Where I Found Hope

By: Tanaira Johnson

Chapter 1

I’m sitting on the bank of the North Umpqua River. There is a long, soft towel underneath me. I stretch my toes out into the warm sand and lean back, basking in the sunlight on my face. I put on my sunglasses and close my eyes. I feel so warm, relaxed, happy, and safe - more than I have in a very long time. 

Then suddenly, it's all gone as I startle back to consciousness and remember I'm not in Oregon anymore. Instead, I'm on a bus, hurtling through the desert.  Not knowing whom I'm going to see, not knowing what they'll be like - I hope they're not heathens. I hope they’re not devil worshipers like my father said - but I'm terrified that they are. I'm so scared that they'll be worse than him. I don't think that I could bear to be stuck with someone worse than him. I doubt that I could survive. As all these thoughts course through my mind, I look up and see many other passengers staring at me. I want to scream at them.

Have you never seen a girl in a homemade dress before? Do I look that strange to you? I'm just like you. I have hopes and dreams and desires. Just because I dress differently, that doesn't mean that I'm not human - that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when you stare or giggle or point at me as you whisper in your friend's ear. I can see what's happening. I know that you're getting joy at my expense. I've seen it before.

But, of course, I don't yell. Instead, I do what I always have done. I look away from the others as I blink back my tears. I curl up in a ball and wish to become invisible, but I know from experience that it isn't possible.

As I twist my body up tighter, I scrape my face against the rough fabric of the seat. It sends a rush of pain through me. I smell the mustiness of the seat fabric and can tell that no one has cleaned them in a while. I remind myself that the passengers are probably staring at the dark bruise across my cheek as well.

I’m so drained and exhausted that my deepest wish is to escape for a while.  But, as the baby in the bus's front seat starts to cry again, I realize this will be a very long trip.

I let my mind wander as I stare out the window. At first, I try counting trees, but then I get bored and carsick. So, I just stare. Eventually, I stopped seeing the mountains, and that made me sad. A weird part of me misses seeing mountains out the window. Everything has become so flat. Goodbye, lush green forests and rolling hills. Hello, dust, cacti, and tumbleweeds. This environment is so foreign to me that it feels like I'm on another planet.

What will these heathens be? I wonder as I stare out the window. Will they yell at me? Well, my father yelled, so I guess I could handle that. Will they be violent? My father had never hurt me before yesterday, but then I've been terrified of him hitting me for my entire life. The idea terrifies me, but that is why he sent me here. He wanted to teach me a lesson and scare me. He wanted me to see what real heathens are like so that I would turn my heart back to God, apologize for all my sins, and be a good little preacher’s daughter.

But, if I'm honest with myself - deep down - there is a rebellious part of me that wants to be free. I don't want to go back. If I want a chance to escape my father and his rules, I must be open-minded about this place. Just as I have finally resolved to be brave about this terrifying new situation, the bus lurches to a stop.

I begin to have a panic attack. I can't do this. I really can't. Whom was I kidding? Coming here was a huge mistake. I should just go home now, apologize, and promise never to see Dove again. I will dress the right way, act as I should, and do everything he wants. I can't do this. But I have to. He won't let me come home. Not today, at least. He just sent me away last night. So, I take a deep breath, remind myself to blow it back out, grab my bag, and slowly walk down the aisle. I dread this so much that my feet feel weighed down with lead. But I force them to move as I get closer to my dreaded destination.

I am determined not to panic as I step down off the bus. I slowly look up and feel confused. Why are there so many people here? Everyone else got off the bus hours ago. It's just been that creepy bus driver who always stared at me. But why would this large crowd of people be here for just me? I don't even know them. They're strangers. Why would they care about me getting off the bus? They couldn't all be here for me, could they?

I see that I’m right as the crowd swarms my way, shouting in a language I can't understand. I cower against the wall of the bus. My knees buckle as I collapse into a ball on the ground. I hold my breath and wait for them to attack. Then, suddenly, everything goes silent. I peek through my fingers and breathe in the dusty air. The crowd has backed up. Only a strange-looking woman, a little older than my mother, remains near me. I know better than to call someone's appearance strange, but I've never seen an Indian with golden skin, wild curls, and bright hazel eyes. Well, honestly, I've never seen an Indian before. Or should I call her a Native American?

I’m even more surprised when she speaks with an Irish accent.

Why, hello there, Dear. You must be Lily. You look so much like your mother, she says quietly. I'm your Aunt Cate.

I slowly put my hands down and instantly register the look of surprise and confusion on her face as she sees my bruise for the first time. When I blush and glance down, she purposefully focuses on my eyes, allowing me to avoid discussing what happened to my face.

How could you be my aunt? I whisper, noticing how much darker her skin is than mine.  My mother's an only child, and I'm practically albino. Not to mention my cobalt blue eyes, but then I do have ebony hair. Could it be?

Oh, that you are, Darlin', Cate loudly laughs. But I'm your grandfather's younger sister. Didn't your mother tell you whom you were coming to see?

No, she didn't say a word. My father loaded me on the bus so quickly, but he probably wouldn't let her tell me anyway. He's um...uh... I pause, unsure how to say the word racist without disrespecting him. He's...

Do you mean racist, Hon? She asks gently. I nod my head in shame.

Well, that's not your fault, you innocent little thing. You can't choose your family. You can't help how they are. Trust me, Cate says reassuringly.

As a mother, I know. Now, how would you feel about meeting more of your family?

Okay, I reply, unsure but not wanting to be rude.

She motions to the group.  A boy around twelve begins our way. He must still be growing into his legs. I muse as he strides our way. He reminds me of the colts I used to watch running in our neighbor's field back home, especially with his long hair blowing in the wind. I quickly avert my eyes, attempting to remain appropriately respectful and polite. But also to hide the dark bruise across my cheek and eye.

Hi, I'm Eagle. He says, almost whispering, and I realize he must be shy too. I glance up at his face to see a big smile. He looks so sweet that I can't help but smile back, but my excitement turns to shame as he looks at my face and instantly covers his mouth. I look back down, my face turning scarlet.

Sorry. He whispers.

I am so sorry. He walks to stand beside Cate. He looks at her with a questioning expression, but she shakes her head. He nods silently.

Eagle is my youngest. She murmurs to me. He just turned twelve, so he’s curious, but he doesn't mean anything by it. I nod in understanding.

Again, I see her wave to the crowd.

Here comes my oldest. She whispers toward me as a young man walks our way. He looks around twenty, with long black hair and dark eyes like his brother. They could pass for twins if it weren't for their height and age differences.

Again, I avert my eyes, my father’s words ringing in my ears.

Never, under any circumstances, should you look a man in the eyes without express permission. Shake hands and glance up if you must, but do not make unnecessary eye contact. I will not have you tarnishing my reputation with your actions.

I remind myself to focus on the cheekbones or chin, and if he sees the bruise, then look down without saying anything. He is a man, and I am not his equal. My bruised face is my fault. I deserved it; the circumstances surrounding it are not his problem or his business.

How. He says in a somber tone. Again, I break my father’s rule, looking up incredulously to read his facial expression and find him barely holding back laughter.

Okay, okay, I speak English. He laughs.

I just wanted to see your reaction... His words trail off as a quizzical look crosses his face.

I'm Hawk.

I smile slightly back, then quickly look down, hoping that I haven't brought too much shame on my father. But then, I never fully understood the whole eye contact thing. I know that the eyes are the windows to the soul, but I should at least be able to carry on a conversation with relatives without staring at their cheeks or chins.

As I inwardly argue with myself, I glance sideways to see Cate motion to the group again, and I am relieved to see a girl start our way. She is stunning. I think to myself. I wish that I could get my skin that beautiful color. But then, I've always said that my skin doesn't tan; it just turns almost Caucasian color and stops, or it burns. And she is wearing pants? Wait, I didn't notice before, but a lot of the women are wearing pants. And her hair is hanging loose and uncovered? What kind of place is this? They have different rules than back home.

The girl who looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine, not that I’ve ever read one, but a girl can imagine, hugs me gently, then smiles warmly.

I'm Hawk's wife, Rain. That makes us family, but I hope we can be friends too. It’s so nice to meet you. It'll be so great to have another girl around. She rambles.

Usually, it's just me and Cate keeping all the boys in line. Then she bends over.

Don’t worry about them; you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. She whispers in my ear.

She's right. I'm not ready to discuss The River Incident with anyone, so I nod in assent. I know that my father would be livid if the private business of our family came to light.

Thanks, I appreciate it, I reply quietly. I wouldn't know where to begin. Everyone is staring like they've never seen a bruise before. I sarcastically add, but only in my head.

Rain smiles and hugs me again. I'm so excited! She adds.

It'll be like having a sister. I smile back, pleasantly surprised at how kind she is while understanding my desire to maintain my privacy. She moves to stand beside Hawk.

How? Are you kidding me? She chides as she smacks him on the back of the head.

What, are you twelve? She continues.

No offense Eagle. She adds quickly.

So much for making a good impression, Babe. He doesn't yell or smack her back, to my surprise but laughs.

Hey, I thought it was classy. He replies with a smirk. Rain shakes her head and laughs, letting Hawk grab her and pull her in for a long kiss. I'm surprised again. Firstly, I wonder why Hawk treats her like an equal. Shouldn't she be his quiet, subservient shadow? I wonder to myself. This concept is unheard of for me, but everyone here is acting like it's the norm. Secondly, I'm confused that their elders haven't reprimanded them for their gratuitous public display of affection, but no one says a word about that either.

The rest of the group patiently waits for their turn to meet me, which still baffles me. It's like I'm a celebrity or something. But then, I guess that, in a way, I am, seeing as I'm likely the only white relative aside from my mother.

I look to Cate. How many sons do you have? I ask.

Just the two. She replies.

But Hawk brought a friend. She waves once more to the crowd, and I curiously watch to see how Hawk's friend will look. That’s when a gorgeous boy separates from the group and begins my way. I can't help but stare at him as he confidently walks over in low-slung jeans and an unbuttoned flannel shirt. His muscles are so large that they seem to bust through his undershirt. Oh wow. You are way too hot to be near my age! Wait, I didn't say that out loud, right? Nope, everyone's acting normal. Thank goodness, but I am so going to hell, and it's almost worth it! I am so ashamed of myself.  Some perfect preacher’s daughter I am, thinking immoral thoughts is a sin! I remind myself.

I quickly avert my eyes as he stops mere inches away from me. Forcing myself to look at his chin, not his dark brown eyes, I whisper in shame.

I am so sorry for staring at you. I should never have made eye contact without your permission, especially in front of this many people. I breathe, wishing I could meet his eyes to gauge his reaction, but I continue my conversation with his chest instead.

I promise it will never happen again. His chest begins shaking as he quietly chuckles.

Stare as much as you want; I won't tell, I promise. He whispers, his lips nearly touching my ear. A shiver goes down my spine.

Really? I whisper back, hazarding a glance at him.

Really, really. He replies with a giant grin.

It is much easier carrying on a conversation like this anyway. He says.

I'm Matoskah, by the way, but you can call me Bear. He adds huskily as a giant smile splits his face. Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are? That smile could make any girl swoon. I think, suddenly glad that he's just hot and not psychic.

Lily, I nervously reply, not trusting myself to say more than that without sharing my inappropriate inner musings.

I can hear Hawk's laughter to my right. Rain is whispering at him to knock it off, but as Bear announces,

Nice to meet you, Lily. Hawk loses it completely, loud laughter erupting from him as he looks our way.

Please excuse me a moment, Bear pronounces politely. I nod as he casually strolls toward Hawk. I'm shocked as I watch him tackle Hawk to the ground. The two roll around in the dust as everyone looks on, laughing. Why are they laughing? Shouldn't their elders break up their inappropriate displays of aggression? Aren't their families embarrassed? No one seems embarrassed or angry but amused instead. That's odd, huh? Wow, I'm dizzy. Oh no, I'm going to pass out in front of all these people. How embarrassing. I think, in a panic, as I lose consciousness. I feel the sensation of falling as everything goes black.

I hear voices softly calling my name, and the closer I get to waking up, the louder they become. I'm unsure where I am or what happened, but it all slowly returns—Dove, my father, the river, my face, riding the bus. Okay, I know where I am; but why is the ground soft and warm now? Wait, it's moving, breathing? Someone is holding me, and they smell like campfire smoke, timber, and sweat...No. It can't be. Please no. I know who it is, and as my eyes slowly flutter open, my fears are confirmed. It's Bear. It would almost be romantic if I didn't feel so embarrassed. I muddle through the fuzziness in my mind to whisper.

What happened?

You fainted. I caught you just in time. He replies, also in a whisper.

Did everyone see? I ask, feeling mortified.

They sure did. He replies.

In fact, they're still staring, Bear adds, grinning against my ear. He's right. Everyone is laughing at our whispered conversation. How embarrassing. I wish that I could hide! I moan to myself as I quickly turn to bury my face in his chest, hoping to hide my embarrassment, but unfortunately, that is counterintuitive, I realize too late, as I feel his firm muscles surrounding me. Quickly, I stiffen. No! I can't do this! I don't even know this guy! What's wrong with me? I jump up from his lap as quickly as possible, instantly getting vertigo and coming close to blacking out again.

Woah, take it easy. He murmurs, concern etched in his features as he grasps my arms to steady me.

I...I... I am so sorry. I reply, completely mortified.

Wait, you're apologizing for getting dizzy? He asks with a confused look.

I guess so, I confirm.

Don't be. He replies with a wink. I blush, looking down to hide my smile.

Are you all right, Dear? Cate asks worriedly.

Aside from being completely mortified, I'm fine, I reply.

I think my blood sugar is just a little low. I didn't have dinner last night or breakfast and lunch today. I didn't sleep much either.

You poor thing, Cate says, shaking her head.

That won't do. We need to get you home right now and get you a hot meal and a place to sleep. Then, you can meet everyone else later. She adds. Then she addresses the group.

Lily here hasn't eaten in over twenty-four hours, and seeing how she would prefer to stop fainting, I’m taking her home. You know where I live, so if you want to say hi, meet us there. Everyone nods in agreement and does what she says, heading towards the parking lot except for Cate, Hawk, Eagle, Rain, and Bear. Cate quietly takes me to the side.

Don't worry about fainting; it happens to all of us from time to time, and you don't have to worry about your knight in shining armor. I'm sure you'll see plenty of Bear; he is Hawk's best friend, after all. She adds with a chuckle.

They’re practically brothers.

Oh, don't be embarrassed, you sweet little thing; after that display, I'm sure the interest is mutual, she adds, as my face colors in embarrassment.

You think so? I anxiously question.

I've known that boy for eighteen years, I'm pretty sure, Cate replies with a smile.  

Boys, one of you needs to grab Lily's bag, Cate calls. At which a race ensues. It looks like sweet little Eagle wants to help, but he doesn't stand a chance against Hawk and Bear. I muse to myself, trying not to smile. It's difficult not to because everyone here seems so open and inviting. And the rivalry between Hawk and Bear is quite something. I’m curious if he's trying so hard because he's like Hawk's brother or because he likes me. What if he does like me? I'm not sure how I would feel about that. I mean, no boy has ever expressed interest in me before. The idea makes me nervous but also excited.

Hawk is about to make it to my bag when at the very last second, Bear trips him. I must admit that he's showing off as he lifts my bag onto his shoulder.

Bear shoots me a grin, and we make our way to the vehicles together. Cate quickly walks to a tall, gruff-looking man.

This is your Uncle Wolf. She tells me, motioning to him as she puts an arm around his waist.

Hello, I whisper to his chin, trying not to be intimidated but failing miserably. 

You can look me in the eyes. He replies. 

I'm not going to scalp you, Girl. I slowly bring my eyes up to meet his. I’m startled once again as he frowns at my bruise.

Y... yes, sir. I stammer, quickly glancing down again. By now, everyone else has piled into vehicles, everyone that is, except Cate, Wolf, Bear, and I.

We're out of seats in our rig, Cate pronounces.

Would you be willing to ride with Bear?

By ourselves? That's allowed? I question in shock.

There's no rule against that?

No. Of course not! Cate replies with a chuckle.

You are both old enough to make your own choices; plus, it's only a ten-minute ride. So how much trouble could you two get into?

I...I...I... I stutter, so embarrassed at the implication that I am unsure how to respond. I'm about to apologize again as I see Cate laugh.

You embarrass so easily, Dear. I was joking. You don't even know each other, and you're both good kids. I merely meant that I don’t know why you shouldn't ride in the same vehicle, especially if the others are full.

Um...it's me...my father, I quietly tell my shoes.

He always said that if I didn't follow his rules, then I'd go to hell, and this is definitely against the rules. I finally manage to add.

And I really...really don't want to go to hell. I almost sob at the prospect.

Go to hell for riding in a vehicle alone with a boy because...Oh. You mean that he implied something improper could happen. Hon, I can ASSURE you that NOTHING like that would possibly happen, especially with you in a dizzy, compromised condition. She says, looking at Bear the whole time.

I swear it wasn't even on my... He starts to say, but then stops and tries again.

I mean, not that I wouldn't want to...crap...um, I mean, I don't even know her...I'll be good. I swear. He finally finishes, looking expectantly at Cate and me. I can't help but smile at his lack of words.

Well, if he'll be good and you'll be good, then I trust you. Have fun. Cate replies to the two of us as she climbs into a blue car. Bear and I walk through the parking lot until we reach a big green pickup truck.

Umm, well, this is it, Bear says as he unlocks the driver’s door. Then he gets in and leans over to open the passenger’s door, tossing my bag in the back seat.

I hate driving with uncomfortable silences, so can we just start over? He asks, looking into my eyes. Why do you have to be so hot? I ask myself.

Start over? Please. This day has been the single most terrifying and embarrassing of my life. I would love to start over. And now I'm rambling. Sorry. Umm, I mean...Hi, I'm Lily. I can tell he is trying not to laugh as he watches me try to cover my awkwardness. Then, he starts to chuckle with that gorgeous, deep voice.

Okay, hi, I'm White Bear, but I go by Bear. Nice to meet you. We both sigh with relief." Why do I trust you? I muse to myself.

The rest of this afternoon doesn't exist. Agreed? He pulls me from my deep thoughts.

Agreed. I giggle. Giggling, why am I laughing right now? Is this what it feels like to flirt? He turns the key in the ignition and gets the truck into gear.

So.... Bear begins as he puts the truck in reverse.

What's the deal with your father? Is he super religious, crazy, or something? Oh man, I'm sorry that came out wrong.

No. Umm, it's okay, my father...is a pastor... Bear nods, looking deep in thought.

What kind of pastor? He asks.

Baptist or catholic, maybe? I shake my head slowly.

We used to be Mennonite until I was four. They had a lot of rules, like girls wearing skirts down to their ankles, high-necked shirts, and keeping their hair up in a bun with a head covering. My father said they were too lax in their expectations, so he left to start a church of his own with some like-minded people. I try to follow the rules, but this has been bugging me all day. I reach up to untie my kerchief. I throw it down on the floor, pull the pins from my bun, shake it out, and run my fingers through my long, straight, jet-black hair. When I see the grin on his face, I smile, then he turns back to the road.

Anyway, he sent me here, hoping that... But then I freeze. I can't tell this boy what my father did or the horrible things he said about all of them!

Go on.... He says expectantly.

I... I can't. I say. I can't repeat all those hateful things!

He... said some things about me...and all of you... but he doesn't know you guys, and I'm pretty sure that he's wrong, and I don't want to repeat it, I reply, flustered, as I try not to hyperventilate. Bear pulls over to the side of the road.

Hey, it's all right. You can't control what your father says. And trust me, I've heard it before, but it's kind of you to try to spare my feelings, especially since we met two seconds after you got in my truck. But you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I'm just curious about you. I blush all over again. Man, he knows just what to say! I take a deep breath.

Do you want to know? I whisper as I hide behind my hair. 

Only if you want to share.

Well, the other day, my friend Dove and I were at the river.... I take my third deep breath. Man, do I want to let this almost stranger into a part of my secret pain? I ask myself. I take a shuddering breath and forge on.

When he found me, he...he...he, well...he... I pause, unsure whether to continue, but I glance toward his face and try to find my courage.

He brought me home, I whisper, chickening out.

So, did he hit you before or after he took you home? Bear blurts out. I freeze, staring at him wide-eyed. Then I start trembling.

I never said that he hit me, I continue, still in a whisper.

You didn’t have to. He answers with a sharp edge to his voice. I jump involuntarily, looking at the floor, ashamed to have shared too much. I nervously pull my sleeves down further over my hands. He quickly reaches over to grab my hands before I can pull away. I look down, aware that he'll see more than I meant to share.

It wasn't just your face. He says quietly as he gently pulls the sleeve back to get a better look at my right wrist, which is now purple and swollen.

I think it's just a sprain, I whisper, barely getting the last word out before I begin to sob uncontrollably. I hug my knees and bury my face into them. I let it all out, the fear and anger and sadness, everything that I held back for so long, pours out of me, and I can't stop until a warm pair of arms wraps around my trembling body.

My emotions are so raw that I don't bother to care. I just let Bear hold me as I cry and cry and cry. I cry for what feels like forever.

When I am finally able to stop, I realize that the front of Bear's shirt is now soaked with my tears. I look at his face, but I’m not prepared for what I see. He looks furious. But why?

What's wrong? I sniffle, scared of his reaction, but not sure why I’m afraid.

You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve any of it. He grits through his teeth.

It's not right. No one should hurt you for just trying to act like a normal teenager. And you shouldn't apologize for it either.

I'm confused. Why does this boy care what happened? He doesn't even know me.

You know I was so scared when everything happened. I was completely terrified. I didn't know where I was going or who would be there. I didn't expect the heathens to be so... I pause, feeling embarrassed yet again.

Don't put your foot in your mouth. Don't put your foot in your mouth.

So... what? He grins, obviously enjoying himself. I glare at him.

So nice and absurdly attractive, I reply, too tired to stop. Bear bursts out laughing.

Absurdly attractive, now there's a new one. So, that's more than regular attractive, right? He grins again, and I can't help but smile slightly back.

And warm, I pronounce, trying to change the subject, as I involuntarily snuggle a little closer to his chest.

Nope, I know what you're doing. You're trying to change the subject. He replies.

But you are warm, I groggily argue.

And I'm freezing so... I yawn widely as my eyes slide closed, and I slowly drift off into the most restful night of sleep I've had in years.

Chapter 2

Islowly open my sleep -filled eyes, feeling extremely disoriented. Did I oversleep? What time is it? The sun's not up, so it must be before six. Maybe if I hurry, I can make breakfast and clean the kitchen before Father gets up. He won't know if I rush, but wait, I'm not at home. Where am I? Oh yeah. I'm in Arizona."

As I sit up, letting the reality sink in, I see something flutter to the floor. It's a shirt. A blue plaid shirt that a particular boy was wearing yesterday. He must have covered me with it. Now that I think about it, I don't remember getting here last night. He must have carried me into the house. I'm sure that was a sight.

Glad that I'm alone, I lift the shirt to my face and breathe in its comforting scent. It smells like Bear. I feel silly, but then no one is around to see.

I take a whiff of my hair and realize I need a shower. I hear a noise from the kitchen and know I’m not the only one awake in this house. I crack the door and peek through to see Cate making coffee in the kitchen.

Now I just have to decide which identical blue dress to wear. I find my bag at the foot of the bed and open it to remove a clean one. I'm dismayed that my shampoo has exploded everywhere, and all three of my dresses got saturated with it. I dig to the bottom of the bag, praying for something clean, but to my horror, the only things not soaked with shampoo are the pair of forbidden jeans that Dove smuggled into my room one night and a single blue camisole. I begin to cry. I brought the jeans so my father wouldn't find them and be angry, not because I actually planned to wear them.

I only tried them on once, at Dove's house, and I hadn't even been brave enough to show her parents, much less wear them in front of dozens of strangers.  What am I going to do? I can't wear these pants. It isn't proper. What am I going to do? I begin to cry; after what I've gone through recently, I can't bear to disappoint anyone else, and it's not proper for a lady to wear pants. But I don't have any other option, so I grab the contraband jeans and the blue camisole. Then, I suddenly realize that the camisole won't cover my shoulders or wrist.  If only I had another shirt to wear over the top...no... I couldn't, but maybe. Okay fine. He left his shirt with me, so I'm going to wear it. Plus, wearing his shirt probably won't make things much worse after he carried me in last night.

I make my way out of the bedroom to see Aunt Cate in the kitchen, and I approach her.

"Hi, Aunt Cate,