Conquering Your State of Anxiety: How to Battle OCD and Reclaim Your Life

PRAISE FOR

CONQUERING YOUR STATE OF ANXIETY

"Ms. Pagacz, over a period of years, has poured heart, soul, and sinew, into this book, and the result is remarkable. She describes the torment of OCD from the inside. Fellow sufferers will feel understood; families and friends will gain unique insight into what their loved one

is experiencing.

Her compelling narrative abounds with powerful metaphors. Employing a creative scrapbook format, and using photos, Illustrations, and original poems, Ms. Pagacz enhances the text with a power only art can convey.

Beyond the descriptive narrative, however, is a compendium of useful information about the disorder and how to best manage it. Drawing on what worked for her, and based on researching expert advice, chapters contains a summary of useful tips and key points to remember. The result is educational and inspirational.

This memoir of her recovery is a highly valuable, unique gift to the OCD community."

—Dan Kalb, PhD

Psychologist, OCD specialist

This compelling narrative is one woman’s story of her battle with obsessive compulsive disorder. Pagacz’s harrowing account demonstrates how OCD can scar and misshape a life and provides for readers effective tools for healing and growth.

—Jeff Bell, author of

Rewind Replay Repeat: A Memoir of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Copyright © 2016, 2022 by Kirsten Pagacz.

Published by Conari Press, a division of Mango Publishing Group, Inc.

Cover Design: Megan Werner

Layout & Design: Joseph Allen Black

Interior Images: © Kirsten Pagacz unless otherwise noted

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Conquering Your State of Anxiety: How to Battle OCD and Reclaim Your Life

LCCN: 2021951244

ISBN: (print) 978-1-64250-918-2, (ebook) 978-1-64250-919-9

BISAC category code SEL041030, SELF-HELP / Compulsive Behavior / Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Printed in the United States of America

I dedicate this book to individuals who suffer with OCD and their friends and family. I wrote this book for you. Your freedom is important to me.

To my best friend, Doug, and my loving mother, Sandra. We’ve shared decades together, filled with ups and downs. Thank you for your never- ending supply of love and believing in me when I struggled to believe in myself. You are forever in the biggest part of my heart.

This book is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or act as a substitute for advice from a doctor or psychiatrist. Except for my husband, mother, Dr. Kalb, Pam, Victoria, Oana and my dog Rocket, and cat Angela, all names and identifying details have been changed.

CONTENTS

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1    A Budding Relationship

Chapter 2     OCD Like a Brush Fire

Chapter 3     Storm of a Chaotic Mind

Chapter 4    Building Toward a Crescendo

Chapter 5     Getting to Know You

Chapter 6    Dancing Shoes

Chapter 7    Finding Nutrients

Chapter 8    My Life with Chimpsay

Chapter 9    Habits of Happiness

Acknowledgments

Additional Resources

About the Author

Foreword

I first interviewed Kirsten for my podcast several years ago, after coming across the first edition of this book. Her story has been heard thousands of times on the podcast since then. Kirsten was immediately warm, lovely, and caring. These qualities have not waned over the years I’ve been in contact with her. Often sending kind notes or copies of her book, she truly is a radiator. A radiator being a person who warms people up. That comes across in this book, as she describes working through trauma, familial issues, and, of course, Sergeant—the name she gives her OCD.

Kirsten does a wonderful job of demonstrating the depths of OCD and the wider variety of worries that can manifest from it. This gives evidence that the themes of OCD, although scary, are not relevant. They can chop and change, quicker than the weather. But what remains underneath the themes are the processes of OCD. We all (people who experience OCD) have a Sergeant, and that Sergeant is just changing its mask (theme) to try to scare us. It’s important to note that it’s not sending us this scary information to be mean, but our brains are trying to notify us of potential danger or risk to keep us safe. It’s our brains working a little too well. It doesn’t always feel like that, and in my own history with OCD, it often felt like a bully. A key was changing my view of my own OCD, from a malevolent entity that felt separate to me to seeing it as a scared part of my brain that needed compassion and care so that, over time, it too could calm down and realise that what it fears is not evidence of some actual, real world danger.

As a child and adolescent counsellor and psychotherapist, I appreciate Kirsten’s honesty and vulnerability in opening up about her OCD and family life. For many there may be no link; however for Kirsten she feels that the early trauma and instability in her upbringing affected her OCD, or at least did not help it. Trauma can often be left out of the conversation when discussing OCD, when for many it may be an important factor that also needs working with and healing in the therapy room. Kirsten’s story doesn’t just detail OCD but also substance use and an eating disorder. This highlights the many ways we try to cope with difficult feelings and experiences; for some of us, OCD indirectly becomes one of those ways. Of course the brain does not neatly characterise disorders, only humans do. The brain does what it can to help us, sometimes leading us into obsessive thinking and compulsive rituals. Its attempts at protection end up becoming the things that make us suffer even more.

Kirsten’s book is an honest memoir of her experience of OCD through the years. She details the grip her OCD had on her and the depths it went to. Her truthful account of how vast and varied OCD can be while entangling someone’s life is both informative and scary. Kirsten’s story is not a tale that ends there, as she shares what helped her and the process she went through to tame Sergeant and understand OCD better. Offering hope, insight, and at times laughter through her honest and comical writing. Kirsten has been a light in my life; I hope her writing has the same effect on you.

Overall, this book says to me that where you are currently is no indication of where you’re going to be. So have faith, work smart, and, where possible, bring in compassion for yourself—because you deserve it.

Stuart Ralph, psychotherapist

and host of The OCD Stories podcast

Preface

I wrote this book to help people go from illness to wellness and learn how to fill themselves with joy instead of despair. Since this book was first published in 2016 (originally under the title Leaving the OCD Circus), I have heard from hundreds of readers all over the world who have shared with me the ways that the book has both helped and touched them in profound ways. It allowed them to get on with their big happy life much faster than I got on with mine. This book is my wellness soldier that I put out into the world, and I’m excited to know that it has been doing its job—with this new edition, it will continue to do that.

Of course writing this book was a very personal journey for me. I suffered from undiagnosed OCD for decades and had no idea what was going on with me. Everything was a struggle and felt so damn draining. Happiness seemed like an idea that was just for other people. I used to cower under the pressure of my overwhelming anxiety, feeling so small and helpless against the enormity of its power. I can honestly say that in the throes of my illness, I was only able to access 10 percent of what I refer to as my brain juice; the other 90 percent was all tied up in the complications of tending to the needs of the blaring voice of my OCD monster. I tried to comply with all of the demands that the illness placed on me, all the while internally quivering with fear and amped up anxiety. But I believed that the other 90 percent of my brain juice was available to me if I could find a way to wriggle out of the clutches of my illness. I imagined that I had a healthy and well-balanced life somewhere, but I just didn’t know how to access it.

The phrase name it to tame it is so true. Once I learned there was a name for my illness (OCD), the path to health, well-being, and peace began. I embarked on a campaign of in-depth research on the topic to find my way into the source, get myself realigned and, as importantly, stay realigned so I could live my reimagined life. I read books on OCD and anxiety, spent years with doctors, and never stopped learning about what I was dealing with: the OCD and anxiety monster that stood before me, over me, under me, and around me, taking up too much space in my head. I was determined to not spend my years on this planet being robbed of my time, my mental health, and my joy anymore. I was fired up to transform—and I was fired up to help others find their own path to transformational happiness as well. That led to this book.

My intent is to meet the reader where they are on their journey and allow them to pick up from there. In clear, understandable language, I share the successes and the pain of this journey. I am not afraid to look ugly or share the underbelly of my illness—it is through sharing my story, artwork, and poetry that I leave bread crumbs for you to also find your way out of your darkness and shame and, most importantly, let you know that you are not alone.

To make my words and ideas more relatable, I have added Key Points to Remember, which boil everything down into nuggets of information that speak to each reader’s own experience. I share my tips and tricks for managing OCD, anxiety, and the toxic relationship between the two.

Whatever obstacle is currently in your way—whether it is OCD, an eating disorder, addiction, or unbridled anxiety of any kind—the tools and insights in these pages can help you reclaim the driver’s seat of your life, instead of just feeling dragged along, like I did for so many years. Sure, this book is part memoir. But more than anything, it offers clear guidance to help get you where you want to go, so you can craft your own way out and reach the next level of your own existence.

I think I can sum things up with one essential bit of advice: dream big. You are worth it, and I do my best to lend a helping hand and remind you of that on each page. We are not going for perfection here; that word belongs to unrelenting OCD and anxiety. What we are going for is finding the key to unlocking whatever prison you may be in. I carved my own key, and I will show you how to carve yours, too. I have crafted my own plan to get to a better state, and today, I am doing the best I have ever done. I believe that life should be more than suffering. We should all have access to our brain juice and, most importantly, experience peace—peace of mind, peace of soul, and peace of the heart.

Finally, let me close this preface with gratitude. Thank you for all those who helped me on my journey, and thank you for your trust in allowing me to help you on yours.

And remember: DREAM BIG!

INTRODUCTION

When I was nine, I started developing obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). And I lived in its grip for over twenty years. People without OCD often ask me what it feels like. Imagine you have to build a house of cards. Your OCD is the blowing fan right next to it. You can’t stop yourself from building the house of cards because your brain has a hiccup, and the fan will never shut off. And, oh yeah, there is someone holding a gun to your head demanding that you perform perfectly.

Frustrating doesn’t come close to describing it, but complete madness does.

I have learned how to stop building the house of cards, doing what my OCD tells me to do, and, most importantly, I have shut off the fan.

In this book I tell the story of how I learned to take down my obsessive-compulsive disorder. I will show you how to do the same thing. Yes, you heard that right. YOU are BIGGER than YOUR OCD, and of this I am sure. What’s different about this book than others you may have read is that it’s written not by a doctor or therapist or expert, but from the perspective of someone who has lived through the disorder—from the street level. I’ve read a lot of books, met with a lot of doctors, and fought a lot of OCD battles, and this book gives me the opportunity to share with you what I’ve learned about what OCD is and how to work with it until you are back in charge of your life. I know it might sound cliché, but if I can do it, so can you.

OCD comes in many different forms; it all depends on the person. Some people are afraid and crippled by the thought of contaminants and are cleaners, others are driven to madness with the overwhelming need to be perfect, also known as Just Right OCD. There are compulsive checkers, hoarders, and repeaters, also orderers, those who require that the things around them be arranged in a particular and rigid way; there are thinking ritualizers; and the list goes on from there. However, we are all human, and we are all so much more than these labels! Maybe we don’t fear the same things, maybe the form of your OCD is different from mine (I experienced most of the things on that list), but we all want the same peace, don’t we? That’s why we do such crazy things! We’re chasing that elusive mental stillness. My intention is to give you a book that is protein packed for the mind and the soul.

I constructed this book—text and pictures—to help you out of your own constriction.

I have been collecting imagery, especially vintage art and ephemera, nearly all my life. Pictures and words that really spoke to me at a core level. Some seemed to capture exactly what I was feeling. Some reminded me of pain, some of hope or freedom. I have a feeling these images and words will hit you like that, too, and I’ve sprinkled them like bread crumbs throughout the book to help guide you out of your dark forest or show you a different path. I want you to feel seen and heard. I hope these pictures help you feel my presence in your life. I hear you. I get you.

Sufferers will relate; the people who love us will learn. If you are an OCD hostage like I once was, or if you wish to understand and help someone who suffers from OCD, this book is for you. It’s about claiming your freedom and getting your life back. If you feel alone and isolated, or know and love someone who does, this book will become a good friend and a valuable resource. We are all at different places on the OCD and wellness spectrum, and I wrote this book with the intention to meet you right where you are, wherever you are.

Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.

—Vincent van Gogh

♦ 1 ♦

A Budding Relationship

The New Stranger and the Invitation

1975: Nine Years Old (OCD Arrives)

It was a Sunday night. I had just spent another weekend at my dad’s, and he was dropping me off at my mom’s red brick townhouse in Oak Park, Illinois, like he did on every other Sunday night. He had partial custody of me, so I stayed with him every other weekend, and he would come visit me once a week. Usually, we’d go to a movie or to the park to play Frisbee or something, and then we’d grab a bite to eat somewhere in Oak Park. My mom’s philosophy had always been that it was better to have a father than not to have a fath er at all.

This townhouse was where I lived with my mom and two older brothers, Kent and Brian, from a different dad. Dad got my suitcase out of the trunk, and Mom came out to greet us. We were standing beside my dad’s blue Chevy Nova. I was tired from a long weekend at his place. I was eager for them to finish talking so I could go inside.

Then I heard something like this. It came in a voice that I had never heard before. Want to play a fun game? this Stranger said softly, sort of in my head but kind of from above looking down at me at the same time.

I didn’t answer him out loud, knowing instinctively that our communication was not for anyone else to hear. I answered him back silently: What’s the game?

The game is Tapping, and if you play it perfectly, you get the prize. It’s simple, but it takes a lot of skill.

This piqued my interest, of course. I liked prizes. What nine-year-old doesn’t?

How do I play?

You tap your index finger precisely on the very same spot of the car hood with the same amount of pressure, over and over, exactly twenty-seven times with absolutely no error in your action.

Hmm, I thought, I can do this. I’m certain of it. I knew the prize would be mighty. I just knew it. I believed that my reward would be feeling good inside, that I would feel calm and secure, and everything would be right again. That’s what I wanted more than anything, especially after a long weekend at my dad’s house. Okay, I said to the clever Stranger.

I felt so special. He’d designed this private game just for me and for no one else to see. So, as my parents continued to talk, I started my first Tapping game, the first instance of OCD behavior I remember.

I thought over the challenge one more time before I began. I would have to use the very tip of my right index finger and tap out to this certain designated number. Twenty-seven taps on the trunk of the car. My reward would come after I had done it perfectly, after I had dedicated myself to the game.

I found it exciting that the Tapping rules were so exacting, and I did not want to fail. I stared down at my index finger and started tapping. I got to nine perfectly, but on ten too much of the fatty tip of my index finger touched the car and with a bit too much pressure. Immediately the Stranger spoke. I would have to start over.

I looked over at my mom and dad to see if they were watching. They were not. I knew that if I really concentrated, without any distractions or interruptions, I could do it; I just had to apply myself better.

The Stranger watched over my shoulder to make sure I was doing it right. This game was harder than I thought. I had to start and stop at least a dozen times. I craved the moment when the Stranger would say, At ease, soldier.

Turns out my timing wasn’t too bad. Just as I successfully finished the game, my parents were wrapping up their talk. I’d won. It felt so good. I felt some sort of rewarding self-satisfaction.

Of course, I didn’t know I’d be playing the Tapping game with the Stranger again.

Bye, Dad. Love you. I grabbed my suitcase and ran to the front door of our house. Just like a normal nine-year-old. I held the screen door open for my mom.

Of course, this wasn’t the only time I would hear from this Stranger. He magically seemed to know that I often felt uncomfortable and unsettled, and he knew just how to fix it: more games.

Longfellow Park 1974:

Eight Years Old (Pre-OCD)

One summer day before I met OCD (which I would not know by name for another twenty years), I was at the playground by myself. I now think of that day as a kind of soul fossil. I can practically still smell and taste it. I remember how I smelled like a mixture of fresh green grass, dirt, and metal chain from the swings at the park, the top of my head baked by the sun and my hair hot and shiny. I remember the feeling of an untucked shirt, my belly round, and my knees dirty.

As a little girl I had a thirst for life you wouldn’t believe. I loved how the bees would buzz around in their yellow-and-black-striped fuzzy outfits, as if they were enjoying a celebration together. I even found the flies magnificent. Their backs were colored with flowing metallic violets, blues, and greens. The colors would catch the sunlight, and I would stare at them and wonder how God made such color and put it onto their backs.

I remember hanging on to the jungle gym, which was in the shape