How To Do Life: A Buddhist Perspective

SECTION ONE

Living a Fulfilling Life

Chapter One

Right Vision, Big Vision

From the Buddhist point of view, if we are to think about a fulfilling life, it should include two different goals: the distant goal and the more immediate goal. The distant goal is enlightenment. The immediate goal is to do the best one can to lead a life that has some meaning and significance and to not squander one’s opportunities. In order to do that, one also needs to contemplate on the distant goal. In other words, to truly have a fulfilling life, one needs to try to integrate these two different goals. One should be aiming toward enlightenment in an extremely serious manner. We should not think that it is somewhere in the distant future, as if it is not going to happen to me or that it is not real. We should also not think that enlightenment is all there is; thinking that it is all one should be aiming toward. It is not helpful to think that one’s daily life experiences, because they happen to be part of our everyday life, are a samsaric delusional state and therefore, do not merit any serious attention. Similarly, it is not helpful to think that our everyday life experiences are trivial, superficial, or illusory, and our ultimate goal, the attaining of enlightenment, is the only thing that really counts.

Generally speaking in Buddhism, we do not simply aim for the ultimate goal without considering our immediate goals. The integration of these two goals allows us to have a meaningful life, one of significance. Integrating the two brings meaning and significance to our life. This is done in order to develop our relationship with ourselves, others, the phenomenal world, and ultimate reality. Throughout this first section, we will follow these themes and elaborate on how we can inject more meaning into our lives.

First, we will speak about the two goals. In order to integrate and sustain the two goals, we need to develop a clear and expansive vision. Having right vision is an important part of making an effort to achieve the objective of making our lives more significant. We will not succeed if we have the wrong type of vision or a small vision. Therefore, having the right vision from the beginning is an important part of this. What is the right vision? It can be described in many different ways but fundamentally speaking, from the Buddhist point of view, the right or proper vision means that we need to have a bigger vision. Our vision should not be limited or constricted. We can only think about attaining enlightenment and simultaneously have aspirations of things to achieve on a daily basis if we have a bigger, more inclusive vision. A big vision is extremely important because if we have small vision, whatever actions we perform or tasks we take on are going to be limited by that vision. Therefore, having a big vision is an important part of giving ourselves the proper encouragement and feedback.

As samsaric beings, we are often quite conditioned to have small visions or to approach bigger visions in an unachievable way. We are conditioned by our egoic preoccupations and obsessions that subsequently limit us. With egoic preoccupations and obsessions come negative thoughts, nagging doubts, thoughts of suspicion, and fears and anxieties in terms of one’s capacity and what we are aiming for. We may think, This is not possible. It can’t possibly happen. It may not be real. What if it is all illusory? I don’t have the capacity to realize that goal. I can’t perform this task. I can’t do this job. From the Buddhist perspective, we need to learn to break through the walls that we have erected around ourselves due to egoic paranoia. Buddhism says that we have erected many varieties of walls around ourselves and these become a form of entrapment. We create a prison for ourselves.

When we have a big vision, we are already challenging the dominance of our egoic perceptions and obsessions. Our ego can be a very fragile entity according to the Buddhist way of thinking, and it is incapable of having a truly great vision that is realistic. If ego has some kind of big vision, it is a counterfeit one—fanciful and fabricated. Because ego is a fragile entity, it is easily disappointed, hurt, and wounded. This may then interfere with our efforts to succeed in all of our endeavors, including our spiritual practices. Time and time again, the Buddhist masters have reminded us that ego interferes with our spiritual endeavors because the ego sees what we are doing from a particular perspective—some sense of a fixed, sometimes insecure and brittle, highly conditional self-identity. If things are not working out in the way that ego demands, the ego becomes threatened and may even disintegrate, often described as an identity crisis that may be mild or severe.

From the perspective of Buddhism, if we truly want to have real vision, we do not put our complete and total trust in our egoic identity, but rather, we develop trust in the ground of our own being, our authentic being.¹ The egoic entity/identity is a superficial everyday life form of identity that we may inadvertently cling on to. In reality, our identity lacks any real stability. Therefore, from the Buddhist view, the reason we can feel so frustrated with some of our activities and the outcomes we experience, why we may feel like a failure, is because it is in ego’s nature to see things in that fashion. From the Buddhist point of view, we cannot have a big vision if we are looking from a fixated egoic viewpoint. To have a big vision, one has to develop trust in one’s authentic state of being. In that way, we can be on more stable ground so that if there are fluctuations or difficulties and we fail sometimes, we are not traumatized or wounded by the failure. Outcomes can be experienced within a broader perspective and not taken so personally, thus providing greater opportunities for personal growth and an accumulation of better understanding, appreciation, and wisdom.

Ego makes many unrealistic demands on us. We may try to meet those demands but the ego is rarely fully satisfied. Therefore, no matter what we do, even when we achieve a goal and succeed at a task or venture, our ego may remain dissatisfied and discontent. We may never feel good enough, rich enough, or whatever the case may be. We may always feel that we could have done better or that external circumstances are against us. There is always some variety of subconscious activity informing us that we have done a bad job, are not trying hard enough, could have done better, or deserve more.

The fundamental and vital starting point is that our big vision should be seen from our own expansive and authentic state of being’s point of view and not from the limited, egoic perspective. From the standpoint of the ego, the view changes from moment to moment, day to day, month to month, and year to year. Therefore, it is unreliable and may create instability. This is not to say that ego has no function at all. In Buddhism, we do recognize that ego has a function. Presenting ourselves, our identity, in a fairly consistent manner to others helps in all kinds of communication and interactions. Our egoic identity can help others to know who they are dealing with. It helps to have a consistency and to be reliable. In that way, one can demonstrate one’s strengths and how one can be useful, helpful, and relied upon, et cetera. It is important for the ego to function well, but it should not define us. Identity is an aspect of us but it should not be given total and complete control over our lives. As samsaric beings, we are normally looking at ourselves from the standpoint of seeing our ego or identity as all or most of what and who we are.

One of the fundamental points is recognizing the limitations of the ego. The other is to become cognizant that there is so much more. We need to develop trust in our original, authentic state of being, our buddha nature. Using a Buddhist analogy, we make an effort to plant white seeds, positive thoughts and emotions. In other words, ego is accustomed to thinking in an extremely negative manner. All of the negative thoughts and emotions arise due to ego’s struggle with paranoia, insecurity, and demands. To counter that, we need to teach ourselves to think more about positive things. This is the case whether it is in relation to engaging in our daily activities or our spiritual activities such as meditation practices. We need to approach our thinking about our lives in a more positive manner. Learning to inculcate positive thoughts and emotions—the planting of white seeds in the psyche—is important in developing our ability to sustain the bigger vision by developing trust in our authentic, genuine state of being. Further, engendering positive thoughts and emotions provides perspectives that also help progress our more immediate goals.

I have seen it said, even in certain Buddhist literature, that we should not, for example, aspire to achieve certain levels of perfections as they are not real, and because they are not real, we will be disappointed when they do not come true. This is suggesting that if we do not have high aspirations, we will not be disappointed. If we are not disappointed, we will be happier and our life will seem fulfilling. However, it may seem that way, but in reality, we cannot find real fulfillment if we have not reached or aspired to reach our full potential. From the Buddhist point of view, the idea that any discomfort or unpleasantness is necessarily bad for one’s psyche or mental well-being is completely misguided. Whether one aims high or low, as long as our mind has not learned to reorient itself, it will only think of defeat, failure, and mediocrity. It will not think in positive terms because ego is accustomed to thinking in negative terms. If we aim very low, even if we say, There is no such thing as success and it is all the same, this does not mean that we are going to avoid feeling like a failure or totally defeated by various obstacles, situations, circumstances, and other people.

Therefore, in Buddhism, our expectations need to be great. At the same time, one must have an idea about one’s capability at that given moment, which is not to say that this is the only capability that one possesses. Capabilities, capacities, can be cultivated and they are capable of growing. It is mistaken to believe that if we have high expectations and limited capacity, then the gap between the expectation and the capacity is such that it can never be bridged. It is not helpful to make that assumption. We need to rethink, reorientate, and recognize that our capacity can build and change. Even if the gap is not completely bridged, one may still experience growth. That is far better than never having tried to lift oneself above one’s normal functioning capacity. Just like the body that we can train to have greater capacity for endurance in terms of strength or oxygenation, in a similar manner, we can train other areas of our lives. We can have a clear and definite picture of the expectation that we have for ourselves and in terms of the goals that we want to achieve. If we have established that, then as we progress, we can sustain the bigger long-term vision that we set for ourselves. In this way, we can overcome constraining negative tendencies and habits of mind and body.

From the Buddhist point of view, too much emphasis is often placed on our life circumstances. For example, it can often be said that one cannot aspire for great things if one is raised by difficult parents, brought up in trying economic circumstances, or has limited education. From a Buddhist perspective, such circumstances have some influence because everything that we experience is dependent on varieties of causes and conditions. Some of these factors would have played a role in shaping the mental attitudes that we have developed. Capabilities may have also been shaped by some of these factors. However, according to Buddhism, it does not need to define us.

Even if an individual’s parent struggled with alcohol use or had other issues to contend with, this does not mean that this person is any less capable of becoming something that they wish to become. If the circumstances and situations have not been so favorable, it does not automatically follow that the person’s capacity is going to be limited for the rest of their life. Let us look at this from another perspective and picture a person who has come from a very prosperous family background, attended the best college and had a good education, and whose parents showered them with love and all the material things that they could wish for. Even in seemingly fortunate situations such as this, many people have not reached their potential. Under such circumstances, their capacity may not have been tested and they could remain underdeveloped. The environment within which we are born and grow up in will never be entirely conducive to reaching our full potential. Our personal circumstances, upbringing, and environment are not everything. What counts even more is the individual’s determination, having focus and aiming high, having great expectation and big vision. All of these qualities can inspire us to want to do more than we are already doing. This is an important part of the notion of bridging the gap between expectation and capacity. As I mentioned, capacity is something elastic. It is not fixed. We do not come into this world with a fixed quantum of capacity. Our capacities could diminish as we get older or they may increase, depending on how we are living our life. This would depend on whether we were living a fulfilling life, or alternatively, not living a fulfilling life.

The other point that we need to contemplate if we are to sustain our big vision is dealing with our past, in other words, not allowing our past experiences to spoil our present and future possibilities. As Buddhist teachings keep reminding us, the past is past. It happened and it is gone. It is no more but the present and the future on the other hand, are not a closed book like the past, but rather, pregnant with possibilities. When we allow ourselves to become victimized by our past, then every day, we would be failing to take advantage of the many opportunities that come our way. It can be difficult to see new opportunities if we are focused on making negative evaluations and assessments about ourselves, our life generally, and how we see the state of the world. We may be carrying negative assessments regarding many aspects of our lives, such as things we may have done and our relationship with our parents, friends, work colleagues, other people, et cetera. It is difficult to see a meaningful and positive way forward with such a mindset. We can carry around our past as a very heavy burden.

From the Buddhist point of view, if we want to live our life more fully, we need to deal with our past and just let that go of that so that we can take full advantage of the present. Otherwise, we allow the past to color all of the present situations and experiences, our relationships, job situations, and our perception of the world. When we do not see things with any kind of freshness, everything can be colored by how we have seen and experienced things in the past over many years. We continue to see these things in the same manner. This is part of the burden that we carry. We must get that burden off our backs.

Letting go of the past enables us to more easily recognize the good fortunes that do come our way, things that we normally may not see. Due to our egoic habitual preoccupation of always harping on the negative, even when good things happen, we may not recognize them. So often, it is only in hindsight that we realize how good things were. Therefore, along with letting go of the past, we need to truly recognize and acknowledge when good things are happening. We can otherwise be too busy dwelling on and reliving bad memories and experiences, past hurt, slights, and denigrations. When we are less burdened by our negative mind and can see that there are good things happening, we may be surprised how these occurrences can be quite frequent. In fact, on a daily basis, there are more good things happening in our lives than bad ones, but when bad things happen, even if only occasionally, we immediately latch on to them. If good things happen, we ordinarily take them for granted. We can feel that we are entitled to have these good things happening.

From the Buddhist point of view, taking things for granted is not a helpful attitude. It is a negative attitude that in itself, generates more negativity. Taking things for granted ensures that our painful experiences become more painful and our good experiences go largely unappreciated. The pleasure and enjoyment that we may have received from having these experiences would then have been radically reduced. When we lack appreciation, we lessen the pleasure we can experience from good things happening and experience more pain from bad or painful circumstances. From the Buddhist viewpoint, it is better not to think that when good things happen, I deserve it. This is how it should be. I am entitled to it. When bad things happen, we should avoid becoming completely enraged and incensed as if such things should never happen to us. According to Buddhism, change, upheavals, and the unexpected cannot be helped or avoided. That is how things are in the world and in life; they are impermanent and insubstantial, as the Buddhist literature constantly reminds us.

Taking things for granted may also exacerbate our sense of failure, depression, and feeling of inadequacy because a life can lack enjoyment. Therefore, having gratitude for all the blessings that we have received is an important part of living a good life. To lead a good life according to Buddhism is to have that sense of gratitude. When we feel gratitude, when we feel, I’m blessed to have this wonderful experience, the joy is then increased so that one’s life becomes more enriched. In that way, the attitudes that we cultivate determine whether we are having a fulfilling life or not. According to Buddhism, it is not just what a person was given at the time of birth in terms of physical attributes, intelligence, or socioeconomic background, but whether the individual has the resolve to want to make a difference and make an effort to better themselves—to set certain goals for oneself and then make the effort to work toward and attain those goals. Accommodating upheavals without seeing oneself as a victim means that whatever we encounter does not need to disturb or diminish our resolve.

In Buddhism, in relation to progressing on the spiritual path, one has two different types of goals, the immediate goal of leading a fulfilling life and the distant goal of enlightenment. In immediate terms, we need to learn to integrate spirituality with everyday life experiences. If we do that, we are already on our way to attaining the distant goal. Without attending to the immediate life experiences, we cannot do anything about the distant goal of enlightenment. Consequently, it is only from increasing a genuine sense of goodness in oneself that one becomes transformed. If one becomes transformed in a positive way, both psychologically and spiritually, one becomes that much closer to attaining the distant goal of enlightenment. These two goals therefore, are not separated. Sometimes people think that enlightenment has to be pursued at the expense of everyday life experiences and should be seen in total isolation. I would like to emphasize that these two goals are not mutually exclusive. In fact, proper application toward achieving one’s immediate goals done in an effective manner also leads us to enlightenment.

Both goals have to be seen as something real. It is easy and I suggest, often encouraged, for us not to have too much trust or faith in anything, even if it is simply an idea. According to Buddhism, this is self-defeating because underlying skepticism or cynicism could end up being at the root of most of our experience. Feelings such as despair and depression may become a pervasive attitude if we do not fundamentally believe in ourselves or anything else. If everything is treated in relation to its pragmatic value and use, and nothing is treated as having an intrinsic value or value in itself, we might think we can use other people, certain ideas, or anything at all, only for their use value.² We may even lose respect for ourselves and our own existence. That is not how one finds fulfillment in life. If we do not believe in anything, we would have nothing to genuinely nourish and nurture ourselves. However, if we have lofty ideals and these are truly good within themselves, they have the power to infuse our own lives and those of others with joy, affirmation, and a sense of positivity. We would then be less given to despair and depression. Such experiences of meaninglessness and despair can come from extreme skepticism, cynicism, doubt, and the tendency to look at everything critically. Thinking like this can remove enjoyment and pleasure even from simple things such as reading a good book or watching a nice movie. We could end up seeing everything with the crooked eye of criticism and cynicism.

The Buddhist view of developing a more positive attitude helps us to believe more in our own ideals and goals that we wish to attain, allowing our life to have greater meaning and fulfillment. We would also be in a position to be more generous and giving to others. Alternatively, we only have ego to rely on and ego is not a good guide. Egocentric insecurities are capable of leading us down the path of misery, despair, and catastrophe. One needs to develop a genuine sense of trust in oneself, in the authentic state of being, and in the distant goal of enlightenment. There must be some trust that enlightenment is real and not fabricated, trust that we can progress in this life, both on the mundane and the supermundane levels, and trust that this is real. Human beings can progress and attain and actualize higher and higher levels of their potentialities. This is all real. This is all possible. It is not made up. From Buddhist perspective, that is the way to begin on the spiritual path.

Such an approach provides a solid foundation from which to proceed. If we proceed in a tentative manner, any step that we take will be wobbly and those steps will not take us so easily to the destination because we are not sure-footed on the path. So to take confident steps on the path, one has to be standing on solid ground and that comes from a real belief in oneself. When we say self, this does not mean one’s egoic persona but belief in one’s genuine state of being and a genuine trust in all of the ideals that we wish to realize. We cannot realize those ideals if we ourselves hardly have the confidence to believe in them. I see this as the basic starting point of the spiritual path and having a fulfilling life. In the next three chapters, we will be following this theme of one’s relationship with oneself, with the world, with others, and one’s relationship with ultimate reality. This is where we start—with oneself—having some idea that all of these things that we want to do and realize are real and important and something that we can put our trust in.

Sometimes people are afraid to say such things fearing being branded a dogmatist or fanatic. But a dogmatist or fanatic is not someone who believes what they believe in a very strong manner, but rather, someone who wants to push their agenda onto others or prove them wrong. That is a different situation to what we are discussing here. I see no necessary relationship between having firm belief in certain things and being intolerant and disrespectful of others who have a different view.

Chapter Two

Relationship with Oneself and Positive Self-Image

There are four important themes that we will discuss over the next few chapters—one’s relationship with oneself, with the world and with others, and one’s relationship with ultimate reality. First, to reiterate briefly, in Buddhism, right from the beginning, we have to see the importance of having trust in one’s authentic state of being, which is also often called the ground of being or in some Zen and Tibetan literature, the original dwelling place. To lead a fulfilling life, we have to have a vision for our life. Without vision, it is difficult for us to actually go anywhere. It guides us. We also have to think in terms of a starting point. In this instance, we think of it in terms of our original, authentic state, our genuineness, and state of authenticity and not only in relation to our ego or normal everyday self. This is where we make our beginning. We approach our vision based on the original state of being. This also has to be seen as a way of overcoming egoic influences. Following this, all of our possibilities and potentialities can open up. The more that we rely on the limited view of our ego to save us, the more it does the opposite; it can let us down and we end up feeling like a failure, frustrated, and discontented. Our egoic perspective can go on in this way and life becomes an ongoing struggle. Rather than developing a sense of ease, there may be a sense of dis-ease as a continual companion in the course of our lives. Therefore, we need to recognize this limitation and instead adopt a better attitude toward our past and current life and do this on a daily basis. We are capable of freeing ourselves from past, unresolved issues. For one, we can avoid relying too much on our past circumstances and external influences to define us, including those from our parents. This is an important part of ensuring that we are free to redefine ourselves and not caught in a static and excessive focus on the ego.

Taking this into account, it is important that we develop a positive image of ourselves. Based on the idea that we have to start the journey, guided by our goals, we need to work toward our many goals, spiritual and mundane, and our job is to integrate the two aspiration fields. With regard to mundane goals, as long as they are worthwhile pursuing, we should pursue whatever it is that we want. The fundamental point is that whatever mundane goals we wish to pursue should be in synch with our pursuit of spiritual goals. There must be harmony rather than tension between the two. Some believe that what is worldly and what is spiritual must always be in conflict or separated. However, in actuality, there is no contradiction. Of course, they can be in conflict if we are pursuing the wrong kind of objectives in our life; they may then come in conflict with our spiritual pursuits, especially if a pursuit is guided by egoic preoccupations and obsessions.

In the previous chapter, I spoke about the negative influences that we experience, arising not only from external sources, but also from the negative thoughts and emotions that we continuously indulge in. These may create a very poor image of ourselves in the mirror of our mind and that of others and the world. How we see ourselves is very important. If we want to do something, first we have to look at ourselves and clearly see the answer to the question, How do I see myself? According to Buddhism, due to our egoic entanglements and all of the emotional complexities and confusions that we have generated, we have an extremely poor image of ourselves, or at least, a very distorted one. Whatever image we have of ourselves would then come through in terms of what we think and say and how we interact with others. Contemplating how we see ourselves and the influence that this view has on our quality of life is important in relation to our ability to lead a fulfilling life. What we see in ourselves, how we see ourselves, and whether or not we think of ourselves as somebody of worth and with value, makes a difference. If we hold on to and indulge in varieties of distorted views about ourselves, such as thinking, I’m unattractive, unintelligent, and insignificant, it creates an image of ourselves that we end up really believing in. This ends up coloring every aspect of our interactions and relationships with the world, others, and ourselves. Buddhism does not say that one should not be concerned about developing a healthy sense of self. Developing a healthy sense of self is an important part of Buddhist practice.

Rather, Buddhism says that the more we are caught up in our egoic fantasies, dreams, and aspirations, the harder it is to establish a proper, healthy self-image. This may be contrary to what many people believe that Buddhism is saying. It is often assumed that Buddhism says we should let go of, transcend, go beyond, or at least, ignore the ego. That is not what is intended in Buddhism. If we try and get rid of the ego, we may create a huge problem, especially if one is already grappling with some sense of low self-esteem. From a Buddhist perspective, low self-esteem and egoic preoccupation go hand-in-hand. They are not separate. From a Buddhist standpoint, it would be a self-defeating exercise to prop up a sense of ego in order to overcome low self-esteem because low self-esteem is a direct result of egoic preoccupation. It can be seen as a type of self-obsession. The more we constantly compare and contrast ourselves with others, the more our self-esteem may be negatively affected: Am I attractive enough? Am I intelligent? Am I this? Am I that? Am I making as much money as the next person? Am I good enough? Am I as good as somebody else at work? Whatever it might be, this constant distraction of comparing ourselves with others can gradually erode our self-esteem. Our ego preoccupation can become more entrenched and our self-esteem more brittle in response to our assessment of ourselves in relation to others. It may also be a distraction in terms of what we personally believe to be important goals in our lives. Our sense of self can be too highly dependent on our circumstances and what others may value, rather than our own values.

From the Buddhist point of view, it does not help to try to reinforce one’s sense of ego. This does not make our ego stronger, even though generally speaking, this is what we normally do as samsaric beings. A healthy self-image comes from feeding ourselves positive thoughts and emotions, thinking of ourselves in a more positive light. Even if we think of ourselves as being a certain way, still, we can be flexible rather than fixed in terms of our capacities and abilities. We can always become more and become something new. The future is open. It is not a closed book. This is one of the main reasons working on letting go of the past is vitally important. Otherwise, we are trapped within a fixed self-image. If we try and solidify our life story, if we see ourselves as a particular person who suffered in a particular way at the hands of a particular person or people, et cetera, we may become unable to move forward. One has to envision, visualize, and imagine oneself becoming the person that one wants to become. We need to allow ourselves this freedom. Doing this helps instill a positive self-image. If we are convinced that we are burdened with the past—with past guilt, regret, disappointment, sense of failure, feeling unloved, unappreciated, and disrespected, or even afraid to make similar errors, et cetera, we can try picturing ourselves differently, free of such shackles. We can allow ourselves to see ourselves freshly, more like the person we want to be. The past is capable of entrenching us in such a way that we can find no respite from our past sadness and disappointment. The more we feel like this, the more our self-esteem is negatively affected. As it is said in Buddhism, the self-image that we wish to develop has to be pictured, envisioned, and visualized. We have to see ourselves as becoming anew. We then need to inject a good dose of conviction into this. We want to avoid thinking, I’m just imagining that. Imagining it won’t make any difference. Everything that we do, we first imagine, and then we can move toward making it happen. There is nothing of any significance that we do where we have not first imagined it. Why should it be any different when it comes to our sense of self and self-image? If we imagine a greater and stronger sense of self, it will be to our betterment.

Buddhism speaks about self-power and other-power. When we have a sense of power, we are happy. When we are enslaved by others, of course, we are not happy because we must do the other’s bidding. When we are tied down in that fashion with someone else holding the reins, it is difficult to be happy. This notion of self-power and other-power occurs even within oneself and this is where Buddhism is quite different. Everyone recognizes that to be enslaved, to be in servitude, is not good and to be free, to have a sense of self-empowerment, is good. According to Buddhism, when the ego is reigning supreme, we are not free, we have handed our freedom over to our ego. This then reduces our sense