Discover Your True Self: How to Silence the Lies of Your Past and Actually Experience Who God Says You Are

Praise for Why I Believe

Chip Ingram has a way of taking complex and intimidating material and making it accessible and applicable to everyone.

Kyle Idleman, pastor, author of Grace Is Greater

We all need straight answers to the questions we ask about God, faith, and the Bible. Chip Ingram helps us to get our hearts and minds around the most important issues we face and offers authentic and transparent answers.

Jack Graham, pastor of Prestonwood Baptist Church, Plano, TX

Praise for The Real God

Chip Ingram provides wonderful insight to help you see God’s character as presented in Scripture. In these pages, he offers practical biblical help to live out the implications of a refreshed and renewed perspective of God. The principles in this book will inspire, encourage, and empower you to become more like Jesus Christ.

Rick Warren, founding pastor, Saddleback Church

Praise for Good to Great in God’s Eyes

The principles that my good friend Chip Ingram outlines in this book will inspire, encourage, and enable any sincere reader to maximize their God-given potential for the glory of God and for the good of others. Only read this if you want your life to matter.

Tony Evans, PhD, senior pastor, Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship

Praise for Culture Shock

Is it possible to articulate timeless biblical truth without resorting to anger and argument? Is it possible to lovingly embrace those with whom we disagree without compromising our beliefs? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding YES—and Chip Ingram explains how it’s all possible in this timely and relevant book.

Jim Daly, president, Focus on the Family

© 2020 by Chip Ingram

Published by Baker Books

a division of Baker Publishing Group

PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.bakerbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4934-2139-8

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB), copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Italics added to Bible quotations reflect the author’s emphasis.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

I dedicate this book to

Bill, A. C., and Dick,

three mentors and father figures who helped me discover the real me. These men believed in who God made me to be long before I could see it or believe it myself. Their love, encouragement, support, and sometimes painfully honest feedback have shaped my life. I am eternally grateful.

Contents

Cover    1

Endorsements    2

Half Title Page    4

Title Page    5

Copyright Page    6

Dedication    7

Acknowledgments    11

Introduction: The Power of Mirrors    13

Part 1:  Wanted    19

1. The Lie of Rejection    21

2. You Are Wanted: Ephesians 1:1–6    33

Part 2:  Valuable    49

3. The Lie of Insignificance    51

4. You Are Valuable: Ephesians 1:7–10    65

Part 3:  Secure    81

5. The Lie of Fear    83

6. You Are Secure: Ephesians 1:11–14    97

Part 4:  Competent    119

7. The Lie of Shame    121

8. You Are Competent: Ephesians 1:15–23    135

Part 5:  Beautiful    157

9. The Lie of Guilt    159

10. You Are Beautiful: Ephesians 2:1–10    171

Part 6:  Called    193

11. The Lie of Angst    195

12. You Are Called: Ephesians 2:11–3:21    207

Conclusion: Your Journey Has Only Just Begun    229

Notes    232

About the Author    233

Back Ads    234

Cover Flaps    241

BackCover    242

Acknowledgments

This book has been developing in my heart and mind for many years. Like most followers of Christ, I grappled with what it really means to be in Christ and live from my worth in Him rather than seeking to gain it through success, productivity, or self-improvement.

Dr. Bill Lawrence, Professor Howard Hendricks, and too many wise teachers to name taught me the theology of my position in Christ, as my wife, Theresa, modeled for me the practical means of replacing lies about myself with the truth of my new standing before God.

Venture Christian Church’s elders, staff, and congregation helped me develop and refine the concepts in this book as I first taught them in a series of expositional messages on Ephesians 1–3.

Jerry McCauley’s insight, feedback, editing, and oversight of this project were invaluable, and this book would not exist without him.

Chris Tiegreen’s wordsmithing and editing of the actual manuscript were foundational as we transformed messages into paragraphs and chapters.

My assistant for many years, Charlotte Coulter, diligently protected my time, managed my schedule, and provided logistical support with tons of encouragement when deadlines and life seemed to collide.

I’m especially grateful to Brian Vos, Mark Rice, and the entire team at Baker Books for their feedback, suggestions, and tremendous flexibility.

Finally, thank you, Theresa, not only for hours and hours of listening to this book but for years of helping me learn to see myself as God sees me. You’re the best!

Introduction

The Power of Mirrors

I will never forget an experience I had my senior year in college. After my college basketball team lost a tournament game that ended our season, most of my teammates determined the best way to celebrate would be to go out and party.

By this time, I was walking with the Lord and had no desire to hit all the bars in Charleston, West Virginia, to watch my buddies get drunk. A cheerleader named Mary was of the same mind. She was a friend I knew from a couple of the Bible studies on campus.

After the game, Mary and I found ourselves in a small all-night coffee shop. To be honest, I was more than a little intimidated. She was stunningly beautiful and athletic, with long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a 3.7 grade-point average. Though I had come to believe that no one had it all together, she seemed to be the exception. She had been blessed to be in that 1 percent of the gene pool.

After listening to her story for about two hours, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The distance between how she viewed herself and objective reality was stunning.

I’m not exaggerating when I say she seemed to hate herself. She actually looked in the mirror and thought she was ugly and worthless. I tried to encourage her, but when I reminded her of her great GPA, she said, 4.0 is a success in my family. I’m a failure.

I was sitting with someone who had so much going for her in every respect, yet she saw herself as a failure, ugly, and unacceptable.

Her perception was completely illogical to me.

Despite her beauty and her gifts, Mary had multiple mirrors throughout her childhood that told her she was ugly, didn’t measure up, and was unlovable. Those mirrors shaped her thinking about herself and, as a result, how she interacted with others.

But after thirty-plus years of pastoring and counseling, I’ll tell you this: Mary is not an exception.

The Power of Mirrors

Let me ask you a question: What do you see when you look in the mirror?

We look at ourselves in the mirror multiple times a day. There’s the mirror in the bathroom that says the makeup looks good, the hair is in place, and that shirt matches the sweater. There are mirrors at the gym that tell us we’re making progress—or that we’ve got a long way to go.

But it’s not just physical mirrors that are powerful. We each have mirrors within us:

The mirror of a little boy looking up and catching his mom’s first reaction of disappointment.

The mirror of going to middle school, thinking, Wow, I really look cool in this new outfit, and then realizing three minutes later in the hallway that you not only don’t look cool but people are laughing at you.

The mirror of disapproval from a spouse.

The mirror of a boss who says, You don’t measure up.

The mirror of a coach or teacher who said you were dumb or lazy.

The mirror of the media that says if you don’t have a perfect body, you’re not acceptable.

These mirrors create a composite picture in our minds and tell us who we are.

Warped Mirrors

I am no longer surprised by how radically people’s views of themselves differ from objective reality. The truth of the matter is, we all have warped mirrors.

We all experience distortions, mirrors past and present, that affect our lives and our relationships. It’s a lot like when you were a little kid and you went to one of those fun houses where you would walk in front of one mirror and look eight feet wide and then run to the next mirror and look two feet tall and then the next mirror made you look skinny as a toothpick. As children, we laugh when we see ourselves in the distorted images in the fun house mirrors. But there’s nothing funny about the distorted mirrors we believe.

When it comes to distorted mirrors, the most powerful influence in our lives is our parents and family of origin: our mom, dad, siblings, or lack thereof.

The second most powerful influence is authority figures, role models, and peers. People we look up to, whose opinions matter—sports heroes, artists, musicians, pop culture icons, and the friends we hang with—all constitute a myriad of mirrors that constantly shape our perception of who we are.

These influences can help us see our gifts, talents, and strengths and positively inspire us. None of our parents were perfect, but many of our best qualities and positive pictures of ourselves flow from them or from a teacher, coach, or role model.

Unfortunately, the same influences can be the source of warped mirrors resulting in:

Feelings of insecurity, inferiority, or superiority

A performance orientation (my value is only in what I can do)

Withdrawal (avoiding risk at all costs as it brings rejection)

Denial (refusing to look honestly within as it’s too painful)

Compensation (overachieving to prove everyone wrong)

Addictive behavior (medicating the pain)

Unfulfilled longings for significance and acceptance

While there are multiple self-help resources and tools to address all kinds of dysfunctions, the root cause of many of our problems is an inaccurate view of ourselves.

What we need is a mirror that is trustworthy, a mirror that allows us to see ourselves as God does.

Where Can We Get an Accurate View of Ourselves?

I have good news for you: There is a mirror that never lies. It’s objective and accurate, and it will tell you who you are, how much you matter, and why you’re here on earth.

That’s what I want for you.

I want to help you break free from deep-rooted misbeliefs, relational patterns that never seem to change, and internal struggles that seem to have no solutions. The mirror I’ll show you is a divine one, given to you by God to help you see yourself as He sees you.

Despite what you’ve heard, despite what’s been planted in your conscious and subconscious mind about who you are, what you’re worth, and what others think of you, God declares that in Christ you are wanted, valuable, secure, competent, beautiful, and called for a purpose only you can fulfill.

In the chapters that follow, I identify the lies that have held many of us prisoner for years. We will look at the pain and the struggles they have caused us and learn specific and practical ways to replace those lies with the truth.

Theologian A. W. Tozer observed that what comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.1

Here’s the second most important thing about us: what comes into our mind when we think about ourselves.

Will you join me on a journey to shatter the distorted images and lies we believe about ourselves?

1

The Lie of Rejection

For years, Billy watched couples come into the orphanage in search of a child to adopt. For years, he watched his friends get chosen. Billy was still there at the age of eight—past the stage of cute, past the typical age of adoption.

Left out and rejected became part of his identity.

Eventually, a husband and wife did come and adopt Billy. For the first time in his life, Billy had a bedroom of his own, enough food to eat, and a family who loved him. Yet his new parents found him sleeping on his floor. What are you doing? they said. We have a bed for you.

Billy didn’t feel worthy to sleep in a bed.

On another occasion, Billy’s parents discovered food in his closet. He had snuck it out of the refrigerator and hoarded it in his closet because that’s what he had always done. In the orphanage, he was never sure if he was going to get enough to eat.

While there, Billy had fended for himself—never feeling loved, never feeling worthy, never knowing what it meant to be accepted. In reality, he had been legally adopted by a father and mother who loved him. He’d been given a new name and provided a caring home.

But that wasn’t enough to undo years of rejection.

For years after he was adopted, Billy kept his orphan identity. When he grew up, God called him into the ministry. He was bright and a hard worker, and he became a successful church planter and pastor. However, Billy still felt that sense of rejection, so he went to school to get degree after degree, running after whatever he felt would make him acceptable.

The Second Most Important Thing about You

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people like Billy who are loved and accepted but still live with an orphan identity.

It took a long time for Billy to overcome his identity as rejected and unwanted, but by God’s grace, he did. Billy was William D. Lawrence, the Dallas Theological Seminary professor who taught me to preach. In fact, it was his mentoring and counseling that helped me see myself the way God does.

Let me ask you a couple of very important questions about your identity. First, what is your image of God?

A. W. Tozer taught us that we tend by a secret law of the soul to move toward our mental image of God.1 He also said that what comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.2 It is essential for us to get a high, holy, clear, accurate picture of who God really is, because our perception of God has such a powerful effect