Laughing at Shadows

Laughing At Shadows

Edited by Brett Reistroffer

A collection of funny, dark, and weird horror stories for funny, dark, and weird people.

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. This is a work of fiction, any similarities to living persons or events are purely coincidental.

Anthology Copyright 2020

Copyrights to the individual works contained in this collection belong to the credited authors:

Murder Sandwich ©2020 Skyler Goff; Overdue Notice ©2020 Andrew Johnston; Bad Dates and Dragons ©2020 Alyssa Eckles; The Haunting of Peruvius Corcorant ©2020 George Nikolopoulos; It Came From Mail Order ©2020 Eric J. Guignard; Captain Pistachio's Charming Rampage ©2020 Jeff Strand; Your Diabolical Baby ©2020 (English) Santiago Eximeno; The Night Stockers ©2020 Sean Logan; Dying Art ©2020 C L Raven; Tea Time ©2020 William West; All Aboard! ©2020 Brandon Butler; Vlad's Incorruptible Soul ©2020 W. T. Paterson

Edited by Brett Reistroffer

Printed in the United States of America

First Edition: 2020

eBook ISBN 978-0-9960381-8-8

Softcover ISBN 978-0-9960381-6-4

Published By Bad Dream Entertainment®

www.BadDreamEntertainment.com

Cover Illustration by Stefan Koidl

Graphic Design by Rogues Hollow Productions

Final Manuscript Polish by Mellisa Peitsch

The 'EyeBrain' logo is a registered trademark of Bad Dream Entertainment, Seattle, WA.

Original trademark design by Darcray

For anyone who laughs in the theater while everyone else is screaming.

Introduction

By editor Brett Reistroffer

There is plenty to be said about the relationship between horror and humor. Even though they are seemingly on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum, the two are often inseparable. It's tempting to wax on about how humor acts as a natural release valve for the anxiety of horror, or how they are both merely different ways to process the absurdities of the human condition, but there are people much more qualified and capable than I to tackle the deep thinking on the subject. Besides, you picked up this collection of stories for a good chuckle, a quick scare, or merely to pass some time at the bus stop, not to listen to some hack who gets to call himself an editor because he somehow convinced a bunch of talented writers to let him publish their stories (hint: it was money).

The one thing I will say is that if this anthology has a single purpose it's to have fun, because that's really why we're all in the spooky business to begin with, regardless of how serious we sometimes like to take this genre we call horror, as outlandish as it often is. So read on and enjoy stories of vengeful vegans, psychotic seahorses, and homicidal pistachios; just have some fun while doing it and remember that a good scare can be just as ridiculous as a good joke. After all, you can't spell slaughter without laughter.

Brett R,

July 2019

Murder Sandwich

Skyler Goff

Whisper Meadows woke to the sweet smell of fried ham and promptly vomited.

Danny! she shouted through a mouth of acid and bile. What the hell? Are you really cooking ham? She and Danny had been in an open relationship for over three years and he knew damn well that she didn't allow animal flesh or byproduct in their apartment.

But she wasn't in their apartment.

She was on a cot in a cell surrounded by bars on two of its four sides, the other two sides thick, graffitied concrete. A single bulb hung over a table and chair.

On the table was a ham sandwich on a ceramic plate.

Whisper began to scream.

A click. The sound of feedback. A voice spoke to her.

Whisper. The voice was distorted just like those of protected witnesses on the crime shows Whisper's father had made her watch when she lived back home. Such an ironic name for someone so loud.

Why the hell is there a ham sandwich in here with me? Whisper screamed. Get it away from me!

You— The voice went silent for a second and then came back, the vicious edge turned into confusion. You want me to get rid of the sandwich?

Yes! God! Whisper sobbed. I'm a vegan. Animal flesh makes me physically ill!

Another pause.

Do—do you know that you're chained to the wall?

Whisper looked down at her ankle and saw that she was, in fact, chained to the wall.

Are you going to get rid of the sandwich or not? she called out.

You aren't going to eat it?

I'm not touching that murder sandwich. No way.

Silence.

I said, Whisper shouted through her cupped hands, Get that thing away from me!

So you don't eat meat? the distorted voice said. No meat at all?

Are you deaf? I said I was a vegan. Nothing's changed in the three seconds since I told you!

What about fish? the voice asked.

Oh, gee, Whisper said, slapping a palm against her forehead. Is fish a plant? A lot's changed since I was in SEVENTH GRADE BIOLOGY!

Then the speakers clicked off and the room was silent once more.

Oh my god... Whisper moaned. Oooohhhhh myyyy gawwd! I can't breathe...you're literally keeping me from breathing! She clapped a hand over her nose and mouth. She looked around the cell and grabbed a blanket off the cot, then stood up and walked as close to the table as she could bear.

Oh god... The smell of the ham was beginning to seep through her fingers. She could feel her stomach beginning to churn as she began to swing the blanket back and forth, releasing it just as it arced out. It landed on the sandwich, covering it, and she whooped in victory.

Now get it out of here! she shouted.

No, the voice said.

Why not? Whisper whined.

Because you're a rude person.

Whisper laughed. I'm rude? You're the one who captured me and put me in this hellhole with a murder sandwich.

Why are you calling it that? the voice asked.

Calling it what? Whisper asked.

A 'murder sandwich'. It's a ham sandwich.

Why are you calling it ham? Whisper shot back. It didn't stop being a pig when you killed it. It's a pig sandwich. A pig impregnated against its will. Injected. Caged. Trapped. Slaughtered. Murdered!

She had worked herself up into a foaming frenzy. She hadn't been this worked up since the Annul Animal Husbandry march.

The voice remained silent.

Run out of ignorant questions? she spat.

No answer.

That's good! she shouted. I am a worthy woman. Just because that scares you doesn't mean you can question my choices, you backwoods, MAGA bastard.

A door screeched open on a track, then squawked shut.

The fat man who now stood in front of the cage wore a rubber pug mask.

That's offensive, Whisper stated.

Offensive how?

You don't see animals wearing human masks.

Why would they...What... The stranger was dumbstruck.

Get this sandwich out of here, Whisper said. I literally can't breathe with it in here.

Pug Head looked at her with his head cocked to the side.

What are you waiting for? Whisper shrieked.

Pug Head jumped, unlocked the door, and removed the ham sandwich.

She says she can't breathe with it in there, Albie said, putting the plate on the control room table.

What a bitch, Donald said.

Well, what was I supposed to do? Albie asked, yanking the pug mask off his head.

Tell the spoiled brat to suck it up. We're not a Burger King. She can't have it her way this time.

I don't think a Burger King would suit her any better, Albie said. He looked at the sandwich longingly; save for a few stray blanket threads stuck to it, it was still perfectly good.

Don't even think about it, Donald said, leaning back in his chair and passing a bag of apple chips to Albie. Doctor's orders.

 Albie sat at the monitors with a sigh and plunged his hand into the bag.

Vegan, Donald said. The brat's family is loaded and she decides to eat plants her whole life. So many people in the world don't have access to meat–

Or aren't allowed to eat it, Albie said miserably.

–and she flat out refuses. Probably eats tofu...you two should talk recipes, Donald mocked.

Tofu's expensive, Albie said. And for something so bland... He rubbed his finger over the call button for a moment and then pressed it.

Do you eat tofu? he asked into the microphone.

On the monitor, Whisper's head lolled back as she rolled her eyes.

Yeaausss! she groaned.

How? Albie asked.

With my fucking mouth, you idiot.

Wow, Donald said.

I know! Albie mouthed. Then he turned back to the intercom. No, I mean how can you stand it? It's so bland.

Um, I don't know, Whisper said, crossing her arms beneath her breasts. How do you stand eating handfuls of flour? It's so bland!

Handfuls of— Albie threw his hand in the air, giving up.

Is ten mil enough? Donald asked. Really, I ask you. Is it enough to keep this nasty cow alive?

Maybe she's just lashing out, Albie said.

I can understand 'lashing out', Donald said. She's chained up. She doesn't know where she is. I get that. But that's not why she's lashing out. She's lashing out because you tried to serve her a ham sandwich.

A nice ham sandwich, Albie said, eyeing it once more.

A very nice ham sandwich, Donald agreed. From a damn fine cook. I don't care if you're the Queen of England, if I give you something to eat and you talk to me like that...

And isn't that how we got into this mess in the first place? Albie asked. Because you couldn't control your temper?

No! Donald said, sitting up and sticking his finger in Albie's face. No! We are in this mess because you had your father get me a job in his restaurant after I told you I wasn't good with people.

You shoved a Monte Cristo down a woman's throat, Albie said.

She said it was too dry! Donald snapped. Your sandwiches are freaking ambrosia compared to what that fat cow ate on a daily basis. She should have—

And I appreciate that, Albie said, meaning it. No one had ever stood up for him the way Donald did. It's what he loved about him. But now we are trying it your way, alright? And you have to keep a cool head or else you might— he paused, remembering their couples therapy, "—we might mess this up."

Albie took Donald's hand and they did their breathing exercises. When they had finished, Albie gave Donald a gentle kiss.

Hey! Whisper's voice shouted through the speakers. Hey! I'm starving in here!

I hate her, Donald said, turning back to his computer. I hate her, Albie, I really do.

Should I make her something else to eat? Albie asked.

No, Donald said, If she wants to eat, she will eat the sandwich. Her father will call to confirm the drop and then we'll get her out of here. She can compromise her morals for another few hours.

Hey! Asshole! Whisper's voice screeched.

Albie thumbed the button and spoke.

I made you a perfectly good sandwich. Free range ham, homemade bread, homemade provolone, brown mustard, and a boatload of love. You can eat my sandwich or you can starve. Make your choice.

That's more like it, Donald laughed.

Right? Albie said.

Whisper began to howl like a wounded animal. Albie looked back to the screen and cried out. The girl was bashing her head against the concrete wall.

Jesus! Albie screamed. He pressed the button. Stop that right now!

No! Whisper screamed. Not until you bring me gluten-free avocado toast. She slammed her head against the wall again.

Gluten-free? Albie looked helplessly at Donald.

That stupid, spoiled brat, Donald hissed.

Then the burner phone rang.

Shit, Donald said. Go stop her!

How do I—?

Donald grabbed the sandwich and slapped it into Albie's hand. Tell her to cut it out or you'll shove that sandwich down her throat. He put one of the voice distorters to his mouth and answered the phone as Albie ran out of the room.

I believe I have made myself perfectly clear, Mr. Meadows said. I'm not giving you a damn penny for her.

Donald needed to do his breathing exercises and he needed to do them now. He and his therapist had figured out that when his ears burned like they were doing now, he was close to losing his temper.

And that, she had said, with her plump, happy face, isn't good for anyone.

But he couldn't count to ten right now. Hell, he couldn't even count to two: Mr. Meadows would hang up on him and the whole plan would be ruined.

I don't think you understand, Mr. Meadows— he began.

No, Meadows interrupted. "I don't think you understand, bucko. I sent her to college a Young Republican and she came back a bisexual vegan named Whisper. She cost me a Senate race. She put her mother into an early grave. The little witch will do anything just to spite you and I am glad to be rid of her."

There was a click on the other line.

Hello? Hello?

Donald threw the burner phone against the wall. His ears burned as he grabbed