skip a beat.

Us? I like you, check that, I don’t know you but I’d like to…, I hesitated. It was her face, it altered my thinking. I was going to say ‘I’d like to fuck you’ but that would’ve been too uncouth even for a bum like me. I’d like to get to know you better.

Mmm, she murmured. It conveyed all that needed to be said: you don’t have a chance in hell, buster!

You said ‘us,’ but you’re not like them, are you? I asked.

Them? She seemed genuinely surprised.

Yeah, them. These rich, pompous, self-obsessed, reptilian motherfuckers! They’re a bunch of fucking chameleons that would sell their mothers if it gave them an edge and got them another dollar!

She laughed, a throaty laugh. You are funny, Cal, very astute, but that’s a broad brush you paint with.

Now, that shocked the heck out of me. No, not the astute, broad-brush part but how the fuck did she know my name? I played it cool like I was James Dean and everyone should know who Caleb Montague was. It was part of that delusional syndrome I suffer from called CDGS– Caleb-Don’t-Give-a-Shit. I’m a bit like the Honey Badger, but bigger and nastier.

I’m not being funny, I’m dead serious. The people who risk their lives so these assholes can enjoy their hundred-dollar bottles of wine, eat snails and act like their shit don’t stink are guys like me – piss poor white, black and brown kids. We put our lives on the line so you can sit here and speak in phony accents and discuss the fucking weather. Now that’s okay, I’m not looking for a thank you but don’t go looking down your snotty nose at us; that’s fuckin’ hypocritical!

She ignored the rant and asked, So you were in the armed forces?

You know my name; I’m guessing you did your homework and know that I was booted out of the Navy.

Yes, but I don’t know why.

It’s a long story and boring as hell. Let’s talk about you and what I’m doing here, and where the heck is Jacko? I could use a beer, I replied, looking for the waiter.

You are direct; I like that. Okay, Caleb, we don’t have to delve into the past if you don’t want to. You’re here because I have a proposition for you – one that can make you some money and solve a problem I inherited.

And here I was thinking it was because I had that Gregory Peck thing going on.

She was on the verge of responding when the obnoxious motherfucker in the starched suit picked that precise moment to return with my beer, a Budweiser.

Your beer, sir, he said with the fake accent. This dude was stiffer than an arthritic eighty-year-old. His demeanor changed when he looked at doll-face, and with all the charm in the world he asked, Are you ready to order, Miss Swanson?

I swear this bloke was smooth; he could dance better than Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers twirling on a dime.

I’ll have the usual, Richard. She smiled and handed the menu back to him.

The grilled sea bass with pasta and a side order of roasted artichoke hearts, he said with an obsequious smile. He turned to me while refilling her wine glass. And what about you, sir, what would you like?

Though he was being polite you could sense the disdain. It was palpable but I decided to ignore it. I mean, his life was almost as shitty as mine having to stick his face up the butts of these rich assholes, and most of them didn’t wipe more than once if they wiped at all!

Get me your biggest steak, cooked rare, and a baked potato with butter.

I pronounce butter like a real American: budder! But he acted like it was a foreign word and gave me a ‘what the fuck are you saying’ look. We have garlic butter and butter churned with cilantro, and the house favorite – fermented butter with bacon and chives.

Plain old BUTT-TER, I replied, making sure to roll the fucking T right into the ground.

He smiled with his lips, his face colder than ice. May I recommend the chateaubriand – it melts in your mouth. All our beef is the best dry-aged American Wagyu and we reverse-sear our steaks.

I perked up at the American Wagyu bit though I had no idea what Wagyu was. But as long as it was American I was a happy camper.

Is that your biggest steak?

No. Our largest is the 24 ounce prime rib served bone-in. But…

I cut him short, The chance of me coming back here are slim to none and yup, you guessed it, Slim just blew out of town. So, if you loosen up your panties and get the wax out of your ears, you would have heard me the first time – your largest steak, Jacko!

Thank you. He glared at me and reached for the menu, but I grabbed his arm, pulled him down and drilled him with a look that would have frightened King Kong. Okay, maybe not Kong, but you get the drift.

Listen up because I’m only going to say this once. If you fuck with my food I’ll nip those tiny little nuggets you call balls and feed them to my pet pig, and then I’ll stomp you to a bloody pulp. So you go on back there and let those lads in the kitchen know that I’m not one of your genteel, cock-sucking, roach-eating, motherfucking clients! I’m a Neanderthal with a bad temper. You got that?

He tried jerking his arm free, but the man hadn’t seen the inside of a gym in his life. His lips began to quiver and I was sure he was going to lose control of his bladder. He turned paler than Casper but not quite as friendly.

This is the Milano and we don’t do that kind of thing here, sir. There are cameras all over and even if there weren’t, I wouldn’t stoop to do that, he croaked, his voice shaking a bit.

Okay, old chap, then you have nothing to worry about. Just make sure the steak is rare – bloody rare and get me another beer. I’m hungry, so try and speed this up or should I say chop, chop and all that!

She hadn’t said a word during my friendly repartee with the waiter but sat there with a bemused look on her face and a smile, a Mona Lisa smile, except she’d make da Vinci’s model look like a fat caricature of a demented hag. Hey, chill out before you blow Twitter up with your sanctimonious tweets screaming blasphemy. She was Euro-trash and my gal is a red-blooded American. It’s a no-contest. I’ve been to France – crooked yellow teeth and pale skin, not my cup of tea. Wait a minute, I think that was England; oh, never mind they’re all the fuckin’ same.

I guess you’re beginning to wish we were at Dunkin’ Donuts, right? I asked fascinated by those lips and Azure eyes. Yup, I learnt a new word.

Au contraire, mon chéri, she sighed, you are everything I expected.

She picked at her food; dainty little bites while watching me wolf down what looked like half a cow - the tastiest steak I’d ever eaten. And while I savored the rib and guzzled the beer, she explained her predicament. It was an interesting proposition – dangerous but then anything worth something comes with strings attached. We talked about other things too, mainly about my life but I did find out that her name was Rachael Swanson and that she was related to the billionaire Swanson family from Montana.

After a couple of hours of small talk, she asked, So, Cal, will you do it?

Let me mull it over and I’ll let you know, I replied, totally noncommittal. Though I had risked my life in the past, this was different and even a lucky cat like me can run out of lives.

I will need to know soon, she urged, forehead furrowed and a look of concern etched on that pretty face.

You’ll have my answer tomorrow, I assured her and stood up. I’ve got to get going. Some of us have to work for a living.

Oh, we all work, Cal, it’s only a question of the type of work we do.

She bent over and collected her book and purse.

I punched an officer, I said looking into those hypnotic eyes.

What?

I got booted out of the Navy Seals for punching an asshole who was trying to assault a young girl. It was late and he and his pals had dragged her into the men’s room of a pub. I stopped it and that was that. His buddies swore that it was consensual and that I was just jealous.

Did she comes forward and testify?

Nope. She was young, no more than fifteen or sixteen, and was too frightened to report it to the police. She said her parents would kill her.

Rachael was quiet, studying me for a while, then said with a sigh, You’re a strange man, Caleb, but I think I’m beginning to like you.

All because I punched an officer? I was trying to be funny.

That’s partly it, but more so because you’re not pretentious. I’m going to stay a bit and mingle with the pompous, reptilian motherfuckers, she said, keeping a straight face, and gave me a peck on the cheek and traipsed off to mingle with the rats and snakes and the cutthroat assholes that rule our world.

God, she smelled good. She had eaten only half her food so I asked the arthritic rabbit to pack it along with the bone. Rico would enjoy it, and just maybe he would forgo chewing on my ass. Hey, I’m not proud and a meal is not to be wasted, especially one from the Milano.

I was feeling good, so on my way out I picked a banana from the fruit bowl and tossed it to the snotty bitch. Give this to your chimp.

When I got into my car, I could hear Bongo shrieking for his reward and that’s when my cell phone rang.

CHAPTER 2

FRIENDS AND FOES AND A NASTY DOG…

Ronnie Archibald Griffith was my childhood buddy. His mother left Barbados for a better life and had moved to Brooklyn, and the first time I saw him, he was getting his ass kicked by a bunch of the neighborhood bullies.