Not All Who Wander (Spiritually) Are Lost: A Story of Church

Introduction: Let’s Be Friends

Not all those who wander are lost.

—J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Ipull into the church parking lot about ten minutes early, and it occurs to me if I go in now I might have to mingle with strangers. I decide to wait.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see another car pull up a few spaces down. A man hurriedly gets out, robe in hand, throwing a white collar around his neck. Approximately six minutes before the Ash Wednesday service will start, the priest arrives. I open my car door, and he gestures in my general direction, smiling ever so slightly.

The first thing a visitor notices in a Catholic church is its beauty. This particular church is only a few years old, so its stained-glass windows still sparkle like new, showing no sign of fading from the sun. The exposed wooden beams on the ceiling speak to the rustic northern town where the parish is in ministry.

Stepping into the nave, I dip my finger in the holy water because I can never resist it. Every time I reach for that water, I envision a siren going off at my touch: Protestant alert! Nevertheless, I keep going; the water holds such symbolic significance in the Bible, and I love feeling the moistness on my fingers, signaling to my heart that it’s time for worship. Quickly, I cross myself. Still no siren. Every time it’s worth the risk.

I take an aisle seat on the last row. There are about thirty faithful ones at the service: The beautiful older lady wearing a black mantilla; the gentleman who genuflects before accepting the communion elements. Not many children. Then I see Jeanne, a dear friend I know from the Reformed church I attend in the next town over. What a wonderful feeling to find a familiar face in the crowd.

Suddenly, I hear a voice behind me: Will you hold this for me just a second, please?

I turn to see the man I encountered in the parking lot. The priest. He needs to put on his wireless mic, so he hands me the small bowl filled with ashes. I am holding last year’s Palm Sunday branches, now burned up and ground into sacred bits. The ashes rest in my hands. I think to myself, What if I dropped these right now?

The service offers several moments of complete silence. Not an uncomfortable silence, but a prayer shawl of sorts you could slide over your head, blocking out the noise of our world and aiding the holiness of the moment. This sacred silence brings me to tears that morning. It feels like something I have been missing all my life without even knowing it.

It comes time to receive the ashes. The Catholics invite me to join them in this act of penance. We’re all sinners who need to repent and recognize our great need for a Savior. Everyone—Catholics, Orthodox, and Protestants alike—agrees on that.

Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

More tears. The feeling of the priest’s fingers as he swiped the ash cross on my forehead. I’d never received a blessing like this before. Although it reminded me of my need for penance, it felt every bit like a blessing. He made the sign of the cross on me; symbolizing the marking I already have because I belong to Jesus.

I sat silently in prayer as others (everyone else?) went forward for communion. This concluded the church service.

As I left, the priest stood at the door to greet those in attendance. I told him this was my first Ash Wednesday service. He said, Are you Catholic? I said, No. He smiled, and then assured me, It’s OK. We can still be friends.

Growing up, Mom took us to church but Dad didn’t go. The most important man in my life up to that point, but he didn’t share my faith journey with me. Dad didn’t get religion. Perhaps there was too much baggage in his life to let go and let God, as they say. I saw firsthand a life lived with God and church (my mom’s) and a life lived without God or church (my dad’s). I have never doubted which one seemed right and true to me.

I love the church and I’ll never walk away, but we could do better. The next time you’re reading in the Gospels, take note of how Jesus communicates. He asks a lot of questions and he tells a lot of stories. This book does that. I think doing these things will help us be a more loving church. The longer I walk this Christian path, and I’ve got more than a few years on me now, I think what the priest expressed to me at my first Ash Wednesday service is true. Church, I believe it deep within me, even in these tumultuous times, we can still be friends.

Apostles’ Creed (ca. 700 AD)

I believe in God, the Father almighty,

maker of heaven and earth;

And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord;

who was conceived by the Holy Ghost,

born of the Virgin Mary,

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, dead, and buried.

He descended into hell.

The third day he rose again from the dead.

He ascended into heaven,

and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father almighty.

From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Ghost,

the holy catholic Church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting. Amen.

Chapter 1

Safe and Secure

Two churches raised me. I like to think God was telling me from the beginning that it wouldn’t be just one Christian tradition for me. We moved to my childhood home in rural Missouri when I was three years old. The first Southern Baptist President, Jimmy Carter, was moving into the White House at the same time we were settling in to our three-bedroom ranch-style house, also white in color.

I say I grew up Southern Baptist, but I realize now there was a strong Methodist influence as well. Mt. Olive United Methodist Church was just up the road from my house. I knew this church intimately. Many a sticky summer day, my brothers and I would ride our bikes or walk the dogs to the church and back. There was also a cemetery across the road from that church and we would wander up and down the rows of tombstones. I’m not sure we ever forget the churches of our childhood and how they shaped us.

I always felt comfortable in Mt. Olive’s sanctuary. The Holy Spirit dwelled there. Sometimes the Spirit appears as a cloud by day and fire by night. Water can symbolize the Spirit’s presence. A mighty wind. A whisper. Personally, the Holy Spirit met me at Mt. Olive Church repeatedly during my childhood. Though never taking the form of an actual image, I felt that strong, comforting presence.

The church never locked its doors. I’d run up the outdoor stairs to the red front doors, opening them into a small foyer. I always wondered who thought to put the wooden swinging doors between the foyer and the sanctuary. A smart individual who realized swinging doors wouldn’t make as much noise when a squirmy child has to be taken out of the service—an experience I knew all too well.

I spent hours playing church at Mt. Olive. Can anyone say that about a church anymore? I’d play the piano with a hymn book on the music rack and give mock sermons to any stuffed animals or dolls I’d brought along. Of course, there was always an altar call at the end. Altars have always held deep meaning for me as the place where I do my most important work with God.

Although this church was geographically closest, it wasn’t the church where we placed our membership. Our neighbor, Mary Emma, invited us to attend a small Southern Baptist church with her. At Mt. Pleasant, we had Juanita at the piano. She played mostly by ear and kept her own unique rhythm. The hymn might go from fast to slow to fast again. One had to be ready. Some of my childhood favorites included Victory in Jesus, Sweet Hour of Prayer, and When We Walk with The Lord. We don’t sing those hymns much anymore.

Like any church, we had our own version of what I call church aerobics. We’d start out standing, as Juanita played a few songs. The preacher would pray. We’d sit down for a while after that. Listen to announcements. To switch up the mood, we’d sing a slower song. Often, there would be special music as we passed the offering plate. Another prayer, followed by the sermon. At the end of the sermon, we’d stand to sing one more song, called the invitation hymn. The pastor would ask questions. Perhaps he’d ask if anyone, by a show of hands, realized they needed to forgive someone else. No peeking. Or did they have a worry they were holding on to that the Lord was asking them to surrender? But the primary question was always this: have you asked Jesus to be your Lord and Savior?

Every Sunday, we were expected to wrap up and be out the door in one hour.

My family started attending Mt. Pleasant about the time the church got a new pastor. He had grown up in the area, so many already knew him. I couldn’t have realized it at the time but the influence Chuck and his family would have on me would extend far beyond the walls of this country church.

His son Jesse was my first church friend and wherever he happened to be on a Sunday morning, fun was sure to follow. Toward the end of the service, Chuck would ask people with wedding anniversaries or birthdays to come forward so we could sing to them as they put a mission offering in a set of designated tin cans.

Jesse, about four years old at the time, said he had an anniversary every week. When you’re a toddler, some jokes never get old. He’d raise his hand and start to run up the aisle. His mom would reach for his belt buckle and yank him back. Hilarious.

Flannel boards, vacation Bible school, being an angel in the Christmas plays, children’s choir, kids’ sermons—I remember it all. Our church averaged about fifty people a week. The earliest verse I remember learning speaks to the relationship I’ve always had with the church. I can’t find this exact paraphrase in any of my Bibles but I do believe it’s how Evelyn, my childhood Sunday school teacher, taught it: I was glad when they said unto me, ‘Let us go to church.’ (Psalm 122:1)

I am saddened when I hear of those who experienced so much difficulty in their childhood days at church. Legalism. Abuse. Lies. Judgment. Cult movements. It shouldn’t be that way. I want to start out addressing this important reality. If your experience with church is drastically dissimilar from mine, I see you. I’m sorry for the ways this human institution has hurt you. Christ doesn’t hurt. His conviction is instructive, not destructive, in nature. He promises if we come to him, we can share in his easy yoke and lightened burdens. It doesn’t mean our lives suddenly become perfect, but he walks beside us through it all. In sharing my story and what I, along with others, have realized from our varied experiences as believers, I hope we’ll better understand the good that happens when we come to him together.

The people of Mt. Pleasant raised me up in the faith, just as my play times within the wooden structure at Mt. Olive surely contributed. I hope you’ll come to realize, in spite of any cynicism or bitterness you might harbor toward church, you’ve been touched somewhere along the way by Christians who are good and faithful servants. They are easy for me to identify because when I sit among these men and women, my breathing steadies, my soul relaxes. Regardless of their circumstances, they have a joy and a peace about them. I knew from a very young age I wanted to exhibit these qualities in my own life. I counted on these people to show me how to do that.

Some of the best memories I have from those early days at church include our times in the church basement eating together. Baptists are known for their potlucks, and they do come by this fame honestly. The first half of the buffet line was filled with crockpots and casserole dishes (macaroni and cheese, a pasta dish of some sort or—my favorite—meatloaf). Moving down the line, you’d hit Tupperware Lane, with salads of the green, pasta, and Jello variety. Next, bread or rolls, green bean casseroles, and cheesy potatoes. By then, your plate was filled to overflowing so you’d come back for dessert. No one ever skipped dessert, of course. In Isaiah 25:6, we read about a day when our Lord will prepare a feast. It mentions choice meat and finely aged wine. In my mind at least, there will also be endless supplies of cold fried chicken and orange Jello fluff.

These days when I ponder the theological connections between food and church, I turn to one of my favorite writers. In her book, Bread and Wine, Shauna Niequist writes, When you eat, I want you to think of God, of the holiness of hands that feed us, of the provision we are given every time we eat. When you eat bread and you drink wine, I want you to think about the body and the blood every time, not just when the bread and wine show up in church, but when they show up anywhere—on a picnic table or a hardwood floor or a beach.

I was fortunate to have a number of Christians in my extended family as well (also good cooks). In my junior high years, Mom’s dad, Granddad Bennett, started behaving strangely, once our family had gathered for Christmas. In those days, the aunts brought a few side dishes while Grandma did the rest of the cooking. At one point, Granddad conspiratorially leaned in toward a group of us and said, I don’t know who that woman is in the kitchen but she’s been working real hard all day.

Eventually we received a diagnosis.