Walking Within His Shadow: When I Didn’T Know It, or Deserve It.

Copyright © 2016 Grace Livingstone.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All Scripture quotations are taken from the Thompson Chain-Reference Bible, King James Version, published by the Kirkbride Bible Company, Indianapolis, Indiana.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-6157-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-6159-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-6158-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016917594

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/25/2016

Contents

Lesson 1: He Is Real

Lesson 2: My Personal Inferno

Lesson 3: Lies, Deceits And Dishonesties

Lesson 4: He Never Forsakes You

Lesson 5: Accepted Not Rejected

Lesson 6: The Art Of Trickery

Lesson 7: Hungry, But Not For Food

Lesson 8: I Didn’t See That Coming

Lesson 9: Meeting The Man

Lesson 10: Money Woes

Lesson 11: The Good, The Bad, And The Lovely

Lesson 12: He Is Our Healer

Lesson 13: Life Altering Decision

Lesson 14: The Perpetual Hurt

Lesson 15: There Is A Purpose

Lesson 16: A Long Way Home

Lesson 17: The Breakthrough

DEDICATION

I give God all the glory! Father, You saved me and I will be eternally grateful.

To my husband, who stood by me through all the times I had to deal with the pain and my insecurities, I will always love you. You showed me the true meaning of love between a husband and wife. Jesus certainly shows Himself through you.

And to my special dear friend who helped me with being able to put my feelings into words when I was unable. You hold a special place within my heart.

PREFACE

I believe you go through situations throughout your life because somewhere in time you will be able to help another. How can you relate to situations someone is having if you haven’t been through them yourselves?

What inspired me to write Walking Within His Shadow? This is a revealing story of how God pulled me through horrible, difficult times of my life and kept showing me His love.

I began to think of my life and how I could relate to many situations people would talk about. God gave me the desire to go on living instead of ending it. The thought filled my mind and I had the means of committing such an act. I had it under the seat of my car.

The actual start of writing Walking Within His Shadow happened after I was literally put on my back, unable to do anything, but sleep for a solid week because of the medication I was taking.

When I was able to go home, depression set in and it was during this time the Lord gave me the beginning of Walking Within His Shadow.

Nightmares come in many forms. Everyone believes theirs is the worst. I would ask the Lord what is so special about mine. What came to my mind, were the lessons I learned and how much He loves me even after I actually shut the door on Him. What the Lord wanted me to do was to show others how He got me through the darkest times of my life, and to tell as many who read this that He is no respecter of persons. I have learned many things, all the hard way, and hopefully through this, something might jump out and help you from making the same mistakes.

Lesson One

HE IS REAL

The steps of a good man are ordered

by the Lord: and he delights in his way.

Psalm 37:23

This is my story about finding God, realizing He is real and how He protected me throughout my life, especially during the times when I didn’t believe in Him. It isn’t an easy story, and you will see how much I blamed myself, isolated myself, and let situations take me down rocky roads that could have been made easier if only I had found God sooner. After I had discovered God personally and fully, I was able to look back and see that I had been within His shadow of His protection all my life.

For most of my life, He was just a name, just a concept I was exposed to only at Easter and one time through a vocational bible school. There was no practice of religion at home, no Sunday church, no bedtime prayers or mealtime grace. I always kind of knew there was a Jesus, but never really learned about Him. As a child, I don’t even remember what took place at church. I do remember when I was in second grade, I had a dream about Jesus. I was sitting on a hill with other children my age, and Jesus was standing in front of us, teaching us about Him. It was a cool dream where I felt good and happy. But, it was just a dream so it had no impact on me at the time.

Looking back, I realize that I must have always been within the shadow of His protection from the time I was born. When I was only two weeks old, I was in a stroller and had scooted down into the plastic that was under the blankets, and somehow got all wrapped up in the plastic. Mom came to check on me, and saw that I had wrapped myself with the plastic and was blue and not breathing. Our neighbor, who was visiting us, was a nurse and she revived me by breathing in my nose and mouth, saving my life. I wish my mom would have seen that as a gift from God and shared that with me as I was growing up, maybe that would have started me on a different relationship with the Lord from the very beginning.

Not all learning experiences come in order, nor do they all feel connected until you collect enough of them to begin to make sense of them and learn from them. One of these early experiences was in 1981, was when I came back home on a mission to find a husband. Instead, what I found was a man, but he wasn’t the husband I was looking for and it took me quite a while to figure it out. If I had only known God then, I’m sure my marriage and life would have been different because I would have asked for help.

I so desperately wanted to be married. I hated dating and never seemed to find the right guy. I was dating a lot, looking for that special someone, certain I would be able to find that man. When I came back to my hometown, my brother-in-law told me about a job in a good company where being fired or laid off was rare. He said the pay and benefits were good and I became excited about this opportunity. I had been unable to find a full-time job I would enjoy, let alone work at until I retired. This job was a Correctional Officer at the County jail. Little did I know I’d meet my future husband at this job and that it would be in the form of Jesus, not a mortal man.

I didn’t have experience working in a Correctional Center, but thought this would be a solid job for me. I had mixed emotions; the thought of working at a jail scared me, having to deal with all the murderers, child molesters, rapists and other criminals who would be at the jail, but the job had a retirement plan, good pay and it would be full time. I decided to give it a go.

After completing all the requirements, filling out applications, taking a psychological exam and the interviews, I was hired. I was excited! Something was finally working out for me!

I heard the advice that was given to all employees: never date anyone you work with. Did I listen? No. Soon, I began dating a Deputy Sheriff and we spent all our free time together. I met other officers who worked the same shift, and everyone would meet up at the end of the shift. Finally, I had a feeling of acceptance and my loneliness disappeared. I had hoped to move in with him, becoming more of a permanent relationship.

After six months, our relationship ended suddenly. I didn’t know what happened, or what changed him. It was as if we never knew each other. I would see him during the day, say Hello to him, and he would ignore me. It happened day after day. Even though he was not part of my life, I still hung around with our same group of friends and he stayed away. It became clear he would not be my husband, and it also fit the pattern I had come to know so well.

Still looking for that perfect man, I became friends with a female officer. Sometimes she came along with us when we went to our favorite neighborhood bar, have a glass of wine, and eventually we became friends. Actually, we became as close as sisters, my first genuine friend, and little did I know how she was about to change my world.

My job as a Correctional Officer consisted of doing head counts each hour and serve breakfast and lunch. I also made sure inmates were ready for court or doctor appointments, and when they had library privileges. There were quiet times, usually when the inmates were in court, taking naps or watching television that I was able to talk with Alice when she happened to show up on my floor. During one of our talks, she asked me if I would want to go to church with her, completely out of the blue.

`You will remember that I didn’t go to church as a child. My parents didn’t go to church. So, I was curious and agreed to go. I had no plan, didn’t know what to expect, and certainly had no idea how what this would lead to.

It was a large church and with a big congregation. I liked the service, and on the way home she would answer any questions I would have.

A routine was developing at work. I worked second shift and afterwards would go to the bar, staying there until closing. Then, a few co-workers and I would stay in the parking lot talking while having some drinks until the bar would reopen and we would go in for breakfast.

One particular day, an inmate wanted to talk to me. He had problems and had heard me talking about church. He wanted me to ask the church congregation to pray for him. I told him I would.

Alice asked me if I wanted to go to a different church. This church was in town and I was told it was a store-front church. She explained it used to be a theater and was converted to a church. I said I wanted to go, remembering the man who wanted prayer.

We walked towards the church doors and the building seemed to be a strange place to hold church services. I walked in and thought to myself, certainly God can’t be here. We walked in. It was so dark. I couldn’t tell you how many people were there or what the sanctuary looked like. It was as if I had blinders on. I didn’t know who Jesus was. As far back as I could remember I always knew He was God in the flesh, but that was it.

We found a seat, sat down and listened to the singing. When the singing was over the pastor started to preach. I could not comprehend what he was saying. The only purpose I had being there was to have the church members pray for the inmate. The pastor asked if there was anyone who needed prayer. I quickly went up and stood before him. His wife came and stood before me, gazing into my eyes. She asked me a question. I stood there baffled because I didn’t understand what she asked. It seemed as if she spoke in a different language.

I looked at her and answered her question, not having the slightest idea in what I said to her. It seemed as if there was someone doing the talking for me. She took her hand and as she was praying for me she touched my stomach. She then placed her hand on my forehead. The next thing I knew I was picking myself up from the floor.

When I stood up, I experienced a feeling I’d never had in my life. My body and my mind felt clean, completely clean. It seemed as if I never did anything wrong in my life. I could hear people saying praise the Lord, Hallelujah! and thank you God.

The service ended and I seemed to be in a fog, not saying goodbye to anyone and not remembering leaving the building. What I did remember was the fact I didn’t ask the members of the church to pray for the inmate. On the way home, Alice explained to me what happened. She told me I was born again, saying all my sins where forgiven. That explained why I felt so clean. I didn’t want that to change. She explained why I fell out in the Spirit, as she put it. It was so God could clean me up. I thought to myself there was a lot of cleaning up to do so I guess that was the reason I fell out.

I was so excited and couldn’t wait to go to church again. I certainly needed this. All my life was spent not knowing about God, not knowing if He was real, only to find out in a short time He is.

I remember a vivid dream I had of a man and me; we were walking down a street lined with palm trees and the ocean was behind them. This man was very nice and I was attracted to him. He wore a turtle neck sweater and had a cross on a chain hanging around his neck. We would walk the long boardwalk as we gazed over the ocean and feeling a gentle wind.

I pinched him on his back side as we were walking. He turned to me, pointing with his index finger as it went back and forth, saying Tsk, tsk, you mustn’t do that!. Then I woke up. I tried going back to sleep so I could continue the dream but was unable to. It was such a comforting dream.

I thought about the dream. The man with the cross hanging around his neck, such a gentleman. I thought was this man Jesus? Was this the man I was to meet? His image was sketched into my mind. I would listen to the Preachers saying, many times, that we are the Bride of Christ. I would spend hours pondering the thought of being a Bride of Christ. I couldn’t wait to get to church again and learn more. I asked Alice if we could go to church again next Sunday. She told me she was heading to New York for a vacation and would be gone for two weeks, which made me feel sad.

I had met a woman minister named Lillian, when Alice and I were shopping one day. I looked to Lillian as being someone who would teach me about Jesus, but not be as close of a friend as Alice and I. I found out she lived around the corner from my apartment, and wondered if this was by God’s choosing. It would only take me two minutes to walk to her house. I asked Lillian if she was going to church Sunday. She said yes, and that I could go with her. I think she liked the idea of having someone to teach about the Lord.

We went to the same church that Alice had taken me to the first time. I continued to go, meeting new friends. I also became active in helping in the kitchen when the church would have a special service with dinner afterwards. I liked this and felt as if I had a large family.

I bought myself a bible and began reading it. It was a King James Version, but I found it hard to understand. Lillian suggested I ask God to show me whatever I needed to understand. I wasn’t expecting this to happen, but over time I began to learn His voice as He revealed to me what I needed to understand. Still, I would go to the neighborhood bar after work with my co-workers, especially when Alice wasn’t around.

Frequently, I would walk over to Lillian’s house needing to talk to her about a problem I had. She would tell me I needed to be closer to God. I didn’t understand this. My thoughts were, if I was going to church that was good enough.

One day as Alice and I were spending the weekend together, she told me she was moving to Houston, Texas. I couldn’t believe it. I was being deserted again. My soul sister was being taken from me. She asked if I would want to move to Houston with her. I told her my family was here and I needed them. The day she left I felt so sad. I didn’t know what to do. The Lord was showing me I needed to depend on Him to teach me to grow spiritually.

I decided to read my bible on a regular basis. Every day I would read one of the books of the Bible, feeling better when I read. I still went over to Lillian’s when I had a problem. Lillian would say the same thing: if only I was closer to God. Ok, I told myself, what more can I do? I remembered people at church praising the Lord. I never did this and all I could think to say was thank you Lord. I began to walk throughout my apartment as I continuously said Thank you Lord. I didn’t know how long I was supposed to do this, so I decided I would say Thank you Lord while doing my daily chores.

The best time I had praising God was when I was sitting my porch swing that hung from the rafters. It was a calm, peaceful summer evening. I started singing praise songs I heard at church. When I finished with one song I immediately started singing another. What distracted me was the need to push my swing with my foot to keep it swinging. The more I pushed myself to swing, the more I felt a distraction in singing praise songs. I give myself