I Do: A Christian Guide to Marriage

Copyright © 2019 Kari Quijas.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-7214-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-7213-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-7215-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019911793

WestBow Press rev. date: 9/17/2019

Thank you, Jesus,

for the gift of marriage.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all those beautiful couples out there trying to get it right with everything they have. They are the ones who want to save their marriages and become better people in the process, endeavoring to love the one person whom God gave them to marry in Jesus’s name.

To those who said, I do, and I meant it. Now let’s work it out.

Anyone can quit, but it takes strength and character to work through problems and learn to love unconditionally. The book is also intended to help the single person make the best choice for their marriage partner.

Through wisdom is a house built;

and by understanding it is established;

And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled

with all precious and pleasant riches.

—Proverbs 24:3–4

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand’ring mark,

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.

Love’s not time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle’s compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me prov’d,

I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.

—William Shakespeare

Contents

Preface: My Wedding Day

Part 1

The Beginning

Chapter 1     Frank and Kari

Two Ordinary People

Chapter 2     What Is Marriage?

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)

Part 2

Before You Say I Do

Chapter 3     Expectation and Vision of Marriage

Chapter 4     The Engagement Period

Chapter 5     Headship In Marriage Part I.

The Husband’s Role

Chapter 6     Headship in Marriage Part II.

The Wife’s Role Help Meet

Part 3

Building a Happy Marriage

Chapter 7     Investing in Your Spouse

Chapter 8     Know Your Partner

Chapter 9     Creating a Beautiful Marriage

Chapter 10   Seven Simple Scriptures on Marriage

Part 4

Ministry Perspective

Chapter 11   A Pastor’s Wife’s Perspective

Chapter 12   Sister A: My Gift

Chapter 13   Sister Panui Shepard’s Chapter

Chapter 14   Sister Daisy Bennett’s Chapter

Waiting for my David

Part 5

Inviting Jesus In

Chapter 15   Inviting Jesus into Your

Marriage (Me, You, and Jesus)

Chapter 16   Healthy Communication

Chapter 17   Power of Intimacy

Chapter 18   Marriage and the Palm Tree

Part 6

Healing

Chapter 19   Reconciliation—How We Put Our Marriage

Back Together

How Do You Measure Success?

Chapter 20   Forgiveness and Marriage

Chapter 21   Forgiveness … So We May Forgive

Chapter 22   Forgiveness Impacts Our Health

Chapter 23   A Brand New Day

Part 7

Help the Younger Generation to Make Wise Choices

Chapter 24   21st Century CHRISTIAN ALLEGORY

Chapter 25   How the book came to be

In Conclusion

Notes And Bibliography - List Of Book References

About the Author

Prayer

Father in heaven, give today your blessings.

Thank you for the gift of marriage. Please help us as wives to love our husbands. Help us to show them the respect and honor they deserve as head of our homes. LORD, please help our men to cherish their wives and care for them in the way You spoke of, Even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. (Ephesians 5:25).

LORD God, I pray that our Christian marriages will be holy examples for all the world to see. I pray that the light of Christ would shine from our hearts giving hope for all those who will come to Him. Father, you are LOVE. Teach us to love one another sincerely as You love. May our lives bring You glory and lead others to Christ, in Jesus’ name I pray.

Amen.

Acknowledgments

I offer a special thank you to all the writers of I Do, including the following:

– Sister A., who chapter twelve, My Gift,

– Sister Panui Shepard, who wrote chapter thirteen, Rainbow Treasures,

– Sister Daisy Bennett, who wrote chapter fourteen, Waiting for My David,

– Sister Kimberly Griffith, who wrote the poem Let Your Wind Blow, and

– Brother Ron Hodges, chapter eighteen, The Palm Tree.

(These are my personal notes from his sermon.)

Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart:

so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.

—Proverbs 27:9

Thanksgiving

We are so thankful to the men and women who put together Christian Life Church’s annual Ladies Advance Conference. Thank you to the CLC ministry and leaders. Thank you, Kim Haney, and your ministry team. Thank you for your fasting, prayers, and intercession. Thank you for walking in your anointing and serving the Lord. Our lives are better because of your love and service to Jesus Christ. You have blessed so many Christian families.

Thank you to the CLC praise singers and musicians. Thank you for your talents, gifts, and beautiful voices. Thank you for your dedication to practice and heartfelt prayers during services. What you do helps the congregation usher in the presence of the King of Kings and creates an atmosphere for the miraculous to happen. You help to open our hearts so that we can receive the message of God.

Thank you for the CLC lay ministry and special volunteers. Thank you for all your help, patience, and faithfulness behind the scenes. Your contributions means everything to Jesus, our Lord, and to all the ladies blessed this November 2018 weekend in Monterey, California.

The ladies and I were inspired by what everyone shared at that meeting. This book was birthed out of laughter, tears, and the love we experienced.

Preface: My Wedding Day

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing,

and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

—Proverbs 18:22

My father and I stood in the doorway of First Church in San Jose, California, on September 15, 2000. With my hand nestled in his arm, he smiled at me. We were both so nervous. The piano keys played the familiar wedding march. Da, dum, da ah. That was our cue. The ceremony began, and the congregation stood up to face us. Unexpectedly, my first step went forward right into the hem on the long lace under my ivory wedding dress. I thought it would all rip. I’m stuck, I thought to myself. If I take another step forward, it’s all coming down! My dear father had no idea of what was happening right next to him. Nor did any of the guests watching this blessed event. My mind raced, and a conversation came to mind. The practical words of my grandmother echoed inside my head. Dear, if the elastic on your slip breaks and you feel it falling, just walk right out of it, and keep going. No one will know it’s yours! I reflected quick and said within me, "Oh, no Grandma Stock, I can’t walk out of this one!" I shook the image from my mind. As a young woman I had always made sure that the catastrophe of losing my slip would never happened to me, and it wasn’t going to happen on this special day! It amazes me how fast neurons and synapses fire within your brain, transmitting images unearthed by the flood of adrenaline and fear. I kept calm. I gently lifted my billowing dress an inch and brought my foot back out slowly, unraveling and releasing the tight grasp of the intertwined lace on my ankle and sequined four-inch heels. I gave my foot a quick shake, and it divinely loosed. Success! Oh, praise God! I thought and smiled at my dad. An overwhelming sense of relief washed over me. I now looked forward.

Frank waited for me at the altar next to our pastor, and his best man, his brother Jake. I knew my feet were standing on solid, holy ground in our Pentecostal church, and I was getting married again. My Christian conversion had transpired one year earlier: I had been born again of water and Spirit, and now I belonged to Jesus Christ. As my Great Shepherd, and Frank’s, too, our Heavenly Father would be a hundred percent responsible for us and our marriage. Somehow that gave me great comfort. I wouldn’t be relying on my own strength, but God’s. Frank, Brittany and I were in His loving care. God would be the glue in my marriage. I was determined. This time would be different! Today was the beginning of my happily ever after with Frank and Jesus. I arrived on the mark in the front of the floral decorated altar. I heard my pastor say, Who gives this woman away? I looked at my dad. He was so proud. Her mother and I do. My father cleared his throat. He leaned over and kissed my cheek, and then he went and sat down by my mother. They both were in the front of the church, seated side by side with my sister, Robin. Frank and I were to turn and face each other, and the song by Jaci Velasquez, When I Found You, I Was Blessed would play. I laugh now, but you don’t realize how long a song is until you are facing each other in church, and everyone is watching and listening. It was a familiar song for that time in history and one of my favorites. It only played that year and then was lost and forgotten in Christian pop. Many people were hearing the song for the first time, like Frank’s sister and husband, Debbie and Danny; his mother, Frances; his father, Jacob Sr., even my parents, Michael and Ursula, and my sister, Robin.

"As long as stars shine down from heaven

And the rivers run into the sea

Until the end of time forever

You’re the only love I’ll need

In my life you’re all that matters

In my eyes the only truth I see

When my hopes and dreams have shattered

You’re the one that’s there for me"

— Jaci Velasquez

Weddings can seem so ordinary to us, we sometimes forget how spiritual they are. Ceremonial vows are consecrated in the heavens and on earth, safeguarded by His heavenly host of angels. All stand to attention and all is recorded in the Lamb’s book of life - inside the simple traditional wedding ceremony. As I reflect back during this moment in time, I can see clearer that as one chapter of my life (my twenties) concluded I was gently handed to the next. Now in my early thirties, my father gave my hand to Frank. God’s redemptive power and love was demonstrated in a romantic twilight ceremony with candlelight. Frank took my hands, and I looked into his eyes. Frank looked so handsome in his tuxedo. His short hair was gelled and combed back nicely. He smiled at me. My heart was pounding. Next, came the part of our wedding vows. Vows would be declared by us to one another, but we did not write them. Our Pastor, Jonathan Shoemake wrote out our marriage vows. In his wisdom he had prepared three sets of wedding vows for this day—one set was for me to pledge to Frank (as my husband). One set of wedding vows was for Frank to say to me, (as his bride), and lastly, our Pastor would ask Frank to say vows to my nine-year old daughter, Brittany.

How sweet to have wedding vows from a stepdad to a stepchild. I had never seen or heard of that, or even seen that since. It was perfect.

God never overlooks what we (human beings) may forget. You can be assured that if it’s important and it matters to God, it will come to pass! God would have Frank promise to young Brittany to love her and care for her in sickness and in health. He would publicly promise to never forsake her till death we do part. Four to five years after this event, (when Brittany went through her teen years), Frank would live out those vows and I would remind him of his promises to her. It ended all arguments when he remembered his pledge. It wasn’t easy, but there is something about being told You knew there would be hard times, helps to get through the difficult situation. Wedding vows are not just words on a page, they are promises that God holds us to.

Today, Brittany has a family and children of her own, and Frank is a great Papa. Frank promised to be Christlike to Brittany as her new stepfather, and Frank promised to treat me with respect and honor as his wife. I promised to love and support him forever, until we die. In the challenging years of our marriage, Frank would then remind me of my promises. And yes, it would end our fights. At the end of the Summer of 2000, I was a new graduate from Foothill College Radiology school. I was a new convert to Pentecost (a new creation in Christ), and now I was a newlywed.

God will load your world with flowers.

He hand-delivers a bouquet to your door every day.

Open it! Take them!

Then, when rejections come,

you won’t be left short-petaled

—Max Lucado, A Love Worth Giving

PART 1

The Beginning

Chapter 1

Frank and Kari

Two Ordinary People

Let thy work appear unto thy servants,

and thy glory unto their children.

And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us:

and establish thou the work of our hands upon us;

yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.

—Psalm 90:16–17

An Ordinary Couple

It’s 2019, Frank and I have been married nineteen years now. I feel my husband, Frank, quickly get up. The bed shifts. The sun has not risen yet, but my husband doesn’t need an alarm clock. The Lord wakes him up every morning. It’s a rare occurrence if he sleeps in. The bathroom light goes on. (I can hear the hum of the fan). My husband gets ready for work. I sense his movements around our room. I hear his footsteps in and out of the bedroom, but I still drift back to sleep easily. The bathroom cabinet opens and shuts with its familiar sound. The closet door opens. He grabs for his brown uniform sweatshirt, tan district shirt, and thick brown pants. His shirt bears the name of the Unified School District along with his name on the opposite pocket, QUIJAS. He sits on his favorite chair to lace up his heavy work boots. Like a game, I wait to see if he will close the closet door on his side, but it remains open even after I hear the front door slam. I hear him start up his truck, and he backs out of the rocks next to the driveway. We have enough space for two cars in the driveway, but he always shifts to the right and rests on the rocks that divide our home from our neighbor’s. This scene has played out for many years.

My mom duties start just as the sun is rising. Micah and Christa are my daughters from my marriage to Frank. Brittany is now independent and on her own. We are an ordinary American, Christian, Pentecostal family. I get my girls up for school, and I still help my teenage girls brush through their long, uncut hair in the morning. My girls are close to me and they ask, How’s this look? They do well, picking their own styles for their distinct personalities, and then wait for my approval. Yes, I like it. Looks good, I say. I was able to homeschool them for the last couple of years, until finally they both declared, I want to try public high school. They are sixteen and seventeen years old, and the time arrived where they wanted friends and their own school memories. Before they leave for class we recite Our Father, (Matthew 6). We say, The LORD is my Shepherd, (Psalm 23)," and we put our spiritual armor (Ephesians 6). I anoint their head with oil, and give them a squeeze. As we finish our prayers, they still kiss me before they leave the house. I watch them rush out the door with their school backpacks. Our high school is right around the block. I thank God for this experience.

The house settles down, and the atmosphere adapts to my personal solitude. I easily straighten up our home, do the dishes, fluff the pillows, fold the couch blankets, and pick up all the cups. The house gently flows back into order, my order. I finally get to enjoy these moments of my day. I quietly sit down to read my Bible and my French bulldog, Theo, nestles at my feet for company. I turn on my favorite Christian instrumental music and read my Bible verses. This scene plays out every day, and I love it! These are my quiet moments before my shift starts in the radiology department, and this is our Christian marriage—a very ordinary couple and a typical American family. And I think, Frank and I live out the great mystery. It seems so basic to me. I reflect, if I had the opportunity to share thoughts with a young couple or a newly married couple, what would I say to you? November 2018, I sat in a Ladies Conference and heard some very funny, intelligent women share from their hearts. There was no tape recording of the event for privacy and I have not included their stories unless I have had their permission to do so. Each of the ladies I spoke with at the event felt There needs to be a book about what we’ve experienced and learned this weekend. This is that book. Please forgive me as the section can bounce from two, maybe three perspectives; first the ones seeking marriage and second, for those already married. And third perspective, What I wish I could have done differently, but didn’t know how to.

My husband, Frank and I have a unique relationship. We met in church. He led outreach for years in San Jose; and I taught Sunday School. Before my husband’s ordination we sat on a pew and helped our church where it was needed: door knocking, outreach, prayer walks, or picking up people for church. We were sent out when phone calls came into the church and needed a Bible study, or for someone to come and visit them. Those were our beginnings, until one day an opportunity came where we could have our own congregation. We have pastored in Morgan Hill, California since 2008. I can assure you that our ministry together is an interwoven creation of us both. He the Pastor, and I his wife. Yet, I am very much his helpmeet. I am his cheerleader, or his conscious. We also both work full-time positions in secular jobs, so each of us understands very well how Satan tries to trip us up. When I read the below quote from Walter B. Knight, it reminded me of marriage.

Joy is the flag that flies over the castle of our hearts announcing that the king is in residence today.

—Walter B. Knight,

Knight’s Master Book of New Illustrations

We all want the King to be in residence each day of our lives. I pray and hope that my little work may help you find that place of joy, (as a billowing high flag) flying over the castle of your hearts!

Chapter 2

What Is Marriage?

"Let us walk this road together,

To see where it shall go.

It will come with twists and turns,

Which we’ve never seen before,

When the darkness night ellipse our view,

We shall hold on to each other’s hand.

Remembering the Scripture promises,

That our joy cometh in the morning.

Light shine, shine into the darkness!

And we shall see a new day dawning.

My love, God is right beside us,

His eye beholds each step we take.

Let us walk this road together,

Our Great Shepherd leading us the way.

—Kari Quijas

To my Husband, Frank

To begin this thought on marriage, let us look to our great Creator. Believe me when I say that creation, (humanity) knows it wonderful Creator, even if they have not called Him LORD, yet; it’s only a matter of time. Our soul has an internal and external homing device that can only be satisfied when placed back into the perfect union with our heavenly Father, or what’s called the process of reconciliation. Holy matrimony is just another step for humanity to understand the relationship of Jesus Christ and the Bride. To all the world, marriage finds its origin in the Jewish Holy Torah, (or later becoming our Old Testament of the Christian Bible). The story of Adam and Eve begins at least five thousand years ago. Before you read the words of Genesis, chapter two, which I have outlined below, I wish only that you could picture the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, Rome Italy. I refer you to Michelangelo’s Genesis Creation of the heaven and the earth. If you wish to take a moment to open a search to see it for yourself and then read chapter two of Genesis. Michelangelo’s work was painted from 1508-1512 and is the artist’s mind’s eye of that very moment in time.

Close your eyes for just a moment and be transported there with me, and I will do my best to be your guide. We are in Italy passing the North wall that is open to the public. We make our way through the endless lines of tourists waiting to get in.