Preparing for Life: How to Help One's Children Become Mature and Responsible Adults

Preparing for Life: How to help one’s children to become mature and responsible adults

First published in England by

Kube Publishing Ltd

Markfield Conference Centre, Ratby Lane,

Markfield, Leicestershire, LE67 9SY,

United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0) 1530 249230

Email: [email protected]

Website: www.kubepublishing.com

Copyright © Muhammad Abdul Bari 2022 All rights reserved.

The right of Muhammad Abdul Bari to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

CIP data for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-84774-186-8 Paperback

ISBN: 978-1-84774-187-5 Ebook

Cover Design by: Jannah Haque

Contents

Introduction

1. Raising one’s ‘little angels’ as God’s stewards on earth

2. The need to invest in one’s children

3. Love and care at the heart of raising children

4. Enthusing good reading habits in the family

5. Motivating one’s children

6. Bridging generational and cultural gaps

7. Consistency in using discipline techniques

8. Helping one’s children to find true friends

9. Tackling teenage issues sensitively

10. Instilling family values in one’s children

11. Core duties and basic rights in the family

12. Building an understanding of give-and-take

13. Looking after the elderly and showing them respect and compassion

14. Being aware of children’s online activities

15. Safeguarding one’s children from harm

16. Assisting one’s grown-up children in their marriage

17. Family, faith and the future

18. Instilling awareness in one’s children about human equality

Conclusion

Index

Introduction

Modern life has brought with it many opportunities as well as several challenges. Complex social issues are continuously emerging in families and communities. While technological progress has made life much easier and the world is becoming ever smaller, people are also suffering from the onus of being too engrossed in electronic gadgets to the detriment of a normal life and direct human communication.

The mass introduction of smartphones and the spread of the internet are keeping people incredibly busy with social media. While technological devices have helped to enhance people’s education and entertainment, they have also created an information overload and heightened a culture of individualism, self-indulgence and consumerism. Young children are often left alone, for various reasons, with smartphones or iPads becoming their constant friends. As parents are getting busier, these devices become like nannies for some little children. Experts are warning that, if unsupervised and overused, these devices can have a harmful effect on young brains. The easy access to pornography and extremist materials is also a real concern for parents, as they are a danger to their natural growth and safety.

Reduced human contact with young people is becoming a source of great worry. In fact, human interaction in today’s world among people living under the same roof has significantly diminished. People are always in a hurry, with little time to think, just as they are increasingly becoming loners. They hardly have time for others, be it their families, neighbourhoods or communities.

The family, with what it entails of love and sharing and caring, has always been the bedrock of human society. But this institution has been weakened in recent decades in developed societies and elsewhere. The fast increasing lack of interaction among family members is widening the generational and cultural gaps between the young and the old. The rise in mental health problems, anti-social behaviour and violence is costing people socially and economically.

It is the responsibility of the adults in the family and community to redress this growing imbalance in people’s lives; they must keep on building and strengthening their families and neighbourhoods. People cannot afford to succumb to the pressures of life’s grinding machine and inhibit their children’s physical, mental and emotional development. They must find enough time for their families and raise their children, proactively and creatively, as decent human beings and good citizens.

In these days of growing social tension, economic inequality and political uncertainty as well as increasing intolerance, identity confusion and lack of compassion towards one another it is one’s added responsibility to invest in one’s children’s upbringing and their overall wellbeing. One’s children are one’s future and trust (Arabic: Amānah), they need to be reared and cared for effectively in order for them to be well-equipped to create a better world.

Faith is in a flux in developed, secular and pluralist societies. Some people consider it to be of no value while others have become dogmatic and insular due to the faith they cling to, but many are simply confused. Universal human values and the teachings of different faiths have always provided people with a moral anchor and spiritual solace in the past and they have the ability to do so in the future.

As a civic activist in communities and a teacher in inner city state schools, particularly in the East End of London since the mid-1980s, I have been a keen observer of young people growing up with economic difficulties and social deprivation. I have observed how parents, communities and religious institutions try their best to raise their children with growing constraints amidst real-life challenges. Nowadays, an increasing number of people is becoming fearful of other potential pitfalls relating to their children such as sexual exploitation and radicalisation.

As a behaviour-specialist teacher in Tower Hamlets, I started running parenting courses, since the late 1990s, first on the internet, and then I ran a culturally sensitive course: Strengthening Families, Strengthening Communities. Later on, in the mid-2000s, I developed my own Building Families course that I have been occasionally running in Britain and some other global cities, which I kept improving on. A few years ago, when I took an early retirement from teaching, I launched a social enterprise, AmanaParenting Ltd. The Building Families course is about developing a whole child within the family and community contexts in a pluralist society, but with an ethos of inclusivity and an emphasis on the universal values of faith.

This book is the outcome of my long experience in working with families and young people, particularly those of Muslim persuasion, in an increasingly secularised society. Post-7/7 Britain has put British Muslims at the sharp end of serious challenges, such as higher levels of prejudice, discrimination and Islamophobia. At the same time, the Muslim community has huge opportunities to perform better with its educational and economic achievements and also to flourish by working with others for a better Britain. This book is a humble reminder to parents about multi-faceted parenting to help their children prepare for life with the ethos of universal human and Islamic values.

1

Raising one’s ‘little angels’ as God’s stewards on earth

Anewborn baby is a bundle of joy and a treasure in any family; a little angel sought after by parents, especially mothers. This ‘love’ comes following pain, after a nine-month long pregnancy which can only be experienced by women. That is why the mother’s position is higher than that of the father’s in all religious and cultural traditions. ‘Paradise lies at the feet of the mothers,’ 1 said Islam’s Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). Women have to be particularly careful about their own health, food habits and lifestyle during pregnancy.

Pregnancy is a ‘sacrifice’ that some women avoid making in today’s consumerist culture because of their busy lives and individualistic frames of mind. But this unique experience to feel and see a living being growing inside their bodies must be thrilling. A woman’s life changes irreversibly from the moment she learns that she is pregnant. She carries the growing foetus until the painful delivery of the baby after about 40 weeks of pregnancy. The nurturing of the baby through a long process including the weaning period which happens after about two years, and then raising the child to adolescence is hugely demanding but it is also blissful. It takes a long time for human babies to become adults!

Once the baby is born, its parents can face tremendous difficulties, due to their irresistible love and the sheer pressure that ensues from dealing with their tiny little ‘bundle of joy’ that only knows how to demand. Just learning to take care of the little one physically, feeding and nappy-changing for instance, can be overwhelming. The parents’ routine changes and they sleep less and insufficient rest can cause fatigue and post-natal depression in mothers. In two-parent families, the fathers help the mothers in looking after their newborn babies; in one-parent families, single parents learn how to manage on their own. Extended family members may provide help, if they are around but eventually life gradually becomes normal.

The demands that come with newborn babies also bring with them their own joy. Babies have a magnetic attraction because of their innocent looks, smiles and cooing sounds. Their total dependence on adults proffer on the parents worth and importance in life. Whatever their babies’ demands are, the presence of the parents, particularly the mothers, provides physical closeness, love and security, which babies need most in their early days.

As babies grow, there is a need to adopt a gradual and natural ‘programme’ for their independence. This requires careful planning and positive parenting throughout all the stages of childhood; basic parenting ‘skills’ are essential.

Babies know naturally how to communicate and, as they grow older, they also learn ‘techniques’ to relate meaningfully to the world. They gradually recognise their mothers, fathers and other members of the family. They see, hear, observe, respond and keep on learning. Countless pieces of information pile up in their brains which tend to overwhelm their understanding