Rain and Moon: With the Inertia of Time

Contents

Part One

1 Her

2 Travelers and Magicians

3 The Go-getter

4 Identification of a Woman

5 …I’m Batman"

6 City Lights

Part Two

7 Singing in the Rain

8 Stalker

9 Eight and Half

10 The Game

11 Living in Oblivion

12 Before Sunrise

Part Three

13 Lost Horizon

14 Lean on Me

15 Cinema Paradiso

16 Before Night Falls

17 Yasemin

Part Four

18 20 Sigarette

19 Persona

20 Irreversible

21 A Tale of Two Cities

22 The Graduate

The Final Part

23 The End

24 I’m Not There

For the girl inside the Mirror

Part One

1

Her

R ain and moon are never seen together, and if they do then it must be an unusual day.

‘It’s you and only you’, a profound feminine voice whispers in my ear, more than audible it’s a visible voice, as if it has travelled through the curvature of universe, that understands the grand design and returns to its origin. As if it’s the collective voice of every individual, every organism and every nonliving object, from heavenly bodies to minute dusts of every possible universe those are known to exist or imagined to be known, convey the same message that it begins with you and ends with you. For the mother of all understandings, I have to understand the meaning of this that ironically sounds extremely selfish.

I rise and shine; it’s a genuine smile unlike last night’s fake tears, or not. Who knows what; self-deception can be worthwhile at times and at times it can be lethal. I get my lazy ass to make some coffee, fill it with two mugs but somehow don’t get enough courage to enter the other room. I stand by, for a moment and another and then finally enter.

Time stands still when I see her, I could watch her like this all the live long day. Even though she is asleep and her eyes are closed, I feel shy still. The joy of space and time, the way I had perceived so far, ends today. The space occupied by countless but bizarre thoughts, the voids between thoughts created by constantly passing time, the time spent in search of love and the love within, the love of dreams and the dream of love, ones those were exaggerated in my recent past, have come together now. A new world waits for me and yet I wish if I could hold a little more time. The time has changed and so do I, or not.

I pull a chair next to her bed, she’s all peaches-and-cream. I just look at her. I had been speechless for a while; there was nothing to bridge the gap between us, You know when I look at you, I feel as if I’m under a spell, I feel uneasy and so I misrepresent myself. Which is why, since you’re asleep I can dare to be myself. I whisper, It is said that promises are made to be broken but you came all the way long to fix a broken promise. I don’t really understand you, you don’t really understand me and yet we have a connection don’t we? I know you don’t expect anything from me but I did, did a lot. Three years back I was hopeless and confused and now I’m so hopeful that I’m confused again. I know there is always a way out but this is not the one that I chose. Maybe it chose me. Everything was so mixed up lately. Anyways, I just wanted to say that, I’m alright.

*

2

Travelers and Magicians

T wo trains originate from a small town of Eastern India and diverge in two different directions; one proceeds west, towards central India and the other one towards North-East. Both of the trains have one common passenger, that’s me; the first one is my younger self and the other is the one that has lived two more years. We might be the same person but we are different personalities. Simply we are different souls now and then. However, the one string that connects us is the fact that we still share the same dream; the only difference is in terms of clarity of mind. There is one more similarity among these two travelers is; to a great extent they are dissecting through similar-transitional phases. They have their footsteps in the past and echoes in the future.

The train towards west is going to reach Bhopal soon. As soon as I step on the city of lakes, I must not look back and regret about my acts and judgments those are already accomplished. When you decide to be something, rest assured that you’re going to face challenges. And if you are scared to face them, then it means you have not decided anything yet, you have only been deluded. The other train stops at Guwahati, from where I take a bus to a hundred kilometers further north, up to the edge of the country and beyond, to the land of Thunder Dragon, to my temporary destination, Samdrup Jongkhar, Eastern Bhutan. It’s temporary because it’ll be only for two years. Then what’s the permanent destination? I’m not sure yet, or am I?

I’ve been to Bhutan before but not this neck of the woods. Everything seems a little stranger than my last visit. That was a different story; I was a tourist then, while I’m an immigrant now. Since my purpose has changed, my perspective towards this country is likely to change too and so do the perspectives of the Bhutanese people towards me. It feels a little scary although it’s one of the safest countries in the world. I’m scared of something that I have never experienced before, the state of absolute loneliness; the therms are welcome for a debate, but a month and a half ago I was living in an apartment with five other friends, in a city of two million people and now I’ll be staying alone, in a country with a total population of eight hundred thousand only. I’m completely by myself for the first time in life. Initially I was all shook up; finally when I’m here everything feels around the bend. Most importantly during my last visit, I had friends, some of those who are still here, meaning they might have arrived around the same time as I did, but as I said, it’s a different story now; we are Part Company.

Tomorrow, First of July 2012, is supposed to be the most important day of my life so far, the first day of my first job. It definitely sounds exciting but it isn’t. I know through which circumstances I got this job, I know my motivations those I need to comply. I may not completely be honest with this profession, but I shall work hard and honor my agreement because everything else depends on this. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow, what shall I do tonight, as usual? Because once I get into this Nine-to-Five grid, I don’t know how flexibly I’ll be able to exercise my demons.

Are you writing about me? She asks.

Maybe,

"Why do you call me Yasemin? My name is not Yasemin."

Your real name reminds me the real you. I answer, The more I detach your imperfections the more unreal you become and the faster you fade.

It sounds as if you’re recreating the past.

Past is where all the inspirations are.

You’re taking my jokes literally again.

Being literal is what I’m trying to do, am I not?

*

As I join office next morning and spend rest of the day introducing myself with colleagues, I realize that I am unable to fully connect. Here people are nice but not friendly. Yes they are friendly but in their own terms, the little pop joy of openness or as I like to say, the Indianness is missing. I’m not in India anymore, am I? Anyways when I get involved in my work I enjoy it and for rest of the times I have books and films, so many of them, enough for me to survive at least a year. But the film I’ve been waiting for, for almost four hundred days now, is coming out on twentieth of this month and unfortunately it won’t be exhibited here. I recall the day I interviewed for this job.

*

Do you have anything to ask? The last question asked by the interviewers.

Yes I have one. Taking advantage of the situation I asked, When do the selected candidates are supposed to join?

It will be from the first of July. They replied, Thank you very much, we are done here.

My friend Avik was next. He rushed in so we couldn’t talk. How was it? Asked another friend Sushil, his turn was to come shortly.

Easier than I thought. I replied.

What did they ask? inquired Akki, another friend of mine in the queue, Sushil’s flat mate.

Nothing much, I explained, They asked only some general question; one question was kind of tricky but I am surprised they didn’t ask anything regarding thesis, and yes they were quite interested about my hobbies and extracurriculars.

So what do you think your chances are? asked by another friend of mine, Boro, my then flat-mate.

Their responses looked positive but I cannot be sure.

Then why so serious? Ashish, another friend asked.

Because they said we’ll have to join from first of July. I said as if I was already selected.

So? asked Akki.

So? Don’t you know? Being surprised I explained, The Dark Knight Rises is going to release on twentieth. How am I going to watch it?

What’s the big deal? Sushil reacted as if it’s none of his concern, Can’t you wait until the DVDs come out?

You know I can’t. I have been waiting for this over a year now. I can’t hold it longer.

Relax man, Bats is like God to you anyway, why don’t you pray him, he might find a way.

*

As that auspicious day comes closer, it gets more and more uncertain. It is supposed to be the day of my emotional salvation, which is likely to be postponed because of the geopolitical issues around here. This is the least developed town in Bhutan; there is nothing to out on the town other than local football matches. And the market placess shut down as soon as eight in the evening. We discuss a lot on various occasions about how to make this place more livable, more happening. But as the Urban Planner of this town, I feel that the issue that is haunting my personal obligation is the same one that comes in the way of this town’s development. Because of the socio-political imbalance across the border in Indian side, this town couldn’t prosper fully. There are strikes and sit-downs every now and then, for the demand of a separate state, not to mention there is communal tension too, which causes communication abruption. People of Eastern Bhutan travel to the Western parts through Indian roads only, because travelling by Bhutan’s East-West highway can be as long as three days of a journey. That’s why Samdrup-Jongkhar sometimes feels like an abandoned island. If I need to go to the nearest Indian city, Guwahati, which is only three hours away, I’ll have to pre-check the status of the day, which is quite frustrating. Your plan to go out of town is uncertain, because anything can happen out of the blue, which can create tension in local level and hence sealing off the Indo-Bhutan border. This frustration will reach its limit if something like that happens on twentieth of July.

*

3

The Go-getter

T he train towards west reaches Bhopal around midday. As soon as I step out, the seducing smell of the moist soil, reminds me why Monsoons are the best days around here. I take a bus and during those forty five minutes of ride I recap some of the chapters of my recent past. During this summer vacation I’ve taken some decisions at the cost of some personal relationships, decisions those are supposed to change my life. I’ve undergone certain changes those are affecting my perception towards everything. Basically I’ve become an adult. Officially I had become one, two years back, only this year I literally felt it. July 2010. Back to study, half of the college life has already finished. Third year begins. \

After thirty hours in a train, exhausted, when I step in my rented apartment, I see Shubu, my flat-mate rushing out and looking at me the first words that come out of his mouth are, You look pathetic.

I know. I say.

How was your vacation?

Summer training was boring and I got only a week to stay at home.

Okay, he looks at me from head to toe, Eat something man, or you won’t exist, he mocks, I got to go.

What’s your rush?

College has reopened already, don’t you know?

Oh yeah, well…

If you’re coming along, I’ll wait.

It’s all right, you carry on. I’ll join tomorrow.

Shubu studies Architecture. Few years back I was also tempted towards it but ended up with ‘Planning’, happily, so far. Students of these two streams always pick holes in to one another and try to dominate; Architects with their majority and Planners with rationality, and yet Shubu and I are roommates and best friends for two long years. As I enter my room I see that Shubu has cleaned it already. I like cleanliness but I’m not quite cleaning type. So I’m better off for today. It’s a small room that we share. My side of the room is like the mirror image of his, where each of us have one bed, one table, a chair, a cupboard and a common book shelf, provided by the landlady. And a little common space between our beds which we call our workshop, where we sit together with our drawing boards and make sheets, because drawing on table with improper sitting arrangement can cause terrible waist pain. Shubu’s sheets generally consist of building drawings, whereas mine are with maps and analysis. Nowadays we planners have upgraded ourselves with computer drawings but the Architects still have to do a lot of manual work, poor Shubu.

Well our spaces are not completely mirror imaged. Shubu’s side of the wall is completely empty whereas mine is almost full of posters; there is a map of Bhopal in the center, above which is Jim Carrey from his timeless movie ‘The Truman Show’ captioned: How’s it going to end? Accompanied by Jackie Chan from ‘The Drunken Master’, some of my caricatured sketches of my friends, some other pictures from random magazines and last but not the least, the smallest poster on the wall which is supposed to be the largest is the one of Batman, captioned: why do we fall? There is still some space left on the wall where I see infinite possibilities, but right now I need to catch some z’s.

*

I couldn’t sleep longer though. I woke up with a little disturbance. I see that Shubu has already returned from college, and as expected he asks, Did you eat?

Yes, I lie.

You want to go out and have some fresh air?

What’s the time?

It’s the sunset time.

Out of the endless beauties of this ancient city, Bhopal’s sunset is the best. And during this time of the year, we get to see the rare pink sky during magic hours. I have missed it so much that the invitation couldn’t be denied. Speaking of fresh air we generally go to Kaliasot dam, an artificial lake, situated virtually in our backyard, only fifteen minutes of walk or two minutes of drive.

Meanwhile Nirav, our other flat-mate arrives from Western front. Shubu and I get along well, maybe because both of us are Eastern. And Nirav mostly keeps to himself, but not to mention he is a living encyclopedia, whenever I have an urge to feel smart, I knock at his door. He is also one of those who landed in planning without any planning. We ask Nirav to join our little nirvana ride but he denies, as expected. We carry on.

While I’m busy capturing the magnificient pink sky with my tiny camera, Shubu asks, Diyu?

Yeah,

Is everything all right?

Huh?

I mean, is everything alright with you?

Yeah, why?

A doubt hunches me. I give him a blooming look. With a pause he continues, Since you’ve arrived we haven’t talked much.

Is that what bothers you? I say while throwing a stone in the lake, I’m just tired that’s all.

Your behavior has also changed.

"Come on, it’s not even been twenty four hours since I arrived. Anyways planning is a changing process."

Does it change people too?

People change anyway. I say, Have you been reading some of my books? I ask amusingly.

No, why?

Because all of sudden you seem to sound wise.

Are you mocking at me? I say nothing and throw another stone in the lake. But he wouldn’t stop, "Anyways, tell me, how is Kiran? and Shubu asks the most difficult question. I throw another stone into the lake acting like I didn’t hear him. Excuse me, He continues, I guess I asked something. I still reply nothing. I stand still looking at the events of the horizon. Come on," He insists.

Still looking at the horizon, having Shubu sitting on the back side, I try to make it brief. That chapter is finished mate.

What do you mean it’s finished?

We broke up. I answer while throwing another stone.

You must be kidding; you might just have another fight. You can fix it.

Why would I? I turn to him and with an aggressive tone of voice, I confess, I dumped her.

If you dumped her then why are you feeling sorry?

I’m not.

Don’t tell me. You have thrown like a hundred stones in the water.

Well, finally I sit down with him to explain, "It would be a little immoral to use the word ‘dump’ in this case."

What then?

I set her free.

Oh come on, He gets irritated, This is not convincing at all.

You know what, a man’s love is a part of his life but a woman’s love is her whole existence.

From when did you start to sound like a sexist?

What?

You mean to say women don’t have dreams.

In my case it seems to be, so…

So you made it a standard, huh? Okay, fine, a man’s love is a part of his life then what’s the other part?

A lot of things, a man’s ambitions are limitless. I’m on a mysterious voyage and my destiny is the great unknown.

Don’t tell me you’re in search of God.

What’s God? I say, If not a metaphor to achieve peace of mind.

What does it has to do with any of this?

My mind was getting divided, distracted you know. Because of her I couldn’t concentrate on my priorities.

Priorities?

Yes, with a pause I say, I have something in mind, it’s my dream.

Don’t tell me that it’s Animation again.

It’s something similar but more… I don’t know how to explain.

Just name it.

Okay, live action film making it is.

Just ‘film making’ is fine, so what does it has to do with her?

"This is the great unknown. This idea has been coming on and off my head for several years. Now finally it has stuck. I don’t know anything about it. I’ll have to plan for it, which will take time." I reply.

I can understand but still I’m not convinced.

Look I’m thinking beyond, the indefinite future. I don’t know where it goes; I just know that I’ll go along. Do you think she could wait for me?

Why can’t she?

Why can’t she!? Her parents will marry her off. And even if she wants to wait, she can’t do it just for me. And I can’t sacrifice my dreams for her.

You’re being selfish now, do you know that?

"This is why a common man remains a common man. We are too scared to sacrifice even a little. As I told you, she was part of my life. But I had to let her go so that I could think for myself."

Or she just became unattractive to you. I do not respond. He continues, You are obsessed. A man should be responsible for everything he touches.

Maybe I am not a man, maybe I am still a child and if I’m not happy then how can I make someone happy? Anyways conscious dream is nothing but obsession, and one can’t achieve anything without it.

This is real world. Think practically.

Thinking practically, attraction does matter. I respond, And for the other thing, I thought at least you’d understand.

This is what happens when you propose a new idea to the ignorant world. Well my world, my existence has always been small. Born and brought up in a small town. As long as I remember, I have been penetrating through numerous cultural barriers. And now in a city like Bhopal, I tend to believe I have transformed myself a lot, but deep inside there is and there will always be an insecurity to open up. Because ideas only work if you do and you need resources and bunch of people to understand and support you, without making you feel embarrassed.

*

4

Identification of a Woman

"F riends, I haven’t prepared a formal speech. I stand here today, just like every one of you; the only difference is that I’m looking in the opposite direction… Jokes apart, the purpose of saying this was to reflect a symbiosis of perspective. I’m going to say exactly what most of you are likely expect me to say; beginning with the same old fact that we’re a new institution. My friends and I, the founder batch had no seniors to guide us; even the professors were confused and skeptical, whereas you have us. But keeping apart the standard of education that we get here, I see that our college is not very interactive. We have clubbed ourselves in so many different ways that sometimes it doesn’t even appear to be one institution. Education is important, that’s why we’re here for, but most of the lessons that we learn, we learn outside of classrooms. So if everybody cooperates then we can create an image for ourselves and so for our college. The whole nation is looking at us and we have to live up to their expectations. We have so much to us; we have musicians, artists, photographers, writers, poets, sportsmen and so on, you just name it. What we need to do is to combine our potentials and we need a platform for that… Well, we already have one, to which we are ignorant. In fact we are standing on it… Yes this is us; we need to create that atmosphere right here. We need to make this platform presentable. If you appreciate my ideas then you understand well that Architecture and Planning are more than just pens and books. So I stand here today, to humbly request you to present me this opportunity to look after. Thank you."

That’s my friend Sushil, a fresh pair of eyes, addressing the college as a potential candidate for the post of General Secretary of, to be formed Student Union, the first ever in our college. For last two years we have been hustling around. Students come with ideas for events but the ideas get erased in the process, or the ideas don’t get fair appreciation, or sometimes students are simply not informed. A student union was required to manage and organize the unevenness. And Sushil, as a charming and popular football player seems to have fair chance to win the musical chair, who understands the meaning of team work. Hi Diyu, He asks me during lunch, Is it for real?

What is? I ask back.

That your girl dumped you. Akki says; he has this talent of interruption.

I don’t know guys, from where you get these stories.

The Intel is in the air.

My cell phone starts to ring, coincidently and surptisingly its Kiran, my ex. I disconnect the call, Okay, I say, Yes we’re separated.

I’m sorry to hear that. Sushil expresses his concern.

I’m not sorry. Akki too expresses his concern, I knew you’re an asshole.

Both of you, I say, Please don’t overreact.

I’m not, Says Sushil, I can completely understand.

How?

Because his girl dumped him too, Akki takes a pleasure while saying so.

Are you kidding me, when? I ask in a manner of shock.

Hey Asshole, Sushil responds to Akki, Get out of here, can’t you see two gentlemen having serious conversation?

Yeah, Akki responds, Serious conversation on a useless topic.

Akki shut up, please let me talk.

Surprisingly he shuts up, so I ask, When did this happen, Sushil?

In the same breakup season, so many couples are splitting up these days. Sushil replies amusingly, So looking for a new girl?

I bet he is. Akki comments,

My phone rings again and I give it the same treatment as I did before, Well I don’t know I reply, I don’t want to get disoriented right now.

Disoriented from what? Sushil asks.

A real man should be able to handle everything. Akki says.

A real man also needs to have breaks time to time. I say.

But you also need emotional support, Says Sushil. At least time to time,

How do you define that? I ask.

What is that exactly you’re asking? Sushil asks. The phone rings for the third time, Are you not going to answer that?

It’s not important. I put the silent mode on and keep the phone inside my bag and continue, So what I was saying is, I mean what if the girl doesn’t understand your emotions?

Then better let her go.

So here I am brother.

Girls are not manufactured in order to understand your emotions. Akki says, Why do you guys have such hard time to accept that?

Akki please, then looking at me Sushil says, So, are you all right?

I think so. I reply, What about you?

Well my case is a little different than yours. His voice turns low. And Akki starts to laugh.

I bet it would be a lot different than mine. I say.

I don’t know how can I explain this? It just didn’t end well.

I know how to explain this, says Akki laughingly, She just didn’t give a damn.

Time is the greatest healer bro. I say addressing Sushil, That’s what everybody says.

What do you say? Sushil asks back.

I have no saying in this; I haven’t seen the other side.

I wish from the bottom of my heart, for that to happen soon enough. Akki interrupts again.

Get out of here.

Time is fascinating, yet elusive. Sushil continues, It brings depression and all those things unless you have control over it. You know what I’m saying right?

"I guess I do… now I can see where you get the strength of your activism. For last two years you didn’t really give a damn about college affairs at all. I mean no offence…"

Not taken.

You think now he gives a damn? Akki says, He is doing this just to impress the chicks.

You know Akki, Says Sushil in a little irritation, I now understand why you’ve been alone forever.

At least I’m not crying like you guys.

While ignoring Akki, I turn to Sushil and say, I see that you have developed an ability to connect with people.

I’m not sure where my strength came from. Sushil reckons, But don’t think I’m tempted towards politics or something at all.

Ahem Ahem, Akki coughs artificially.

I know and that’s why we are good friends. I say addressing Sushil.

I am just doing this to fill this recently created void inside me, He responds, And you can do that only by feeling content in the present.

Right, but the way you connect with people is really cool.

You can do that too. Just be honest with yourself.

*

After returning from college in the evening, I check my phone to find a total of twenty six missed calls from Kiran. It’s not the first time she tried calling me since that day, this time however her threshold seems to be more, a lot more. In a while I get another call, I thought it would be her again but it’s not, it’s an unknown caller this time. I receive it but the caller wouldn’t speak at all. I assume to have come across some technical error, so I disconnect and call back. This time I can hear the noise from the background but not the caller’s voice, which indicates that the caller is intentionally being silent. Not a big deal, prank calls are nothing new. There are some fresh assignments to be tasted. I keep the phone silent as it was and keep some distance from it.

In a while I find another eight missed calls from her, which counts a total of thirty four, within twelve hours. What’s going on? When she calls for the thirty fifth time, I pick it up but she doesn’t speak a word. So I ask, Don’t you have anything to say? I get no reply and so I disconnect again. It’s been almost one and half months since our last conversation. I was tensed to propose the idea of splitting. Apparently quite suspense was created for her, to sense about something being wrong. I had to have enormous courage to hold her hand and say, There is something I have been trying to tell you… You and I are on different quests. We have different motivations in our lives. We are trying so hard to maintain this distance relationship and as I see, this physical distance is going to increase in time. I have to accomplish certain goals in my life and I believe you might as well. What I mean to say is, the amount of energy we use to maintain this relationship, if we could save that, we could increase our efficiency to do what we want to. And what I want to do is going to take hell a lot of time to be visible on radar. And if you understand that then you know that you can’t probably wait for me that long. I love you, but I can’t really say I’ll love you forever. I’m sorry.

You know why I like you? she replied, Because you’re twenty and you talk like forty. I understand what you’re trying to say and I’m very happy that you conveyed it decently. And to be honest I had sort of foreseen this. She didn’t react much, behaved like she knew it was inevitable and simply accepted. We were supposed to be friends after that but…. And now when she calls, I don’t know how to react. She called me so many times in one single day and yet didn’t speak a word. What’s the point? So I call her back, hoping she’d talk, Hello She says.

Hi, how have you been? I ask.

Nothing much, With a pause she counter questions, What could possibly happen?

I thought I should ask you. Since you tried calling so many times I thought it might be something important.

Is that so?

By the way, why did you call me from an unknown number?

I didn’t.

I know it was you. I say amusingly.

Getting repulsive on this, she says with a strong voice, I told you, it wasn’t me, then why are you blaming me?

Because you used to prank me like that before, that’s why.

Hey listen, I’m not responsible for your prank calls.

Okay, fine, can we please change the subject?

Go ahead; you’re always good at changing and making up subjects.

I pause for a moment and ask, Anything else?

I think not.

Then why were you calling me?

I don’t know. I am confused. Don’t worry I will stop calling you.

*

Early morning the following day, I am woken up by another call; it’s the same unknown caller from last evening. Hello. I say in a dying voice.

Hello, A female voice responds, It’s me.

Who is Me? I ask, but she doesn’t respond, she is predictable though, Oh, I see, what now? I ask.

Nothing, She replies, Just a reality check.

About what?

Your attitude,

What about it?

I observed that when it’s an unknown number, you receive it right away but when it’s me, you don’t, even if I’m trying for hundreds of times. Why?

I don’t I owe you an explanation.

You’re not answering because you don’t have one. Let me tell you the answer; you only care about new people, you don’t care about the people who were with you for so long. How can you be so cold?

You know you’re not making any sense.

Someone calls you for so long and you don’t respond that makes plenty of sense, right?

Am I obliged to make sence?

Why are you torturing me? You forced me to…

Torturing you? Did you forget what you told me last time?

Doesn’t it hurt you?

Look, I took this decision after thinking over thousands of times and after such a decision there is no going back. And of course it hurts me when you impose your blames upon me.

Fine, I was calling you because I wasn’t able to forget you. She says arrogantly, But I will, for sure. It’s a promise to me because I don’t want to cry forever. I don’t want to hope any more out of this bullshit. I want to be happy and I know that I will.

So be it. What else?

Nothing,

I didn’t see this coming. I’m the bad guy now. When morning starts bitter, nothing happens right. My head aches, I can’t even resume my sleep. I was trying to detoxify my mind but… Shubu had already woken up in the middle of this, from his bed he says, This is worse than I imagined.

I’m sorry I woke you up. I reply

It’s all right but you didn’t have to be so insensitive.

I was nice so far. I didn’t tell you something; our relationship was based on childish aspects, we were only sixteen back then. We started to take each other granted without any communication. I was the one who took it so far until I realized that I was trapped. You know I don’t react much, if I had then this would have ended long ago.

I can understand but don’t let these things disturb you. Just relax okay? Don’t feel sorry for this.

"I’m not sorry…

5

…I’m Batman"

O h yes, the mission Dark Knight Rises is finally going to succeed despite of all the odds. It’s been postponed though but only for a day, because twentieth July, yesterday was a working day. This delay does question about the hardcorenses of me being a fan boy, but considering my situation, this is not bad either. I put on my new Batman tee shirt that has my name imprinted on it, along with several other names of somebodies like me from around the world, who are members of an online community; our names appear as a collage that forms an abstract of the holy Bat-symbol.

I travel through a place where a lot of people were killed in a communal riot, just couple of days back. I see some of the vehicular tires used for blocking the road, still burning. The ambience of the atmosphere that consists of rain water washing the ashes, smoke that carries nose burning pungent smell and dilapidated mud walls, spray painted with slogans like ‘Live for Bodoland, Die for Bodoland’, ‘No Bodoland, No Rest,’ – forces me to ask myself; why am I being so excited for a film while people are killing each other? Why am I so insensitively inhuman, just because I’ve waited so long? Then I excuse myself by thinking; what chance do I have to fix this? At least I try to figure out what’s wrong; I share the same emotions like everybody else. I’m not the Batman in body who reflects the full spectrum of such emotions; I’m the Batman in spirit who contributes in global conscience. I close my eyes and think about the thinkers who motivate people to live the present; I live either in memory or in anticipation, my present is a trance as if I’m inside a box that has been thrown into the ocean; although I have the key to unlock it and although I know how to swim, I still can’t get out. Call it the pigeon superstition or I just don’t have stamina. But today, no matter what, I’ll definitely live my present fully and keep the rest on what’s inevitable.

I arrive at Guwahati early in the afternoon, book a hotel room and then search for the multiplex where my ticket is pre-booked. The show begins at six in the evening but I show up there at five and that one hour feels like the longest one hour ever; sometimes I find myself counting the number of pedestrians who walk by, sometimes my eyes find themselves stalking girls, sometimes I try to understand the parking problems around the building, sometimes I think whether or not the location of the multiplex is appropriate and so on, but I don’t count the number of cigarettes I consume in between.

*

At six o’clock I run upstairs to the designated theatre. It’s not as crowded as I expected. I thought everybody would be as crazy as I am. It is a little disappointing to see people not bumping into one another. But, as I step inside the theatre, I feel the cool air of the air conditioner on my face, the air that surrounds me, feels as if the aura of darkness surrounding my body, like Batman’s cape and the thrill begins. This few minutes of anticipation is like holding up an orgasm after one year of foreplay. It begins with a giant Bat-logo on screen, similar to the one on my chest, but more dramatically, cracking it’s way out from a frozen river, forming a metaphor of silence – is the moment I feel I’m really here, to be rewarded of my patience. It’s time to forget my existence for a while and be a Gothamite.

But that never really happens; your body might be there, no matter how hard you concentrate, your mind flies through the cracks of unidentified dimensions, whenever you find a thematic reference to yourself. And then the film seems to be telling your own story. Sometimes the characters’ physical pain reflects your emotional pain, and at the end of the films, most of the times the protagonist’s willpower conquers all the odds and you keep thinking about yours, ‘You’re afraid that if I go out back there,’ says Bruce Wayne, ‘I’ll fail.’

‘No, I’m afraid that you want to.’ When Alfred replies this, it resonates with me directly. Failure is part of life but if we invite it for some reason, there’s something wrong with us. What’s wrong with me?

In between their conversation Bruce mentions, ‘…I did find someone.’ Likewise Alfred says, ‘…you’re not living, you’re just waiting, hoping for things to go bad again.’ And I keep on thinking, how come this captured light on celluloid, shaped like a human being that looks like Sir Michael Caine, who plays a fictional character called Alfred Pennyworth, could read my mind?

Most of the times we resent of having a perfect life in past or while waiting for one in future, we always miss something. We have to learn to replace that void of something, with something else, or at least create an illusion of replacing. No matter how hard we try, the paradox of ‘happily hereafter’ will always tempt us.

*

It wasn’t even half as interesting as its previous part. I hear someone saying this. As I walk out of theatre I look around at the faces to scan their response. Suddenly I have this urge of being a critic, and I get amazed to see a sexy girl walking towards me, wearing a similar tee shirt as me and with a false sense of recognition she says, Hey there.

Hello, I say.

How was it?

I’m a little disappointed, to be honest.

Only a little? says a guy from nowhere, also wearing a similar tee, seems like her boyfriend, There were a lot of flaws, don’t you agree?

I agree, I say, But still I’m thinking that there must me something more to this, because in Nolan I trust.

I thought so too, The girl says, As a standalone movie it was very good but as the third act of a trilogy, I doubt it.

Apart from the plot holes what bothered me was, criticizes the guy, The reprising characters seemed to contradict their own principles in this with respect to the previous ones.

People change mate, I say, But anyways almost everything I predicted, came true. Also few things that I didn’t want to happen did happen. Overall I’m satisfied, maybe not as a film but as a conclusion to Batman’s body and soul.

But of course this could be better, Says the girl, But I can understand the frustration of a filmmaker to continue on the same subject for almost a decade.

You know for me film making is sacred, I explain, "I even try to find good things from bad films you know, but I always like the films that have to offer something more than they appear to be and this was one of those. People would say it was just a movie, not for me. For me fiction is more real than reality."

*

Stranger than fiction Nirav says.

What? I ask back.

You asked me to download this, didn’t you?

Oh yeah, I forgot.

So, With a pause he continues, Are you you really serious?

It seems so.

"How did that happen? I mean all of sudden."

It wasn’t all of sudden.

Then?

Now I take a pause to think and say, If I tell you then you’ll laugh.

Only if it’s funny,

It may sound childish.

Childish dreams are the authentic ones.

If you say so,

You too were sayig something.

Five years ago, in high school, I explain radiantly, I used to fancy someone. I even used to have dreams about her, later I started to analyze those and make notes, eventually they’d take shape, not so bright ones but still, that’s how it started. By the way, the girl is gone and a couch potato is born.

And then?

"As you know, I’m kind of an artist and a film is the combination of literature and visual art…"

And music and performance art and so on.

That’s right; you know I laugh at myself when I think about my so called Animation adventure. One fine day I was with the same girl I was just talking about, I bought a comic book that had a booklet inside, which had a glimpse of the traditional methods of animation and that made me crazy.

All of sudden that craziness disappeared?

No, it graduated, I reply veiled, "Last year when I got my first camera, I got hooked by the magic of photography and the idea of live action film making incepted. It’s easy and better, better for me I’d say and thanks to you that I exposed myself to such versatility of cinema."

"You should watch all kinds of movies then only you can distinguish what’s good and what’s not. But most importantly, you must not be short sighted to unhear the sounds.

Point taken,

So are you going to quit Planning?

Why would I?

I mean if you have already decided then why waste your time?

Well how can I explain this? I pause to think and say, There is always a right moment to act, be impulsive when you think but not when you act, or it’s the other way around? I don’t know. I may have decided something but I am not really confident. You know our college atmosphere, with so many creative people around; it helps me to nurture, express and discover myself. I had to make sure that this film making stuff was not just a passing fancy and now when I’m sure about it, I can’t be disloyal to this atmosphere that has helped me to understand this in the first place. I love Planning but I love Film Making more. And so I’ll plan for it.

So what are your plans?

The plan is that there is no plan. I have two more years left for that.

I have a free advice for you. Nirav says wistfully, You should start from scratch; you shouldn’t be scared of the acuteness of what resources you have around you, make the best use of your time and kick the sky.

I have shot a lot of footages, you know during our trip to Rajasthan last winter. I wanted to do something creative with those but…

I have a video editing software, He interrupts to suggest, Not a professional one but quite a good one for the beginners. You should check it out.

Oh really? I say, Thank you Mr. Fox.

That’s it, a step forward, a baby step but a practical one. In the following days I download a bunch of video tutorials of everything possible related to film making. By the time as it appears to become my soul, I forget to take care of my body. I lose interest in my formal studies. I know I have to manage these ups and downs, I’m not that bad. But honestly, I get disoriented day by day; eating and sleeping habits tend to become counterproductive. However that leaves a good feeling though, as if I’m working hard for my goal. I’ve written a poem, Nirav says, Do you wanna hear?

Sure.

He reads:

I have seen things through various eyes.

But I haven’t seen anything quite like this before.

I wish I could show the world, what I see now.

And still, much remains unexplained, unexplored,

where I have no control at all,

I’ve been trying to achieve the impossible.

And I feel proud of something that doesn’t even exist.

My strength tends to be my weakness time to time.

But I know how to get away from it.

Although I’m brave I still make silly mistakes.

But I’m also concerned about the things that matter.

Although I’m aware of reality I still get tempted by illusions.

And I look at symbols for inspiration,

Maybe because I’m looking for answers from the great unknown

*

6

City Lights

D id Batman help to forget me? Yasemin asks.

Shut up.

It didn’t right? she says in a mocking tone of voice.

You see, honoring your obligation towards the world and taking back what you want at the same time, is not easy at all, not even for Batman.

The more you expect the more you suffer.

I only expect what I deserve.

And on what basis you decide that?

My consistency and dedication,

Your consistency and dedication, huh? How possibly could it change someone’s free will? You’re the one who talks about free will all the time and now it has made you hostile. You’re humiliating yourself.

*

In a couple of months, it’s the first marriage anniversary of Bhutan’s present king. Speculations are that it’s going to be a huge celebration throughout the country. I remember during my last visit here, the royal wedding was about to commence, it was all over the papers. And this time the papers are full of wedding photographs of the royal couple. The whole Thimphu city was in a festive mood; unfortunately I wasn’t there to witness.

Speaking of celebrations, it reminds me of Diwali, Especially my third Diwali in Bhopal. I don’t know how this connection is even relevant but the thing is I never ever get so excited, not even on my birthdays as much as I do on Diwalis; it makes me feel larger than life. From my earliest memory of Diwali till today, the significance of this festival has changed from dust to mountain; earlier it was just crackers, sweets, rituals, good food and a day of vacation, but now I think I am able to see how effectively it brings all the communities together, not so literally but yes it does. It is said that there is no light in the entire universe that can overrun the intensity of the inner light of human spirit. I am aware of the dissatisfaction of Indians living abroad, because of their inability to celebrate fully, I’m fortunate so far. Speaking of fortune it’s also my third Diwali away from home and every year on this day, I feel a bit more detached from family. However that doesn’t bother me much, I have my auxiliary family here, my friends and they have taken good care of me so far. Over the years my father had almost convinced me that Diwali celebration (the way I like it), is nothing but waste of money, we could have saved the money that we waste on fire crackers and help the poor instead. But I say we still can help the poor if we want to, why ruin Diwali? They say it’s an exhibition of greed, but I think not. Sometimes I get lost in this paradox. I walk around the neighborhood and observe the