Becoming Toxic Person Proof

Praise

This book is THE next step once you have discovered you are in a toxic relationship and are motivated to rebound without repeating! You will learn the steps and solutions to become Toxic Person Proof and how to strengthen your strengths and boost your boundaries.

—Beth

A must-read if you’re sick of spinning your wheels diagnosing toxic people and want to break free.

—Bridgette

Toxic Person Proof is a book that takes you on a journey of knowing, growing, and protecting yourself from toxic encounters/relationships. No one is immune to toxic encounters. This book teaches you how to keep safe and win in life!

—Jennifer

This book is a must read to get out of the why do they do that cycle after a toxic relationship or encounter. In a humorous and engaging manner, this book provides guidance in a strategic direction toward a Toxic Person Proof future. Finally, there’s light at the end of the tunnel! Thanks so much, Sarah K Ramsey for sharing your knowledge and success!

—Shawn

Ready to focus on you and your best life? This book helps you move toward your dreams and leave your past behind.

—Suzy

So you know you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. You’ve spent weeks slogging through videos on the internet identifying all his toxic traits. Now that you know what happened, how do you reclaim yourself and your dreams without being sideswiped by another toxic person?

In this book, Sarah K Ramsey leads you through the journey of avoiding the pitfalls of toxic people to become the BEST version of yourself. Enjoy the read; hang on for the ride!

—Kathy

Becoming

Toxic

Person

Proof

Sarah K Ramsey

Copyright © 2021 Sarah K Ramsey

All rights reserved.

This book contains information relating to mental well being. It should be used to supplement rather than advice of your doctor or another trained health professional. If you know you have a health problem, it is recommended that you seek your physician’s advice before embarking on any medical program or treatment. All efforts have been made to assure the accuracy of the information contained in the book as of the date of publication. This publisher and author disclaim liability for any medical outcomes that may result from applying the methods suggested in this book.

ISBN: Hardback 978-1-64184-595-3

ISBN: Paperback 978-1-64184-596-0

ISBN: Ebook 978-1-64184-597-7

Published By LionHead Publishing

Dedicated to the Wondrous Women of the past, present, and future.

Contents

Acknowledgements

Preface

Intro: Defining Toxic Person Proof™

Part 1: Getting Control Of Your Head, Your Heart And Your Life

Chapter 1: Protecting The One Person You Are Stuck With For Life

Chapter 2: Learning To See Red Flags

Chapter 3: Yes, Toxic People Know What They Are Doing

Chapter 4: Uncovering Your Blindspots

Chapter 5: Learning The Right Lessons

Chapter 6: Understanding Smart-Girl/Guy Syndrome

Chapter 7: I Need More Data

Part 2: Strategies For Dealing With the Toxic People In Your Life

Chapter 8: The Key to Getting Unstuck

Chapter 9: Mental Strategies To Employ When You Can’t Just Walk Away

Chapter 10: Communicating With Toxic People

Chapter 11: Boundaries

Chapter 12: Trying to Get Other to Understand What You Have Been Through

Chapter 13: Helping People Grow Ears Willing To Hear

Chapter 14: Moving Into Acceptance or Why Can’t Things Be Different

Chapter 15: Learning to Give Yourself Permission

References

Acknowledgements

I am grateful to everyone who made this book a reality starting with my very cute and very wonderful husband who graciously picked up meals and didn’t complain about me writing instead of cooking, my parents who let me use my childhood bedroom to shut out the world and focus on putting words to the page, and my sweet children for giving me the motivation to create a better world for them and their future kids.

Thank you to my editor Elizabeth Lyon and my book design team at JetLaunch for working with my speedy deadlines. I am also forever grateful to James Wilson who has been the first person to see everything I have written over the years.

I’m thankful to all the men and women who allowed me to share their stories in this book and the team of Beta Team readers especially Beth Holmes who graciously took time out of their lives to make this dream a reality.

Of course, none of this would be possible without the tribe of humans who have picked me up when I am down and brought clarity to my own life. Thank you friends for the years in which you have watched me fall, watch me fail and watched me fly. I love and value you more than words can say.

Preface

This book isn’t meant to declare that some people are good and others are bad. This book is meant to suggest that some people are good for you to be around, and some people are bad for you to be around.

Let’s first get clear about what we mean by toxic. I am not addressing someone’s value as a human being; I’m addressing their ability to add value to or take away value from your human experience. Every human can have their own inherent worth; however, that does not mean that every human is worth giving time, energy, and resources.

You are likely to have people in your life who sometimes disrupt it as well as people who will have a long-term pattern of disruptive behavior. As we look into what it means to be toxic, please also remember that truly toxic behavior is a pattern. We all have bad days and bad moments, but most people do not exhibit long-term destructive patterns or a constant collection of destructive moments.

Toxic Behaviors May Include:

Having one set of rules for themselves and a different set of rules for others.

Having wants, needs, moods, and interests that always take priority over those of others.

Needing it to always be their turn.

Doing something nice for you or someone you care about in order to change your mind about something.

Focusing on image management and being willing to do good things as long as it makes them look good.

Behaving one way in public and another way in private.

Avoiding responsibility.

Using their anger or aggression to get their way and compel others to back down.

Using your vulnerabilities against you to get their way.

Getting you to do the work of the relationship.

Being predictably unpredictable.

Constantly needing others to bail them out of problems they create.

Denying responsibility for their own life and the consequences of their own behaviors.

Having a consistent pattern of lying and secrets.

Being masters at "The Flip’’ and turning everything back on you. In fact, if you showed them this list, they could probably talk you into the notion that you are the toxic one.

Always finding trouble. If they get bored, they may start trouble. As Hank Moody in Californication tells us, I don’t find trouble, trouble just finds me.¹ If they have a pattern of trouble, then they are trouble for you.

Finding ways to significantly punish you when they don’t get their way. You start to feel like you are getting trained. This is not your imagination. You are being trained.

Making you feel small, wrong, overly responsible, and/or consistently confused.

Turning things around so they always get away with things.

Switching between being the know-it-all hero and the you-owe-me-this victim.

Toxic Behaviors Do NOT Include:

Needy sometimes.

Angry sometimes.

Having a bad day every once in a while.

Saying something they didn’t mean.

Awkward to talk to.

Sometimes acting like they know it all.

Bossy sometimes.

Going through a hard time and needing to create space for themselves to heal, which could mean not being there for work or relationships in ways they have been in the past.

Annoying sometimes.

Negative sometimes.

Whiny sometimes.

Irritating sometimes.

Selfish sometimes

Dramatic sometimes.

Controlling sometimes. (Please notice the word sometimes.)

Avoiding things sometimes.

No sense of humor.

Not likable sometimes.

Someone who rubs you the wrong way sometimes.

Someone who doesn’t do what you want.

Think about it this way: Imagine you pack your work fridge with your favorite sparkling water. A frustrating person may take your water or put their food in front of your water. A frustrating person may sip his own water so loudly that it distracts you from work.

A toxic person, on the other hand, is much more than just frustrating. A toxic person will play mind tricks on you to gain the upper hand. In fact, they might trick you into believing that the reason you were able to buy the water in the first place was because the toxic person was so wonderful! Or, the toxic person might consistently forget his or her water, spill their water, or pour their water on someone else and then expect you to give them all of your water. When you don’t want to give them your water, they will make sure everyone at the office knows you are a horrible person for not doing so. They will perhaps convince everyone that you are not a team player and deserve to be fired. Then, to make the situation even more confusing, they might try to be nice to you and suggest that if you trade offices with them, they will make this all go away. Battle shocked, you will give them your office and then sign up for mental health sessions, trying to figure out what in the world happened and why they made such a big deal out of the water. You will find yourself feeling grateful toward the toxic person because he saved your job—and yet angry at the toxic person because you had to give up your office. You will be extremely confused and unsure of what just happened. You will not be able to figure out if you are a bad person for not giving him the water or if he is a bad person for asking for the water and causing such a scene. You will find yourself asking what is wrong with you and wondering if you can trust your own reality.

In this book, we will use the term toxic person encounter interchangeably with the term toxic relationship. If your life has been negatively affected because of a coworker, friend, parent, partner, or loved one, then you have had a toxic person encounter. The term toxic relationship often has a romantic connotation. However, toxic person encounters do not only happen within romantic encounters, and toxic people damage people other than their lovers.

Some readers’ toxic person encounters will have lasted ten weeks, while other readers will have dealt with a toxic person for ten years. This book will help both readers become Toxic Person Proof™ by helping them understand what type of person they are dealing with and helping them decide how to handle difficult personalities.

Intro

Defining Toxic Person Proof™

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.

—Audre Lorde

Have you ever participated in an ice breaker exercise where you were asked, If you could choose a superpower, what would it be? If you were a teenage boy, you may have chosen X-ray vision. If you were a mother with young kids, you probably chose to have an extra set of arms when needed. If you were climbing the ladder in your career, you possibly chose the ability to function without sleep. Maybe you wanted to predict the future (hello, stock market!) or fly like a bird or swim like a fish. Maybe you wanted to read minds.

I wanted to become Toxic Person Proof™.

I wanted to stop being taken advantage of, stop the habit of people pleasing, stop wasting my dreams on people who had no plans to change, and stop wasting my words on people who had no desire to listen. I wanted to feel safe in my own skin again, safe in my ability to read a situation, safe in my choices of who I hired and who I let watch my kids, safe in choosing whom I invited into my home and to whom I gave my time.

An individual who is Toxic Person Proof™:

Knows how to be kind without having your kindness used against you.

Has the emotional/social intelligence to move toward healthy people and away from unhealthy people.

Has the confidence to trust himself or herself.

Is able to intentionally control his or her own thoughts, even if someone else is trying to control them.

Has the ability to know herself, grow herself, and protect herself.

www.thevisualinfluence.com

If you want to have those abilities and become Toxic Person Proof™, congratulations! This book is about how to improve your life! The best time to read this book is before you ever experience pain and confusion because of a toxic person. The next best time to read this book is when you want to ensure you never experience the pain and confusion of a toxic person again. This book is for you if you want to learn to protect yourself and those you care about from being tricked, conned, taken advantage of, or fooled.

Fair warning: you are probably going to feel angry while reading sections of this book. You are probably going to get mad at the toxic people who have taken advantage of you and mad at yourself for not seeing the reality sooner. You might be mad at me for pointing out the things you don’t want to see, and mad at yourself as the lightbulbs of the past turn on and the darkness fades away.

Becoming Toxic Person Proof™ is a journey for the brave. Or at least a journey for those who want to be brave! Get ready to confront deeply held thoughts that have served toxic people but haven’t served you. Get ready to see how much parental training, religious training, academic training, or even psychological training has paved the way for toxic people to keep playing their games. Get ready to discover ways you have been vulnerable, and ways your strengths have been used against you. Get ready to gain back more time, money, and sleep as you stop wasting endless hours trying to figure things out with your therapist.

Perhaps obviously, I wanted to become Toxic Person Proof™ because I have not always been Toxic Person Proof™. (Insert blinking lights that read Understatement of the year.)

Before starting this journey and having little-to-no understanding of who was most susceptible to toxic people, I couldn’t comprehend how wonderful people could have their best qualities used against them. The little girl who is willing to help the teacher. The little boy who sticks up for a friend getting bullied. The young teen who’s always checking in on her friends. The person who’s committed to her faith. The person who’s committed to his family. The employee who’s committed to the company. The man trying his best to avoid failing at something. The woman trying her best not to rock the boat. The human trying to remain loyal and do right by others.

These are the people most often taken advantage of by toxic people. People who have had their kindness used against them, and who thought loving was the same as rescuing. People who thought humility was a virtue that entailed trusting everyone else more than they trusted themselves. People who were trying to do the right thing and got duped.

People like me. People like you.

I wrote this book because I want to stop seeing toxic people win. I want to stop hearing story after story of I thought he was a good guy! or I just assumed that if I gave her one more chance, things would change or I thought something was weird, but I told myself I was just being judgmental and went ahead with the deal anyway. This book is designed to keep you safe! There are wonderful people out there, and there are toxic people out there. This book is designed to help you fill your life with healthy people and protect you from toxic people. We will explore the way that toxic behavior exists on a spectrum and get clear on exactly who in your life is toxic.

How to Know if Your Situation Is/Was Toxic

Was my relationship toxic?

Was my mother toxic?

Is my boss a narcissist or just a jerk?

Whose fault was it?

Why did they make me feel like I was the crazy one? No one else ever said that about me.

Do you think they have a personality disorder?

These are common questions asked by those who are concerned about being in (or having been in) a toxic relationship. Studying personality disorders that can be overlapped with addiction issues that can be overlapped with mental health issues that can be overlapped with infidelity that can be overlapped with trauma that can be overlapped with selfishness can be a bit confusing, to say the least. Even that sentence is confusing!

Taking an intense look at personality disorders is not the purpose of this book. The resources already available on this topic are nearly endless and include the areas of the Dark Triad, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and addiction. Further, diagnosing toxic people is not the purpose of this book. My gift to you is not more research on toxic people! My gift to you is teaching you how to trust yourself, even if a toxic person is trying to confuse you.

Unfortunately, simply