Coach the Person, Not the Problem: A Guide to Using Reflective Inquiry

COACH THE PERSON, NOT THE PROBLEM

Coach the Person, Not the Problem

Copyright © 2020 by Marcia Reynolds

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First Edition

Paperback print edition ISBN 978-1-5230-8783-9

PDF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-8784-6

IDPF e-book ISBN 978-1-5230-8785-3

Digital audio ISBN 978-1-5230-8786-0

2020-1

Copyediting: PeopleSpeak

Book design and composition: Marin Bookworks

Cover design: Irene Morris

To my parents, who never gave up on me no matter what problems I created.

CONTENTS

Introduction: Asking Questions Is Not the Same as Inquiry

Part I: What Is a Coaching Conversation?

1 What Makes Coaching the Person So Powerful?

2 Crazy Coaching Beliefs

Part II: The Five Essential Practices

3 Focus: Coaching the Person, Not the Problem

4 Active Replay: Playing Back the Pivotal Pieces for Review

5 Brain Hacking: Finding the Treasures in the Box

6 Goaltending: Staying the Course

7 New and Next: Coaching Insights and Commitments

Part III: The Three Mental Habits

8 Align Your Brain

9 Receive (Don’t Just Listen)

10 Catch and Release Judgment

Wrap-Up: Beyond the Conversation: Coaching as a Lifestyle and a Culture

Notes

Acknowledgments

Index

About the Author

INTRODUCTION

ASKING QUESTIONS IS NOT THE SAME AS INQUIRY

MANY POPULAR BOOKS, leadership actions, and coaching guidelines outline rules for asking good questions. Common rules include ask open questions; start with what, when, where, how, and who; and avoid why questions.

These suggestions are misleading.

Coaches and leaders spend more time trying to remember the questions they’re supposed to ask than paying attention to the person they are coaching.¹ They end up checklist coaching to ensure their questions follow the model they were taught in coaching school or a leadership workshop, which is more frustrating for the client than helpful.

Not only do coaches spend more time in their own heads than listening, they make coaching more complex than it should be. They don’t realize that being present and using reflective statements such as summarizing, paraphrasing, and drawing distinctions can be more powerful—and easier—than seeking the magical question. When a coach asks a question after providing a reflection, the question is more likely to arise out of curiosity, not memory. At this point, even a closed question can lead to a breakthrough in thinking.

Coaching should be a process of inquiry, not a series of questions. The intent of inquiry is not to find solutions but to provoke critical thinking about our own thoughts. Inquiry helps the people being coached discern gaps in their logic, evaluate their beliefs, and clarify fears and desires affecting their choices. Solutions emerge when thoughts are rearranged and expanded.

Statements that prompt us to look inside our brains are reflective. They trigger reflection. Reflective statements include recapping, labeling, using metaphors, identifying key or conflicting points, and recognizing emotional shifts. Inquiry combines questions with reflective statements.

Questions seek answers; inquiry provokes insight.

When using reflective statements in coaching, clients hear their words, see how their beliefs form their perceptions, and face the emotions they are expressing. Then, a follow-up question that either confirms (Is this true for you?) or prompts exploration (when the coach is curious about what, when, where, how, or who) provokes clients to look into their thoughts.

Reflective statements + questions = reflective inquiry.

Adding reflective statements to questions makes coaching feel more natural and effortless. You don’t have to worry about formulating the breakthrough question.

Pairing reflective statements with questions frees the coach of the weight of finding the perfect/best/right question.

On the other hand, some professionals who call themselves coaches ask questions for the purpose of determining what advice to give. They criticize the International Coaching Federation (ICF), formerly known as the International Coach Federation, for rigidly imposing requirements around question asking. A Harvard psychology professor told me she wasn’t an ICF credentialed coach because her high-level executive clients didn’t want her to ask about how they were feeling. It’s a waste of time to question their thoughts and emotions, she said. They want my expertise. They are clueless and need advice or a kick in the butt. It’s possible that’s what her clients need, but that isn’t coaching. It’s face-slapping mentoring.

I fear the loss of coaching as a distinct profession when the word coaching is diluted by people preferring to give advice. Coaching is an effective technology for helping people quickly reframe, shift perspective, and redefine themselves and their situations. Coaches act as thinking partners for people who are stuck inside their stories and perceptions. They help clients think more broadly for themselves, beyond their blinding fears, inherited beliefs, and half-baked assumptions that limit possible actions. As a result of this new perspective, clients discover new solutions, take action on solutions they had avoided, and commit to long-term behavioral changes more often than when they are told what to do.

The goal of coaching is to get clients to stop and question the thoughts and behaviors that limit their perspective so they can see a new way forward to achieve their desires. Reflective practices provide an instant replay for clients to observe themselves telling their stories. The questions then help clients identify the beliefs and behavioral patterns they are using. They see for themselves what patterns are ineffective, even damaging. If done with patience and respect, it’s likely your clients will clearly see what they need to do without your brilliant advice.

The use of reflective inquiry as a powerful learning technology has been around for over one hundred years. I’ll explain the origins of reflective inquiry in part I.

COACHING SHOULDN’T BE SO HARD

Using reflective inquiry with a caring and appreciative presence creates a connection where clients feel safe to critically explore how they think. Clients don’t feel pressured to explore their blocks more deeply; they naturally go deeper. Hearing their own words prompts them to willingly dissect the meaning of their statements. They admit when their words are defensive rationalizations for behavior that doesn’t align with their core values and desires.

When you coach as a thinking partner instead of an expert, your job is to catch and return what you are given by the client. You don’t have to concoct a masterful question. You don’t need to figure out if what you want to say is intuition or a blatant projection of your own needs. You don’t have to have all the answers. You are a good coach if you share what you hear and see and maybe offer what you sense is happening with no attachment to being right.

You will probably ask a question after you share what you heard, saw, and sensed, but the question will come out of your reflection, not your overused good questions list.

When I teach these techniques, coaches from around the world say things like this:

Thank you. You freed me from the tyranny of asking the perfect question.

I feel so much lighter after watching you coach.

You showed me how to have fun with my coaching.

Yes! Be present, be the mirror, and lighten up!

This book will show how anyone wanting to use a coaching approach in conversations can use reflective inquiry to be more present and effective. The methods and examples will demonstrate how to achieve memorable and meaningful results whether you are a professional coach or a leader, parent, teacher, or friend using a coaching approach in your conversations.

WHAT’S IN THIS BOOK

In part I, I will clarify what practices are needed to have a conversation focused on coaching the person to better think through dilemmas. Since the word coaching has been applied to a range of activities, I want us to begin with a common understanding of the framework we will be exploring.

Chapter 1 explains why this method of coaching—reflective inquiry—is so powerful in changing minds and leading to long-term behavioral change. I’ll describe how reflective inquiry maps to the brain science around insight formation, an important element in learning, and how coaching supports clients to explore their thinking in a way they can’t do themselves.

The first chapter also takes a look at the ideal moments to put on a coaching hat. Coaching isn’t intended to be used in all situations. You will annoy your employees, friends, and spouse if you’re always a coach. You need good reason and sometimes, permission. You’ll find a list of scenarios considered good opportunities for coaching.

Chapter 2 explores five beliefs that have thrown the intention of coaching offtrack. I will explain each one, why all of them are true only some of the time, and how they limit the effectiveness of coaching when interpreted as rigid rules. I will also offer an alternative opinion for each belief with examples showing how it works within the context of the coaching relationship.

Part II, the heart of this book, will give you an understanding of and ways to implement the five essential practices for breakthrough coaching:

Focus—coaching the person, not the problem

Active Replay—playing back the pivotal pieces for review

Brain Hacking—finding the treasures in the box

Goaltending—staying the course

New and Next—coaxing insights and commitments

Coaching mastery isn’t just about improving skills; mastery also requires that you quickly catch internal disruptions and shift back to being fully present with your clients. Part III explains and gives exercises for cultivating the three mental habits needed to master the practices of reflective inquiry:

Align your brain.

Receive (don’t just listen).

Catch and release judgment.

I have had the opportunity to demonstrate to thousands of coaches worldwide both the essential practices and mental habits. Either they thank me for what they learned or they thank me for what I helped them remember because they knew it all along.

When I teach these practices to leaders, they realize their primary excuse for not coaching—I don’t have time—is based in their fear that they can’t coach effectively. They have probably tried and failed as they grappled to find good questions. This book gives leaders a coaching approach that reduces their fears when they discover easy steps to implement for quick and more binding results.

Once leaders work with reflective inquiry, they discover it is the best way to prompt a strong shift in perspective and action in a short time. Additionally, the conversations are creative and meaningful as well as productive, inspiring others to learn and grow. Employees feel seen, heard, and valued—the key to increasing engagement, productivity, and excitement around new ideas.

People who have experienced good coaching say it changed their lives. The essence of coaching isn’t based in problem-solving or performance improvement. Those committed to using reflective inquiry are change agents who actively recharge the human spirit. At times when events at work and in the world dampen the spirit, coaching brightens the path.

PART I

WHAT IS A COACHING CONVERSATION?

Coaching is so much more than asking good questions.

—MARCIA REYNOLDS

THE FOUNDING MEMBERS of the International Coaching Federation asked the question, What makes coaching different from therapy and consulting? The ICF definition of coaching emerged from this conversation:

Coaching is partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.¹

The key word in the definition is partnering. Coaches do not act as experts or analysts even when they have relevant experience and education. Coaches are essentially thinking partners focused on helping clients use their creativity and resources to see beyond their blocks and solve their own problems.

The passion and commitment that fuels the continual growth of coaching is grounded in the coaching experience for both coach and client. For me—when I don’t give in to my urge to advise—nothing is more fulfilling than seeing my clients laugh at themselves when they realize they’ve been clinging to an outdated belief. I love the spark in their eyes when they discover the answer to their problems on their own. They feel relief and gratitude when they recognize they won’t be hurting anyone by following their dreams. When I feel the courage in my clients bubble up, it’s my pleasure to help them put their desires into motion.

People need to feel seen, heard, and valued to have the desire to grow. In this space, their creative brains are activated. They feel safe enough to explore their own thinking and actions. Surfacing their judgments and fears may feel uncomfortable, but when clients see how to move beyond these blocks, they feel empowered.

Although many gurus have been cited as saying people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, this concept was first seen in the work of psychologist Alfred Adler. Adler asked us to believe in the power people feel when realizing their potential. He said, Man knows much more than he understands.²

In breaking away from the ideas of his teacher Sigmund Freud, Adler said we do not have to plumb the depths of one’s psychological history to help normal people progress. If, as Adler said, we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations, then changing or expanding the meaning opens new possibilities to define ourselves and our actions.³

Adler’s perspective spawned many modern therapies. The regard Adler held for the masses is a foundational concept for coaching. For people who are not seeking therapy but know they will benefit from exploring how they think when unsure of decisions or actions, coaching fills the gap.

WHERE DOES THE TERM REFLECTIVE INQUIRY COME FROM?

We owe gratitude to Adler for defining the coaching relationship. Yet even though coaching may be similar to cognitive behavioral therapies and question-based relationship consulting, the actual practice of coaching maps more directly to John Dewey’s learning theory than to a therapeutic or commercial approach.

In 1910, Dewey defined the practice of reflective inquiry in his classic book, How We Think.⁴ As an educational reformer, Dewey wanted to change the practice of dumping information into students’ brains and then testing their memorization skills. He wasn’t just advocating for teachers to ask more questions. He defined methods of inquiry that would prompt students to doubt what they thought they knew so they were open to expansive learning.

Dewey felt that combining the tools that provoke critical thinking with Socratic questioning would prompt students to go inward to give their thoughts serious consideration. They would then be able to distinguish what they know from what they don’t know,