Change 1 Behavior: Improve Your Life

Copyright © 2017 Sharon W. Penn

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

1 (877) 407-4847

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7188-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7189-6 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 07/11/2017

Contents

Introduction : A Guide for Life

Chapter 1. Mentally Healthy People

Worksheet 1: Rate Your Mental Well-Being

Chapter 2. Why It’s Hard to Change A Habit

Worksheet 2: Steps to Change a Habit

Chapter 3. Are You Addicted?

Worksheet 3: The Audit

Chapter 4. Behavior Change: Convey Your Approachability

Worksheet 4: Approachability Checklist

Chapter 5. Behavior Change: Boost Your Self-Esteem

Worksheet 5A: Self-Esteem Survey

Worksheet 5B: SELF-ESTEEM Review

Chapter 6. Behavior Change: Try The Blues Busters

Worksheet 6B: Blues Busters Checklist

Chapter 7. Behavior Change: Manage Your Anger

Worksheet 7A: Anger Rating Scale

Worksheet 7B: Manage Your Anger

Chapter 8. Behavior Change: Enhance Your Personal Relationship

Worksheet 8: Relationship Review for Couples

Chapter 9. Behavior Change: Focus On Healthy Living

Worksheet 9: Healthy Habits Checklist

Chapter 10. Behavior Change: Treasure Your Friendships

Worksheet 10: Friendship Checklist

Chapter 11. Behavior Change: Choose To Age Gracefully

Worksheet 11: Age Gracefully Rating

Chapter 12. Behavior Change: Seek Your Spirituality

Worksheet 12: Are You Spiritual?

Chapter 13. Behavior Change: Find Your Humor And Fun

Chapter 14. Behavior Change: Help Yourself To Happiness

Worksheet 14: Habits of Happy People

Chapter 15. Quotes And Other Thoughts

WORKSHEET SECTION

POSTERS

CHAPTER NOTES

A BIBLIOGRAPHY: MORE TO EXPLORE

IF YOU ARE LOOKING IN THIS BOOK FOR HELP:

~Physical Health:

Chapter 9-Behavior Change: Focus On Healthy Living

Chapter 11-Choose To Age Gracefully

~Mental Health:

Chapter 1-Mentally Healthy People

Chapter 2-Why It’s Hard to Change A Habit

Chapter 3-Are You Addicted?

Chapter 5-Boost Your Self-Esteem

Chapter 6-Try The Blues Busters

Chapter 7-Manage Your Anger

Chapter 12-Seek Your Spirituality

Chapter 13-Find Your Humor And Fun

Chapter 14-Help Yourself To Happiness

Relationships:

Chapter 4-Convey Your Approachability

Chapter 7-Manage Your Anger

Chapter 8-Enhance Your Personal Relationship

Chapter 10-Treasure Your Friendships

Dedication

This book is dedicated to

my children and grandchildren.

I especially want to thank my daughters,

Jane Hinton and Diane Jeffers,

who have been a tremendous help with this book.

It’s been more fun to write it with their help

of ideas, feedback, editing, and total support.

Acknowledgements

I would not have been able to write this book without the help of the research groups and individuals who were willing to test the concepts of changing behaviors. Making the changes would not have been easy if we had not had each other for the tasks. Thanks to each of you in the name of friendship and science.

I want to thank the many friends who helped me by reading and commenting on the chapters, and those who encouraged me to write.

Emily C. Winslett is my good friend from kindergarten days. We named our daughters for each other, traveled to Europe together, and have remained friends all these years. I thought of her often as I was writing the chapter on friendship, and she helped me with the chapter on spirituality.

Ellen Waldrop, my sister-in-law and good friend, who is the greatest cheerleader to me, and was a wonderful wife to my brother, Rick. I’m so glad that he found her and had many good years with her before his death.

Margaret Click, Ph.D., Marge was a participant and consultant in my first research project on behavioral change for this book. We also worked together as psychotherapists in private practice. She brings much honesty, knowledge, insight, joy, and enthusiasm to any task, and I consider it a privilege to have her as a friend.

And, I want to acknowledge my late husband, Donald Pennington. He was my rock and my inspiration, always praising my writings, and was my unconditional supporter who helped me complete college with a master’s degree in social work while we were raising our children. He showed me what trustworthiness was in a relationship.

Relationships

This book about change is focused on how people relate to each other. Our relationships with God, other people, and ourselves are the cornerstones of our lives.

One of those relationships is about my two daughters who are depicted on the front of the book. They are seen here, on this page, in an early shot when they were babies.

Following are notes Jane recently wrote to Diane that demonstrate the importance of their connection. Diane has come to the aid of each family member in many ways over the years, and she continues to do so. She is a kind and compassionate person with unconditional love for all of us. We would do well to take lessons from her.

Jane recently put her life on hold and came to help Diane during and after surgery. I wish for you an important relationship such as this:

"Happy birthday wishes to my sister and best friend! You’ve always been there for me when I needed you! Hope today and the next year bring you every good thing you deserve!! I love you!!!!"

Another on Sibling’s Day in April: I have the best sister anyone could ask for, and I’m so happy she’s mine. Love you bunches and thanks for all you do.

Introduction

A GUIDE FOR LIFE

"To exist is to change, To change is to mature,

To mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly."

Henri Bergson

This book about change is a guide you can use for the rest of your life. It can be like the friend you look to in times of need, or it can be used as an aid when someone you know is requesting your help. Open it to any chapter and you will see hope, a way to change behavior patterns slowly, and a way of life.

You can get to know this new friend in several ways. Begin by checking out the chapter titles on the Contents Page. The first three chapters prepare you to know that people can change and have a better life, and, if needed, where to go for more help. Chapters 4 – 14 have different behaviors to consider. You’ll see behaviors that many people want to enhance a bit, or even change. Maybe you’ll only want to tweak one or two things.

You begin by working to change one behavior at a time, and you will see how great you feel and how positively people respond to you. You may incorporate those changes into your life and then wait a while to try other behavior changes. You will do best when you move at your own pace—one week, one month, or longer on each behavior. Some people believe it takes more than 30 days to change a behavior and make it a habit; other opinions range from 21 days to 66 days. You’ll know when your habit has become automatic. Please inform me when your behavior change becomes a habit and how long it took. Email me: [email protected]

This book is not meant to replace the need for mental health counseling. If you or someone you know needs professional help, please contact a mental health provider or call your family doctor. Please see the Chapter Notes for more information. (See the Contents for Chapter Notes page number.)

Research teams and individuals working with me tested the behaviors and tasks that are used in this book to make sure they are both workable and changeable. Mental health professional consultants were available at all times and were a part of the research teams that met often. The groups stayed in touch with me and each other by email and telephone, sometimes on a daily basis.

There are 11 chapters on behavior changes (Chapters 4 - 14) in this book—one for each behavior goal addressed. (Please see the Contents page.) You probably will not work on every goal listed in the book. You will have priorities at this time, and later you may have other behaviors you will choose to enhance or change. Each chapter is arranged so that if you decide to work on a particular behavior, you can start there and not have to read guidelines in another area of the book.

Each chapter is self-contained, which makes it user-friendly. There are assessments at the end of each chapter on most behaviors addressed for you to complete (also located in the Worksheet Section). The worksheet number corresponds to the chapter number. When there are two assessments to a chapter, they are labeled A and B.

I’ve created posters for the behaviors covered in the book. They are included in both the behavior chapter contents and a Posters Section. You can print these to display as a reminder that you are making a change and have the guidelines posted.

The behaviors addressed in this book:

~Aging (attitude, memory, pain)

~Anger

~Approachability

~Depression (blues busters)

~Friendships

~Happiness

~Healthy Living (diet, exercise, sleep)

~Humor and Fun

~Relationships for Couples

~Self-Esteem

~Spirituality

Additional behaviors will be addressed on my website: www.sharonwpenn.com. Some of the behaviors discussed later will be:

~Communicate Clearly

~Conflict Resolution and Cooperation

~Forgiveness

~Gratitude and Generosity

~Memory and Alzheimer’s Disease

~Mindfulness for Self-Awareness

~Motivation, Tolerance, and Patience

~Positive Thoughts & Expressions

~Reasoning with Unreasonable People

~Stress Points & Self-Soothing

Please tell me the behaviors you’d like to see addressed first, suggestions for additional behavior-change information you may want, and your comments on this book’s usefulness. Email me: [email protected]

Complete the Checklist and Sign a Contract. You will find, at the end of each behavior chapter (4 – 14), a checklist and contract which, if you decide to make a behavior change, you can make a copy, sign it, and place it where you will see it often. The checking off of the commitments you will make and the signing of the contract will reinforce that you are committed to the goal of changing or improving that particular behavior, and have agreed to make the changes addressed in that chapter. Review the contract often to keep focused on your goal.

Groups Change Together. You may want to get together with other like-minded people using this book to bring about change. My research has shown that by supporting one another, we can stick to something longer and more consistently. Our research teams found this to be true. We met together regularly to discuss how the tasks were useful, what worked for them and what did not, and we became closer because we had shared goals. This group effort was a motivator which encouraged people to stick with the program. Try it; you will see that it works. Just two people working on a common goal can be the key to success.

Keep a Journal. You may want to keep a journal about your progress and your feelings as you work toward behavior changes. Writing something down in a journal helps in at least two ways. It can be used as a road map to help you see where you have been and where you are going. It can also be a record of validity—reminding you that you are making changes and how it is occurring. You will probably find other benefits to keeping a journal as you write in it. You may also want to post your progress on social media and then have others join you there. Please let me know how you benefit as you take this journey. Email me: [email protected]

You Helping Others. Family members, friends, co-workers, and others will see the changes in you and may request your advice with a problem they have, or a behavior they want to change or enhance. You can then direct them to this book for guidance, or you can work together toward a goal. And you will be able to help them see it can be easy to make a change using these guides.

Changing. I don’t mean to imply that change is easy, because it is not. Psychotherapist Dr. Margaret Click, who was a consultant on our research team said, Change occurs through relearning, restructuring, redefining old, used, or even abused behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that progress from bad to good, unhealthy to healthy, from negative to positive positions.

Dr. Click continues, In my opinion, whenever people are unhappy, they are holding on to a belief that no longer works for them, but they believe they are supposed to think that way, and this, in turn, creates conflict but rarely creates change. Most people are fearful of change in that they know what they already have and become anxious about the future with changes in the unknown.

Change creates more change. The research teams and individuals, testing the concepts that are the basis for this book, can tell you that changing your own behavior can cause a change in the people with whom you interact. Dr. Wayne Dyer, the author of 20 books and a self-development speaker, said in The Power of Intention (2004), When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I think that includes people changing their behavior toward you when your behavior changes toward them.

Isn’t it a great concept to envision that the world can change when we work—person by person—to change, starting with ourselves? Anthropologist Margaret Mead, in The Utne Reader (1992) said, Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. You can be one of that group