Sing the Mice

Chapter 1: 1982 Tenuem umbilicus

W here have you been , Aline? my mother asked. She shook my shoulders with fury.

School? I wasn’t sure how she expected me to answer.

Our extended family lived in Southern Oregon, in a town, if one could call it a town, of a few hundred rural families. The Chaparral climate supported biodiversity consisting of nature, weirdos, weirdos hiding in nature, and pot plants hiding with weirdos in nature. Aside from living in harmony with nature and weirdos, we didn’t fit in.

Don’t be smart with me. She pinched the back of my arm.

What did I do? I scowled and rubbed the welt forming on my arm.

School got out at three. Where have you been since? You’re supposed to come straight home from the bus stop. She awaited my answer with her hands on her hips.

The school bus dropped me on Lakeshore Drive next to the mailboxes at 3:30. We lived precisely one mile from the stop. One mile equated to a six-minute-and-thirty-second adrenaline-fueled run down an unnamed dirt road that paralleled an unnamed seasonal creek.

I did come straight home, I said, taking a defensive tone. I took my backpack off and dropped it on a dining chair. A pot simmered on the stove behind Mother—rabbit in wild mustard and Uncle George’s experimental wine. I recognized the smell. I’d heard Mother tell Uncle George once that his wine paired well with rabbit. The pantry was full of his wine. She’d not let it go to waste; she’d say until Uncle George perfected his craft, his wine’s highest and best use was in a pot blended with other, more palatable offerings. As far as I was concerned, neither the rabbits nor the wine had become more palatable. I cared for the rabbits, gave them names, cleaned their cages, fed them, and I resented that we ate them.

And what happened to your tights? She grabbed my arm and turned me around to inspect my previously white tights. Is that what you’ve been doing for the last two and a half hours—jumping in puddles? She shook her head with disapproval. Aline, we talked about this. You come straight home from the bus stop. Otherwise, how will I know if you even got on the bus?

I did come home, I whined.

She cocked her head to the side. Are you saying you weren’t playing in puddles? Your tights got muddy by themselves?

It was an accident. I ran home. Please believe me? I had stepped in puddles, but I hadn’t been playing. I’d been running the puddle-pocked dirt road as fast as my legs would carry me. But no matter how hard I tried, I could never have kept the tights clean, with or without puddles. The tights were Mother’s special booby trap. I knew as soon as she pulled them out in the morning that I’d have a lecture coming.

"Maybe you aren’t old enough to be in school," she said and narrowed her gaze on me.

It was a false threat, pulling me from school. I had entered the public school system with considerable hassle on her part and personal embarrassment on mine. With my youthful appearance and much smaller-than-average height, the administrators had accused my parents of forging my birth records to enroll me in elementary school before the allowed age. Apparently, people perpetrated such scams to save money on daycare.

Mother had cleared my enrollment by providing my birth records and an attestation from the family doctor, but suspicious minds still made comments. Are you sure you’re old enough to be in the first grade, baby? my teacher had asked me a few days before, probing to uncover deception. Mrs. Breen, like the stuff inside a whale’s gullet, had gnat-catcher hair and indiscernible eyes under the cataract of grease that smeared her magnifying-glass spectacles. I’m not a baby. I’m seven, I had yelled at her, earning a seat in the corner, where I cried and hyperventilated until I passed out. She sent me home early that day. Mother had sided with Mrs. Breen. Mother never believed me.

It’s almost dinner time, Mother said. She turned her back to me and walked to the stove. "Go get those muddy clothes off. We’ll discuss this with your father. He’s out doing your chores right now," she chided. We grew our own vegetables and kept chickens and rabbits to supplement the limited food available from the local convenience market. It was my job to feed the animals and pull weeds after school, but today I was delayed.

Without hesitation, I ran to the laundry room to remove my clothes. Careful not to make a mess on the floor, I rolled my tights down and thought of the cause of my tardiness. More than once, I’d encountered the green-skinned-serpent creature standing in the bushes next to the road. It waited for me after school. Without moving or speaking, its eyes would follow me with what I perceived as predatory intent. The expression it wore, on its serpentine-featured face, struck me as anger, hunger, or both. And its human-like muscled arms, chest, and neck punctuated the intimidating presence.

Each time I’d discovered the creature waiting in the bushes, my heart raced, and terror propelled my legs to run the road home. Yet with each encounter, the road home took at least an hour longer than it should have. I ran the mile in six minutes and thirty seconds. This I knew because I’d won the mile race at my school’s track meet. Despite my small size and seven years of age, competing in a field of sixth-grade boys, ankle-biting Yellow Star Thistle, and a minefield of gopher holes, I’d won the mile race. Six-minutes-and-thirty-seconds it took me, not hours.

I’d told my parents about the serpent man the first time I’d come home late. At first, they were angry and accused me of making up lies to explain my tardiness, and then they thought it was my imagination or that I must have seen it in a movie. So, I stopped trying to explain why I was late. I didn’t use the serpent man as an excuse again, and they didn’t ask me about him. Those times I’d seen the creature, I had no memory of going anywhere, only the memory of running on the road as if pursued by a mountain lion.

Whether I’d sighted the serpent man or not, each day I’d run the whole mile as fast as I could. Keep your eyes on the ground, I told myself; he’s not real, my parents had told me. But the fear persisted.

IN A CATATONIC STATE, I sat at the dining table. I could hear, but I couldn’t speak or move. My parents had called nearby relatives to help look for me when they’d discovered I wasn’t in my bed. Now, the whole clan stood gathered around the table shouting.

That’s the way I found her, Uncle George said, waving his hand in front of my face. George had picked me up out of the dirt and brought me home. I saw her hair in my headlights from the road, he motioned in the general direction of the road, ... in Dutch’s field curled up in the dirt. My blonde hair was so pale, it reflected light at night.

Where did you go, Aline? my aunt asked.

"Why did you go?" my uncle clarified.

The only thing I could remember were lights and sitting in a plowed dirt field, but I couldn’t speak. They resumed their discussion as though I wasn’t there. My dead-tired eyes stared at my own reflection in the glass of the oven door. The orange linoleum also reflected in the glass, giving the impression my face was afire. Thick cigarette smoke added to the illusion.

Maybe she sleepwalked there, my father said.

My grandmother suggested, Maybe Dutch kidnapped her. Dutch owned the neighbor farm where my uncle had found me. Maybe he did something to her, she added, pacing behind my uncle.

I don’t think so, Claire, Uncle George responded. I found her in the dirt near the road, not near Dutch’s house. And besides, when I found her, Dutch came out of his house to see what all the lights were about. He was surprised.

Lights–I remembered lights. Dutch hadn’t taken me, but I couldn’t tell them. I didn’t know why I was in his field, but I knew it wasn’t his fault. My mother and grandmother glanced at each other, troubled understanding clear on their faces.

Lucky I didn’t get shot. George made a nervous grunt-laugh.

Well, if nothing happened to her, my aunt asked, why is her nightgown on backwards? Silence followed. Maybe we should call the sheriff, she proposed.

Why? He won’t come, my dad reasoned. Or else he’ll come three days from now. He’s the only sheriff for the whole county, and he’s an hour up the highway.

Ben’s right. My uncle nodded in agreement.

Calling the sheriff will just piss off the neighbors. They grow weed, you know. My dad continued. Besides, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with her. He leaned in for closer inspection and tugged at my ear to get my attention.

Maybe when you feel better, Aline, honey, you’ll tell us what happened? my grandmother asked. But I still couldn’t respond. I’m just happy she didn’t get run over crossing the road. No one would have seen her, poor little thing. She ran her fingers through my knotted hair.

Until this moment, Mother had been chain-smoking cigarettes in the corner, one hand feeding her habit and the other rubbing her forehead. She smashed the butt and rushed to me in three fluid steps. Kneeling before my chair, she squeezed my rigid body, and tears rolled down her face.

Let’s put her to bed, June, my grandmother said to my mother. Mother scooped me up, and we left the kitchen. My toes inched into her high-waist jeans pockets, and my head curled into her neck. Grandmother followed, but not before shooting my dad a disquieting glance.

Must have been sleepwalking, I heard him mutter behind me.

That night I slept so hard; by morning, I’d almost forgotten about my experience the night before. The sound of driveway gravel crunching under Dad’s truck tires woke me, and I bumbled down the hallway, stomach howling for breakfast. Where would he have gone in the morning, I wondered. Grandmother’s voice made me stop in the hall. Why was she still here? Had they stayed up all night talking?

Hidden in the hall, I scratched my head, trying to decide if I should go back to bed. Grandmother and Mother conversed in hushed tones until Dad walked in the door.

Morning, Claire, Dad greeted my grandmother.

Did you get the milk? Mother asked him.

Sure did.

And? Grandmother asked him, expectation in her voice.

And ... the manager over at Ray’s said some people came in the store last night saying they saw lights over on Onion Mountain, up by Grants Pass. And George asked around too. A firefighter from Cave Junction told him some people called in a possible fire. Orange glow in the Klamath Mountains. But it turned out it was on the California side over by Happy Camp, so CalFire investigated, and they didn’t find anything.

Shoot, Grandmother said, "I thought we’d moved far enough away from all that. They won’t tell you anything, even if they know. The last time I saw one of those things, it was flying over the car on 101. It was night, but on 101—lots of people had to have seen it. I called it in, and they told me Vandenberg was testing rockets. A rocket that flies horizontal—can you believe that! She sounded incensed. I never saw a rocket like that. Well, I won’t move again. We’ll just have to live with it. Poor kid. She’ll get used to it. Or we will."

Mother mumbled a response, and then they said their goodbyes, and Grandmother went home. I ate three bowls of corn flakes with a spoonful of sugar on each, and Mother didn’t stop me. No one brought the incident up again.

Within a week, my middle finger had swelled with a black sliver embedded deep in the flesh. That’s got to come out, Dad said, removing his pocket knife from its leather holster. His right hand gripped mine, and his other hand performed surgery while he pinched my squirming torso between his thighs. You have to hold still, or I can’t get it, he said with an exasperated tone as the object continued to elude him.

Flayed to the bone, my fingertip streamed blood. I screamed and sweat, but he prevailed and removed the object, a thin piece of metal like a broken needle tip, only black.  As soon as he released me, I ran from him like a feral animal.

Don’t you want to see it? he called after me, displaying the black bit on his fingertip.

I hate you. I never want to see you again. I continued to run, pinching my bleeding finger.

He yelled, It had to come out, Aline.

I climbed the nearest bay tree and spied him from a safe distance. He dropped the bloody sliver on the ground and then stomped and twisted it under his boot, as one would a yellow jacket that might spring back to life. He bent to inspect it, stood, and then ground it again under his heel.

After my experience of being found in the neighbor’s field, for reasons unknown to me, I had a powerful urge to stargaze. For this purpose, I grew a grass patch in the middle of our own vegetable field. I raked the soil smooth, seeded, and watered the patch until the blades grew to a finger’s depth. At dusk, I’d skip barefoot over the forest scorpions’ dens on the worn dirt path to reach my bed of green. There I’d fall asleep to mewling Myotis bats as they swooped for Sphingidae moths against a backdrop of shooting stars. Mother would sit vigil, watching from the kitchen window. When I fell asleep, she’d collect me and place me securely in my bed, where I would find myself in the morning. On these starlit nights, I knew how I ended up in my bed and where my time had gone.

Life returned to normal. I went to school, learned to read well on my own, no thanks to the unconvinced Mrs. Breen, who had tried to hold me back a year because she didn’t think I was ready to move on with the older children. But Dad talked sense into her.

I didn’t have any more trouble at school until the third grade when they administered what they told the students was a career aptitude test. On my score sheet, next to some numbers that had no meaning to me, the suggested career column read: lumberjack. I asked the teacher why the test thought I should be a lumberjack. He responded, Well, it says here you have an interest in nature, and the test takes into account where you live. Lumberjack is a fine career for an Oregonian. Don’t you want to be a lumberjack? He laughed, and I understood he wasn’t serious.

Never mind that I had grown to only two-thirds the size of my peers, the visage of my wisp of a body wielding a chainsaw almost made me want to be a lumberjack. My parents found my test result disconcerting.

When I got home from school that day, I rushed through my chores. Mother found me in the garden hanging a spent sunflower stalk from a tree branch, root ball attached, to create a pendulum. I climbed down from the tree.

Aline, I talked to your teacher today, she said, as though it was a regular occurrence. He says you don’t play with the other kids at recess.

I had thought she’d bring up the lumberjack thing. I play, I said with a defensive tone and then swung the sunflower stalk and root. I took her hand and led her out of its orbit.

Do you have any friends at school?

I don’t know. Sure. I watched my makeshift pendulum complete a few circuits and then groaned.

What’s the problem? Mother asked.

It’s not right.

Looks pretty good to me, she frowned. What is it?

I want it to move like ... I couldn’t describe what I wanted it to move like. Like up there. I pointed to the sky, to the location of the mashup of stars I regularly viewed at night from my grass patch.

What do you play with your friends? she asked, changing the subject. Her eyes took on a glassy look as if tears might spring forth if I answered incorrectly.

I faced her and answered straight. Monkey bars and hula hoop. They aren’t very good at it, though.

The teacher says you go sit under a tree far from the playground.

Sometimes. I talked to that tree but thought it best not to disclose the fact to Mother.

Don’t you want to play with the other kids?

Well, I tried jump rope with them, but they don’t do it right.

Do they trip on the rope? What makes it not right?

They just want to sing; they don’t count right.

What are you trying to count? How many times you jumped?

So, one song goes three, six, nine, the goose drank wine. So, I said we should do four, eight, twelve. They can’t even do fives. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty ...

That’s good, Aline. I get it, but you should have friends.

I have friends, I said, determined to get one of her questions right. I’ll show you.

An odd hobby for a child my age, but I took it seriously, collecting, preserving, and identifying bugs and plants. I had nets, loops, a microscope, bug mounting, and plant pressing equipment, and the county librarian helped me locate the books needed to identify my specimens. She’d tell me to keep them as long as I wanted, if nobody else had reserved them.

I took Mother’s hand and led her to the shed where I kept my collection organized and out of the sun. Discarded mayonnaise jars, jam jars, and peanut butter jars lined the shelves. Each jar contained a specimen, some dry grass, a twig or perch of some kind, and air holes driven into the lids by nail. Two large jars at the end of the shelves contained food, seeds, and leaves. Grasshoppers flicked and pinged at the glass of one jar.

These are fine, Aline, but you can’t keep friends in jars—Is that a rattlesnake? It coiled, poised to strike. Mother jumped back and then ushered us out of the shed.

It’s just a baby, Mother. It can’t hurt you. It’s in the jar.

We’ll have to talk to your father about that. Did I see a black widow in there too? She marched me to the house by the arm.

I regretted sharing my collection with her. Dad knew I collected these things; why was she so surprised? Let go, Mother. I tried to pull my arm from her grip. I have to feed them, or they’ll die.

She released my arm, and a horrified look crossed her face, a look that made me feel far away from her. No more poisonous things ... after today. I mean it, she snapped.

I’d disappointed her again. I stalked off and prepared to release the snake and the spiders— no sense feeding them if I had to let them go anyway.

She and Dad had an argument inside the house not long after. The screen door and kitchen window were open, and I could hear them. She’s not like the other kids, Ben. What are we going to do with her?

So? You don’t really want her to be like them, do you? Look at her, June, he said from the kitchen.

I pretended to be distracted by a hatching chrysalis. It dangled precariously within in its spiral sac, connected by a stem to its milkweed nourishment source, unaware of the world that awaited. I tried not to look at Mother’s disappointed face in the kitchen window. To block the view of her, I raised the wriggling sac to my eye until it became a black slit against the blinding sun.

She’s just smarter than they are, Dad said.

The teacher said she’s not even trying, Mother said, sounding unconvinced.

Screw them! It’s not like they have private schools way out here. You’re the one who wanted to move here.

Mother said something I couldn’t hear.

She’s fine, June. She’s just like you, Dad barked, and a door slammed in the house.

That was the end of their argument about me. I continued on schedule in school with the other kids my age. Mother let me keep my non-venomous specimens, and to pacify her, I followed the teachers’ directions more often and paid attention in class. And when I’d gotten myself invited to two birthday parties, she beamed with pride.

Chapter 2: 1987 NIGREDO

Behind the house, I climbed to the pliable top limbs of an incense cedar. A storm threatened, and I intended to take a front-row seat to spectate and sway in the wind. I had done it before, climbed to the top when my parents were at work, and I could get away with it.

Like the tide, clouds surged over the Siskiyou Mountains, filling the volume of the valley. From my perch of at least fifty feet above ground, I could see the next county.

Lightning flashed; a boom followed. Zeus, I yelled, shaking one fist in the air while gripping the axis branch with the other hand. Unlike my friends who read comics, I read Greek Mythology. Zeus, I knew, threw lightning bolts.

I sat atop a thin limb, too thin to support my weight. It wouldn’t snap, I thought; it was green and pliable. As the wind picked up, I kept both feet resting on a branch below, and my arm hooked around the tree’s axis.

Bears ate cedar flowers, I remembered, as I swayed with the force of the wind and recoil. I’d found it in their scat. I plucked a fragrant cedar flower, popped it in my mouth, and sucked; the bitter and menthol heightened my senses. I counted until the next bolt struck, and the next. The time between strikes reduced as the storm approached. Wet wind stung my cheeks, wet strands of hair stuck to my eyes and mouth, and my teeth chattered, but I endured–fueled by exhilaration.

A gust bent my perch too far, and my legs flailed. In search of lower-sturdier branches, I hooked my knees around a thicker offshoot and let go my arm. The axis sprung upright, flinging water droplets and needles. I started to fall backwards over my knees but caught the righted branch with my arm just in time.

Crack. Flash.

Raindrops scintillated in the surrounding air. The treetop snapped, and I slipped a few feet. My abdomen landed square on a green branch, which bent under my weight, releasing me to the next branch. Vision blurred and focused, blurred and focused. I gasped for air but crashed on another branch before my lungs filled. Crack. That was my ribs. Pain prevented breathing. I straddled the next branch, and new pain ripped my groin. My arms flailed and grabbed at air. When I did catch a branch, my hands filled with needles ripped from its length, but my descent did not slow.

Time trills and skips with heartbeats in the moments before death. I plummeted at an impossible rate, much faster than the force of gravity would dictate, but each crack of pain slowed time, focused me to think, to respond, and to survive.

About three meters from the ground, my body draped over a fat branch, and descent halted. Balanced on my abdomen and unable to move or breathe, I hung, awaiting the inescapable Earth’s invitation. Then I met the remaining distance to land flat on my back in a bed of accumulated tree mulch.

Chapter 3: 1987 SATURN BINAH

Atanned man, with the curled horns of a ram and shag-haired-satyr legs, sat on a stepped gold altar before me. Eyes closed, he appeared to be meditating. I chose not to interrupt and instead studied my strange surroundings. At first, I thought the room was dark, but once my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I discovered we were not in a room but a vast expanse. Except for the faint light behind the horned man, darkness reigned in six directions. Golden firelight penetrated a symbol behind his altar. The dim illumination outlined an inverted triangle surrounded by a circle. The point of the triangle disappeared behind the altar, and the circle arched over him like a halo.

Am I dead? I asked.

His eyes opened and visually appraised me as if he evaluated an acolyte. I bristled under his judgment; it reminded me of Mrs. Breen.

You are ugly, I said. My hand flew to cover my mouth. Where had that rude outburst come from, I wondered. Sorry. I winced. Though only twelve, I had manners most of the time.

I pulled at the hooded robe I wore and thought it, too, was ugly. Not something I’d ever wear. Not that I was fashion conscious, but neither the expansive black décor nor the meditating ram-man were inspiring to my twelve-year-old self. Where was this place, I wondered. I’d fallen out of the tree, I remembered. I touched my cracked ribs but found no pain.

You should not concern yourself with my appearance, he said, fixing his eyes upon me in condemnation.

Ashamed, I lowered my gaze to the floor.

Your color is black, he announced with a finality in his tone.

I don’t want to be black. I don’t like black. Again, I gave a horrified glare at the hooded robe I wore and assumed he meant me to wear it in public. I would rather be dead than wear the robe to school, I thought.

Everyone starts at black, he said with a dismissive tone.

Can’t I be pink instead? I was a girl. Pink was more fitting, I’d decided, and pink would not result in a permanent mark on my reputation. Mother would never agree to black, anyway.

You will come to understand creation through nature, he answered, ignoring my question as if philosophy was an acceptable substitute for fashion.

I narrowed my eyes and twisted my expression to reflect consternation and defiance.

Without warning or an opportunity to argue, consciousness returned to my body under the tree. My skull burned, my ribs burned, and my abdominal area felt pulverized. Lashes and abrasions stung my arms. I moaned and opened my eyes but couldn’t see. Everything appeared white-hot. On my knees, I crawled, groping my way toward the house. Once inside the sliding glass door, I slumped and caught my breath, then ran my hand along the wall to my bedroom. My hand searched the back of the bedroom door for my jacket, and I put it on to hide my lacerated arms, then climbed into bed. Sleep grabbed me in a snap-jawed, death vice.

SHE’S AWAKE. GET THE doctor, I heard Mother say. Aline, stay awake, honey. Aline ...

I didn’t want to be awake. My eyes closed until a sharp pain on my chest startled me awake.

Ouch! I yelled. What are you doing? I swatted at the source of the pain. The doctor had pinched the skin on my chest to wake me. His face came into focus. He ignored my question.

Mother sat next to the bed, weeping. The doctor ignored that too. He said, We’ll keep her overnight one more night. If everything goes well, she can go home tomorrow. He held my eyelids open between two fingers while shining a penlight in each eye. Follow my finger, he said, push your feet against my hands, now pull. Now make a fist. He conducted the neurological examination with efficiency.

Mother. I choked on a cough. My fingers palpated my ribs.

The doctor said, You’ve broken your ribs and your head, young lady. He clicked his tongue and made a motion like door-knocking at my head. Mind telling us how that happened?

My fingers traced a bandage on my head. I caught Mother’s eyes and hesitated from shame.

Would you mind leaving the room, the doctor said to Mother.

But she’s just woken up, she gasped with a pleading look on her face.

Just for a moment while I do my job. He nodded at the door.

She stood. I’ll be right back, Aline. She squeezed her hands at me as she backed out the door.

Why didn’t you answer my question? he asked. Were you afraid to say it in front of your mother?

Why didn’t you answer mine, I thought irritably. But I could only think of the consequences of this incident. I’m going to be so grounded.

That should not worry you right now. Besides, I’m grounding you ... to bed rest. So, out with it, he said, curling his fingers in a coaxing motion.

I fell out of a big tree behind the house.

Are you sure that’s what happened? he asked. You’re not afraid of angering your parents?

I hesitated again, remembering the horned man. What all had happened, I wasn’t sure, but I was certain I fell out of the tree. I fell on a bunch of branches on the way down and scratched my arms up. I just wanted to watch the lightning.

You’re a very lucky girl, he said and patted me on my knee. I think your tree-climbing days are over, though. Promise me you won’t climb any more trees?

I considered it a moment.

Promise me, he repeated.

Promise. But I didn’t really need convincing. My throbbing head had done that for me.

He stuck his head out the door and called for my mother. All done here. You can come take her home in the morning.

She entered the room and draped my body in her curly auburn hair and cigarette-soaked sobs.

Mother, it hurts. I coughed and pushed at her head.

You were out for three days, Aline. Three days I’ve been here watching you. I thought you weren’t coming back to us.

Dad walked in with coffee and a white paper bag of something he dropped on the floor. He rushed over and draped himself dogpile-style over my mother.

Please, I croaked, get off of me.

Sorry, hun. Sorry, Dad said, springing back as though I’d bite him.

They retreated to metal and pleather office chairs on either side of my bed. Each took one of my hands and cried. I’d have time enough to confess I’d climbed the tree later.

With much fussing by my parents over the safety of my activities and whether I was old enough to be home alone after school, I recovered from my injuries and attempted to be less wild. Instead, as I aged, I turned my energies into my books. I learned. I never encountered the green serpent-man again. What his purpose had been