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    Lifejackets: A Mother's Journey Through Her Child's Addiction
    Lifejackets: A Mother's Journey Through Her Child's Addiction
    Lifejackets: A Mother's Journey Through Her Child's Addiction
    Ebook142 pages1 hour

    Lifejackets: A Mother's Journey Through Her Child's Addiction

    By Melanie Schwarz

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    About this ebook

    On a fateful day in the fall of 2008, Melanie Schwarz realized she had failed miserably as a mother. Her denial of her daughter’s recent actions and changes had brought her to a place where rejecting reality was no longer an option. As she finally accepted Morgan’s addiction, she knew that her every action and reaction from that point on would either positively or negatively mold their lives.

    In a raw and sometimes emotional retelling of her journey through her daughter’s addiction, Melanie shares what she learned about the disease, about herself, how an addicted person adapts to the disease, and about the power of recovery as she unconditionally loved Morgan while helping her navigate her struggles. Melanie identifies the different phases of addiction; explores denial, enabling, and tough love; addresses suicidal tendencies that can surround addiction; and details recovery and the long-term challenges that accompany loving an addict as well as the pitfalls associated with relapse.

    Life Jackets shares a mother’s story that helps lift the cloak of shame that addiction carries, and reminds those either struggling with this disease or their caregivers that they are never alone.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBalboa Press
    Release dateOct 16, 2022
    ISBN9798765235249
    Lifejackets: A Mother's Journey Through Her Child's Addiction
    Author

    Melanie Schwarz

    Melanie Schwarz is an advocate for families in the midst of a loved one’s addiction. Because she has lived through this experience, she is very familiar with the journey to help someone in active addiction and recovery. Today, her life is complete with acceptance, love, and her passion for supporting others on the same important, life-changing journey.

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      Book preview

      Lifejackets - Melanie Schwarz

      CONTENTS

      Dedication

      Introduction

      Chapter 1     I Knew Before I Knew

      Chapter 2     Triggers

      Chapter 3     Compartments Created

      Chapter 4     Drowning 101

      Chapter 5     Rehab: The Golden Life Jacket

      Chapter 6     Coming Home: The Smoke And Mirrors Of Twenty-Eight Days

      Chapter 7     Well, That Didn’t Work

      Chapter 8     The Year Of The Dark Abyss

      Chapter 9     New Year, New Life Jackets

      Chapter 10   Tough Love And New Lessons

      Chapter 11   Drug Court For Her, Life Court For Me

      Chapter 12   A Strange Lesson In Balance

      Chapter 13   Wow, I Didn’t See That Coming!

      Chapter 14   The Unexpected Journey

      Chapter 15   The Journey Continues

      DEDICATION

      This book is dedicated to my beautiful daughters, Morgan & Jenna. These two women taught me how to love unconditionally and appreciate all of life’s moments.

      INTRODUCTION

      The American Society of Addiction Medicine describes addiction as "a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry. Classification as a primary disease" means addiction is not the result of some other situation, problem, or health issue.

      That statement alone asserts that addiction is not caused by a parenting error, a bad marriage or a difficult childhood, or even another mental health condition. Most research shows that addicted people’s number-one risk factor is genetics. This is no different than an elevated risk for a heart attack or suffering from cancer.

      Addiction is not a parenting error.

      Addiction is a chronic disease that cannot be cured but can be managed, just like other chronic diseases such as multiple sclerosis, cancer, arthritis, and more. Yet how many lists of chronic diseases have addiction on them, and how many other chronic diseases share the stigma of addiction? To go one step further, what other chronic disease is often linked to criminal activity?

      Is it a choice? Sometimes choices exacerbate the disease. But that is true in every chronic disease. Managing the disease is key, and yes, it will ebb and flow between active, relapse, and remission. As is the goal of every disease, extending remission for as long as possible is the key. Fortunately, with addiction, not using is the key to remission. Unfortunately, the process of not using the substances causing the addiction is an everyday challenge.

      I know and understand firsthand that addiction is different, and I know that how the family and support people around the addicted person act and respond can directly affect the outcome. My story is a journey of ten years and counting. But the truth is that my journey started in my childhood, with many in my family experiencing addiction while I watched from many different vantage points and took subconscious notes on how to react, support, and add to the problem. Most of my observations were of others ignoring the addiction, believing it was just a phase or just the way they are. We never openly discussed the uncomfortable family dinners or the angst that came anytime we knew we would have to engage with those who were suffering. Sometimes, we just wrote them off with humor, and at their worst, we covered up their actions with secrets and shame.

      This story is about my child’s chronic illness of addiction and my responses and reactions, which have no medical designation—they were just trial and error to try and find the best remedy for all concerned. There is no guidebook for how to support an addicted person. Our journeys all look very similar, yet we don’t talk about them because we too are being stigmatized for loving or raising an addicted person. My goal is to tell my story that spans ten-plus years of my daughter’s addiction in the hope that, as you read this, you will understand the journey of the family, caregiver, parent, friend, or colleague and that by sharing this, we can join together to offer support and understanding as each of us navigate this journey.

      I chose the title Life Jackets because that is exactly how I see myself—as the lifeguard, protector, and responsible party for this precious life that is in freefall and drowning due to addiction. I can see my child drowning, and I am not going to let that happen. The person who offers a life jacket is the responsible one, right? That is the person who cares enough to keep someone safe from real and perceived danger. Many times, the person insisting on a life jacket is portrayed as overprotective, a fun killer, and a rule follower. And many times, the person who needs a life jacket doesn’t want one and rejects this simple life-saving device as an annoyance and interference with their freedom.

      The journey through an addiction of someone you love very much will be about learning—learning about the disease, learning about yourself, learning about how an addicted person adapts to the disease, and finally learning about the power of recovery. I also learned about the numbers of people just like me, impacted by addiction, and how they react, grieve, and struggle but ultimately find acceptance and love and how to create a beautiful life with someone in all stages of addiction, including recovery.

      I know that many family stories do not have happy endings. Some end in continued addiction, and most end tragically in death. I share the fear of the unknown every day as you walk this path. I hope sharing my story will help you give grace to yourself and your choices because none of them are wrong. I did not always do the right thing, but I never gave up.

      From the day I finally accepted the addiction of my daughter Morgan, I knew that my every action and reaction would both positively and negatively mold every part of our lives. Today my life is complete with acceptance, love (truly unconditional), support, and now advocacy to help others through this important and life-changing journey.

      Having an addicted child is okay.

      Denying it is not.

      CHAPTER 1

      I Knew Before I Knew

      O n this fateful day in the fall of 2008, I realized I had failed miserably as a mother. My denial of Morgan’s recent actions and changes had brought me to this day, when denial was no longer an option.

      We had prayed she would outgrow this, that it was just a phase, that it was just a bad group of friends. I went for a while without saying it aloud to anyone, praying that the signs were just a coincidence or acting out. I blamed my life choices for hers. I doubted my parenting. What if I had not divorced her father? What if I had been more involved with her school? What if I had not remarried? What if I had not spent so much time with our other child? I was sure this was the result of a parenting error on my part, which convinced me I had to fix it.

      The first time that a parent, spouse, partner, or friend is faced with the actual addiction is the first time they realize their lives are changed forever. This night was that for me. I was a novice, and I thought my role was that of the fixer: put all her life’s pieces back together, dust her off, and cover her transgressions with my resources, all so she could try again. I prayed that a night like this would scare her into not continuing down this path. I knew nothing of what was about to unfold over the next ten years.

      That night was different. My phone rang, showing an unknown number. I answered, and a person who was very out of it on the other end said Morgan had been involved in an accident by Wendy’s and the Holiday gas station and that I needed to get there immediately. Then silence. I looked at my husband, and in an oddly calm voice I said, We have to go. Morgan’s been in an accident. Neither of us spoke in the car. As we came upon the accident, we saw emergency vehicles everywhere—multiple police, a fire engine, and an ambulance. The anxiety washed over me, but I immediately turned into an investigator. This was my first time trying to piece together what had happened, but it would not be the last. Again, there were no words between my husband and me. You see, we knew what had happened, and now we were about to find out the consequences and damage. Silently I prayed she was not dead, then I saw the other car in the ditch. It had clearly been T-boned. A young man was standing outside of it with a person who looked to be his father. He seemed uninjured—thank God. As we approached, they drove off. That meant the ambulance was for us. That feeling drove deep into my stomach. I prepared for the worst. We drove past the ambulance and stopped next to the police car. What dawned on me at that moment was that our daughter’s car was not there.

      What the hell is going on? I thought. Has someone pranked me? Is it her in the ambulance? Who called us? Rapid-fire questions were running through my head. I learned this would be a common feeling, always questioning, Why? How?

      We drove over by the police officer standing on the side street. If Morgan had been in this accident, surely her car would be here. I took a deep breath as the tears started to flow and approached the police officer. Suddenly, I heard her voice. She was

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