Bike Snob: Systematically & Mercilessly Realigning the World of Cycling

Bike Snob

Systematically and Mercilessly Realigning The World of Cyling

Bike Snob NYC

Illustrations by

Christopher Koelle

Dedicated to Ruth Weiss.

Success is making it onto her bookshelf in book form.

Cycle tracks will abound in Utopia.

—H.G. Wells

Contents

INTRODUCTION

The bicycle, and what's so great about it

PART ONE the Basics

DIALING IT IN: The History of the Bicycle

WHAT IS A CYCLIST, AND WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO BE ONE?

VELO-TAXONOMY: The Various Subsets of Cyclists

GETTING THERE BY BIKE: How Cycling Changed My Life

PART TWO Road Rules

WHY IS EVERYBODY TRYING TO KILL ME?": Fear, and How to Survive on a Bike

CYCLING AND THE CITY: The Gentrification of the Bicycle

LOOK AT ME, I’M ORIGINAL, TOO! The myth of a bike culture

PART THREE Advanced Cycling

LETTING GO: The burden of bicycle ownership

TRIMMING THE FAT: The streamlining influence of cycling

CORROSION OF CONFORMITY: Rules vs. fashion

A BRIEF GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE FOR NON-CYCLISTS

EPILOGUE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

INTRODUCTION

The Bicycle, and What’s So great About It

As humans, we’ve invented a lot of things. Most of these inventions are stupid and pointless (the Pet Rock; Count Chocula cereal; abstinence as a form of birth control). A lot of them are fun (video games; board games; head games). Some of them are convenient and make our lives easier (cheese graters; beer widgets; toilet brushes). And, every so often, a Truly Great Invention comes along that changes our culture and the very way we live on this planet (irrigation; the printing press; beer).

Of all the Truly Great Inventions, which one is the greatest? Well, there’s no way to tell, as it’s all really just a matter of opinion. But we can narrow it down. There’s a simple litmus test you can use to tell a Truly Great Invention from a regular invention. And that litmus test is the Amish.

The Amish have been keeping it real longer than almost any other group of people in America, and they’ve done so by shunning frivolous modern conveniences. Just a few of the things the Amish refuse to use include:

electricity

zippers

telephones

automobiles

computers

speedboats

Nautilus equipment

plastic surgery

and Ludacris albums.

It might seem crazy to live a life without these things, but if you really think about it you can do without all of them. People managed for millennia without electricity, and they were just fine (apart from all the darkness and cholera). Also, zippers are just dangerous buttons, telephones are satanic devices for spreading gossip that vibrate seductively in your pocket (anything that vibrates is evil), automobiles are simply buggies that are too stupid to avoid collisions themselves if the driver falls asleep, and the rest of the items on that list are just things people use to try to get other people to have sex with them outside of wedlock. Do you really need to spend your days flexing your Nautilus-toned arms while you make gratuitous cell phone calls to your friends from the bow of your speedboat? Does that somehow make you a better person? I don’t think so.

Furthermore, the Amish don’t avoid all aspects of modern life. They just avoid the ones they feel are damaging to the soul. They will take advantage of the stuff that’s truly great and useful and that isn’t just a tool for preening, vanity, or looking at pornography. Some of these things include:

regular surgery of the non-plastic variety

medicine

refrigeration (kerosene-powered, not electric-powered)

and bicycles.

That’s right, Amish people will ride bicycles. They might not post lengthy ride reports and photographs of their bicycles to their blogs (Amish blogs are called sermons), they might not stop at an espresso bar and sip caffeine from tiny cups while they ogle women in short skirts like the Italians do, and they certainly don’t zip on any skintight Lycra clothing. But they will throw a leg over the saddle and pedal their retro-grouchy asses down to the market for some cheese. And to me, this says a lot. It says the Amish aren’t totally crazy. It says maybe there’s some money to be made by growing a beard, infiltrating the Amish community Harrison Ford—style, and opening Ye Olde Bike Shoppe. But most importantly, it says the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention.

And indeed it is. The Amish can resist Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, pornography, ice-cold margaritas on tropical beaches, designer drugs, fast cars (actually, all cars), thong underwear, American Idol, Amazon.com, and sneakers. But they can’t resist the bicycle. This is because the bicycle is a Truly Great Invention.

A bicycle is a Truly Great Invention because it is part of the entire range of human existence, from frivolity to necessity. A bicycle, if understood correctly and used to its full potential, is actually a key to a completely different, and in many ways more rewarding, way of life. Sure, there are limits to the ways in which you can use a bicycle, but those limits are surprisingly few. A bicycle can give you the feeling of freedom and speed you get from riding a motorcycle, the sense of well-being and peace you get from meditating, the health benefits you get from an afternoon in the gym, the sense of self-expression you get from learning to play guitar, and the feeling of victory you get from completing a marathon. It’s an invention that was in many ways ahead of its time, and whose time has finally come.

Like a computer, or a guitar, or a motorcycle, a bicycle is also an invention you can misuse through ignorance. You can miss out on its full potential (think using a computer only for playing solitaire and looking at porn. I mean, you can do both those things, but you should do other stuff too). You can annoy others and look like a complete idiot (think the guy with a Fender and a Marshall stack who has no idea how to play). And, of course, you can die (everything you can do on a motorcycle you can also do on a bicycle, including kill yourself).

In the coming chapters, I will explore all of these things—including the porn. So turn off the TV, stop fiddling nervously with your zipper, tell your friend who’s calling you from the speedboat that you’ll call back later, and enjoy one Truly Great Invention through that lesser but still occasionally handy invention—the written word.

PART ONE

the Basics

DIALING IT IN

The History of the Bicycle

When I see an adult on a bicycle, I do not despair for the future of the human race.

—H.G. Wells

The bicycle is one of those simple inventions that seems like it’s been around since the dark ages. After all, it’s entirely mechanical and doesn’t really require anything especially modern, such as electricity or internal combustion. So you’d think that sometime back in the 1600s someone might have looked at a horse and thought, Hey, we should make one of those, but with wheels! But that didn’t happen until 1818, when Baron Karl von Drais of Germany patented the Laufmaschine, which was also known as the dandy horse. Basically, this was a vehicle with two wheels that you straddled and then propelled by pushing yourself along with your feet Fred Flintstone—style. But even though it had two in-line wheels and was a precursor to the bicycle, it was really mostly just a rolling crotch-crutch and it went out of style fairly quickly for a number of reasons, chief among them being that it lacked pedals and it was stupid.

After that, there came a series of Victorian contraptions with pedals and wheels in various configurations, and these were generally called velocipedes. Eventually, in the late 1860s in France, one velocipede got the configuration almost right. Unfortunately, it was also made of iron with wooden wheels and was punishing to ride, which is why it was referred to as the boneshaker. Still, it had two wheels of more or less equal size, as well as pedals, which meant you weren’t essentially just running with a pair of wheels under your groin like you were with the dandy horse. But the boneshaker had its own problems. Apart from the torturous ride quality (I’m sure today the boneshaker would have been called the ballbreaker), the boneshaker lacked a chain drive. Instead, the pedals and cranks were attached directly to the front wheel. This is called a direct drive, and you’re undoubtedly familiar with it as it’s still used for high tech vehicles such as tricycles and Big Wheels. And while the upside is that you can’t really get your pant leg caught in a direct drive like you can in a chain drive, the big problem with the direct drive is that you can’t change cogs in order to increase the top speed of the bicycle. All you can do is increase the diameter of the wheel itself.

This in turn led to everybody’s favorite old-timey bicycle, the high-wheeler, or penny-farthing, which James Starley started making in England around 1870. The latter sobriquet came about because the goofy tiny rear wheel and absurdly huge front wheel looked like a small coin and a large coin next to each other, and it is a testament to Victorian tact and restraint that they did not instead call it the boneshaker rider’s testes, as it undoubtedly bore a strong resemblance to those as well. The frame was made of tubular steel which was much lighter than iron, the wheel used wire spokes and was much lighter as well, and, thanks to the large front wheel, riders could now go really fast—fast enough that the sport of bicycle racing was born with the high-wheeler. But this speed came at a cost: it was an impractical machine that was extremely dangerous to ride. Face-plants were the order of the day. I mean, just look at the thing! It’s completely ridiculous.

Even so, people were hooked. As wacky a contraption as the penny-farthing was, for the first time people could move themselves quickly without the aid of steam, wind, or hairy, flatulent animals. The penny-farthing was such a big deal that it lives on today, as a symbol of both the birth of cycling in particular and of Victorian-era old-timey ingenuity in general. You find pictures of them on bike shop awnings, wine bottle labels, and T-shirts, and you even occasionally see them in person underneath some of the weirdos who still ride them.

In 1878 Albert Pope started the Columbia Bicycle Company in Boston, and by 1880 all the cool people were rocking penny-farthings. But what was cycling like back then? Who were our early cycling ancestors? To find out, I read some old newspaper articles. If you’re unfamiliar with the newspaper, it’s something people used to read before the Internet. Basically, it was like reading a giant tablecloth, and is sort of the literary equivalent of the penny-farthing. Anyway, I learned a great deal from the newspaper. Here’s what the New York Times had to say about cycling on March 13, 1885, at the height of the penny-farthing craze:

A POPULAR LENTEN SPORT

Cycling Is Now Society Folks’ Favorite Pastime

BIG CROWDS AT THE MICHAUX RIDES

The Cycle Club of Brooklyn’s

Unique Entertainments in the

Clermont Avenue Rink—Costume Ride Planned

The Lenten season has resulted in a great boom to cycling, for society folks in this city and Brooklyn have taken up the pastime as if it were the only thing to do. A visit to Bowman’s Academy, in Broadway, near Fifty-third Street, or to the Clermont Avenue Rink, in Brooklyn, will convince one of this statement. The former place is headquarters for the members of the Michaux Cycle Club, an organization composed of wellknown society people of the metropolis. It is also open to the public during certain hours. The Cycle Club of Brooklyn is similar in many respects to the Michaux Club. Its members form Brooklyn’s most exclusive social set. They have leased the Clermont Rink outright and the general public is not admitted.

Tuesday and Friday evenings and Wednesday and Thursday afternoons the Michaux members have Bowman’s Academy to themselves. They have plain and fancy riding, and generally turn out in large numbers. Last evening the floor was crowded, and so was the spectators’ gallery. Tea is served at the afternoon sessions, and thus far these meetings have proved exceptionally popular.

During the afternoon yesterday the attendance was very large. Despite the fact that it was not a Michaux session, there were many members of the club present. They took their turns in getting wheels with the general public. Some who needed the aid of instructors had to wait more than an hour before they could be accommodated. There were old men and young men there, struggling to learn to ride, and pretty girls and matronly ladies, some of whom could ride most gracefully. Then there were little boys, hardly knee high, who circled around the spacious floor as if they and the machine were one animate being.

It was noticeable that there were few falls, and Mr. Bowman prides himself on the fact that nobody has yet had a serious accident at his academy.

The Clermont Avenue Rink is admirably adapted to cycling. Its floor surface is as large, if not larger, than that of any other academy in Greater New-York, and this fact is greatly appreciated by the members of the Cycle Club. There were many ladies riding there yesterday afternoon, and last evening there was a large attendance to witness the music ride and class drill of the younger members of the club. This afternoon there will be a tea and music ride from 3 to 6 o’clock. For next Monday evening the most elaborate programme of the Winter has been arranged. It will embrace a costume ride and entertainment for the benefit of the Home for Friendless Women and Children.

Manager William A. Webster has general charge of the affair, and, acting on the suggestions of some of the leading society cycling women of Brooklyn, has arranged a programme which will interest every member of the club and many others as well. First there will be a general ride by members in costume, and for originality in dress prizes will be awarded as follows:

First Prize

To the wittiest.

Second Prize

To the prettiest.

Third Prize

To the one we love best.

Mrs. George E. Fahys, Mrs. James M. Fuller, and Mrs. William C. Wallace will be the judges.

Following this novel contest will come some fancy and trick riding by Mr. and Mrs. Charles G. Kilpatrick. He is the one-legged rider who performs astonishing feats on the cycle. Mrs. Kilpatrick is a most graceful rider, and her exhibition is said to be very interesting.

A brownie drill, by club members, comes next on the programme, and then the Bosco brothers of Italy will do their monkey and bear trick act.

The patronesses of the entertainment are Mrs. Alfred C. Barnes, Mrs. Tunis G. Bergen, Mrs. Flamen B. Candler, Mrs. George W. Chauncey, Mrs. Carll H. De Silver, Mrs. George E. Fahys, Mrs. E. H. Dickerson, Mrs. John Gibb, Mrs. Francis E. Dodge, Mrs. James