A Primer for Cadavers

AN INTRODUCTION TO THE WORK

Dears –

Millions of urgent, mega-bereaved children will hurl wills wedged inside denuded plastic bottles and at cursed lakes forever choked with same,

X. A little later, after-hours, lining the shore they’re, um, perfectly normally reflexively force-gagging one another with forebear’s forefingers – which come in stiff pairings (snapped off at the love), tightly parcelled in red paisley bandanas that are now, we understand, browning and sodden with an unchecked gravy of same,

X.

Said ramming home so said summoning asphyxial opinions and sadly so soon after our super-hot bodies disentangled,

X. My mind is in your crotch,

X, while I sit staring at this piano’s tremendously INTELLIGIBLE anachronisms; the acceptance of this pen’s disabilities; the blithe arrogance of a fat analogue wristwatch,

X. Conservatively speaking, the machine-chamfered tools of late phallic whittling abound and universally, so honestly,

X, very much capable of honing any stubborn shape into the absolute SPIT. Normally, blunt knives designed as such and held just so for really wholesome bruising, in the main (a particular pedagogic method: firm, spheroidal fruit wielded inside ivory, Egyptian cotton pillowcases). So very nearly a joke, right? A cut, then, is only WORRIED into the world once weeks are spent on one rose-maddening patch of WINNING inner thigh, which, er, resembles nothing so incisive as the act of a blade, but rather ripping or snagging of clumsy child portions from a dim source with your monstrous fingernails,

X – under which we will retrieve dark evidence of that vast out-of-town mattress of toxic green moss and a lover’s forensic picnic at the site thereof, comprising Alertec® ‘corroborated’ by kale and vivid yellow slime-mould, right? Recuperated, if needs be, post mortem. That’s a threat. Hence the urgency around will penning, if law is to be so very previous.

Other weeks the whole thing just feels so, um, dumbly squandered on worthily enervated abstinence; your sole vignetted eye kept till bloodshot and weeping on today’s such-and-such remedial shrine, fucktard. Remember,

X: everything here is edible; the keys, the shiny red car, the ring fingers, the police, those sad looking people queuing at maybe a product launch over there; the very tarmac, the very overcast sky – the very shit unfurling so conventionally down your leg. All of it perfectly cooked sous vide and in thin black bin bags secreted behind the wainscot and with zingy rats slashed and wrung out, concentrated – reduced – under really not the whole world’s scrutinizing gaze by that haunted dog,

X: apparently readily available at the deli counter in enormous, autocratic supermarkets, which I can totally believe.

It can take years to reach a wrong full term, I guess. Also, please excuse the quiet. Excuse the quiet in here. Caught between discounted stud-walls where eloquent, eminent agonisms once rehearsed for avid audiences who fucking owned the subtleties of understanding. Quarrels that danced slow and deliberate into a love already defoliated of all the travesty-heart-shaped and weaponized amplification equipment. And notably angry vestigial language delivered from vulgar podia, erupting as ‘red’ from one of the five or six noise-making rifts I seldom though now envisaging quality hecklers of this unwaveringly dysmorphic façade. Well, my darling interlocutory passerine, who tenderly repossesses the sorely possessed over and over and through a mouth rapaciously giving out entire hissing summers of wet green noise to drown out nothing so much as ignorance,

X, which tends to the long-dead blue-sky-thinking thaumaturges, whose blood is now so despoiled of oxygen they may as well be forcibly identified as dreaming acanthuses, leaves carefully lifted in the already known to be futile hunt for a pair of jewel-like lungs or simply something recognizable as genitals.

Generally speaking there’s been no DEARTHS identified with acceptance: of and under those factory-distressed clothes distressingly haired moles skin tagging and slowly peeling back in awkward equivalence to nictitating membranes, only without eyes to ‘get at’; all the better to prevent cowardice being rehomed ahead of more deserving, tax-paying parties – such as your terrifying, mercenary sensibility,

X – which no doubt the very headwater of your historic ALONE. Better to gag again,

X; better to express when you’re considerably dissembled; virtually deformed by the absence of sensory testimony and into some sort of mythical – né declawed – Monster of the Text, executed in long-handed blue-blood rope burn. So seeping out from the cuffs, the dock and the cute courthouse.

Whip pan to interior: this very real, tight bedsit, door bolted – and we might consider those two or three rectangular electrical recta that are getting busy the moment, merrily disgorging dark, rich, beautifully observed and oversized severed heads of handsome MEN – one by one and interminably; each emergent identikit countenance a stunning, flickering pageant of fucking superlative psychic expression! Most of which super-referents you’re oblivious to,

X, and how sad you might feel if that too weren’t a sensation out-performed with more coherent BRIO than you had thought attainable and not, of course, save for the shining, grinning plastic craw. O! the shame that flushes your system arrives simultaneously alongside a total disinterest concerning each expression’s unimpeachable, tear-jerk humanity, which makes the whole rig seem irreproachable, really. Enviable certitude presented similarly irrefutably – benchmarking and desktop delimiting the vernacular of possible/impossible experience and its insufficient representation. As in: what will suffice to prevent disastrous interpretative divergence? – The judicious application of exclamation marks? A deft shuffle of enthusiastic dark-haired auditionee surrogates? (A proxy for tears is creditable,

X, but of loving blood-stifled collapsing chest-cavity wha?)

The Mirror Stage retrieved at last, taken away from those principled elephants and great apes of flattering anthropomorphism, gifted with calm irresponsibly to the exposure-wrecked pigeons, staggering out from beneath frowning underpasses, feet eroded by sustained contact with fried chicken and potato guano, exhausted; soft skulls poison-shrunk from olid and discarded black seed on spiked sills, or the swing of dull, unchecked toddler’s fat leg. And it dawns: slowly rising flocks, the SMUT OF THE SUN, as if a beak could crack a smile over a thousand years. And here lies hope,

X: The London Met, humbled, hats off, numbers I don’t even need to see with water-cannoned eyes. And it isn’t, um, beautiful but instead monstrous, the heraldic crest of a troll emblazoned on everyone’s tongues to lick past wounds because they taste groundingly cheap.

Desperate regurgitation the denial of this economy’s omnipresence, even if and simply semantically. All there is left for me, gesture-wise, is the rejection of a huge thumb forcibly grafted for fingered value picked like a scab from the shea-buttered surface of every single plush tendril coming from your wondrous being,

X. The only way in which figuration is DE-violated and molecular-level insubordination could possibly repair otherness is how I just now liked to think as a description of love,

X. And fleeting: a bridge formed by leaping jets of whetted electrical current, subsequently misting in the blinding sunlight. The turning-down of productive, progressive use with just a cuddle,

X? Otherwise we might just fucking forget it and deservedly decamp: rejection the sole property of spirit-levelled sense-makers and, um, your home,

X, which is reaffirmed as a limited capacity pine lung stowed beneath sea-level.

No one hears you,

X. Though my searing wish would be to join you in there; with you and up against you. An unfettered pair of dampening husks curled together like savoured and pre-sucked Pringles. With somehow our lips and ears enfolded for whispering in circular breaths,

X, and aimless affirmatory conjurations and memories lisped with precise neurological terminology to simply galvanize the inaccuracy inside our heads and more than likely, tomorrow, as our brains turn to sparkling mush without curtains drawn and finally come together. Murmured try-outs of proper synonyms for love.

As in: I love you,

X. (Self-chiding for retarded vocabulary where it really counts: sighed into your face,

X. There’s an idea that adequate performance recognition is the line of contingency for affective conveyance,

X – whereas it’s v. clear that the irreproachability of you, sung to the moon in one of those perma-wilting falsettos, yields something that returns you to your embodied self, which gets loved as such and like a rash.)

Ergo, kisses possible not just for lips relish but applied thwarting warring apparatuses and rather than the tart foley of bullet on plate metal or breeze-block, sound-tracking instead in an orgy of agonistic stringed instruments bowed with taught and very willing vermilion guts and discordance is cherished. LIKED.

The need is unquestionable, though occasionally attempted dismissal with that self-same stately wave of the hand that labels evil though never inside of a young head. Ribbons of ticker-taped loathing drift down to no ground, remember? Like air-to-air ruination.

Will you write to me,

X? I will seldom respond, if ever. As wherever I go, there I am: beneath beneath beneath, sucker-punch doubled-over into stress positioned speech in nasty unisons – some benevolent thing seeming-listening with stupid honourable prosthetic ears while from the mouth a few inches down and degrees perfect rotation: a vituperative, electrical bugged buzz-hole both sooth-says all this unreal and unmeant encouragement while through an adjacent hot air vent sucking correspondent oxygen (which I require for living,

X) from my lungs well in advance of the hopeful trachea, the plucky larynx, the dewy-eyed tongue and comedy teeth, all earnestly poised to pronounce, errm, the simple possibilities of disliking anything but in supra-agreement, etc. And what if I want to disavow the possibility of abundantly replacing an experience with some Legion other’s mediated imagery?

RAZOR

Drifting off, I imagine a razor blade gliding along the central seam of my scrotum. The weight of the testicles makes the wound yawn

apart, disgorging the contents, silent-spulled across the small sheet and weird thigh room tween my legs.

It’s a recurring, pre-slumber thought that, once summoned, loops unresolvedly.

Lying there as an unfortunate patient lies on the operating table: senses dulled by anaesthetic fug while horrid quasi-perception continues to function.

Albeit like BROKE strobe and from some forensic perspective over there in the head

of some sort of man at the foot. I can see every glim a-snag of the razor’s edge, every tautening and subsequent slackening of the skin before and after the blade – every dull slip of my

private gore under the duvet.

Feels like something between that, um, lurch when seeing/hearing your foul enemies vomiting, and the subliminal shiver DONE certain pieces of music.

It feels internal and nervous and impossible and wet the spark of muscle and bone nerve like live copper wiring veins and plumbing the marrow, scoop-hollowing out and pitching me into absolute sensation.

A TUMOUR (IN ENGLISH)

INTRUSION

Extruded from a previously unnoticed orifice situated somewhere on your reverse. [EYES ROLL BACK]

Some sort of duct at the very centre of the crown – a tiny pinprick in the eye of the eye of that whorl of hair dreamt up by the skull. Somewhere near the root. Perhaps haloed by a few telltale white hairs, blanched by sheer proximity; SCALDED by hot zephyrs vented from the orifice. (Those hairs are thinner, too. Worried (as in ‘worried’) to distraction, they’re not sleeping properly. Perpetually bolt upright despite the considerable application of calming hair products. (Clays, waxes, mousses, creams, putties, etc.)

/

A grove of silver birch trees at night, signposting the mouth of a cave, are plucked one by one by the light of my torch. The light interrupted by a stooped figure. Not a cave but a slate mine, long abandoned. Abandoned but sporadically occupied by local teenagers. They go there in the nocturnal depths of summer to conduct their bored, occult ceremonies. Thousands of them, sat cross-legged on the soft soil and hard rock down there. A mile down. Breathing in unison, quarrying into one another and the slate-shagged earth with nothing but their combined languor and a bucketful of veterinary drugs passed hand to hand to ass to mouth. An orgy of fecklessness and animal despair. Then a disconsolate voice from the mouth of the mine confuses the scale and petrifies the trees.

/

An elegant hand, while caressing the head, lingers too long at the crown. A finger delicately tracing the perimeter of the orifice (an idle game at first, an infinitesimal sentence, tactile-signed quickly on your head. You understand that those peculiar etymological roots common to both ‘comfort’ and ‘vestigial’ are being discussed by fingers and skull. […] You understand more than you can speak). A tight black dot only apprehended as an opening and not a mole or a fleck or a biro-written full stop when you run your finger over it. A narrow jet of sulphur-inflected air FORTHCOMING. An inhalation to be taken for the alleviation of depravity – a geological vent VENTING the gas generated as a by-product of the process of maintaining the memories of forthcoming commitments – a wind instrumentalized by the distinct corrugations scoring the edge of the hole – the note, pitched in wasteland, is a kind of harmonic overtone between two inaudible voices, whispering down the precious, velvet network of a bat’s ear (a tear welling in the bat’s right eye) – a damnable draft, its true source remaining unknown despite your increasingly desperate search about the walls of the flat – we must submit to wearing an extra layer at all times – a stream of compressed air delivered from a canister, intended for photographic purposes but employed here to dislodge satisfying fragments of STUFF from a gap between the staves that make up the tabletop. An emergency TRACHEOTOMY – an incision made using a paring knife – an old fashioned paper straw jostled into the gash – precarious, gargling breaths drawn (praying that the wetted, sagging straw will hold till the paramedics get here) – a familiar whistle, through the chipped gap between your two front teeth (‘Camptown Races’ or whatever – a blowing, aimed as precisely as possible at the flame of a candle – the slightest ripple to interrupt its verticality (LIQUID SHADOWS across the walls) – the straining fan inside the old laptop. Etc.

/

Situated at the precise cranial antipode to the burnt tip of your tongue, as seen protruding between your teeth, just a little, like the cat’s. An idiotic, lobotomized expression landed heavy on your face. And the tip of the tongue burnt, a tiny hemisphere raised angry, red – a sore, snagged by the incisors with alarming regularity while eating, maintaining the sore, keeping it from calming, reminding you, with every sharp nibble, of the miniscule orifice at the top of your head.

One day, the escaping breath, the gas, becomes liquid – wetting the cap you’ve taken to wearing for shame of the hole. A dark liquid. Black semen. Thick ink. And an alarming amount. Discharged when you’re worried, maybe, too. When everything feels on the brink of collapse. You’re career, you’re life. – In those moments when you feel the shameful fraudulence of your existence, your undeserving, your absolute worthlessness.

/

You make your excuses and scurry off – to bolted toilet cubicle, to carefully unpeel the cap from your head in private: gluey black liquor extend like the ill mozzarella. Examined, rubbed between finger and thumb. Held up to the nose and fuck! Running your head under the cold tap, trying hard not to splash water into the orifice. For fear of exacerbating the problem – we’ll shave around it, maybe try to stopper it with some sort of makeshift bung.

I’ve noticed that the white hairs are spreading. I mean, there are more white hairs in the vicinity of the hole now. Spiralling out. And the smell is worse than before. Meatier. I can almost taste it, acrid at the back of the throat.

(Did you always have such a prominent cowlick?)

The next morning, there’s an object lying heavy on the pillow