How It Feels to Be Cheated by the Wife and Husband in Marriage

How it Feels to be Cheated by the Wife and Husband in Marriage

How it Feels to be Cheated by the Wife and Husband in Marriage

GIDEON MWANZA

Copyright © 2022 Gideon Mwanza

Published by Gideon Mwanza Publishing at Smashwords

First edition 2022

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Edited by Francois Rabe for Reach Publishers

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Gideon Mwanza

[email protected]

Table of Contents

Introduction

1. Prevalence of Marital Infidelity

2. Research Design

3. Results

4. Discussion

5. Prevalence of and Attitudes Toward Infidelity

6. Current Investigation

7. Measures

8. Discussion

9. Unavoidable Stages you Go Through After Getting Cheated On

Sources

Introduction

The mass media often make it sound like extramarital sex is really no more than ‘an intimate handshake’. Television shows like Californication and Swingtown report extramarital sex as ‘free recreation’. The truth is quite different. Although there are people who have sexually open marriages or engage in swinging lifestyles, they are in the minority. For the vast majority of couples, sexual infidelity, especially when combined with secrecy, causes untold pain and suffering.

Defining marital infidelity

All individuals have their own perceptions of what marital infidelity means. To some it is having a sexual relationship with someone outside of the marriage. To others, having an emotional relationship with a member of the opposite sex is considered marital infidelity as well. Blow and Hartnett (2005) have addressed the inconsistency which exists in extant research literature of an operational definition for infidelity. They stated, Infidelity is defined in a myriad of ways and can comprise a number of activities, including having an affair, an extramarital relationship, cheating, sexual intercourse, oral sex, fondling, an emotional connection that extends beyond friendship, general friendships, online relationships, use of pornography, and numerous others.(186).

For the purpose of the current study, marital infidelity will be defined as a secret sexual, romantic or emotional involvement that violates the commitment to the marital relationship. The reason I choose this particular definition was because I think there has been a shift in the idea of marital infidelity being just a sexual relationship outside of the marriage to also involving an emotional component.

Importance of studying marital infidelity

Infidelity has been shown to have severe negative effects on a marriage, such as depression and divorce. Several studies will be presented that confirm that infidelity has a harmful effect on marriages. In a study of 214 individuals (107 men and 107 women) who had been married for less than one year, Shackelford (1998) assessed expectations of dissolution as a consequence of an extramarital affair. Each participant was asked to complete an instrument entitled Events and Others. This instrument had participants estimate the likelihood that they would end the marriage as a consequence of six types of sexual affairs, including flirting, passionately kissing, going on a romantic date, having a one-night stand, having a brief affair, and having a serious affair.

The results shows that 4% of the husbands estimated they would end their marriages if their wife flirted with another man, 21% would divorce if their wives engaged in a passionate kiss with another man, 36% would divorce if their wives went on a romantic date, 49% would divorce if their wives had a one-night stand, 55% would divorce if their wives had a brief affair, and 67% would end their marriage if their wives had a serious affair. The results for women showed that 3% would end their marriages if their husbands flirted with another woman, 21% would divorce if their husbands engaged in a passionate kiss with another woman, 37% would divorce if their husbands went on a romantic date, 49% would divorce if their husbands had a one-night stand, 58% would divorce if their husbands had a brief affair, and 69% would end their marriages if their husbands had a serious affair.

Although this study did not specifically look at actual divorces filed as a consequence of an extramarital affair, the results are powerful in saying that in a relationship in which a spouse has been unfaithful, the consequences could be severe.

Amato and Rogers (1997) investigated the extent to which reports of marital problems in a 1980 study predicted divorce between 1980 and 1992. The original study had telephone interviewers use random-digit dialling to locate a national sample of 2033 married individuals under the age of 55. When compared with the data on married individuals from the US census, the sample was representative with respect to age, household size, race, religion, presence of children, and home ownership. Approximately 78% of the participants completed the interview. In 1983, telephone interviewers contacted 1592 of the original respondents and approximately 86% supplied information on subsequent divorce. Amato and Rogers (1997) then had telephone interviewers reach 1341 of the original participants, 71% of the original sample in 1988, and again obtained marital status information. Finally, in 1992, the original sample was again telephoned by interviewers to obtain marital status information. This time, 1189 of the original participants were reached, 61% of the original sample.

For inclusion in the study, Amato and Rogers (1997) analysed participants who had information on marital status at two or more points in time. The final sample included 86% of the original sample done in 1980. Amato and Rogers (1997) found that throughout the 12 years of the study, there had been 231 divorces and 33 permanent separations. The study also found infidelity as one of the most consistent predictors of divorce. Amato and Rogers (1997) stated that, Infidelity was associated with an especially large increase in the odds of divorce, and, Extramarital sex is a particularly powerful predictor of divorce (p.679). This result is consistent with South and Lloyd’s (1995) finding that in at least one third of divorce cases, one or both spouses had been involved with another person prior to marital disruption.(p. 622).

Christian-Herman, O’Leary and Avery-Leaf (2001) did a study using 50 married women who reported a severe negative marital event that had occurred or become known to them within the previous month of the study. The participants had to meet the following criteria: they had to be married, between the ages 18 and 44 years, no history of major depression, and experienced a ‘severe negative event’ in the marriage within the past month. The selected participants were then given the Dyadic Adjustment Scale (DAS) to measure marital satisfaction, and underwent a structural clinical interview for the DSM III-R (SCID) to asses for the presence of major depression and dysthymia. Finally, the Centre for Epidemiological Studies’ depression scale (CES-D) was used to measure depressive symptomatology.

The top three negative events which triggered these symptoms reported were separation/divorce, affairs, and acts of physical aggression. Christian-Herman et al. (2001) found that 36% of the women among the affairs group reached diagnostic criteria for depression. The authors’ results showed that highly stressful evens– such as an extramarital affair– are associated with depressive symptomatology.

In another study by Cano and O’Leary (2000), a sample of 50 women was used to compare the rates of major depressive episodes in women who had recently experienced a humiliating marital event compared to women who had not experienced such events, but reported similar levels of marital discord. The 50 women were separated into two different groups. One group comprised 25 women who experienced one of the following evens within two months prior to the phone contact: discovery of their husband’s infidelity, their husband’s initiation or completion of a separation, or divorce or separation from their husband as a result of his infidelity or a marked tendency to violence. In this group, 44% discovered a husband’s infidelity and 20% became separated following their husband’s infidelity or marked physical violence. The control group consisted of 25 married women who did not experience a humiliating marital event, but did have similar marital discord to the other group.

Cano and O’Leary (2000) found a significant different between the two groups, with 72% of the group who experienced a humiliating marital event being diagnosed with a major depressive episode compared to 12% of the control group. This study showed that the occurrence of a humiliating marital event– such as marital infidelity – increased a women’s risk for a major depressive episode.

A final study looking at how extramarital sex impacts depression was done by Beach, Jouriles and O’Leary (1985). They used a sample of 120 couples that presented themselves for marital therapy at the State University of New York’s Stony Brook University Marital Therapy Clinic. Of the 120 couples, 20% (n=24) reported that infidelity was an active issue for them at the time of the intake. The 24 couples were then used to conduct the study. Beach et al. (1985) found that, Couples presenting extramarital sex as an issue in marital therapy are more likely than couples presenting other marital difficulties to have a member who evidences clinically significant levels of depression (p. 105). They also found that women reported higher levels of depression than men. With an increased level of depression found in those who had experienced marital infidelity, there is a greater likelihood for divorce to follow. For those where issues of the extramarital affair cannot be resolved, and levels of depression do not subside with treatment or time, the next option could be to end the relationship.

Because infidelity poses negative effects, including depression and divorce, more research must be done to find out what occurs in the marital relationship that forces individuals in the direction of marital infidelity and makes them decide to have an affair, rather than seek marital therapy. We also need to explore the factors external to the marriage which may lead to extramarital sexual affairs.

THE PURPOSE OF THE PART

Due to the growing prevalence and negative effects of marital infidelity, it is important for both clinicians and researchers to understand its occurrence. The purpose of this part was to examine the process women go through when making the decision to have an affair. Particularly, I was interested in how they were able to give themselves ‘permission’ to have an affair. In order to do this, I studied the narratives (obtained from interviews) from individuals who participated in marital infidelity and analysed how they heightened their attraction to marital infidelity, minimised their repulsions, and overcame their barriers in order to give themselves permission to have an affair.

Chapter 1

Prevalence of Marital Infidelity

Studies have found infidelity to be prevalent in many marriages. Although some of the work is dated, much of the current research cites the significant data that was found in the previous research studies. Several studies will be reviewed in this chapter, all showing the significance of the issue of marital infidelity in marital relationships.

In their historic research on sexual behaviour in both men and women, Kinsey, Pomeroy and Martin (1948) and Kinsey, Pomeroy, Martin and Gebhard (1953) found that approximately 26% of women and 50% of men had engaged in extramarital activity. In an effort to test the validity of these numbers, many studies have been done to determine if these original findings would remain true. Using respondents from the General Social Survey (GSS) of 1994, Wiederman (1997) included a questionnaire inquiring about sexual experience. Sone 663married men and 760 married women were asked, Have you ever had sex with someone other than your husband/wife while you were married? (Wiederman, 1997)

Wiederman (1997) found that 22.7% of men and 11.6% of women reported having experienced extramarital sex. Another study also looked at the GSS, but combined responses from 1991 to 1996 and found that 13.3% of people who were married at the time of the interview reported having had extramarital sex (Atkins, Jacobson & Baucom, 2001)

A study looking at the 1991 National Survey of Women consisted of 1235 women between the ages of 20 and 37 (Forste & Tanfer, 1996). This study examined the sexual behaviour of married, cohabitating and dating women. Married women were asked, Since you got married, have you engaged in any sexual activity with other men? (p.36). Non-married women in a committed relationship were asked, Since your relationship with him began, have you engaged in any sexual activity with other men? (Forste & Tanfer, 1996 p. 36). They found that 10% of the women interviewed had a secondary sex partner by the date of the interview. Married women were the least likely to have a secondary sex partner, at 4%, followed by 18% of dating women and 20% of cohabiting women.

Treas and Giesen (2000) conducted a study looking at sexual infidelity among married and cohabiting Americans. The samples used in this study were pulled from 3432 respondents in a 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey. The final analysis focused on 2598 men and women who reported being married or had lived with a person (in a heterosexual relationship) with whom they had a sexual relationship at one time. The self-reports of extramarital sex were consistent with those from the GSS (Laumann et al, 1994). Treas and Giesen (2000) found that 15.5% of married individuals reported having extramarital sex (8% who married without first cohabiting and 11% of those who married after cohabiting) and 12% of current cohabiters reported extramarital sex.

In summarising findings from previous research, Glass and Wright (1992) estimated that between 30% and 60% of men and 20% to 50% of women have involved in some type of marital infidelity. Shackelford and Buss (1997) provided even higher estimates based on the research, with estimates ranging from 33% to 75% of men and 26% to 70% of women having been involved in an extramarital relationship. These estimates may be higher because the research summarised was dated. The researchers may have defined infidelity in an unclear way or used a sample of the population that was at an elevated risk for marital infidelity. It is possible that more current research is showing a higher percentage of affairs because of emotional infidelity that may not include sexual involvement.

There have been other authors who report a significantly lower prevalence of marital infidelity. Smith (1991) analysed a questionnaire on sexual behaviour put out by the National Opinion Research Centre’s 1988 and 1989 General Social Survey. The University of Chicago sponsored the addition of questions on sexual behaviour, which respondents answered on a form and handed back in a sealed envelope. Smith (1991) found that only 1.5% of married people reported having had a sexual partner other than their spouse in the year before the survey. It was also stated that men and women did not differ significantly in their levels of infidelity. Another study, using 2058 individuals selected from random housing residences in 100 primary sampling units, found results similar to Smith (1991). Leigh, Temple and Trocki (1993) stated that, because a small number of respondents reported extramarital sex, a statistical comparison to other research would be problematic. It must be noted that differences in the types of questions asked and definitions of infidelity may be why the numbers of the previously mentioned studies were significantly lower than a majority of the existing research.

It is clear that marital infidelity is occurring in our society, although to what extent may be debatable. The large difference in the research percentages may be due to sampling issues, different research designs, or the researchers’ different definitions of marital infidelity. Although some discrepancies in the numbers do exist, this does not undermine the importance of continued research in this area because it is obvious, no matter what the statistics reveal, that marital infidelity is occurring within our society. Some individuals are making the decision to have marital infidelity and have a marital affair. I tend to believe that the studies which report a higher incidence of infidelity provide a more accurate picture of extramarital relationship than those that report lower incidents rates.

Most research