Confessions of a Girl in the City

CHAPTER ONE

RELAXATION

Use your imagination. Use. Your. Imagination.

Each of you is possessed of the most powerful tool, the most powerful weapon available to us on this godforsaken planet – a creative mind. It is in charge. It is the master of all you survey. It can heal you, it can redeem you, it can transcend space and time, but it can also lead you astray. It can lead you to places you never expected to go, never wanted to go – at least, you didn’t think you did. I need each of you to remember that. Nothing in this game of ours is impossible if you can focus your mind on what you want. On your desires. On your dreams. I know all of you have desires, or you wouldn’t be here. You want to act. You want your lives to revolve around the notion of fantasy. And all I can do, all I am here to do as your supposed acting teacher, is guide you, guide your minds, towards those desires.

Now, that is the most positive thing you are going to hear from my lips. I think you’re all crazy, but I was crazy once too, so I know how it feels. It’s late, it’s cold, it’s a Friday night and I can damn sure think of about a hundred different positions I’d rather be in than standing here in front of you people. But fuck it; we’re all here, so let’s get this going. You’re all tense as hell for a start, so it’s lucky that’s where we begin. Tension is cancer for the actor. You must seek it out and destroy it before you can do anything else. You need to take stock of every tiny inch of your bodies, work through every muscle and let everything go. So – let me take you on a guided tour …

MONDAY 13TH NOVEMBER

Relaxation exercise on bus home from work. Fifteen minutes. Started at tips of toes working way up to my head, paid special attention to the tension in the face, brow, etc., as instructed. Tension especially noticeable around the jaw, clenching teeth. Found it hard to keep tension from creeping back in, need to work on this.

WEDNESDAY 15TH NOVEMBER

Continued with relaxation exercises, around thirty mins today as I was at home. Began in seated position, straight-backed chair. Attempted to assume a position in which it might be possible to fall asleep, and began to explore the tensions within my body. Found it difficult to focus, but after a while I was able to work through the exercise and identify problem areas. Similar issues with tension in the jaw, etc.

THURSDAY 16TH NOVEMBER

OK. I’ve just looked at what I’ve written so far. You certainly make quite an impression, Mr Turner. Marcus. I’m not sure where to begin … but I don’t think what I’ve written so far is what you wanted. I’ve never really kept a diary. I can see why you asked us to do it – I mean, I think I can. It makes sense to keep a record of our work, of how we’re progressing, I suppose, start to lay some foundations for later on when we begin to prepare for the play … Still. It’s strange to think that you are going to read this. It’s pretty late, I’ve had a fair amount of wine, and here I am in bed, scribbling away to my acting teacher in a notebook like some kind of old romantic heroine. I know I should probably have written more; it’s class again tomorrow. It just felt a bit strange writing about practising my relaxation. Not that there’s anything wrong with your techniques. If I’m honest, I have been thinking about you – your class – a lot. If that’s any consolation … And I have been doing what you said with the relaxation exercise. I’ve been doing it loads, actually. I think I’ve needed it.

Everything’s been a whirlwind since I moved to London; your class is really the only thing that’s keeping me grounded. Ness (Vanessa from class –she’s my flatmate) is in and out with a parade of reprobates, each one taller and more artsy than the next. Some of them kind of remind me of you, with the long unruly hair and dark aspect – except they’ve not got the distinguished greying at the temples … I’m smiling. This is silly. Anyway, Vanessa and I get on, and tonight more so with the wine – that she stole from work at the restaurant – flowing, but I can’t say that her habit of absent-mindedly leaving the door open during sex has any calming effect. I don’t mind though – it’s nice to know someone is enjoying themselves. And I don’t know, sometimes hearing them at it, lying in my bed across the hall, I start to enjoy myself too … Maybe she knows.

I’m a little bit lonely, I’ll admit, but that’s beside the point. It was my choice after all, leaving it all behind and heading out to the city. Leaving the shitty bank job, the small-town mentality. And you’re right, people did think I was crazy to pursue my desires. I can still hear my mother amping up her Jamaican accent: ‘Antonia Catherine Jenkins, what in God’s name do you think you’re doin’, quitting your job? What you going to do in London? How you think you’re going to make money prrrrancing about on some stage?’ I can always tell she’s angry when she doesn’t call me Toni. And Dad’s big green eyes, mirrors of mine, just staring at me in bewilderment.

Leaving was tough, though, of course. Leaving … people … behind. But he wasn’t – they weren’t –heading in the same direction as me. Then again, I seem to recall being reminded on a regular basis last week that we are actors, and therefore certifiable. I have to say, I am curious about you, about why you never attained the greatness you are guiding all of us delusional aspiring artists towards. I can’t imagine it was because of a lack of ability, and your looks certainly wouldn’t have held you back … Still, a bit of healthy cynicism is kind of appealing, and you wear it well.

So, should I be flattered that you asked to see what I’ve written here? I know you told all of us to keep a diary, but I have to say I was surprised when you pulled me aside as everyone was filing out. I’ve thought about that a lot, actually. But you have definitely cornered the market in inscrutability …

‘Toni – hang on a sec.’ I was surprised you even knew my name – I had the feeling you thought it was ‘No’, from all the ‘NO, NO, start that again. What was that? Was that honest? No. Do it again.’ It’s fine, though, I can take it, that’s what I’ve been after –someone to challenge me. It’s probably too early to be lobbying for it, but I can’t stop dreaming about what it might be like to play Angelique. The idea of an opportunity to audition for a new work by someone I respect as much as Brad Goldberg, someone barely a year or two older than I am who is really making his mark, was exciting enough, but since you handed it round on Friday night I’ve been reading his play nonstop, and that character immediately jumped out at me – so strong, so in touch with her femininity and sensuality, the power it can yield. Something in me identifies with her, and something in me also envies her. I desperately want the chance to put that across, to bring her to life on the stage …

But in the meantime I want to work, work hard, and get to a place where I feel ready, I have faith in my abilities and I’m proud of my achievements and the risks I have taken … and maybe to where you feel proud of me too, ready to let me explore those kinds of challenges. It just … it felt good when you said my name. I kind of got a rush of electricity when you said it. And then turning around and there you were standing behind me, the proximity made me jump. I hoped you didn’t notice. Then again, here I am telling you, I guess.

But anyway … the purpose of this is for us to document our work. So I suppose I should do that. Properly. OK – relaxation. Like I said, I have been doing it a lot, sometimes more than the once a day you said. Every time I start, I can hear your voice taking us through the exercise. Telling us – telling me – to let go. Your voice in my head makes me so much more aware of myself, of my body, somehow. And something more, not just what you said, but a certain glimmer in your eye, seemed to be an unspoken instruction, not just to relax but to really release something – my inhibitions, my insecurities …

Now. I start with the tips of my toes. Lying on my back, I move them around under the sheets on my bed, and then I run the soles of my feet up and down along my mattress. The bedclothes are cool against my skin. I close my eyes. Reach my hands down towards my ankles, arching my back and pulling my knees up so I can reach them. My fingers creep slowly up my calves as my feet slip back down towards the end of the bed, and my legs edge down flat under the covers. I can hear your voice inside my head. That’s it. Let go. I let the muscles in my thighs tighten for just a moment before I allow them to relax against the mattress springs. Let go. My hands have slid up towards the sides of my body, edging my T-shirt up, and