There's An Angel Inside of Me

Chapter 1

The sound was ear shattering. I knew I was hit hard. I knew there was a red light, but I wasn’t sure if I went through it or the huge Ram truck ran it. But I was drunk and didn’t know much of anything at that instant.

It was almost in slow motion—the truck, the red light, the fact that I would take a direct hit from my driver’s side 2017 Cadillac Escalade. I knew it was bad. I knew I was speeding at around eighty on a main street of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, in a forty-five-mile-per-hour speed limit street. I knew it was wet, cold, and icy. And I knew I was going to die on my fifty-eighth birthday at around midnight.

It’s strange how pain doesn’t register for a while when you are severely hurt. You know it is a horrific accident. You see the blood all over, but the pain doesn’t really register. A million things rush through your brain in seconds. Thoughts of I’m really screwed! I’m too young to die! What about my daughter! Can’t I change the outcome?

Mere minutes last for what seems like an eternity when life is oozing out of your body. You know the damage is just too severe for any hope, but your brain is calculating thoughts like an out-of-control bizarre computer on speed. Everything is calculated—my house, my business, my massive fortune that took the major part of my life to amass. How could I lose it all? Who would get it all? My ex-wife will clean up for sure. And how many people will silently be happy that I died?

After all, I had very few friends. Well, really, no real friends. But many acquaintances, of which most were phony, using me for my wealth and connections. Most were jealous and many downright pissed at the way I treated them as they worked for me. I knew the workers all thought I was a cheapskate.

But here I was bleeding heavily, unable to move, unable to see anything in my overturned Escalade. Unable to see or care if the other driver was alive. A dying man like myself may have little regard for others. Breathing was very difficult as the level of pain came rushing in and it all slowly went silent and black.

The blackness remained, but the pain and trouble breathing subsided. Was I dead? Was I just blacked out? Was I in a state of limbo, or even in a deep-seated coma? The state of blackness continued for what seemed like hours but was merely minutes. But now I was hearing music. How odd, I thought. Why music? As I concentrated on the music, which was low in volume, I realized that it was classical music. This was strange, because I never liked classical music and didn’t know the tune playing in my head.

Suddenly, the music stopped and there was total silence. This went on for minutes. I gauged for any level of pain; still there was none. The total silence continued. So where was I? I was sure at this point that I was dead. I couldn’t feel anything, no heartbeat, no breathing in my lungs, no sensation in my arms, legs, eyes. Just total deadness and silence. I waited a bit longer. It was quite pleasant that nothing hurt in my body. There was no pain in my normally cracking neck that always caused me discomfort. There was no pain in my lower back that always ached from my L-4 and L-5 bulging disk disease that was always sending annoying signals of pain to my brain almost every few minutes.

It had to be death. There was no other explanation. So this is what happens to everyone after they pass away? It wasn’t all that bad. No pain, no fighting with anyone, and no one telling you what you can or can’t do. So we have an eternity of isolation after we die? It is a little depressing to have no one to speak with for an eternity.

My imagination was working in overdrive as a million images crashed around my thinking all at once. If this is eternity, do we eat anything? Do we breathe? Do we get to go to stores? And do we dress every day? Or are we like the whiteness of a cloud and the weight of air? Are we mere thoughts that travel the universe at will, able to travel thousands of miles an hour like the speed of light? Maybe we are nothing more than light.

I stopped thinking for a few seconds. There was a slight humming sound. I couldn’t see anything but blackness. I couldn’t feel any part of my body, because it was nonexistent. But where did my body go? Is this all there is to life after death?

I screamed out in thought as I had no vocal cords or body parts. I thought, Is there anyone here? Anyone who can help me? Where am I? Anyone?

I waited patiently, quietly, effortlessly. Waiting for me felt like I was floating in air. There was no such thing as gravity. No planets, no earth, no light, and no stars in the darkness.

The humming started to get louder as I waited for some light, or any indication of some kind of location. This sure didn’t feel like heaven. I didn’t think it felt like hell, no heat or fire. In fact, I was neither hot nor cold. I was nothing, no sense of feeling at all. Just a humming. Again I pleaded, Is there anyone here who can assist me?

I thought about my life on earth. I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty-eight. The average age of death is seventy-eight. Don’t let me die like this. If this was the end of my life as I knew it to be, I thought about what I deserved as an afterlife. I had much wealth and possessions on earth, but here I had nothing.

On earth I was important. I owned my own business and employed seventy people. I was a powerful man. But here I was nothing. I was powerless; I was begging for anyone or anything to help me. I was no different than a desperate puppy dog. How quickly life changes. In a blink of an eye you are knocked off your pedestal and groveling, lower than low.

Suddenly, the humming sound stopped. Slowly, the blackness lightened up and I saw white light. Then, before I knew it, I saw blinding light. The bright white light was the most intense I had ever seen. There was total silence as I waited patiently, which was never a trait of mine. I was always impatient for everything. Always wanting to be in control. But not now. Not wherever this place and time was. I was for the first time in my life terrified at the place, the outcome, the likelihood of hell. I knew that my life on earth was a dismal disappointment for anyone who would be rating it. But God? Rating my life? I was more than terrified. For the first time ever.

This was a new world. The afterworld. Somewhere where I was clearly out of my league. It is amazing, but most people don’t expect to die until they are old and decrepit. A time when their body is all broken down and their mind is basically shot. No one expects to go early. That is why many people feel that they have so many years to rectify a life badly played out.

I have no idea when or how I was going to rectify all the screwups I made in my life. How do you fix a life of greed? A life of deceit? A life of power at the cost of stepping all over other people just to climb that much higher in success and wealth?

Power is very dangerous, really. It makes one believe they can do anything, and at any time. That they run the world and can turn it upside down at will. Well, my world got turned upside down due to my own power, and the belief that I can overindulge in alcohol, as usual, and not have to pay a price. I now have to answer to a power higher than anything I have ever known before.

The silence was deafening as the blinding light reminded me that this was not earth but some place quite extraordinary. I waited just a little more before trying to speak, not out of politeness but an intense fear. Just as I was ready to plead for some kind of assistance, I heard a sound.

I focused deeper to hear it. The voice got louder as I heard it say, Ryan Simmons, you have reached your ultimate destination, where you will remain for eternity.

Excuse me, please. Where am I? Is this heaven?

Mr. Simmons, you will remain in this new world where you can think and reminisce in full detail about the life you chose to live for the past fifty-eight years.

This is not heaven, it is not hell, so where exactly is this, please?

This is a permanent location for when someone such as yourself does not qualify for heaven. You will remain for eternity to think deeply about your past life.

But, excuse me—can I ever qualify for heaven?

No, that opportunity has expired with the loss of your life. You see, the real torture is not from anything we offer you, but in your self-imposed grieving of not being able to rise above and spend your eternity with God.

But I’m only fifty-eight. I didn’t get a fair share at living my life. I can change; just give me another chance.

I am not authorized to do that, nor can I determine your life. You have chosen your new eternity.

But, please, I want to qualify for heaven. I wasn’t supposed to die yet. Allow me to go on back and do different. Please, don’t make me beg! I pleaded.

Ryan, you must understand, everyone passes through our time frame and port space. Many do not qualify for passage to heaven, as you know it to be. Many do qualify, on the other hand. But there are absolutely no requalifications or redos in our world. You must accept your fate. Age fifty-eight is an early age to pass onto time and space realm. But everyone in your land knows the rules. They have grown up knowing right from wrong. You each know what it takes to pass onto the Promised Land. The real trouble is most feel they can wait till they are older, closer to the end game of their life, to make the drastic changes in life. And though some actually do turn their lives around and qualify for our paradise, many do not. I am sorry for you.

But I know I can change. I also know that I can set an example for others. I will do anything. Please let me go back and prove myself! I will give up all my wealth and sacrifice anything else!

I see. You say you will do anything, sacrifice anything, even your human body.

Yes, and my fortune, too.

Ryan, you have no fortune. You are no longer human. You are a soul now.

I promise I will do anything for a second chance. Make me a guinea pig, an experiment.

"Ryan, I have no authorization to make any of those changes. I am just a conduit for those who pass on from earth and must be placed in the appropriate place based on their qualification. But I will, Ryan, pass on your generous and unique offer to sacrifice all your earthly possessions and offer to sacrifice your human body and emotions in addition.

Please excuse me for a few moments. You may experience a temporary sense of discomfort for a while. Are you all right with this?

Oh yes, sir. Anything you say. Don’t worry, I will wait here.

Ryan, you don’t have the ability to go anywhere other than the exact position you now occupy. Please remain quiet.

Yes.

The light that was blinding me started to dim and slowly grew pitch-black. The silence, which was sometimes deafening, was replaced with a high-pitched sound that was probably the loudest high-pitched tone I had ever heard. I waited patiently, not making a sound in the blackest black space I had ever experienced.

I was scared, which for me was very rare. The minutes felt like hours as the loud pitch reminded me that even seconds can take some time. I wondered where exactly I had gone to anyway. Was it outside of heaven? Was it on a far and distant star? When we look into the sky at night, especially on a pitch-black night, there are thousands if not millions of stars. The harder we look, we always seem to uncover another star. They are like sparkles on a floor.

I found it very interesting that, hard as I observed, in my new location, I saw nothing against the blackness. Could I actually be billions of miles away from my home on earth? Is this what happens when we pass on, we are instantly transported as souls separated from our human bodies, to a very distant star, which could be heaven or some other placement center?

And I wondered that we may have to remain isolated, if not qualified for heaven, on another plain, somewhere far away. We may not see another soul at all. That could be some of the self-imposed suffering we go through by not qualifying for heaven. Or then again, maybe we communicate merely by our thoughts with anyone we can think of, such as family, friends, or enemies. Maybe we get authorization to be able to communicate, but only after we are officially placed in our new hereafter by someone such as the soul I was just communicating with?

I had millions of questions, thoughts, and fears rapidly bombarding my thought process, as I didn’t know if I had a brain. I didn’t know if had a body; at least I never observed one. I was never prepared for death, for passing into the hereafter of eternity, into this place. But then again, who is ever prepared? Who can even contemplate the journey in the hereafter? It was so overwhelming that I was already sorry for every bad, greedy, nasty thing I ever did while I was alive for my fifty-eight years. And, yes, they say that life on earth is short. I can guarantee that fifty-eight years went by in a snap. I can remember being five years old and going with my mother to the playground. What innocent days they were. No worries, no stress or pressures, and no sins that would be piling up against my soul, only to be used against me in this blackness of eternity.

The highest pitch had slowly lowered and the blackest darkness lightened up ever so slowly. Was this the answer I waited for? Was this my final fate? Would I be banished from all communications with past loved ones and friends? Or would there be some other place I would be transferred to? I was as frightened as I had ever been in my life on earth. I waited for what seemed like an eternity. How ironic, I thought, as this was eternity.

As the bright light appeared again, I heard soft music. Maybe it was violin music, soft, calming, unknown to me, almost heavenly. Hello, sir? I said as politely as I could. I waited for what seemed like twenty seconds.

Suddenly, I heard the man’s voice. Thank you, Ryan, for your patience and calmness while I consulted with my superiors. We don’t always know why or understand why things are done, as you can attest from your time on earth. That being said, your wish to requalify for heaven has somehow been granted.

Oh, sir, thank you so much.

Ryan, don’t thank me. I am only the messenger of the higher-ups. If it were up to me, you would stay here and not get another chance at qualification for heaven. You see, heaven is so special that less than forty percent ever qualify for entrance. I am not at liberty to judge you, as we do not judge in our position. But you will be able to get another chance.

Does this mean that I will be born again as an infant?

Your second chance will be for you to continue where you left off in life. But from the moment you are returned to the moment you are called back to the hereafter, you will be judged at that moment for the changes you make, if any. This is no easy task, keeping in mind the way you have led your life for the first fifty-eight years, Ryan.

Sir, how long will I be given?

We are not at liberty to say when you will pass into the hereafter from your new life. It could be minutes or many, many years. I can tell you that every second will count. No slip-up will help your cause, and you will be monitored from within.

You mean that I will keep track of myself?

I’m afraid not. You see, for this very special exception, you will be accompanied by someone who will guide you.

Oh, I see, someone will be by my side in my home to help me?

Not exactly right. There will be an angel, but you will not see him.

Where will he be? In another location?

He will reside inside of you at all times, Ryan.

What? How? It can’t be.

"Yes, he will be inside your mind, and activated the moment you are back on earth. He is an angel equipped to monitor your activity and protect you for as long as it is intended that you remain alive in your own world. His name is Theodore. He will not judge you, nor protect you from making any mistakes. He will only