Inside Looking Out: Discovering A Mindful Way to Conquer Depression

Introduction

Anyone can suffer from bipolar disorder. In the UK, 2.4 million people have bipolar disorder.¹ In 2013, an estimated three million Canadians aged eighteen years or older reported that they had a mood disorder,² and in the USA bipolar disorder affects 5.7 million people.³ On a global level, the World Health Organization reports that bipolar disorder affects about sixty million people worldwide as of Apr 9, 2018.⁴

This book details the story of my personal battle with bipolar disorder, which knocked me down through seven hospitalizations over a span of ten years. In total, I spent fifty-two weeks of my life in the psychiatric ward of a Toronto hospital. Now, many years later, I am able and willing to share what bipolar disorder did to upset my life and the events that freed me from this disease.

Inside Looking Out will give you a detailed account of all the important findings and discoveries that I have made through my mistakes and my determination to change my lifestyle. My chapters follow a chronological approach and span about forty-five years of my life. I begin with what I believe to be the first signs and symptoms of my health breaking down. I then share my experiences of being hospitalized as if I were a prisoner, when I was overwhelmed with negative emotions of anger and fear. I describe the elation I experienced during music concerts that inspired me to pursue my own dreams and to follow my heart. I give an account of my battle with the voices in my head and how I pushed through multiple breakdowns to achieve an outcome that I wanted. I share my life path from a dysfunctional bipolar disorder patient to a person with high ambitions and a willingness to study, learn, and teach.

It’s fair to say that life gave me a problem with no solution—at least, that is what I was told by the chief of psychiatry at a Toronto hospital. I was quite gullible at the time, and I believed almost everything I read in books and newspapers, or heard on the radio, or saw on television. I just trusted these sources to tell me the truth.

In my case with a professional doctor, my parents and I trusted his diagnosis—or rather, his opinion of my problem. After all, who else could I expect to help me? I thought doctors knew everything about health care.

I hated what the disorder did to my life and how it ruined a relationship with the girl of my dreams. I resented the fact that my perceptions of reality were questionable and not accepted by my parents, friends, or doctor. I was determined to work my way through this problem and find a healthy way to live. I knew deep down inside of me that I was a good person, so it didn’t make any sense to me to be suffering so much as a young man.

Through a combination of various alternative approaches that you will read about in the following chapters, I was able to overcome the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I have not taken any pharmaceutical medications since 1986, nor have I experienced any further hospitalizations for dysfunctional behaviours.

My purpose for writing this book is so that anybody who is interested in the subject can learn about one of the most important problems in the world today. I desire to help anyone who has experienced either mild or severe cases of bipolar disorder, and anyone who is searching for personal wellness and freedom from pharmaceutical drugs. I am confident there is hope for those who are suffering with bipolar disorder who want to get better and are willing to accept the challenge. Taking control of your own life, setting goals, and making positive choices can be a tremendous challenge, but if you know that you have the ability to achieve your personal goal to find health and wellness then it is possible to overcome bipolar disorder.

Ultimately, I would like to reduce the number of depression-related suicides in today’s world; according to the Wold Health Organization, there are close to 800,000 suicides per year where depression is a major contributing factor.⁵

Throughout the chapters of Inside Looking Out, you will learn about the alternative services I found and the approaches that were highly effective for me. As you read and learn, you will begin to understand how our bodies function in relation to our food and our thoughts. It is our right to decide and choose what we put inside our bodies and our minds.

In the ‘70s, manic depression was the term used to describe a set of symptoms now renamed as bipolar disorder. Throughout this book, I will use both terms to refer to the same set of symptoms.

A label such as bipolar disorder is a convenient method of grouping four or five symptoms of disease for the practice of prescribing a drug treatment plan for patients. We are not considered as persons with a problem; instead, we are grouped according to symptoms and labelled as a diabetic, a manic-depressive patient, or a cancer patient. We are pigeon-holed by these labels and offered limited treatment options as a result. It is time to review our health care system and redefine the meaning of health and disease.

For me, making a contribution to the world at large by openly discussing a topic that needs exposure is of the utmost importance. I am humbled to be the one who stimulates a discussion that may change the world by helping others to love their own lives as much as I have learned to love my own.

Thank you in advance for reading Inside Looking Out.

¹ Mental Health Statistics: bipolar. Mental Health Foundation,

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/statistics/mental-health-statistics-bipolar

² Depression and suicidal ideation among Canadians aged 15 to 25. Statistics Canada,

www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/82-003-x/2017001/article/14697-eng.htm

³ 8 Myths about Bipolar Disorder. WebMD,

www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/features/8-myths-about-bipolar-disorder

⁴ Mental Disorders. World Health Organization,

www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-disorders

⁵ Global Health Observatory Data. World Health Organization, www.who.int/gho/mental_health/suicide_rates/en/

Chapter 1

My Trip to Europe

My experience with bipolar disorder began during my trip to Europe. Some of the events from this trip will help you to understand the circumstances leading up to my first nervous breakdown. And, to further this understanding, I would like to make a connection between my emotional state of being and the coincidences I experienced during this trip.

Most people understand a coincidence to be two events or thoughts happening at the same time. For example, it may be considered a coincidence if I am thinking about phoning my friend, and then my friend calls me at that exact moment. When an event such as this occurs, I may think that it is a little weird, but nothing to think about. If it happens again and again and again, I may think it’s a coincidence—that the world is telling me to pay attention.

My trip to Europe was supposed to be one of fun and adventure, but my search for self-identity and destiny led me into a world of the unknown. As my emotions and energy swung from extremely high moods to devastating lows, I soon discovered that something was going wrong with my health.

Further, my European trip taught me about friendship and loyalty. I appreciated having Parry, my best friend from high school, accompanying me throughout Europe. I felt safe having someone with me that I could talk to and trust. Having a trustworthy friend like Parry was my greatest protection against strangers and thieves.

On a spiritual level, Christ is my friend who taught me through parables of what a friendship could be. I chose Christ because he deserves praise for standing alone against those with evil intentions.

In the winter of 1973, Parry and I set off with a rough plan to visit many countries in Europe, beginning with a two-week stay in England. We talked of seeing great cities like London, Paris, Brussels, and Rome.

When we arrived in Brussels, we purchased a used car and headed south until we found warm summer days. We travelled through France and Spain into the country of Morocco, where we found a quiet beach on the Atlantic coast suitable for camping. We set up a two-person tent about 150 meters away from the breaking waves. With the sound of waves crashing on the shoreline in the background, we created our new home on a beach only a ten-minute walk from the town of Mirleft. Finally, we had the leisure time to do whatever we wanted to do.

Having a friendship with Parry is very special. We met in 1966 and have remained loyal friends ever since. Our trip to Europe taught me a lot about myself because it gave me the chance of seeing myself from Parry’s perspective—our world views were dramatically opposite in some ways, but we were similar in more important ways.

Parry was quite pragmatic. He believed that world peace would never happen because human beings cannot overcome their weaknesses. He argued that history recorded events of human evolution, and he said that humanity’s behaviour patterns were repetitious. He said that the history books are filled with accounts of conflicts at all levels—from personal relationships to world wars. He believed humans are flawed, easily corrupted by greed, jealousy, anger, vengeance, control, and power.

In contrast to Parry’s pragmatic views, I was a dreamer, an idealist, and an optimist. I believed in the teachings of Christ, and that he is the most prominent spiritual leader in the world. I believed that Christ lived his life as an example for all of humanity so that we could learn about what it meant to be a loving human being. I reasoned that there was more to life than material possessions or power or control. I believed in God and the reality of peace on earth, and achieving world peace was of great importance to me.

These conflicting beliefs created division between Parry and I, and through this discord I realized that people everywhere were no different than the two of us, and that everyone will eventually have heated discussions and reject each other’s opinions. We realized that living together in close quarters could lead to a conflict of interest that could cause a break in our relationship, which might end our trip as camping partners. If a problem arose between us, we needed a plan to solve it and stay together no matter who was right or wrong—after all, we were thousands of kilometers from home, and neither of us wanted to be alone in Europe. So, we agreed to flip a coin if we found ourselves in a potentially fracturing disagreement, and whoever lost the toss would yield to the other. Thankfully, we never had to use that coin flip as we both cared about each other enough to protect our friendship. Even though we got angry at each other and disagreed on certain issues, and sometimes we would stop talking to each other because we were both upset, we still managed to resolve our conflicts and continued on our journey as best friends.

During this trip I became connected to something inside of me that needed saying; that part within me I called my moral consciousness. I felt inspired to speak out for justice on God’s behalf, and I believed in the power of God to help me find my purpose and mission in life. I began to think about Jesus’ life every day, and I believed that if I followed Christ’s teachings then I would find heaven on earth. It was a simple concept, but it demanded all of my attention and more. I needed to stay focused with honesty and integrity to prove to myself that I was worthy to serve God in helping achieve peace in the world.

The issue of world peace is incredibly complicated with multiple factors at play, and it was even more difficult to understand at the time because of our limited knowledge base. Each country has different values, interests, beliefs, government, employment rates, economic conditions, and educational issues. There is a universal lack of ambition and infrastructure and a surplus of greed, control, religious conflicts, power struggles, and so much more. Holy wars were happening in parts of the world due to differing beliefs among different religions. I wondered why religious wars even happened—it just seemed logical that different religions would unite in peace, not in war crimes. So many questions around this topic came to mind in my soul-searching days in Europe, and I rarely had answers on hand.

As I searched for my purpose, I chose to pursue the qualities of character that I imagined Christ to have. For me, Christ was an inspiration to help me understand my role in the world and to encourage me to be positive and hopeful. Like a shining star at night, I found reassurance and strength in the Lord whenever I felt insecure, afraid, and weak.

It was Easter weekend and we were camping in the hills of Malaga, Spain, where I found time to connect with Jesus through prayer. I wondered how he felt about the raw deal life had given him. He was an innocent man, charged with a crime he did not commit and put to death on a cross. According to scriptures, he was executed for saying he was God’s