Picking up the Pieces: Moving on After a Significant Loss

Copyright © 2016 James Ray Ashurst, Ph. D.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-6579-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-6580-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-6578-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016919622

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/09/2016

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1 Moving Through Grief

Chapter 2 Nearing Acceptance

Chapter 3 Dynamics of Loss

Chapter 4 The Departure of a Child

Chapter 5 Suicide

Chapter 6 The Narrative of a Dying Person

Chapter 7 The Loss of a Pet

Chapter 8 Saying Good-Bye

Chapter 9 The Love of a Friend

Chapter 10 Then Life …

Chapter 11 The Sovereign Being: Master over Loss

Chapter 12 The Ending and Beginning

Chapter 13 Picking Up the Pieces

A Preview of my Next Book

Bibliography

It’s Human Not To Know What We Love Most Until It’s Gone.

—Stephanie Zacharek

Acknowledgments

I am indebted to these ladies, who took time to proofread this manuscript:

Carolyn Mills Baker

Jackie Wilson Frakes

Amy Grice

Sandy Obeshaw Slee

Opal Young

Thanks to Reggie Adams at WestBow Press for guiding me through the publication process, and to you who shared your stories of grief with me and permitted me to tell about them in this book.

Introduction

April 7–10, 1986: The Four Days that Changed My Life Purpose

Thinking that I already knew what I wanted to do with my life, the experiences during April 7–10, 1986, turned my whole life topsy-turvy. Before then, I was quite content being an educator both in a secular and in a religious environment. But my entire world changed drastically during a four-day event in Charlottesville, Virginia.

At the time, I was working on a master’s degree in clinical counseling. As part of my studies, the subject matter of grief and its impact presented itself. With this, the renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came to my attention. Dr. Kübler-Ross revolutionized the medical profession by introducing the stages of grief involving death and the dying process.

I found out that she was to conduct a conference on death and dying only a few hours away on April 7–10, and out of curiosity, I decided to attend. Little did I know at the time that God was planning to use the experience to change my life.

The following excerpt is from my journal at the time:

April 8

What a combination of people and circumstances are here: individuals who are actually in the dying process, parents who have lost a child, AIDS patients, adults who are presently losing a parent, and the list goes on. Dr. Kübler-Ross was delightful to listen to—her sense of humor, her rapport with us, and her ability to express her thoughts and feelings in such an open, genuine way.

April 9

Everyone was congregated in a large room. People began to open up about their pain, grief, and hurt. One young lady lay on the mat, which was in the center of the room, crying from her very excruciating depth, about the death of her mother. She was screaming, Mother, I need you. I can’t go on. Mother! Like everyone else in the room, my tears flowed. I felt drained after each person shared a story, especially from those who were actually in the midst of their dying process, with less than five months to live. I couldn’t even think, but could only react emotionally to the staggering struggles of the people here.

April 10

On this last night, Dr. Kübler-Ross had a ritual ceremony in which each person tossed a pinecone into the fire and stated what issues the individual was leaving behind as the pinecone burned. Just by happenstance, Dr. Kübler-Ross ended up sitting by me during the ceremony. When it came time for everyone to grasped hands together, Dr. Kübler-Ross placed her stocking feet on my leg (by accident, of course). So I grabbed her toes. She laughed and was delighted at the spontaneous behavior of us both. And all of a sudden, I realized that I was playing footsie with her—the Elisabeth Kübler-Ross! What a priceless memory.

So what was the change in my life? It was during those four days that my academic passion became crystal clear to me. Beyond any doubts, I knew that I had to learn more about grief, dying, and the dying process if my passion was to be accomplished. This led me to pursue a doctorate degree in this subject.

No one sees me on a professional basis who is not experiencing some type of hurt. I am honored to be a lifeline to each person. For those of you who have this book in your hands, I hope its contents will be helpful, inspiring, and encouraging.

—Dr. James Ray Ashurst

Sometimes God will put a Goliath in your life, for you to find the David within you.

—anonymous

Chapter 1

Moving Through Grief

Dedicated to my parents, Greene Edwin and Ferne Louise Ashurst, who made my life meaningful and exciting, and to my brother, Greene Edwin Ashurst II, whom I love very much.

Because most people are intimidated by the dying process,

they tend to leave the bedside before they have said their

final goodbyes. When death is not appropriately grieved,

you bear the burden of feeling incomplete.

—Dr. Judy Rosenberg, clinical psychologist

Loss is not restricted to death. Loss encompasses a loved one who is no longer with us, a loved one who is moving away, a parent who is in a mental vacuum, a friend who ends the relationship, or a pet that has left our love.

Your little girl is dying. I’m so sorry. There’s nothing else that can be done.

The conference room became a horrendous nightmare as the mortified parents attempted to grasp what their teary-eyed doctor was saying.

No! No! No! You’re wrong. Do more tests! Do something, please! Please!

But the pleading words from the little girl’s dad were drowned out by the hysterical mom, who had lost control. Grabbing her chair to lend support did not meet her needs, and she slowly slid to the polished floor, drawing unto herself her arms and hands, signifying absolute denial.

A single statement that announces the death of a loved one can stop us in our tracks. All the things we had scheduled for that day become a blur of responsibilities that are no longer priorities. Our busy agendas stop. Our well-meaning tasks of that day are of no consequence, and our lives as we knew them disappear—permanently. No power on earth has the ability to restore us to what we once deemed normal.

Because grief follows the loss of a loved one, grief is universal. Each person does his or her individual mourning because everyone grieves differently, thus alone. The journey is a lonely one. Whether it is sudden or expected, the loss takes away the presence of a valued loved one. Such grief carries intense emotional pain, and that is inevitable. The severity of the pain is in direct proportion to the degree of importance that the loved one had in our life.

When we are young, the matter of loss seems incomprehensible. We cannot grasp the dynamics of the loss because we do not see an ending to a life. Because loss appears as a strange and incomprehensible phenomenon, we view the feeling as an outsider that tries to invade our space of fun, laughter, and carefree living.

As we grow older, loss becomes surreal at times. We may have witnessed the loss of a grandparent, a child, a friend, a neighbor, or a pet, and suddenly the loss entered our sacred space. The loss can shatter our world into a hundred pieces. We are therefore forced to acknowledge it.

Where death is concerned, no one has taken the death train on its destined journey and had a return ticket, so we begin to wonder about the mysteries of it all. We have many questions, and we wonder if they will ever be answered: What happens exactly? Will I see my parents? Will they know me? Is there an afterlife? Will I be young, old, or the same age in the afterlife?

We search diligently for rational answers about death and its process, often being perplexed even more. The truth is that the mysteries about death belong only to our Creator. While God offers some information to us through scripture, it is just a tidbit and only that. Much more awaits us.

What all of us do know is that a process called grief is waiting for us once a loved one is absent from us by way of death, mental illness, or distance. If we are ever to accept the loss of our loved one and eventually move on with life, then immersing ourselves into the grief process is a necessity. If we choose not to recognize the grief process, thus living in denial, then the result can be a life of misery, self-pity, depression, hatred, hopelessness, and helplessness. In other words, the utmost decision we must make is whether we are going to face the grief head-on or ignore it.

While each person will handle the grieving process differently, there is no exact, identical sequence of the grief phases for every person; some stages presented in this book may be reversed, while others may coexist.

Shock and Denial—First Reaction

While it is a huge benefit to have a competent, enduring support system consisting of family members, friends, and professionals to help us through the different stages of grief, we carry our grief on a lonely journey. What feels good for one may not be suited for another person. No two people have identical personalities or fingerprints, which in turn means that no two people mourn in the same fashion.

Whether the loss of our beloved is sudden or expected, we will encounter the news with shock—the initial stage in the grieving process. Shock is God’s protection for the griever; it lasts until the person has the capability of moving into the next stage of the grief process. No matter how emotionally strong a person may appear in everyday routines, shock neutralizes all rational thinking and decision making.

A person may go through the motions of acting as if he or she is functioning normally, but in reality, the shocking reaction to the loss can catapult any person into an emotional and mental fog.

As a result of the shock, an individual may display some form of emotional release. This release may be weeping, screaming, acting aggressively, laughing nervously, or pacing. Each person will deal with the type of release in his or her own way, which may be totally different from the ways of others going through the same grieving process. Whatever available means a person chooses,