Kind Soul Closet Maniac

Chapter One

Brian

February 9 th, 2016, 6:11 p.m.

As I turned away from the hospital bed we kept in our living room, out of the corner of my eye, I saw his chest rise as he inhaled and his chest fall for the last time. He was gone. After a long and painful battle with cancer, I lost the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me.

We fought together as best we could for two years against stage four lung cancer. I have never witnessed someone handle so much pain with such dignity and grace. He never complained.

I’ll never forget the look on his face when we found out that there was no coming back from it. It was heartbreaking. I begged God to take me instead. He did not.

Brian was an innocent. He was kind to a fault and about as gentle a human being one could ask for. How lucky I was to have him for the short time that I did. I wish I could have found him sooner in life. Innocent souls are rare in this world, so if you’re lucky enough to find one, be sure to hold on tight and take damn good care of it.

We met in November 2007 at a place called Madison Pub in Seattle. It was my local watering hole. It was the only Gay sports pub in town at the time—peanut shells on the floor and good whiskey. I still go there from time to time. It was a good place to watch football and watch men at the same time.

I was finishing my pint and was about to leave when Brian walked in, and everything I thought I knew had changed. Oh, how beautiful he was. I fell for him almost right away. He still has the most beautiful face I have ever seen. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. He seemed so humble. So kind. I couldn’t let him go without telling him how handsome I thought he was.

I was about to make my move when he walked right up to me and introduced himself. Not so shy after all, I thought. By this time, I had several beers in me and a few shots of whiskey, so my inhibitions were low. I asked him for his phone number and if he would like to meet for coffee sometime. I had no idea this was the beginning of something that would change my life forever. We made a date for coffee, and I dashed out the door. I had a little too much in me and didn’t want to make a bad impression. I went outside and lit up a cigarette as I made my way home in the rain.

I was excited for his call, but he decided to keep me waiting for two days. I started to realize this was more than just a crush I had on this man. So strange. We had only just met. I was pissed off that he kept me waiting. He would later tell me that he was playing it cool.

I, myself, had the same plan, however. Two days wasted, I thought. I was about to ring him when he called me, and we set a date for coffee at a Starbucks on Broadway. I got there early. He arrived right on time wearing a navy blue button-down with the collar open at the top with a tuft of hair poking out. How handsome he looked. I wanted to kiss him right then and there. No little peck on the cheek. It was a sunny, crisp Fall day in Seattle. Brian had the bluest of eyes, and they reflected off the blue on his shirt. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. The innocent, humble nature I witnessed at Mad Pub was sitting across from me in the daylight, and I was all in. Smitten by his kind nature. Was this guy for real? I don’t remember all that we talked about apart from where we were from, our jobs, and the city. It turned into a three-hour coffee date, and at the end, he agreed to let me walk him home. I remember noticing every little bit of flora on the way up to 15 th Avenue on Capitol Hill – a mostly gay neighborhood at the time. Small coffee shops and boutique restaurants. We got to the front door, and I was so eager to kiss him on the mouth, but I didn’t want to push my luck or seem too forward.

As I do with most things in my life, I just closed my eyes and jumped. He kissed me back. The first kiss. Tender, beautiful, and real. We made plans to have dinner together, and I left him at his doorway. I headed back to my place to finish a bottle of wine I had and the rest of some book I was into.

My place was classic Seattle at the time. An old apartment building surrounded by trees so close to the windows I could barely see outside. Dark, old, hardwood floors. A one-bedroom with a beautiful claw-foot bathtub. Other than that, it was kind of a dump. I loved it, though—the perfect place to read or hide or just get drunk and write nonsense into a journal. I like to drink. In fact, I love it. More about that later. Strangely enough, though, an apartment became available just two blocks from Brian’s apartment. A more modern place with plenty of sunshine. When it’s available. It is Seattle, after all. I didn’t realize how close it was to his place, but I took it anyway. Much better on the soul to have as much sunshine in when it did decide to show. I moved in no time and took over a new position as a waiter at a local restaurant down on 12 th Avenue and East Pine Street. I called Brian and asked him to come down for a drink. He did. A different button-down showed this time in the same beautiful face staring at me while I worked. The last thing I wanted to do was to wait on people, but I got to see him hanging out at the bar. I finished the shift and promptly joined him for a drink.

We sat a lot closer this time. I didn’t waste any time putting my arm around him or touching his arm or his leg. His shy and innocent nature was driving me crazy. It wasn’t an act. For the first time in a long time, I felt good again. Being with Brian felt natural right away, and it certainly didn’t hurt that he was so very handsome. We drank together there for a while and then confirmed our date for dinner. I barely noticed the November rain as I walked home on cloud nine, wondering what I had found.

That’s the thing about Seattle weather for me. I love the Fall, especially here in the Pacific Northwest.

It’s dark. It gets colder. It’s really the only way for me to know that time is passing. The Fall season begins with fantastic windstorms that blast through Seattle and strip the trees of their leaves. Everything stays wet for a long time, and then the cloud level drops, and the Mighty Grey rolls in. It’s fantastic, and it stays that way for a long time.

It doesn’t downpour as much as people outside of the Pacific Northwest think, but after a while, every day looks and feels the same. Time flies by in Seattle. I have learned to adapt to almost anything as a result of a really fucked up childhood. I had no problem switching from introvert to extrovert. In the offseason, I would sit and read all day in my apartment with a few bottles of 2 Buck Chuck. Or go out on Puget Sound riding the ferry to Bainbridge Island or Bremerton Island.

Seattle is a great place to get lost if one chooses to. I never really suffered the depression I had heard so much about from so many. I enjoyed looking at the misty mountains across the Sound or walking around Gasworks Park in the rain on a handful of mushrooms. Mostly, I would hang out at a dive bar somewhere, pounding Rainier beer and chatting up the locals. I rarely left Capitol Hill. Everything I needed was in a five-block radius, and now so was Brian. I had a rare weekend off, and Brian offered to cook for us on a Friday night.

Our first official date. I was so excited. On that Friday, I was home drinking a couple of beers when Brian called and said that he needed a little more time to get ready. That worked for me as I forgot to hit the wine shop for a bottle of red and some flowers from the local florist on my way. I arrived at Brian’s for the first time with a slight buzz and an armful of fresh sunflowers.

I crossed his threshold and found myself at home. I knew this was who I wanted to be with from now on. He was so sweet and so humble. His apartment, however, was another story altogether. God bless my dear boy, but his housekeeping skills were nonexistent. Holy cow! I thought he got robbed or something. There was crap everywhere. He went into the kitchen to crack a bottle of vino, so I walked around for a bit. He wasn’t the type to leave empty food containers around or anything like that, but laundry, delivery boxes, and paperwork were everywhere. It was kind of overwhelming for a neat freak like me. It didn’t matter, though. All I wanted was to be there with him.

We shared a bottle of Bordeaux and smoked a couple of cigarettes before dinner. We both smoked. It was a bit of a relief to know that he smoked also. I used to worry about stinking of tobacco in a social situation. After a great dinner, we were sitting on his couch next to each other, and I leaned in for a kiss from him. A real kiss. Deep and passionate. You know how when you kiss someone, it can be awkward. Or it doesn’t match up properly, or there’s too much pressure or too little? This was not the case with my Brian. We locked in right away—a perfect match. An hour later, we came up for air. I, standing at full mast, was losing my mind. I lit up a cigarette, and we relaxed for a bit, finishing the rest of the Bordeaux. As it turned out, his second favorite thing to do was watch movies, as was mine. We watched Love Actually – a Christmas favorite of mine – and snuggled up on his couch. A great first date.

Brian once told me that he was lucky to have met me. When all the while, it was I who was the lucky one.

If I haven’t told you already, I like to drink. A bit of an understatement, really. The fact is that my appetite for destruction is absolutely fucking insatiable. My name is Edward, and I’m an alcoholic. As it stands, I am writing from a regeneration/rehab facility called Justin’s Place, also known as St. Matthew’s house in Naples, Florida. I’ve traded Mt. Rainier and the Misty Mountains of the Pacific Northwest for the enormous skies of southern Florida. The endless shades of grey, snowcapped peaks, and constant dampness for massive billowing clouds that blanket the horizon and seem to stretch all the way to the Heavens.

With beautiful hues of pink, indigo, and blue-green. So pretty. I had forgotten how big the skies are down here. It made me want to sail away. The last time I was here was in 2004. Seasonal work as a waiter at a restaurant called Touch on Lincoln Road on Miami beach. I rented a two-bedroom condo on Pennsylvania and 13 th Avenue. A few blocks from the beach in October of that year. A lot of things seem to happen or begin in October or November for some reason. The apartment belonged to some friends of mine up in Boston. I had mentioned that I was moving to Miami and looking to rent. They mailed the keys; I mailed a check, and that was it. The place was fantastic—a perfect bachelor pad for a single guy on South Beach with a split floor plan, a big living room, and a wall of windows facing the beach. I couldn’t see the ocean, but I had a nice view of Washington Street and the post office. I had the time of my life. I still love South Beach to this day. It’s one of my favorite places in the country. I hit the ground running.

The mornings brought me to the beach with such gorgeous tropical blue waters. Then off to work in the evenings, and after that, I would hunt the middle-aged clean-cut, married dad types who came to South Beach to prey upon the bevy of Cuban, Central, and South American men that dominated the Gay scene. The bars on South Beach were fantastic. They stayed open until 5:00 a.m. I would get home from work around midnight, take a shower, pour a glass of Scotch, and slap on some music. Then off to the bars I went. I only lived a couple of blocks away from a club called Twist. Five different bars under one roof. The cocaine was unbelievably good and extremely cheap. I had a lot of fun. I scored an eight ball from a girl at work and took it home to try it out with a glass of Scotch before I went out clubbing. I chopped up a fat line and snorted it, waited, waited… nothing. I called the girl I scored from and said, Hey, what the hell? She said, Give it 15 minutes and call me back. Then, I couldn't feel my face.

That shit was extremely potent. Welcome to Miami. I would go out at least three nights a week minimum seeing as I didn't have to be at work until 5:00 p.m. the next day. It left a lot of time for me to party, recover, and hit the beach in the morning before work. I loved it. I loved prowling the beach at 3:00 a.m. like Lestat the fucking Vampire.

That first season on South Beach was ridiculous. To say I was a bit of a man whore would be an understatement. It’s rare that I see my type of man in a bar, but my type was everywhere that first season. Stocky, hairy men, doughboys were everywhere, and I’d scoop them up and take them home to console them after they would strike out with one Latin Adonis or another. The winter of 2004 was a lot of fun. I’d never been laid so much in my life by men who were so close to my type!

Chapter Two

Revere, Massachusetts

My drinking life started when I was around thirteen or so in Revere, Massachusetts. Bon Jovi and big hair was everywhere. I had just come from San Jose, California, by way of Greyhound. Cross country on a bus was a fucking nightmare. I was put on a bus with my older brother Jimmy and sent on my way. I had my older sister Debbie's address, but I wasn’t sure if she knew I was coming, and I didn't know if I would make it there. I was scared.

Revere, Massachusetts, in the early 80s, was all Italian-American. Hair metal bands dominated the radio, including Journey, Def Leppard, and a never-ending array of glam rock. Guns and Roses finally came along and changed everything. I was a hypersensitive kid. I liked 70s classic rock and the singers and songwriters of that era. Loggins and Messina, Bread, and Joni Mitchell. My love of music takes me from the Bee Gees to Slipknot and everywhere in between. So long as it matches the fire inside. I like for my music to rip me in half, and I still do.

I can't listen to the song River by Joni Mitchell too often. It reminds me of Brian. It hurts too much. The places I get to go by way of music are unlike anything I've ever felt before. Music is my other constant companion. I take it with me everywhere I go. If I don't have to talk to anyone, my music is on. Always there to comfort me, console me, and motivate me at every turn. It's my second-best friend in life. Sometimes my moods can change like the wind. The highs are very high the lows are very low. And there's always a soundtrack or a song to match it: all-day, every day. Music takes me into the depths of my sorrow and to ethereal heights that no psychedelic drug could ever give me. It never hurts to tune in and drop out occasionally, however.

Around April or May of 1984, I remember walking up the stairs to my sister Debbie's apartment on a warm Spring night with a suitcase, not knowing for sure if she lived there. I knocked on the door. I heard, Who is it? It's Eddie. Eddie who? Your little brother. Thank God she let me in. I had nowhere to go. She was surprised to see me, to say the least. She let me live with her in a tiny two-bedroom apartment on the 2nd floor on Garfield Ave. Two blocks from Revere beach. My first night there, I threw my suitcase in the corner of the bedroom, opened all the windows, and just lay there crying. I remember falling asleep to smell the salty air blowing in from the window, relieved to be off that fucking bus once and for all. I didn't know what was coming next, and I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't even shower to try and wash the bus off me. I was exhausted. Mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted.

Not knowing what was coming next in my life was no big deal to me. So, I compartmentalized that shit and faded off to sleep. Summer was coming to Revere, and I was so close to the beach. My plan was to get up, visit with Debbie, let her know what was going on and what happened, and then go to the beach to sort of wash all of the stress off of me by jumping into the ocean.

Revere was a culture shock for me. My sister worked nights and slept late during the day, so I never saw her much that first Summer. I spent all my time at the beach. Bianchi's pizza and the boardwalk at Revere Beach Train Station were the places to be that Summer. So, there I went. I didn't know anybody at first, so I kind of kept to myself eating pizza while sitting on the seawall, staring out at the ocean, or watching all the guidos walk by with their big hair, playing Bon Jovi music. Gotta love guidos. It was fun to watch.

There were a few kids I met on The Ave, as it was called. Shirley Ave., to be precise. All Italians. They were all related to someone who knew someone who knew someone who was in the mob. It was funny. The truth of it was that some of these kids were connected. We ranged in age from 13 to 17 years, and most of us were to attend Revere High School in the Fall. I loved that first summer drinking with everyone. Again, it was all Bon Jovi and Def Leppard. Songs of bravado and unrequited love, and for some reason, everyone was named Gina. Go figure.

I didn't notice it right away, but after a while, it dawned on me that I drank way faster than everyone else in our crew. I would slam my beer so quickly that I would get attention—the wrong attention. I also had a basketball with me everywhere I went, so I got the nickname The White Shadow after an early 80s television show. Then, after that, it was just Shadow—a nickname I still have to this day. Basketball was my first love. I was hoping to play in the NBA until I stopped growing at 6’ 2" and started getting wider. There was a place called Breakheart Reservation in Saugus, Ma. We would all go to drink beers and light campfires. Again, 80s hair metal was everywhere. I still listen to all that shit today.

We would all pile into whoever had a car at the time, fill the trunk with Budweiser, and head out for the day to swim and drink and listen to music. It was always a lot of fun. Debbie slept in late, so I would normally just leave her a note letting her know in which general area I would be for that day, so she didn't worry too much. It was always the beach or Breakheart anyway. Or up at my buddy Jim's house at the top of Garfield Avenue. That was sort of the central meeting place for all the neighborhood kids to drink. His mother worked nights as a bartender on the beach, so we would just take over his house and drink and smoke cigarettes. At least 20 strong. Fucking kids everywhere slamming beers and talking shit. I still talk to a couple of those kids to this day. A few still live in the same neighborhood. Jim still lives in the same house. Some people never leave their neighborhood. Townie mentality, I guess.

That first summer on Revere Beach was a lot of fun. Sunburns, sand, Budweisers, and Bon Jovi. I remember it fondly. We would save all the empty Budweiser cans as sort of mini trophies of our nightly adventures drinking and talking crap to each other. There had to be hundreds and hundreds of cans in the backyard of Jimmy's house. I don't know how his mother never found out. Maybe she knew, and she just didn't care.

Fall arrived, and with it, the first day of high school. Revere High. Giant hair, Aqua net, dungaree jackets, and cologne and perfume that stunk up the hallways.

I stood out like a sore thumb. The high school was predominantly Italian. Everybody smoked, and in between classes, it seemed like everyone, I mean everyone, was making plans to do one thing or another after school or in between periods, at recess, and at lunch. It's like these little Italian kids all needed a fucking secretary. It was hilarious. And it was all very hush-hush for some reason. Guidos are a trip. I love ‘em. My high school was like being in the movie Grease, except one hundred percent Italian. One of the funniest things I heard in the lunch line was a student saying, I can’t eat this. My mother would kill me. Mingya! I laughed my ass off. The little mobsters that they were. The first day of high school didn't exactly go as planned for me, however. I was told to go home before I ever got to homeroom. I wore a Pussycat Lounge T-shirt from a strip club in the infamous combat zone in Boston. The combat zone was a den of iniquity, Sodom and Gomorrah, a seething cauldron of shitty bars and strip clubs and sex shops in between Chinatown and Back Bay. It was fabulous. All manner of sin was represented within three square blocks. Seedy, nasty, and perfect.

My sister was a bartender and a dancer at the Pussycat Lounge, and after work, she would bring her fellow dancers home or friends, and I would wake up and watch them party. Coke, weed, and booze were made readily available, and I remember feeling so cool watching these people get high and telling war stories about their night at work. I learned a hell of a lot about what not to do when it came to drugs. I only got high occasionally. It was only weed. I was still a weekend warrior at that point. Being there watching them party felt so bohemian to me. No one seemed to care about time or responsibilities the next day. It was a big party, and consequences be damned. They played Black Sabbath, Jefferson Airplane, and Janis Joplin on LP. I would sit in the corner of the room and learn, jam out with them, and occasionally smoke weed. They called it diesel. It smelled like pickles. Two of Debbie's friends, Gina (another Gina) and Brittany, dancers at the Pussycat and lovers, turned me onto it.

I got extremely high. I loved it when they all came over. Occasionally the sweet smell of the salty air would sweep across the room, and I felt like I had found a home. My sister felt more like a roommate than a guardian. I would wake up to go to school, and there would be a note, always with a song reference thrown in, like from the band Wham, and there would be $5 or $10 on top of the note. She made me feel like an adult. I loved that about her. School lunch was free, so I would pocket the money and buy smokes or pizza on the beach. Don't get me wrong; if I screwed up, she was all over me. But it was more like a look she would give me. Sort of saying, Really, dude?

If I did get punished, it was never severe and never lasted that long. Most of the time, it was extra babysitting duty for her daughter, my niece Desiree. I was left to my own devices for most of that Summer and pretty much all the Fall. I never got into any real trouble. Not yet anyway. The freedom that Debbie offered me in a strange way taught me a lot of responsibility. I could come and go as I pleased if I wasn't out all night and if I didn't come home fucked up. Which never really happened. My disease hadn't progressed at all. In fact, it had only just begun. At that age, I had no idea I was an alcoholic. Nor did I give a shit, really. To me, it was only beer, and it wasn't every night. So I didn't see a problem at all.

Everyone in the neighborhood drank the same way. I miss that time in Revere with Debbie. I miss that early age of discovery and feeling free. She taught me a valuable lesson. Not to take life too seriously. It's gonna happen anyway. Debbie passed away from stomach cancer not long after my Brian died. At this time, she was living in Clemson, South Carolina, with her daughter Desiree. She didn't let on as to how serious it was until the very end, and by then, she was gone—another loss.

High school didn't last very long. I left school in my freshman year. I went to work doing anything and everything I could to make money legally. I ended up on a framing crew in Revere with a high school buddy and his brother-in-law, building houses. They started their own business, and business was good. I was learning a new trade, working outside, and having a great time making good money. We were a four-man crew, and it would usually take us about seven days to frame a house from form to finish, which is rather good for four guys.

By this time, I had found an apartment on McClure Street right behind the high school. A furnished one bedroom with a landline. An old rotary phone. The drapes in the bedroom were so thick that not a ray of sunlight could get in. A dark, dark maroon. Vampiric. It had a queen-size bed and a kitchenette. Everything a kid needed. $400 a month. And with my framing job, I was making $400 a week in cash. So, I had a little bit of savings going. The weekend warrior in me was still alive and kicking. I was very disciplined during the week, but come Friday night, it was on. Usually the same thing, a shitload of beers, and riding around with friends, listening to music, and smoking weed.

I loved that little apartment. It was my first time living all alone. I was very disciplined. Food shopping, bills, work. I never missed a day of work. The weekends brought the beers and riding around, and all-day Saturday meant basketball. Pickup games with friends. Serious competition, though. I loved it. This was when I began lifting weights. I had grown to 6’ 2" in height, but I was skinny. I witnessed a pretty bad bar fight, and it triggered something in me. I joined a gym the next day and got after it. Seeing that fight brought me back to the helplessness I felt as a kid being physically unable to stop the violence I witnessed and was subject to. No more! I was determined to become as strong as I possibly could so that no one could ever hurt me or a loved one again.

So that’s what I did and still do to this day. I never need motivation to tear it up at the gym. Everything I do is done with full force and all my strength. To make it impossible for you to hurt me. I have done well. Thanks to my rage and my insatiable appetite, I am still the same height but much larger and much stronger.

My home, work, and gym routine went on for quite some time. Dare I say I might have been happy for a little bit? I enjoyed it all. I became an expert thrift shopper—a bargain hunter for food, clothing, and anything I could get on the cheap.

Revere is not that big of a town, so on those Friday nights, we would drive around to different pockets of the city to drink and smoke with different clicks. Fistfights never lasted long, and the beefs were usually squashed right away, or lifelong grudges were born. No in-between, really.

Chapter Three

Coming Up

At around seventeen, I started to explore my homosexuality. I always knew I was gay. By the way, people, and I can't believe everybody doesn't know this, being gay is not a choice. I've been asked many times when I decided to be gay. I usually ask straight people the same question. When did you decide to be heterosexual? They usually shut up after that.

After a night of drinking and riding around listening to rock and roll (David Coverdale and the mighty Whitesnake took over the country that summer with their self-titled album, that shit was everywhere), I would split off from the crew and walk to a stretch of the beach known for late-night cruising for gay men. I couldn't wait to get there on a Friday or Saturday night. Usually both. What seemed like an endless menu of strangers making themselves available for sins of the flesh were readily abundant. And I, with a good buzz going from a night of beers and Bon Jovi, was like a kid in a candy store. It was fantastic.

It was about a 100 yard stretch of seawall directly across the street from the M.D.C Police Department. The Metropolitan District Commission. It