Breathe: A True Story of Letting Go of My Parents Gracefully for I Will See Them Again

Copyright © 2009 by Anne Bland.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2009908075

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4415-6521-1

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4415-6185-5

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4500-0332-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book can be used or reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any manner without prior written permission by the author. Brief quotations within articles and reviews may be used when appropriately referenced to the original work.

The images are either the work of the author or family photos, with the exception of the two images, one of Lewis and Elizabeth, and the other on the back cover of Anne Bland, both are printed with permission.

This work is a true story. However, names have been changed, some relationships of individuals to the author have been altered and there can be more than one person’s characteristics attributed to

the individual.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Picture Index

Dedicated

About the Author

Family Relationships to Anne Bland in Breathe

Preface

Chapter 1     Birthday into Everlasting Life Anne Bland’s Eulogy at the Memorial Service

Chapter 2     There Wasn’t Room in the Eulogy

Chapter 3     What Did That Mean?

Chapter 4     Mom’s Words of Remembrance About Mother

Chapter 5     Mom’s Words of Remembrance About Mama

Chapter 6     Henry Robert Collins Just Kissed My Lips

Chapter 7     When Am I Going to Get Brian to Read the Bible?

Chapter 8     That’s Where We Put Snowball

Chapter 9     Aren’t All the Others in Heaven Too?

Chapter 10   The Pain of It All

Chapter 11   Do Everything

Chapter 12   Decisions to Be Made

Chapter 13   Life After My Mom Passed

Chapter 14   Family Keeper of Memories

Chapter 15   Celebrating My Parents’ Lives

Chapter 16   What Life Is to Me

Chapter 17   This Is My Story

Chapter 18   Reflecting on Family Values

Chapter 19   Be Alert and Treat Them with Respect and Be As Generous As You Think It Is Worth

Chapter 20   Can You Help?

Chapter 21   Parting Thoughts

Picture Index

1. Display at Mom’s Memorial Service

2. Mother and Mom who is pregnant with Barry

3. Mama in her yard

4. The Little White Church

5. Mom, Anne, and Barry reunite with Dad

6. Mom with Anne holding Snowball

7. Mom and Aunt Jeannie in the snow

8. Edna and big sister Beasie

9. Randi making Natalie laugh

10. Mom, Natalie, and Dad after convalescent hospital service

11. Brian and Mom saying goodbye to Dad

12. My loving grandparents

13. Natalie and Dad honoring his father

14. Lewis and Elizabeth experiencing joy with the light

15. Lawrence’s first meal at home

16. Dad and Grandma Joy beaming with pride

17. Natalie and Lawrence on life’s path

18. Mom and Anne sharing a special bond

Disclaimer

This book represents my own opinion, which is based on what I have observed and felt during my lifetime. It is not meant to be a guide or protocol to be followed without determining the outcomes that could occur due to its use. The experiences and ideas are put forth to inspire critical thinking about individual’s own lives, perhaps a person’s way of treating loved ones and the others that he/she encounter on this journey called life.

It is with the greatest respect for everyone’s individuality and religion that I choose to share my experiences at this time. I feel that the opportunity to intimately witness my mom’s passing was part of God’s plan for me and that experience has given me the ability to have a voice on so many important aspects of life.

Before acting on any part of the information put forth in this book, I recommend that you speak first with your physician and other healthcare team members as well as leaders within your own religion and place of worship. As with any guideline, it needs to be scrutinized closely for the message it delivers, why it was delivered and special interest of the person delivering the message, your own life and of course tempered with good clinical judgment.

Dedicated

To my mom and dad, who gave me the gift of love so that I was able to love others and who taught me how to let go gracefully when the time came.

To my husband Lawrence and daughter Natalie for their love and support as I wrote this book after my mom’s recent passing. Upon the completion of this book, I can now go back to living my life as God has planned for me.

To my two brothers, Barry and Brian, who have dealt so well with the loss of our parents and continue to be my best friends as well.

To my extended family and friends who have brought me joy and who I have shared and learned so many wonderful stories from about life.

To my patients and their families who have taught me how to deal with so many difficult aspects of life. It is poignant when they are the most vulnerable and look you straight in the eye and say, I trust you.

To my hospital which has allowed me the opportunity to work with a unique and caring group of healthcare professionals whose mission is to reveal God’s love for all, especially the poor and vulnerable, through our compassionate service.

To my colleagues all over the world who have taught me diversity of practice and the role as healthcare clinicians we all have in optimizing the care we provide every day to every patient in every setting.

To all the individuals, in addition to my parents and other family members, who have functioned as teachers and sounding boards for my religious training: from Sunday school teachers, to priests and ministers, to lay people, to those from different religions who have answered questions when I sought to better understand their faiths.

About the Author

I have chosen to use a pen name, Anne Bland. The contents of the book have been given to me as a gift with my mom’s passing and throughout my life. I simply want to deliver the message and step away so that others may receive the joy. Please do not try to learn my name, for that would change my life. I love my life and it has already been changed so much by the events of my mom’s passing. Who I am is not important; you will see that the message of this book and how it can affect you is what is important.

Following my mom’s wishes at the end of her life has given me an inner peace that so many people seek all of their lives. If this book and stories have touched you in any way, let that change your life. The time between now and when your earthly life ends can go fast, just like the blink of an eye compared to the length of eternity. It is not too late to get it right and help others. Seek the people in your own life that you need to reach out to, possibly even in your own family, provide the love and assistance now. Then you will be capable of expanding that love and compassion to help others in your community, and even globally to those who desperately need compassionate and loving care. Open your eyes so that you may see.

Preface

I was going to publish Breathe online, but this book is meant to be read from cover to cover. It is designed to be held in your hands and perceived as something of worth. Just as I write in the margins of the books that I read, I would like you as the reader to write down thoughts of your own. I take pleasure in doing this especially with my Bible.

For those individuals on Twitter you might enjoy this conversation I recently had with my husband and daughter at lunch. Knowing nothing about Twitter, I wanted to understand it. I thought since everyone seems to use this, why don’t I just put my book on Twitter. Lawrence and Natalie have not used this method of communication, but they did know you only put a sentence or two on Twitter to stay connected with friends, family and co-workers. Just shaking their heads, and increasing the sternness in their voices they said, No one on Twitter would be interested in your book. But I still was not sure exactly what Twitter was and I did not want to give up. So I said in a calm voice, But I just wanted to give it away free to the most people. I could tell that this was the end of the conversation though, because they were getting exasperated with my ignorance on the topic.

After lunch, our daughter Natalie left to walk home. As my husband was paying the lunch bill, I explained that I just wanted to learn about this new method of communication, that even the President uses it. Lawrence took a deep breath and said, "What does the end of life have to do with starting your life? I responded with, That is really good, I am going to write that down on this paper napkin so I can remember those words and put it in my book."

Breathe is not meant to be a pick and choose cafeteria plan, where you read only one or two chapters. Instead this book should be appreciated in its entirety—no one chapter is the most important. For example if you read only Chapter 1 Birthday into Everlasting Life and neglected to read Chapter 21 Can You Help, you would have missed an opportunity, essentially one of the vital points of the book!

If you read only bits and pieces, you would never realize that this book is meant to change your life, to help your family and hopefully others throughout the world. If you only plan to read a specific chapter in Breathe, I prefer you not buy the book. I feel there was a reason for my mom’s passing to be made public, even if I have used a pen name. I have shared so many personal aspects and intimate details of her life, passing, and eternal life. Please honor my mom by reading all of the pages of Breathe to get the full meaning of the message.

For those with diminishing eyesight, I decided to use large print in Breathe. Small print is so hard and taxing on precious eyes that tire after years of use. My mom’s eyes would frustrate her so easily as she got older. Mom would say, Getting old is not for sissies. She only could work on her crossword puzzles, read music and read for a few minutes each day. Mom felt the Bible was the most important book to use her declining vision on, but for some reason she never told me that her eyes hurt when she read her Bible.

I have learned a great deal about myself by writing Breathe. The women in my life which started with my great-grandmother and instilled gracefully forward with each generation have shaped who I am, how I view life, my faith and have provided me with an inner peace. It is as if I have viewed my life through their eyes. These are not old tired eyes to me, but are evident of eyes that have lived wonderful lives and have lovingly cared for their families, hold strong values, and have faith in God through it all. My grandfather taught me love of family and an abiding love of God and, of course, a sense of humor. My dad taught me honor and respect, do the right thing, and love of God and Country. The nurturing process is so evident in this book. May Breathe add to your journey in life, provide you with clarity, and allow you the opportunity to help others.

Respectfully,

Anne Bland

Chapter 1

Birthday into Everlasting Life

Anne Bland’s Eulogy at the Memorial Service

It was my honor to be the daughter of Beasie Collins. It was a privilege to take care of my mom each day and night in the hospital during the last two weeks of her life. There was a sense of sadness Mom had had ever since Dad had passed nearly a decade ago. Dad and Christ were calling her home all these years.

The entire two weeks in the hospital were very intense and filled with medical anomalies. Mom acquiesced to my decisions each time. I was her designated agent to make healthcare decisions documented in her Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care (DPAHC). Also I knew her specific directives: no cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR), no ventilator, and no pain. Mom had major abdominal surgery the second day in the hospital. No bones were broken, but the lining of her lung was pierced to remove fluid during her last week in the hospital.

The no pain was the most difficult directive to deal with. I weighed carefully which therapy should be used, the degree of pain it might inflict, and its ability to improve her clinical status. Because of my many years of working closely with physicians they were kind enough to allow me the opportunity to stay in the room for procedures when I asked to be present. I was ready to ask them to stop if Mom said, No more.

Display at Mom’s Memorial Service

The area below where I am speaking to you is how the side of Mom’s bed looked at the hospital. There was a beautiful painting just completed by the husband of my dear friend Melanie. Mom’s eyes lit up when Melanie brought it in for me to see so we decided to leave it in her hospital room. The chair is where I sat during the day when Mom would sleep. The jacket on the chair from Mr. and Mrs. McDonald, however, was not in the hospital. I brought it to the memorial service today for you to see the gift. It was given to Mom to remind her of Dad. It was a jacket from the company where Dad had worked during one of his many careers. Mom would wear the jacket all the time at home.

During the hospital stay, I demanded the highest level of care by every clinician working with Mom. I told them, Think outside the box. Why is she not getting better? I knew I only had a short