Sarah Femme

CHAPTER 1

A Life Saved

Y OU CAN DO this. You can do this. This will make it all go away, John kept telling himself as the cold New York air relentlessly crashed into his face and blew his now graying hair into his eyes. He has let himself go, and he knew it. His hair is longer now than it had ever been in his whole life. His mom would always say she wasn’t raising a hippie, so his dark hair was always cut short and tight, so he continued that particular style throughout his entire life. Nice and neat. First impressions are very important. He can hear his mother’s voice in his head, so nice and neat he was. That is, up until later events changed his way of thinking, his way of looking at himself, his way of looking at life. Hell, it changed everything about him. He was once a six foot two prime example of Da Vinci’s anatomical man. His hair was so dark; it appeared to be black but was actually a very deep color of brown, which only accentuated a perfectly fair complexion any woman would be envious of. He was always clean-shaven and impeccably dressed. Even on his days off, when he would wear his sweats, he emitted an air of casual chic without even trying. However, now his hair is longer, his face unshaven by at least several days, and he is wearing the same clothes he was wearing three days ago. They now hang off his gaunt body that he once treated as the temple it was meant to be.

He was numb now. He glances down at the water and is mesmerized by the vast dark body as it passed underneath the bridge on its way to bigger and better things. He had been standing there for at least ten minutes, and no one has even noticed him. This was meant to be. This is how it all goes away—all the pain, being all alone, having no purpose. All of it will go away with one small step. John’s mind kept flashing back to when he actually noticed the sun shining. The world was a good place, and there was always hope with the dawning of a new day when he awoke from a sound sleep, a time when there was still a future to dream about. Now? Now there are never-ending sleepless nights, the world is full of evil people, and there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. It’s just one long day that is sometimes separated by darkness. Tomorrow died so many yesterdays ago along with every hope and dream he ever had. So now he just wants to die. No, he needs to die. Why not? There is nothing else to do. Nothing else but to take one final step.

He went to church every Sunday with his mother and father when he was a child. He was always told that people who commit suicide have no place in heaven. He would go straight to hell. To the second ring of the seventh circle of hell to be precise, if memory serves. He would be turned into a gnarled, thorny bush and fed upon by harpies, according to Dante anyway. It didn’t matter. Even if he did go to hell, it couldn’t be worse than the one he has been living in. Maybe God, if there is a God, will have pity. He would know the pain that cuts deep into his heart and soul every minute of every hour that passes. A pain that hurts so bad, he just can’t deal with it anymore. Suddenly, a warm feeling rushes over his body, and he feels a sense of peace inside his heart for the first time in a very long time. He takes a deep breath. Just one step. Yeah, this feels right. This is what is meant to be. Maybe there is a god after all, and he is showing him mercy. He is giving me a small sliver of hope right here on the precipice of this bridge right before I take this last step in this lifetime. John takes one last deep breath.

I really hope you won’t do that.

A voice startles him from his thoughts. John simply froze and refused to face the disembodied voice. His eyes darted in every direction except in the direction of the voice. Someone is here to stop him, and he is hesitant to respond. They will think he is out of his fucking mind. They will take him to the nearest psychiatric facility, lock him in a room in a straightjacket, and throw away the fucking key. He can’t allow this to happen. Just jump. Just jump, and it will all be over. But for some reason, he can’t now when, just a moment ago, he was ready. An audience has changed the tone of the moment.

Hey… excuse me… sir! Are you going to jump? Because if you do, that water is really cold. The voice startles him once again. John turns to face the questioner. Right next to his left arm stood a young lady. So close. How had he not felt her presence when she had walked to where he was? Where did she come from? John looked around and saw no one else, not even a car.

What makes you think I am going to jump? He is now looking down on the young lady, who is looking up at him. Her long, wavy blonde hair caught the light from the lamps that illuminated the bridge and surrounded a rather striking face. The wind whipped her hair around her face, and she was continually trying to hold it back to no avail. The clothes she wore were of the second-hand, thrift-store type. She was wearing a layered long skirt that made John think of the skirts he would see a gypsy wearing in those old black-and-white movies he would catch on cable late at night. She had on a white T-shirt with a light blue T-shirt on top of it. There was a logo of some kind on the front of the shirt, but he couldn’t make it out for the faded blue jean jacket she was also wearing. They were the kind of clothes his mother would consider hippie-ish. Her face was young, maybe early twenties or so. She had a smile that was bright, warm, and charming even. Meeting this person under any other circumstance would probably be a pleasant one, but this was not the correct circumstance or was pleasant by any means. The inflections in her voice suggested she was somewhere from the South. It wasn’t a heavy accent, but it was definitely there. Maybe she had been born in the South then moved away and lost some of it. Maybe she was a homeless street kid. She certainly had that air about her, but there was something else about her he just couldn’t put his finger on, and what was she doing out here this time of night? She almost feels familiar to him, like he knows her from somewhere but just can’t place her.

Really? Like, could you be any more obvious.

John did not answer and looks away, hoping that ignoring her would somehow make her leave.

Well, this is the deal… she finally states as she waves him off, not waiting for a reply, if you jump I won’t be able to just stand here and watch you drown.

I will not drown. The fall will—would kill me, John interjects in his defense, shaking his head at his choice of words. He had just implied he was considering suicide to a complete stranger.

No. No. Not far enough. She leans over the railing and looks down at the frigid water. It would definitely do some damage, she remarked, as she continues to analyze the distance, but it wouldn’t kill ya. No, the water would because it’s right above freezing right now, so you would go into shock from hyperthermia, and there is no way you would make it to the shore, given that you didn’t break every bone in your body. The young lady waits for a response.

John continues to stare out into the darkness then tightly closes his eyes, still hoping she would just go away.

You see, what I am trying to say is that if you jump, then I will have to come in after you. The wind continues to whip her hair into a frenzy of golden strands. She practically yells to be heard over its whistle. John is startled by her statement.

Then that would make you crazier than me. How would you be able help me? You would be just as hurt and cold as I would be! John is getting agitated with this situation. Why doesn’t she just leave him alone?

No. I’m younger and I’m a good swimmer, she states as she starts to remove her boots.

John feels his frustration start to boil over, consisting of part embarrassment and part anger. Mostly anger. She has ruined everything. This person from nowhere does not understand what she has interrupted. This was necessary, but he could not explain to her what his life has become. That she was only prolonging the misery, not helping. Not helping at all. She was just going to make his life even more unbearable with this embarrassing moment to heap on top of this huge pile of stinking life that he has been living. John’s thoughts were once again interrupted.

You jump, then I have to come in after you. It’s that simple. The young lady throws her hands up in the air to make a point. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t? No response. Look! What could be so bad that you would want to die? I cannot just stand here and watch you jump, so if you do, I will jump in after you. Still no response. Do you understand that if you die, there is a possibility that I will die too, and it all would be your fault? She waits. Still no response. So this is the choice you face. You jump and probably die, then I jump and probably die even though my chances are better than yours. But whatever. Do you want to be responsible for my death as well as yours? I mean you’re old and all, but I am only twenty-three.

"I think you have seen Titanic one too many times," John says the first thing that comes to mind and immediately wishes he could take it back. Why did he think to reference the scene where Jack talks Rose down from jumping off the stern of the Titanic? It was an obvious comparison albeit a silly thing to say to a complete stranger. He was even more embarrassed now and was thoroughly frustrated with the situation. He decided to give up and get away from this person as fast as he could.

"What does the Titanic have to do with anything?" the girl asks, almost laughing.

John is now really agitated. The movie! The movie! I am talking about the movie. John starts to climb down from the rail and starts to hurriedly walk away.

I don’t really watch movies that much. I read books instead. At least when I have the time. They are so much better, the girl adds as she quickly puts her boots back on and runs after him. John is so not interested in anything this young lady has to say. He just wants to leave this all behind him so he walks faster. He’ll try another time, but he knows this girl will not leave him alone tonight. He knows he will try again, maybe with a different method next time. Maybe the fall would have not killed him after all; maybe she did save him from a mistake that would have proven to be physically damaging on top of his already emotional incapacity. He is now eager to reach his car, open the door, get in and do not look back. Do not give this person, who seems so familiar to him, the chance to see his face any more than she already has, just in case he does know her. Maybe she is the daughter of someone he knows, but he cannot think of anyone he knows who has a daughter that dresses like a hobo and roams the streets at 3:00 a.m.

Hey! Mister! Wait! Now that I have saved your life, maybe you can help me. She speeds up to catch up with him.

Please, I just want to go home. John desperately tries to get away. You saved my life. Good for you. Now please leave and let me be. The girl starts to speak again, but John stops her by turning to look at her with a burning glare. He tries to restrain his anger as he speaks. Stop! Stop right there. You really need to leave me alone. I am going home. It’s late, and I have a long day tomorrow. I just want to go, please.

Didn’t seem like you were thinking about tomorrow a few minutes ago, the unknown young lady states with sarcasm. John flashes an annoyed scowl in her direction. OK. OK. All I wanted to know is there a shelter or church around here where I could crash for the night and maybe… get a ride. It’s my first night in town.

Looking around in disbelief, John interrupts her. You mean you just show up in New York City this time of night and you’re looking for somewhere to sleep? What? Are you nuts? Do you know how dangerous that is? The only people out this time of night are pimps, hookers, and criminals.

And people who jump off bridges, the girl adds with a smile and again with a bit of sarcasm.

Unfucking believable. John hesitates for a moment. He is beyond angry now. This new burden is unwanted. Just get in the fucking car and I’ll drop you off somewhere. Where? I don’t know because I have no clue where a shelter is around here. I’ll drop you off at a cheap hotel, then you can find a shelter in the morning. I’m sure someone will help you. You seem like a resourceful person. John turns and hurriedly strides to his car.

I appreciate that and all, but… I don’t have any money.

John stopped abruptly and threw his head back in frustration then turned to face her and it made her take a step back. What! Are you for real? You come to New York in the middle of the night and you have no money. What next? What are you going to do for food? Eat out of a trash cans? Or do you plan on robbing a liquor store? John just cannot believe this girl. She is a lunatic to come into this town so unprepared. So young and fearless, but fearlessness and recklessness goes hand in hand. John knows this fact all too well. You can’t just come to New York City with nothing and no plan. What do you plan on doing for money?

I’ll get by. I always do. I sing. She holds up her guitar case. John sees the guitar case and wonders how he hadn’t noticed it before along with the suitcase and backpack she was wearing. His head is spinning with his problems now combined with her problems, even though her problems don’t seem to bother her. Foolish, foolish girl. What is he supposed to do? Leave her? He couldn’t just leave her here. This is a dangerous