Puzzle of Life

© 2016 Horseman. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/21/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4600-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4598-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4599-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016917797

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CONTENTS

Dedication

Preface

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

***Please note that I did omit some truths of some of the characters and have changed the names of all the characters as this is a story based on actual events in my life and in today’s day and age too much information opens the door for Identity theft as they say TMI. I figured some truths are better not said. And at this point in my Life again who cares? Who was right or who was wrong!! Everyone has a side to their story, A wiser person then I, once said there are 3 sides to a story, His, Hers and the truth. Let people Judge you, by the person they see and not the person they were told about, everyone sees what they want to see and from what I know, only the weak and unstable refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions and I have never been known as a weak person, unstable possibly, but I have Always Accepted Responsibility for my actions. The truth never lies and is always there for all to see; you just need to open your eyes.

DEDICATION

T his book is dedicated to my Beautiful Wife, the woman who not only saved my life but gave meaning to it and who is my one and only Soul Mate.

To my Children who I’ve always loved more then they will ever realize.

To my Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren who give me so much Happiness, that the mere sound of them calling me Grandpa makes me feel like maybe I did do something right at least for them.

PREFACE

I t’s funny but here it is the year of 2016 and now I’m 77 years old. I’m still trying to figure out what purpose did I serve on this Planet we call Earth. They say that Life is nothing more than a Puzzle, that you put together one piece at a time. But tell me what happens when the pieces of the puzzle don’t seem to fit? Maybe the pieces got mixed up with another puzzle, a person that was once in your Life by accident or maybe the pieces were there all the time, you just didn’t realize it and threw some of them away. Sort of like the saying He just threw his or her Life away.

Unfortunately I’m not like a Turtle, I’m a Human being and unlike a Turtle I can’t crawl back into my shell who fears for its life and thinks if you can’t see its head, all you will see is a rock and they, the enemy, the people who trying to hurt you will go away. When did it all start? When did this Nightmare start? Was it when I was born? Friday the 13th; that explains a lot. Was it seeing my Mother rot away to nothingness? Was it when my sister died because of me? Is my life so messed up that being alive only made my world go into a tail spin, spiraling downward that even Serving My Country with Honor only enhanced my feelings of despair? I served in several different branches of the Service and yet my proudest was as a Marine and yet they didn’t want me anymore so they Medically Discharged me when I needed them the most and final coupe de tai the Army Discharged me as well; but they had better reasons to do so. By the time I was 20 years old I was a basket case I saw too much and lived through too much too ever be declared Normal again. I started my Military career at the age of 13 ½ when I joined the New York National Guard; needless to say I lied about my age. I skirted death several times and asked myself many times, why?

As far as I can remember, my Life has been one mishap after another with a few bright spots in between.

Let’s take the Bright spots first, there weren’t that many. My wife Liz better known as Bets; married now for 35 years. She definitely saved me from continuing on my path to self-destruction and I almost lost the battle a few times. But through it all the ups and downs she hung in there by my side and gave me the strength to continue on in spite of the mental and emotional problems I was trying to handle from my past. The mind can drive you to the brink of insanity with the past and all you need is someone who Cares and Loves you enough to stop that feeling of despair that could take you to the brinks of Insanity.

Another bright spot are my children except for some of the heart aches that go with being a parent, I do love all my children more than any of them will ever realize as well as my Grandchildren and now I have two Great Grand Children who unfortunately I may never see; but I hope maybe one day I will get to see them. I found out Love as a Parent is and should be unconditional, and yet that doesn’t mean you have to accept what your Children say or do; you just Love them the same. I can’t control what my children say or think or do, but no matter what they are my children and I will always Love them. Children from broken homes could take the wrong path themselves and yet never realize it, especially when both of the parents did so before them, but I’m sure everyone already knows that, right?

Bright spots, pretty dismal to say the least, so on to the not so bright spots. Let’s see there was the day I found out that singing to God in Church or my nightly Prayers didn’t save my Mother from rotting away from Cancer of the Breast and Tumor of the Brain; all lies; she died anyway. No one should ever tell a child what I was told; Pray to God to help, Yes! But to say he will help someone get better if you Pray and Sing to him? Never! The day my Father sneaked me into the Hospital to see my Mom after not seeing her for over a year and then only to see her so frail; she was a skeleton with a layer of skin covering her bones and she pulls back the covers showing me her paralyzed arm and body then spits at my Father. That was a great thing for a 12 year old to see. How about watching my Father one of the strongest men I’ve ever known sit down in a corner and weep like a 2 year old and me having to watch this man become an alcoholic, and at 12 having to help him home after getting a call from the local bar that he frequented that I should come get him, this normally happens after he came home from the late afternoon visit at the Hospital to see my Mom. How about the day my Sister was killed in a car crash and I was the one driving the car and of course the other people who died where a Minster’s wife and their little Daughter. I was 17 at that time. The Horror of seeing men die, all before you reach the ripe old age of 20. Believe me I’m not looking for Pity but I am looking for closure to my messed up life and why and could I’ve avoided what happened to me? Some wrong decisions I’m sure, but the rest?

I was going to tell my side of the story on why my Marriages failed; but some might think it self-serving and in reality right now, who cares and least of all do I care what they thought of me or said about me? They both achieved what they wanted and that was tell Lies to my Children about me, the sad part was about 10 no let’s say 20% of what they told my Children was true the other 80% is what caused most of the Damage. I always wondered if I was that Bad why did they want me back so bad that they tried to destroy me with my children. I guess the old saying is true; Love and Hate really go together; not much separation there. My Children are all grown now and they have to make their own decisions on what was true and not true, as far as me telling them the truths about their Mother on what they did to help destroy our Marriage is no longer an option, it’s true I dislike not Hate everything they stand for as they could of let things go; I did, but no even up to 3 years ago they both decided to stick the knife in my back a little deeper and now we no longer even have the children now in common as far as I’m concerned. My Children never knew I Divorced there Mother as well and of course I’m talking about my 1st Wife. I could write a book on what I know about them but like I said, you have to care what they think and I certainly don’t; at least not anymore.

Am I bitter? I guess I am as I tried to be the better person and leave the past where it belongs in the past; they wouldn’t and now I’m done trying to be nice, I’m in the I don’t care mode and I should care as they’re the Mothers of my Children but the only decent thing I will do for them because they’re the Mothers of my children is I won’t say anything about them one way or the other. Believe me there’s always another side to a story, I’m just not going to tell it.

I guess they (my children) need to find and put their own Puzzle of life together; but aren’t their pieces intertwined with yours? Somehow doesn’t a Parent have to try to help their children put together their pieces of the puzzle; their life? Yet I found that when the children get older they no longer want their Parents advice, instead they seem to want to give their Parents advice. They will still have to find out on their own where their missing pieces are just like I’m doing; I only pray it’s not as difficult for them as it is for me. How much easier my life might have been if I took some of the advice my Father gave me; It’s true with age comes Wisdom, or as my Father would say. We Get Old Too Fast And Smart Too Late.

I need to stop as I’m getting way ahead of my story. I could go on but I don’t want to get too depressed before I even start looking for those missing pieces. I’m sure I’ll need to take many a time out as the truth sometimes does hurt and when it slaps you in the face like a snowball hitting you between the eye’s; making you blinded too whatever is going on around you and knowing Life is passing you by quicker than a shooting star through the Heavens above. I need to breathe deeply and regroup.

By the time I was 40, I had lived a life of a man who should have been 110 and yet lived to tell all about it. The pain and anguish that I felt and have gone through and still going through, I wish upon no human being as I found out that it’s true, you can be your own worst enemy. Did I mention I spent 6 years in the French Foreign Legion? That’s a book in itself. And one of the few pieces that I saved, along with my Beautiful wife Betty, they also saved me, in a weird sort of way. They showed me what I didn’t want in life anymore, and that was to die without purpose and without my family. To say I was a lost soul would be an understatement of the truth and or facts. I was in such a Deep Dark Hole that it took 6 years to crawl out of but I did manage to find a few pieces along the way.

I eventually came out of this a better Man but a harder one as well. I’m Hard Headed, sometimes too Truthful, Stubborn, Pig Headed and as some people would tell you I’m also kind hearted and will do for you whatever I can to help you. Because of the life I’ve lead, I’m a lot wiser than most people give me credit for and down deep I still have much remorse for the things I’ve done and pain I might have caused my Children or anyone else who unfortunately crossed my path while I was trying to find myself. That last statement I’m not sure if I want to include my Ex-wives. I really don’t have much sympathy nor feelings one way or the other or regrets, they could have helped but they both thought of only themselves first and from what I can see nothing has changed over the years to make me think differently. The only kind thing I can say about them is if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have my Children or Grandchildren nor Great Grandchildren. Because of that I’m very grateful and as someone once said That’s all I got to say about that.

Well now that I outlined this path of my self-destruction, I ask myself who the hell really cares; they won’t believe it anyway. You tell me is this at all possible? I can assure you it is. And if you’re like me and are looking to complete your puzzle and missing some major pieces like myself, then I suggest you go down that path called your past and find those missing pieces. Thank God I inherited my Fathers will to fight, but keep in mind that may have been one of my major problems that may have caused me to lose some of the pieces in the first place. Go figure what may have caused some of my problems might just be the same thing that will now help me find the final pieces of my Life.

Just so you know this story is being written as I felt it happened and needless to say all these years later I couldn’t possibly remember the exact words or phrases that were used, so I’m telling it like I either remembered or how everything was possibly said. But the one fact that does remain, I lived through all this pain and life that I created or was dealt and of course you can believe it or not….that’s up to you.

But in order to tell this, I must start from the beginning. And what a beginning it was……

CHAPTER 1

I t was Friday the 13 th ; and yes this could have been the start of it all. Friday the 13 th can you beat that? It was 6:37AM and to hear my Dad tell it all it was snowing and a blizzard with winds howling at about 30 MPH, it was about 20 degrees and falling. My Dad always had a way of speaking where you got captured up in his masculine voice and when you saw him light up as he told his story’s you could only imagine yourself being there at the time.

My Dad was born on May 16th 1900 in New York City. He had a funny middle name: Francis. Walter Francis Horseman. Why would my Dad have a girl’s middle name thank God mine was Ewald for short Ewald Horseman. During WW1 he tried to enlist in the Army Engineer Corps but was turned down because he had a bad Heart. He joined the Canadian Army and was discharged a few months later because of his medical problems. He became a Crain Operator working at Ship Building yard off the East River located in the Bronx, New York City. He would climb up about 50 or so feet above the water and part of his job was to pull PT Boats out of the water during WW 2. A Proud man, who worked like he was a Young Strong Bull, I can see where I got the fight from and stubbornness as well. He loved his job so much that even when there was a Snow Storm and Public Transportation wasn’t available he would get up at 3 AM and walk 5 maybe 6 miles just to get to work.

Dad’s family came from Germany back in the mid-1800s and my Grandfather who I was named after fought in the Spanish American War. He was listed as Privet Ewald Horseman with the 203rd New York Volunteer Infantry. I don’t remember him but I did see a picture of him holding me shortly after I was born. He died a few months later I was told.

Well enough of my Dad, for now. You want to know more about me. I was born as I said Friday the 13th. Don’t remember much the first few years, but I think it all started about when I was 4. I remember listening; actually eves dropping on my parents one night and hearing them say that they would like to paint the furniture before it gets warm and me being the little helper that I was as; I helped Dad paint before so I figured why not, right?

The next day my sister was babysitting me, why? I wasn’t a baby. Dad went to work, and Mom went somewhere shopping I guess. My Mother’s name was Rosa, her parents came over also from a Country now called Ukraine in the late 1890s. I remember seeing my Grandfather his name was Fred Shusterling, but they cut it short when they came here to America, now they’re called just Shuster. My Mom she was real pretty I remember with Blonde hair all curly not skinny just Mom size, she was born also in New York City on December 4th 1904. Oh!! Did I tell you my sister’s name was Loran and I loved her? She was also born in New York City, but sadly I can’t remember when she was born; only when she died. She was like my Mom except a little taller and she had Brown hair, but she was beautiful too. My Brother-in-law Loran’s husband was in the navy fighting in the Pacific during WW 2 Arthur Carillo was his name also born in New York City an Italian American; he had A Tattoo on his upper arm of a Heart surrounded by Roses and it said in the middle inscribed in a banner Always Lorry meaning my sister, but when he’d get angry he would tell her he could always change it to Always Sorry by making the L into a S. That was his nick name for her.

Although I was told later and only because I saw my birth certificate; I had another sister who died of a busted appendicitis at the age of 16 and two other Brothers Twins who were killed in WW 2, they were killed in the same Tank I understand early in the War and long before the Sullivan Brother Tragedy; that was the 5 Sailors all Brothers killed on the same ship. I don’t remember where they were killed somewhere in the Africa, I was never told the names or if I was I long forgot them maybe on purpose as it was always sad to me that I had Brothers and another Sister all Dead. One Twin was 2 minutes Older or something like that then the other. I remembered seeing them once I was about 3 I wish I knew them better and now I had something else to be sad about. Also they along with my sister Loran were all my half brothers and sisters. Did my Mom have four kids with her first husband or was there two ex-husbands before my Dad? I was never told his name or their names. I have a feeling my Twin brothers was from a different marriage of my Mothers but no one ever told me all I know on my birth certificate it said siblings 5. My Dad didn’t marry until he met my Mom and he was 36 years old when I was born. I asked him why he waited so long to marry? and he said Son I never found the right woman till I met your Mom It sounded to me he married a woman with 4 Children all grown, I guess back in those days women married at very young ages according to my calculations my Mom married or had her first child around 16-17 years of age. Today I know what he meant it took me 3 times to get it right and I also married the right woman with 4 kids. I guess in a sense I did follow my Father’s footsteps.

Anyway it was I remember in the early afternoon and my sister was taking a nap as she was tired, I guess it was because of that big belly she had and she was always telling me Here Ewald touch my belly and feel the baby kick, what baby I thought?, she tried to tell me, but everyone knows that baby’s come by Storks right? Not from some big belly from eating all that ice cream and cake I see her eating all the time. Loran (Sis) would tell me I’m eating for two, yeah right, like I believed that!

So I went down to the cellar that’s underneath the house. Never could figure out why they called it a cellar. When you were upstairs in the Bedroom and you went downstairs to the Living room or kitchen it’s called downstairs, why couldn’t you just call it downstairs again or 2nd downstairs. I guess at 4 years old we need to find out a lot of stuff. Dad would tell me. Ewald next year you’re going to go to school and learn all the things that you need to understand and know to survive in this big world of ours, so one day you can teach your children; what you learned in school and what I tried to teach you. I don’t think; I thought. I’m not going to let my Wife I think that’s what Dad calls my Mom anyway she’s not going to sit around all day eating cake and ice cream and getting Fat with a big belly, like Sissy. I’ll just let the Stork bring my baby’s like it’s supposed to be. Anyway I went and got a can of paint in the cellar and it turns out it was my favorite color RED, and opening up the can now; that was the hard part. I bent a few of our forks and almost cut myself with the knife; but I didn’t. Finally got it opened and looked for the Paint brush but I couldn’t reach the ones in the jar Dad kept them in. what am I going to do? Then I thought what about Dads Brush? The one he uses on his head. I could never figure out why he would use a brush on his head, he didn’t have any hair only a little bit on the sides.

A brush is a brush I thought. So I ran upstairs leaving the paint can on the steps, boy it was pretty heavy. I looked all over for the brush and finally found it under the sink, he had this metal box, I think he called it a cabinet, whatever that was it looked like the thing on the side of the bed that had a lamp on it except when you opened up the door it had 2 places to lay stuff on it; it was sharp also on the edge, I almost cut myself as it scratched my arm but no blood. I looked it over and saw a few of Dads hairs on it and carefully took them off. I didn’t want them getting mixed in the paint. Maybe Dad won’t notice after I’m finished I’ll clean the brush real good; but how? I have no smelly stuff; I’ll think of something……

Brush in hand and Red paint, downstairs and ready to paint. I could see why, my parents wanted to paint the furniture, it was ugly green and white with Flowers on it, I remembered when my Mom put it on the Couch, she was so happy, I remember her saying Now finally we got the right colors for this room and we didn’t have to buy a new couch after all, what a great idea and we never had to leave the house he came to us. Who came? What did I miss? Later I was told I was taking my nap and someone called Joshua came to my house and measured the couch for what they called Slip covers? Whatever that was, it sure was an Ugly Green and thank God she wanted to paint it; so I did! In my favorite color; Pretty Red again. It looked great after I finished and it was hard to paint as sometimes the paint started to disappear. So I kept on painting until it didn’t disappear anymore.

I rested awhile and sat outside on the front porch. I loved doing that, I would watch the trolleys go by and wonder where they went and the bells would ring and then I saw this Ugly Green car with funny big letters in white NYPD on the side of it. It stopped just down the street, right in front of Nicks Soda Shop. Good Old Nick best place in the world to get a chocolate egg cream. Couldn’t figure that out, why it was called that as I never saw him put an egg in the glass. But boy… did it taste good.

I ran inside getting my Paint brush and Red paint that was still by the couch thinking that it’s a good thing, the can was a lot lighter now as the couch took a lot of paint but I was sure I had enough to do the job; I didn’t clean the brush yet and now which was a good thing as I can see I have something else to paint Pretty Red. I’ll paint that car and make it real pretty like the couch. My sister was still upstairs and she won’t mind as long as I’m back by the time she gets up. She’ll never know I was gone. Sometimes Sis gets a little upset with me, she says Ewald Horseman why do I feel like I have to watch you every minute, can’t you see I’m tired and the baby wears me out. Yesterday I’m trying to take a nap and I see you out the window climbing the tree, and crawling on the branch trying to see if you can get to our roof. Why? I don’t know I said I thought it would be fun and then I could jump down onto that hill of sand that’s in the back of the house I replied. You know Ewald Horseman she replied and I knew she was angry with me; she only calls me Ewald Horseman when she is. If it wasn’t for Mr. Roberts next door and his ladder you could of broken some bones" I liked Mr. Roberts he has my middle name, maybe I could put an s at the end of my middle name and be like him. He was a little man maybe 5 foot 2 about the same size as my mom but boy was he Big like Sis was he carrying a Baby too? I Wondered. He should stop eating all that cake and ice cream too. And Sis would go on and on, that she can’t even take a nap because of me.

Today I promised I’d