Reframe Your Story

Praise for Reframe Your Story

"Reframe Your Story is a life-altering book. If you’re prone to fretting about all you’re not doing and quickly dismissing all that you are (for your organization, your kids or yourself), you need this book. Tammy Heermann weaves together inspiring stories, compelling research findings and practical how-to steps into a compelling call to action."

Liane Davey, New York Times–bestselling author of You First and The Good Fight

"The single biggest limiting factor standing between you and the life you want is the story you are telling yourself. With Reframe Your Story, Tammy Heermann teaches you how to change your life. I saw myself in these pages, and you will too. Do not miss this book."

Laura Gassner Otting, Washington Post–bestselling author of Limitless

"An incredible resource for women at all stages of their careers and a must-read for anyone who coaches, leads or mentors women. With Reframe Your Story, Tammy Heermann has given us a generous gift—an accessible collection of insights powered by storytelling."

Beth Wilson, CEO, Dentons Canada LLP

"An essential read that helps women reframe the stories they tell themselves, stories that often hold them back and prevent them from achieving their full potential. Reframe Your Story is filled with insightful and relatable examples. Women can put Tammy Heermann’s tools and tips into practice immediately to build their confidence and achieve their personal and professional goals."

Anna Filipopoulos, EVP and chief people and culture officer, Four Seasons Hotels and Resorts

Stories are powerful. In this encouraging book, Tammy Heermann shows us how to reframe our narratives so we feel better about our lives, and do what matters.

Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours and Juliet’s School of Possibilities

The ultimate ‘get it done’ leadership book for badass women who want to take over the world. Actionable, insightful and ass-kicking, it won’t just reframe your story, it will reframe your life!

Leslie Ehm, Wall Street Journal–bestselling author of Swagger

A new expectation for leadership is emerging, and we need more talented women to step into the challenge. This book answers that call.

Jim Reid, chief HR officer, Rogers Communications

Copyright © 2021 by Tammy Heermann

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations, embodied in reviews and articles.

Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Cataloguing in publication information is available from Library and Archives Canada.

ISBN 978-1-77458-116-2 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-77458-117-9 (ebook)

Page Two

pagetwo.com

Edited by Amanda Lewis

Copyedited by Crissy Calhoun

Proofread by Alison Strobel

Cover design by Jennifer Lum

Cover illustration by Michelle Clement

Interior design by Fiona Lee

Ebook by Bright Wing Media

reframeyourstorybook.com

Ava, I hope you’ll think this book’s message is from the olden days. But in case you need it, here it is.

Contents

Introduction:

You Need New Stories

1Believe It’s Possible

2Look Up, Look Out

3Do Less Shit

4Rule That Meeting

5Own It, Flaunt It, Get It

6Think Who before Do

7Lighten Up, Brain

Conclusion:

Our New Stories

Acknowledgments

Notes

Index

Landmarks

Body Matter

Copyright Page

Dedication

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

Cover

Table of Contents

Introduction

You Need New Stories

One day about five years ago, my family was setting out for a walk to the park. My daughter was seven at the time. Just as we started down the sidewalk, she reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me backward.

Mom, stop. Daddy has to walk first.

Confused, I asked her why.

Because he’s the leader, she said.

Even more confused, I asked her why her dad was the leader.

Because he’s a boy.

My heart sank. This from the child of a woman who has spent over a decade working to advance women’s leadership. This from a girl whose father is a progressive feminist. My husband and I were both leaders in our workplaces and we split domestic duties. Everything I was fighting for, everything I thought possible for the future, was dashed in one phrase: Because he’s a boy. What story was our daughter telling herself about her opportunities? I would soon find out what other stories were swirling around in her mind.

When she was eight, my daughter asked me in a fit of exasperation why we couldn’t be a normal family. A perfect TV-normal family where the dad goes to work, and the mom stays home to walk the kid to school and volunteer for field trips. The fascinating thing is that the story she was telling herself was not the norm anymore. She was referring to the fact that I had a career. Not only is female workforce participation high, but in our immediate circle, every woman works outside the home. Many of those women closest to her—her aunts, her friends’ moms, my girlfriends—not only work but are or have been the primary breadwinners.

When she was nine, my daughter came home from school on Equal Pay Day and asked me a series of questions about what she had learned. In her most incredulous voice, she asked how it was possible that a man and a woman could be paid differently for doing the exact same job. She went on to mock the situation, as only an elementary schooler can: So yeah, like, here Mike, here’s your dollar. And Sally, you get seventy-five cents. She stopped and looked at me, imploring, Mom, that’s so stupid. Why? How is that even possible? I worried that her anger would subside and that, like so many women, she would grow up to unconsciously doubt her contribution, her monetary worth and whether she was doing enough to deserve more.

When she was ten, my daughter came home and asked an entirely different question. "Mom, why when a woman has a baby, does it automatically take the name of the dad, even when the mom has her own last name... and she’s the one that had the thing? Sometimes the mom’s name gets put in the middle, but no one ever says it. It’s like it’s not even there!"

She was already thinking about the roles of parents, about the pecking order in society and about her lasting impact. But would she remain steadfast in her conviction, ready to change the world like so many young girls when they start out? Or would she acquiesce and tell herself, Well, that’s how it is. What can I possibly do to change it?

My daughter couldn’t see beyond the current reality because she needed new stories. I bet you do too.

If you’re like most women, from the moment you wake all your energy is put into making it through the day. Pick the right outfit, do your hair, execute your well-honed five-minute makeup routine, brush your teeth but be sure it’s after you eat and have coffee and before you insert the Invisalign, but for god’s sake don’t drip on your clothes. If you take care of other life forms, there’s the barking and screaming to abate, organize and get on their way. Exercise? Hmm, not today. By the time you start work, you’re exhausted. You’ve lived your day by nine a.m.

You dive into endless emails, voicemails, pings, notifications, pop-ups, chats and knocks on the door. There’s no time to breathe, let alone pee or nourish yourself. You scurry from one commitment to another as you constantly monitor yourself and your impact, trying to add value, make a difference, speak up, stand out, be passionate but not emotional, be decisive but not assertive. All the while, random worrisome thoughts interrupt your flow. Did I sign the form? What’s for dinner tonight? Is Cori’s uniform clean? Did I pay the dog walker? Did I send a card for that birthday? Focus. Back to work. Did my team send that report yet? Can I get a few minutes with my boss to discuss that crisis? Have I checked with his admin?

Somehow, it’s the afternoon and you haven’t eaten yet. You haven’t even begun to tackle the crucial to-do list, and yet magically more urgent things have arisen to surpass yesterday’s. And great, tomorrow you’re supposed to attend a workshop for female leaders. You’re supposed to talk about your aspirations and dreams and goals of rising up. As if. It would be nice, maybe, if you had the time. Right now, not a chance.

That’s where I’ve met you, or women like you. I’ve met thousands of women over the past decade from around the world. I hear stories of exhaustion stemming from the responsibility for everything at home and at work. I hear the fury and the resentment of being overlooked, unheard and passed over. I hear story after story of heartache, heartbreak and heartburn. Amazing women like you have let me into your world by sharing your doubts, your regrets, your concerns, your pressures. I hear stories of single moms struggling, of breakdowns and burnout, of illness and tragedy, of toxic cultures and bosses, of abuse and danger. I hear your stories of exhaustion. I hear your stories of hopelessness. They are real.

I also hear other stories. Stories of hope and potential. Stories of taking on new roles and letting go of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. Stories of promotion and pride. Stories of learning and mentorship. Stories of gaining control and possibility. But the sad reality is there’s not enough of these stories. And there should be. There needs to be. There will be.

Why the stories you tell yourself are important

Stories are central to being human. They are the primary way we communicate at school, at work and around the dinner table. We read stories in books, we watch them on screens and we listen to them on podcasts, radios, around the boardroom and around the campfire. They are passed down from generation to generation and help shape our knowledge, beliefs and values. We love to hear a good story and we marvel at great storytellers, whether it’s your CEO, your grandma or Steven Spielberg.

We know the power of story. We understand that stories can change us and others, and they can persuade. They can make us feel happy and hopeful, like Toy Story or Forrest Gump, or they can make us feel miserable and disappointed, like the series finale of How I Met Your Mother or Game of Thrones, depending on what you’re into. Stories can boost bravery or feed fear. They can unite us or destroy us.

However, we rarely examine the most important stories: those we tell ourselves. We pay no attention to the vivid characters we have created in our own minds. Just like in a classic tale, there are villains and heroes, plot points and highs and lows. You tell yourself stories every day about your value, your worth, your capabilities and your skills, which taken together rival the best Agatha Christie novel. You create inner dialogues that match Margaret Atwood’s or Jane Austen’s. Shonda Rhimes would be envious of the intrigue, conspiracy and deception that live in your stories. Don’t believe me? Think of the last fight you had with a friend, relative or partner. Ugh, I’m right, aren’t I?

You have an internal narrative, a plot that continuously runs through your brain. Sometimes it’s quiet and playing in the background and you barely know it’s there (La, la, la, I’m cruising through this meeting like it’s nothing). Sometimes it’s loud and menacing, like when you’re about to make that big presentation (Who is going to listen to you? Literally WHO?). This inner story shapes your sense of self: your beliefs about who you are and what you’re capable of. Sometimes you draw on positive stories to help yourself get through, to build resilience and to muster courage to tackle the tough stuff. And sometimes you draw on and perpetuate the self-limiting stories, ruminating on times you’ve failed.

Why do these stories matter? The stories you tell yourself shape the behaviors in which you engage. If you tell yourself you are brave, that you can do it, that you’ve succeeded in the past, then you will try new things, apply for that job or have that tough conversation with your boss. When you reinforce your best self, you are more likely to try, strive and succeed. If you tell yourself you’re not experienced enough, you don’t know enough or that now is not the time, then you will behave in defeatist ways. You will stop yourself from attempting, from learning.

As Emily and Amelia Nagoski so aptly remind us in Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, you will never completely erase these negative voices, so don’t even try. It’s more helpful to befriend your inner critic and thank it for the part it has played in keeping you safe. The trick is to say, Thank you for trying to help, but now I’m going to trying something new.

Women who grow, excel and advance share commonalities in their mindsets. They tell themselves self-affirming stories for the most part, and when the inevitable self-defeating thoughts materialize, they use strategies to keep them at bay. Don’t worry, I’ll share the strategies with you too. These women also refuse to believe that there are limits on their success. There may have been factors all around them that could have prevented their success, but they didn’t let those get in the way of their own beliefs in what they could accomplish. They tell themselves, their families and their organizations a story that is proud and not riddled with guilt. They don’t believe the world is out to get them or that they have something to prove. If you’re picturing someone giving the patriarchy the middle finger, that’s what I’m picturing too.

Once you change the conversation you’re having with yourself, then you can change the conversations you’re having with others in order to achieve your personal and professional goals. Reframing your story means you can adjust your behaviors, exhibit new skills and transform perceptions others have about what you can accomplish. Yay, you!

The unhelpful stories we tell ourselves

This book is for you if you have doubted yourself or tried to be everything to everyone at all times. It’s for you if you have questioned how you got here or marveled at how you got anywhere. It’s for you if you have told yourself you don’t know enough to speak out at that meeting, that you’re not experienced enough to ask for that opportunity or don’t have enough time to think about your next move, never mind what’s for dinner.

I wrote this book for women. If you identify as a woman, then it is for you. Throughout the book, I draw on research that was conducted on women. It’s safe to assume, however, that the term women in these studies was used to mean cisgender women, those who were assigned female at birth and identify as female. So much of this area of research also excludes nonbinary people, and as a cis woman I acknowledge my limitations in writing about the range of experiences outside my gender identity. I also acknowledge that there is no single universal experience of women and that various intersections of identities impact our experiences.

This book is for anyone who feels that they are constrained by forces larger than themselves and are looking for how to reframe their stories to break through those feelings. It’s also for people (mostly cisgender men) who want to learn how it feels to operate in a world that for the most part is stacked against them. Women are still largely under-represented in management and leadership in corporations, government and society. Biases and stereotypes are rampant; old boys’ clubs, glass ceilings and glass cliffs remain. There is much work to do here, requiring a persistent push for organizations, leaders, cultures and societies to evolve.

Many authors write books that address the ways women can become more effective or take charge of their destiny, while missing the bigger societal and cultural contexts that hold women back. A single mother working multiple jobs and struggling to put food on the table can’t magically hire a nanny. The odds are low that a lone woman in an all-male department will win that promotion after her second maternity leave. These realities have caused a backlash to advice aimed at helping women feel more personally valued, more in control or more empowered.

One study looked at whether it was best to focus on structural issues or the tactical DIY strategies that women can implement themselves. The researchers found that those people who were exposed to the DIY messages were more likely to believe that women have the power to solve gender inequalities at work and, unfortunately, that they are also responsible for both causing the problem and fixing it.

First of all, I’m here to tell you that none of this is your fault. You are not here to be fixed nor are you solely responsible for fixing thousands of years of patriarchy. The unhelpful stories we tell ourselves are a product of the societal and cultural context we’re in. But it still feels shitty to tell ourselves these stories and live with the implications of never keeping up, never getting ahead and never being treated equally or better than. And until we tell ourselves stories that make us feel strong and deserving, we cannot begin to challenge the structural barriers. So yes, there are countless systemic, legal, political, cultural and societal elements that need to change. I get it, I do. It’s just not the focus of my writing here. If you want to read more about that, there are many awesome books out there on the structural issues.

In this book, I speak leader to (aspiring) leader by documenting a pattern of mindsets and behaviors I’ve observed in my work with women. For some of us, the stories we tell ourselves can be even more dangerous and limiting than the structural barriers we face. When we choose to tell ourselves stories that perpetuate feelings of not belonging, of subservience or low worth, we buy into the systemic issues we face. They promote and prolong the power of the dominant narrative. And let’s face it, feeling powerless feels pretty crappy too.

Over a decade of leading women’s development initiatives, I’ve found that women often