All You Knead Is Love

One

I wore my last remaining girlie shirt to the airport. It was pastel purple with a tiny frill at the sleeve and collar, and two heart-shaped silver buttons. It was exactly the kind of shirt Mom used to buy me. And the kind of shirt I swore I would never wear. Not anymore. Especially since it was already two sizes too small, but it didn’t matter. I stood as straight as I could, angling my shoulders and neck the same way a ballet dancer would. I knew how because my parents had season tickets to the New York City Ballet at Lincoln Center.

The shirt. The stance. The touch of Vaseline I’d dabbed on my lips. It was my last-ditch effort to stay in New York City, where I belonged. Maybe Mom would take one look at me and change her mind.

Qatar Airways flight 5179 to Barcelona will begin boarding first class, business class, and families with young children at gate C7 in ten minutes, a woman’s voice announced.

Okay. This is it.

I fluttered my eyelashes.

Mom smoothed her silk Hermès scarf with her delicate fingers. She glanced at me. But it was like she wasn’t really seeing me. Like she was skimming the newspaper with her tortoiseshell eyes.

Well… Mom stepped closer, into the light. Her skin was flawless, her lips a matte burgundy, her eyebrows perfectly arched. I hope you take this time to reflect, Alba. To make some changes … I think Spain will be good for you.

I exhaled. My ballet posture deflated. Okay, I mumbled.

Suddenly there was a mass of people crowding around us, bumping me with their carry-on bags as they lined up. A lady in a uniform the same shade as Mom’s lipstick approached us. She had this ridiculous hat tilted on her head with a small gold pin of a deer or impala or whatever.

Hello, Mrs. Green. I’m Sofia, and I’ll be taking care of Alba on the flight. The lady smiled and bowed her head, and then she placed one of those sticky-label thingies on the side of my chest. I glanced at it and read it from upside down.

Alba Green

QR 5179

Unaccompanied Minor

The label made me feel like a dumb kid.

Thank you, Sofia. May I have a moment with my daughter? said Mom.

Of course. The flight attendant stayed put. She half turned, focusing her gaze on the glass window with the big white airplane on the other side.

I stared at my black Converse and wondered what would happen if I dropped my backpack and ran. How far would I get before someone caught me?

Alba.

I looked up.

"Please. Try not to hate me. This will be good for you. You’ll see," said Mom, placing her hand on my cheek.

I stood there, speechless. No matter how Mom framed it, the bottom line was, I was being cast out. Banished. Mom had finally made good on her threats.

We should go, said the flight attendant over her shoulder.

I stepped away, but Mom pulled me back. Wait. She had tears in her eyes. Tears that dribbled down her cheeks, leaving grayish mascara tracks on her pale skin.

I was shocked.

I had never seen her cry.

Crying is undignified. Those were her words. Not mine.

Mahal kita, she said, so softly I could barely hear her. I love you, in Tagalog. She only ever spoke it when Dad was around.

Out of habit, I scanned the terminal. But he was nowhere in sight.

Maybe she was just being sentimental.

Whatever.

I moved backward, slowly. I watched her wipe her face with the tips of her fingers. The tears were gone and so was her makeup. Under her right eye, the skin was a yellowish green—the color of a nearly faded bruise.

Bye, Mom.

I turned my back on her, like she’d turned her back on me.

I walked off and followed the clicking of the flight attendant’s high heels.

Click-clack. Click-clack.

She gave my ticket and passport to another lady with the same uniform on. And then we turned into a corridor. The flight attendant started talking. Blah. Blah. Blah. "I like your short hair. It’s so cute. Perfect for summer in Spain."

I nodded and kept on walking with heavy feet.

For once, I just wanted to stay home with Mom. Even if it meant being around Dad. Not that Dad was around much. When he was, it seemed like he could barely stand being in the same room as me.

He didn’t want me.

And of course Mom did whatever he wanted.

So I guess she didn’t want me, either.

I paused at the crack between the walkway and the entrance to the plane. My breath halted for a second and then heaved, as if there was only a bit of oxygen left on earth.

Alba? The flight attendant touched my arm.

I flinched.

This was it. My last chance to run.

My heart pounded against my chest, creeping up my throat until it felt like I was choking. I coughed, then swallowed. But the lump of fear, of anger, of sadness, of regret, stayed put.

They really didn’t want me.

I was alone.

I stepped over the threshold.

Because what did I have left to lose?

Nothing.

Two

I’d forgotten how small airplane bathrooms were. As long as I stood in the same spot, there was just enough room to place my backpack on the lid of the toilet, pull out my extra clothes, and change. I stuffed the purple shirt deep into the bottom of my bag.

Breathe.

I stared back at myself from the mirror.

It was me.

The real me. Not the me I’d fabricated for Mom’s sake.

I had on my favorite T-shirt, which I’d found in a thrift store. It was faded and gray, featuring a glam-rock David Bowie with a red bolt of lightning striking through his face. Mom hated it and Dad hated it even more. It was kind of ironic, since Mom was the one who’d introduced me to David Bowie’s music. I remembered it like it was yesterday, because it was the first time I’d gotten suspended from school—I’d hurled an open carton of chocolate milk at Alexis, the sixth-grade mean girl who insisted on making my school life a living hell. We were in a cab, on the way home. Mom’s lips were sealed tight. She had nothing left to say to me. All she did was sit stiffly on the other side of the seat, as far away from me as possible. Once in a while, I’d steal a glance at her as she glared through the window, unmoving. But then a song came on the radio. The cab driver turned the volume up.

But I try, I try …

Never gonna fall for (modern love) …

All of a sudden, I noticed Mom’s fingers tapping to the beat. Seconds later, the tip of her high-heel shoe joined in. Then she began mouthing the lyrics.

I was surprised. More shocked, really.

I couldn’t remember having ever seen her bopping to a song before. Huh. I scooched a bit closer and then mustered the courage to speak. This song … It’s cool, I mumbled.

Mom jumped, as if I’d spooked her out of a daydream. But then her lips unsealed themselves, curling into a slight smile. It’s David Bowie … an icon. I used to listen to him when I was your age.

As soon as we got home, I looked up David Bowie online, and I’ve been obsessed ever since. Somehow, his music made me feel closer to Mom, even though in reality she was far away—distant and cold.

And now she literally was far away. Pretty soon, an entire ocean would come between us.

Just forget about her, Alba.

I grabbed a tissue and wiped the gloss off my lips. Then I splashed cold water on my face and ran my wet fingers through my hair. Boy hair, Mom liked to call it. She always put on a judgy voice whenever she said it, as if short hair wasn’t a girl thing. As if short hairstyles were exclusive to lesbians. I’d heard Dad say that once when he thought I wasn’t listening. Except he’d used a different term for it, spitting it out like a curse word.

Whatever.

I went back to my seat in economy. Mom and Dad always flew business class. But I guess I wasn’t good enough for that, either. Other passengers were milling along the aisle. They looked like happy, fresh-faced tourists—families with kids on summer vacation, couples going on their honeymoons, backpackers excited to explore the world. And then there was me—poor, pathetic me. I was probably the only twelve-year-old kid onboard being sent off against her will to live with her estranged grandmother. Any second someone would whip out the world’s tiniest violin.

Honey, please fasten your seat belt. We’ll be taking off shortly.

I glanced at the flight attendant. Okay, I said, making a big show of snapping my seat belt together.

She went away. I was alone again. Not completely alone, but sort of. The seat next to me was empty, but in the seat next to that, there was an old guy with really thick glasses reading a really thick book. Every once in a while, he’d glance at me. I knew the look. It was the same one I got every time someone was trying to figure out if I was a boy or a girl.

I was so over it.

I just ignored him and stared at the tray table in front of me. The flight attendants were doing their safety demonstration. Blah. Blah. Blah. I wasn’t paying attention.

Finally, the engine rumbled. I closed my eyes and waited for the surge.

A minute, maybe two, maybe five passed.

Then …

Whoosh!

The airplane thrust forward. For some reason I coughed. I choked. My heartbeat thump-thump, thump-thumped. It felt like I was running. Farther and farther. From Dad’s angry gaze. Mom’s screaming. Faster and faster. My arm hurt. Someone was squeezing it.

Let go! I thought it was just a voice in my head, but then I heard a gasp. My eyes snapped open. The old man with the book. His hand was touching my arm.

I’m sorry, he said. I didn’t mean to scare you … Are you all right?

I nodded, but I wasn’t all right. Far from it.

The man took his hand away with this bewildered look. He went back to his reading.

Now that the plane had leveled off, the passengers around me were relaxing. Some flipped through magazines; others watched movies on the screens in front of them.

But I was too tense for any of that. My shoulders were stiff, my chest tight, as if there was a giant rubber band stretched across my rib cage. I tried closing my eyes. Maybe I could just sleep the entire way there.

Right.

If only.

Wishful thinking.

Instead, I peered out the window. We were already high up in the air, flying above the trees and buildings and roads and people. They became smaller and smaller, turning into little Lego trees and little Lego buildings and little Lego people.

We flew into the clouds. They made me feel kind of better.

Like maybe this wasn’t the end of the world.

Whatever was up ahead, wherever I was going, couldn’t possibly be as bad as what I was leaving behind.

Right?

Three

Sofia the flight attendant was hovering behind me. Her minty breath wafted past my neck into my nostrils.

Do you see your grandmother? she asked.

Good question.

The last time I’d seen Abuela Lola, I was three or four years old. A time I referred to as the good old days. Before Dad started drinking too much. Before he became a controlling, abusive jerk. Before he forbade Mom from seeing any of her family or friends, or anyone who defied him. It felt like eons ago. Now Abuela Lola was merely a distant memory, a faded photo, someone I sort of, kind of remembered. Her name was actually Magdalena, but we’d always referred to her as Abuela Lola—Grandma Grandma. Abuela was Spanish, and lola was Tagalog. Apparently, I always mixed up the languages when I was little. Hence, Abuela Lola.

I scanned the crowd on the other side of the cordoned-off area. There were families with kids hopping, uniformed dudes holding WELCOME TO BARCELONA placards, random people craning their necks at the arriving passengers. And then there was this older lady with silver-streaked hair, gold hoop earrings, and a bright orange blouse with embroidered flowers. Her gaze drifted, landing on me for a second before moving on. I wasn’t the person she was looking for. But something about her seemed familiar. The shape of her face, her cheekbones, high and angular just like Mom’s.

I think … that’s her, I said in a hushed voice.

Sofia led the way.

Click-clack. Click-clack.

Mrs. Rodriguez? she said.

The older lady glanced at Sofia and then at me. She squinted. Alba? Before I could react, her mouth opened wide and she wiggle-danced in place. Alba! It’s you! You’re here! You’re really here!

For a moment I stood there, not knowing what to do or say. Abuela Lola’s excitement was confusing. When she reached over the metal barrier and pulled me toward her, it confused me even more. My instinct was to pull away. But her hands were soft and warm, and something about the way she smelled, like warm caramel, made me lean into her embrace.

Well, I’ll be going now. Enjoy your visit, Alba, Sofia said before leaving.

Abuela Lola finally let go, nudging me down the barricade. Go on to the end of the barrier. I’ll meet you there.

All right.

I should have been walking faster. My feet were dragging. Thank god for my rollaway suitcase—otherwise I might have wobbled. I gripped its handle and steadied myself.

The barricade ended. Abuela Lola watched me, tilting her head as if she was studying a painting in a museum. I smiled; it felt unnatural. My lips and cheeks stretched awkwardly. It had been a while since I’d used those muscles.

I should have recognized you. Your eyes are just like your mother’s, she said.

I knew that. When I was younger, I used to watch Mom sitting in front of her vanity, sweeping her long lashes with mascara. You have my eyes, Alba. When you’re older, I’ll teach you how to make them even more beautiful.

Yeah, I replied.

Abuela Lola opened her arms. Come here and give me a proper hug.

I held my breath and wandered into her embrace. I knew she could feel how stiff I was. But it didn’t stop her from smothering me. She even made an mmmm sound.

So, she said, letting go of me. I’ve got an Uber waiting for us outside. Why don’t we get out of here?

I didn’t say anything. I just followed her through the crowd, past the automated doors, and into a shiny black sedan. The car cruised and swerved and turned. Abuela Lola was quiet. I think she knew I was overwhelmed. I mean, I was. How could I not be? I’d just left my life behind, flown across the Atlantic Ocean on a plane by myself, landed in another country, and met up with a grandmother I hadn’t seen in ages. She was practically a stranger, and there she was hugging me like no biggie, like she’d just seen me last Thanksgiving or Christmas or something.

I peeked at Abuela Lola’s profile, trying to remember anything about her, perhaps a memory that might somehow comfort me. But there wasn’t much to remember. Except maybe her scent. I had this vague recollection of a kitchen, the smell of vanilla beans and orange peels wafting in the air.

She turned, and her gaze found mine. I blinked and looked down at my lap, at my fingers twisting and turning into one another. My skin prickled. It was my nerves. They were on edge. Everything was just too much, especially Abuela Lola. Her eyes, her smile, her presence. I wanted to slide farther away from her. But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So I stayed put.

That’s when she reached out and cupped my hand in hers. I tried hard not to react. But my palm twitched, and I sucked my breath fast. As obvious as it was, she acted as if she hadn’t noticed. Maybe she had, and she was just pretending she didn’t.

Either way, she smiled and pointed at the passing scenery. Look … You probably don’t remember much of it, do you?

She was right. Barcelona was as distant to me as Abuela Lola was.

I glanced out the window. Ultramodern glass structures stood by old buildings that looked like giant sculptures, monuments and palm trees dotted the spaces in between, and cruise ships, all sorts of ships, rested on the sea beyond. It was a weird city, sort of like a collage—pieces of it didn’t seem to match, but when you looked at it as a whole, it kind of made sense.

I had no memory of this place. None whatsoever.

After fifteen or twenty minutes, we veered to the left into a large rotary. At the center was a tall metal pillar with a statue on top. Abuela Lola let go of my hand and gestured at the statue. That’s the Christopher Columbus monument. We’re almost home.

Home.

I attempted to swallow, except there was this lump in my throat.

That word—home—seemingly so harmless.

So why did it feel like my heart had been ripped out?

It was only then that it sank in. New York City was somewhere across the ocean, thousands of miles away.

Barcelona was home now.

For how long, I wasn’t sure.

Suddenly, the car pulled over next to a building with colorful fans and parasols decorating the facade. A fancy green dragon jutting from the corner held a bamboo lantern in its grasp.

"You live here?" I didn’t mean to say it out loud, but the words just slipped out.

Abuela Lola laughed. I wish! No … This building is called Casa Bruno Cuadros. The original owner had an umbrella shop on the ground floor over a hundred years ago. Now it’s a bank, and a destination for tourists interested in architecture. She paid the driver and we got out of the car. My apartment is a few blocks away, but vehicles aren’t allowed on the side streets—they’re strictly for pedestrians and bicycles.

I looked down the alley where she was heading. It really was an alley. But it wasn’t filled with trash cans. The pavement was made of weathered slabs of rock, and the buildings were old, not regular kind of old, but the kind that made you feel like you’d stepped out of a time machine. Like at any moment some medieval soldiers on horseback would come galloping toward us. Except there were tourists. Lots of them.

It was sort of a shock. Nothing was familiar to me. Well, maybe the tourists. New York City had a lot of those, too. Still, even with the somewhat-familiar tourists swarming around me, I stood there transfixed.

I wasn’t like them. I wasn’t here to sightsee, to sample the local cuisine, to buy souvenirs and then go back home.

This wasn’t just a vacation.

This was my life now.

Come, Alba, said Abuela Lola from up ahead.

I yanked my rolling suitcase and tried to catch up. "You really live … here?" I repeated.

She nodded. Since 1968. I was eight years old when we moved to Spain from the Philippines. Back then, the Barrio Gótico, this neighborhood, was even more amazing. It was always a tourist attraction, but nothing like it is today.

We kept on walking for another block or so. I ogled at everything and everyone with my mouth hanging open like a big dope. I coughed. My throat. My tongue. Even my teeth were dry, as if all the saliva had evaporated from the heat.

Abuela Lola placed her hand on my arm. You know what, Alba? I think we’re in need of some refreshments. She pulled me into a shop, suitcase and all.

Oye, ¿qué tal, Magda? said the blue-aproned lady behind the counter.

Muy bien, Nuria. Tengo mi nieta, Alba, conmigo … ¡desde los Estados Unidos! said Abuela Lola.

The blue-aproned lady smiled, clapped her hands together, and winked. Así, te daré los mejores, entonces.

Oh crap.

Spanish.

I’d almost forgotten that people here didn’t speak English. I mean, I guess some of them did. Maybe? Hopefully?

God, I’m screwed.

Abuela Lola led me to a small table for two. Nuria’s churros are the best in the neighborhood. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I sat. Not even a minute went by, and Nuria appeared with a tray. She placed a plate of sugary fried dough sticks and two cups of thick hot chocolate on the table.

Buen provecho, she said before going away.

Mmmm. It was the same sound Abuela Lola had made when she’d hugged me at the airport. Except she was dunking one of the dough sticks into the chocolate. She bit into it and made a face like she was eating the best thing