Pillars of Parenting

Genuinely extraordinary masterpiece with a global appeal. You will be trapped within the pages of ‘Pillars of Parenting’ – exploring its rich and versatile deposits. Its classical approach, well-researched facts and relatable recommendations, make this Book a magnifying glass for the noble task of parenting.

Roland Akenji Fongwa

Senior Pastor, Royal City Mission

African Regional Office

"Masterful and captivating 21st-century parenting guide. Comprehensive presentation of core values in an eclectic and stimulating way that every parent can relate with.

Eyong T. Enoh

Professional Footballer, Former Ajax and

Vice Captain Cameroon National Team.

A balanced delivery of practical parenting principles. A timeless road map for navigating present day challenges. A must read for raising difference makers.

Edwin C. Awasom

Houston Police Department TX, U.S.A

As a Millennial parent, I find this book an indispensable tool. It is a must have for parents seeking to achieve positive outcomes.

Dr. Brenda B. Suh-Lailam

Director of Clinical Chemistry and Point of Care Testing at Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago. IL, USA

The author has carefully and skilfully crafted a parenting guide. It will help any millennial who cares about raising children in a responsible, informed and balanced manner.

Dr Arllen Ade

PhD in Professional Counselling.

Regional Pastor, Mclean Bible Church. VA, USA

President, ABC’s Counselling.

Excellent read. In a simple, yet effective way, the author communicates very profound truths backed with facts for the custodians of our future – the Millennials – as they build the most important and fundamental unit of society – the family.

Drs Ade & Anikphe Oyedeji

Consultant Psychiatrist and Geriatrician, Cheshire North West, U.K.

The author’s clarity of presentation demonstrates a deep knowledge of divine principles. He represents a generation of dynamic authors who have a strong impact on lives.

Richard Schwéry

Minister and Business Executive, Switzerland

PILLARS

OF

PARENTING

Timeless Secrets for Millennial Parents

JESSE Y. SONG

Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan.

Scripture quotations taken from the Amplified Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations taken from the Amplified Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from The Voice™. Copyright © 2012 by Ecclesia Bible Society. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from The Expanded Bible. Copyright ©2011 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from The Passion Translation®. Copyright © 2017, 2018 by Passion & Fire Ministries, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible: Easy-to-Read Version™ © 2006 by Bible League International and used by permission.

PILLARS OF PARENTING

Copyright © 2019 by Jesse Y. Song

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage or retrieval systems, without the written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-1-9162817-2-1

Printed in the U.K

First Printing 2019.

Cover Design by Don Judex @ JGArtz

Ordering Information:

Quantity Sales: Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, schools, seminaries and others.

For details, contact the publisher.

www.cornerstonepublishinghouse.com

DEDICATION

I wholeheartedly dedicate this book to my dearest mother of blessed memory Marie Ngem Kimbu – unmatched and unparalleled parent of all times; I could never have had a better parent.

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.

[Barbara Bush, Former United States First Lady]

Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1: Millennial Parenting – The Quest For Relevance

Chapter 2: Childfree Living – The Reality Of Millennials?

Chapter 3: Parenting Styles – Training According To Pattern

Chapter 4: Parenting By Culture – Beauty In Diversity

Chapter 5: Authentic Fatherhood – Responsibility Beyond Reproach

Chapter 6: The 7 Pillars – Parenting By Principles.

Chapter 7: Strategic Positioning – The Principal Objective

Chapter 8: Sexuality Education – Riding With The Tide

Chapter 9: Single Parenting – The Balancing Equation

Chapter 10: Managing Conflict – Best Interest Principle

Chapter 11: Social Media – Blessing Or Curse?

Chapter 12: Celebrity Culture – The Paradox Of Our Time

Chapter 13: Parenting Without Guilt – The Ultimate Pathway

Chapter 14: Honouring Parents — Rising Above Abuse

Chapter 15: Conclusion – The Rules Of Life

Endnotes

Index

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book reflects many decades of teaching, training and research. During this time, I have been the fortunate beneficiary of the most encouragement, guidance and support from my many friends, students, colleagues and associates. I am grateful to my siblings Brenda A. Kimbu, Dr Shawn A. Chiambah and Lesi N. Nayuoh, for shaping and moulding me with their love and support. I am also indebted to a host of the manuscript, art, and production team of editors, who worked valiantly to bring this project to a successful conclusion. My sincere thanks to The Nutrition Source Team, Department of Nutrition, Harvard T.H Chan School of Public Health for the permission to use ‘The Healthy Eating Plate’.

I humbly convey my gratitude to all those professionals who have influenced my concept of parenting, whose names I do not have the privilege of knowing, but whose input has made an invaluable contribution to my study of parenting. There are indeed others whose names I may have inadvertently omitted here but who I want to heartily thank as well. Extraordinary acknowledgement also goes to all the members and Leaders of Royal City Mission U.K., U.S.A, Cameroon and South Africa for their commitment and loyalty. To Dr Cynthia Ndeh, Laurencia Newi Kwanga, Emmanuel A. Siben, Daniel Tah, Madri Muchuo Iwoi and Casandra Dimala for their invaluable assistance in making this book a reality. I wish to express enthusiastic gratitude to the millions of parents, whose labour behind the scenes in most cases goes unappreciated.

This book is a tribute to their dedication, commitment, and sacrifice. Finally, with exceptional thanks and appreciation, I take this moment to offer a special acknowledgement to my wife Immaculate, for her dedication and support, and whose parenting skills have been a tremendous blessing to our four children.

PREFACE

The 21 st -century Millennial parent is often at a considerable loss on how to translate statistical figures into a straightforward ‘child-centred’ blueprint. With hundreds of conflicting ideas and techniques, a ‘one-stop’ parenting guide containing evidenced-based information is indispensable.

With more than 25 years of leadership and counselling experience, I have seen ‘the good, the bad and the ugly’ of parenting and witnessed firsthand in counselling sessions, the detrimental effects of mediocre parenting. All round, there are countless examples of people with dysfunctional lives, not because their parents were evil, but merely because they were ignorant of the fundamental principles needed to navigate the journey of parenting. Positive parenting is not merely a social construction or a culture-bound phenomenon; it is the development of a committed relationship between parent and child within a nurturing environment. While most of us aspire to be exemplary parents, we may also find ourselves bewildered and frustrated by the endless challenges.

This book focuses on Millennials – individuals who reached adulthood around the turn of the 21st century – born between 1981 and 1996. This cohort was raised in an electronics-filled and socially-networked environment. They are the generation that is the most diverse and tolerant of differences. More than 25% of Millennials are now parents with the proclivity to challenge long-held traditions on marriage and family. This book is an essential companion to parents, students, counsellors, academic institutions, religious organisations, child policymakers and stakeholders. The various chapters provide valuable information, statistics and recommendations that promote healthy child development. A dominant feature of the book is its ability to provoke reflection in the readers, both on their own experiences and on the wider society. The various chapters present principles, recommendations and statistics that when consistently applied, will increase the likelihood that children are raised with the right experiences and desired outcomes. In the end, is that not the ultimate desire of all parents?

Statistics are presented in a concise way to inform, guide and revitalise the parenting energy of yet-to-be, expectant, new and exhausted parents. This book can also minimise parental shortcomings and prevent ‘history from repeating itself’. Your personal experience with your parents will profoundly influence your perspective on the way you practice parenting. There will be repercussions if the parenting strategies applied in your upbringing produced detrimental outcomes in your life. Regardless of the stage in your parenting life, you can find fulfilment in reading and applying these principles to the best of your ability.

Pillars of Parenting does not offer a ‘one size fits all’ quick fix to parenting challenges. It presents a broad range of enthralling topics that foster sustained commitment and dedication in achieving realistic goals and objectives. So, if you are the type of parent who wants a massive positive change with minimal effort, then this book is not for you. Remember that reading a book does not automatically produce results; instead, results are a consequence of the amount of energy you expend on putting into practice what a book recommends. Maximising the benefits of this book entails reading it alongside other books that cover other relevant aspects of parenting.

The fifteen chapters of this book are not an academic treatise, nor claim to offer a panacea to all parenting challenges; nor a day to day prescriptive recommendation of parenting techniques and strategies. Instead, it provides valuable information which when assimilated and implemented, will produce a fruitful and satisfactory parent-child relationship. Raising children is not about going from one point to the next. The parenting life is about the journey, and the key to loving parenting is to enjoy the ultimate ride with ‘Pillars of Parenting’ as an essential front seat passenger.

We know the excitement of getting a present – we love to unwrap it to see what is inside. So it is with our children. They are gifts we unwrap for years as we discover the unique characters God has made them.

[Cornelius Plantinga, Former President,

Calvin Theological Seminary]

INTRODUCTION

Millennials are the first generation to come of age in the new millennium. According to Pew Research Centre, 82% of babies born in 2016 were the children of Millennial parents. ¹

An essential feature of Millennials is that they are generally better educated, ethnically diverse and make up the majority of the global workforce. While the view that Millennials are obsessed with technology at the expense of family is inaccurate; the global environment predisposes them to various paradigm shifts in parenting. One of the misconceptions of the 21st century is equating child-rearing with parenting - both interchangeable terms in certain contexts, since some aspects of parenting involve child-rearing (the process of bringing up a child). Parenthood is the natural state of being a parent, like motherhood or fatherhood, while parenting is the task that promotes and supports the physical, emotional, social, intellectual and holistic development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting has a higher level of involvement and commitment than child-rearing. Parenting emphasises responsibility, exemplary behaviour and high demand on emotions. Parental responsibilities also include great communication skills, resources and energy, which all goes beyond just the physical wellbeing of a child. Becoming a Millennial parent is a once in a lifetime experience. Parents are children’s first and lifelong educators. Conversely, children are parents’ most pivotal educators on parenting matters. Because children are each unique in their individuality, there is no single right way to raise them. As they guide, listen and learn, parents become better with their children, and know them better than anyone else.

Chapter one introduces the Millennials (also known as Gen Y), who by their time in history, reflect a new mindset and outlook of the world – the reason for which their perceptions on parenting warrants a closer look. The focus of chapter two is voluntary childlessness or being childfree – the rising popular choice amongst many Millennials not to have children. This chapter looks at the various misconceptions and puts forward some reasons behind this popular trend. Whatever the circumstance, both men and women can still enjoy a fulfilling life without children, if they so decide. Even though attitudes about the roles of men and women in raising children often differ, the role played by one parent is not more important than that of the other. Both play complementary roles in promoting a positive emotional well-being of a child, including a positive sense of self and the ability to cope with stressful situations. Responsible parenting does not necessarily mean fulfilling a child’s every desire, but meeting a child’s primary need for care, stability, safety, respect, wellbeing and emotional support. Good parenting (the totality of the responsibilities of raising a child) is more important to the academic success of a child than a good school.

Some parenting roles and responsibilities can be accomplished in some instances by people without a claim to biological parenthood themselves. Most animals have the innate instincts to guide their young through a comparatively brief period from infancy before the new generation becomes independent. Humans have a distinguishing characteristic in the much longer length from infancy to youth, and the enormous magnitude of the reliance of their young. Therefore, humans need the appropriate knowledge, guidance and the necessary support mechanisms to enable them to carry out their parenting duties with dignity. Chapter three introduces parenting styles and offers recommendations for parents to understand their children’s uniqueness and to adapt parenting styles accordingly. Parents can deal with conflicts before they escalate by determining the appropriate parenting style, which takes into account the personality of the child. Every child is different – even within the same family.

The University of Harvard Centre on the Developing Child, in an article ‘Science of Early Childhood Development’, comments:

All aspects of adult human capital, from workforce skills to cooperative and lawful behaviour, build on capacities that are developed during childhood, beginning at birth. When we invest wisely in children and families, the next generation will pay that back through a lifetime of productivity and responsible citizenship.²

Research shows that the majority of books concerning infancy and upbringing are from the western world. As a result, the parenting practices of other cultures are being discarded in favour of western parenting philosophy. Chapter four reinforces the fact that parenting literature must be expanded to glean from the rich diversity of the parenting heritage of other cultures. Chapter five introduces the prevalence and adverse effects of absent fathers. Extensive research show that children from fatherless homes are more likely to be poor, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, drop out of school, and suffer from health and emotional problems. No single factor can fully explain why parenting operates in a particular way. Positive factors, such as a child with an easy temperament, loving family history and a good standard of living, enhance parenting – whereas negative factors such as a child with a challenging personality, an abusive past and adverse economic condition present risks. Parenting practices around the world share major significant objectives – ensuring a child’s wellbeing; preparing the child for life as a productive adult and as a transmitter of cultural values. Indeed, The National Academy of Sciences further outlines four primary responsibilities for parents: maintaining children’s health and safety; promoting their emotional wellbeing; instilling social skills, and preparing children intellectually.³

The aforementioned parental responsibilities cannot be discharged without sensible, practical ‘child-specific’ principles, which are covered in chapter six. This chapter also envisages best outcomes for children through reasonable, practical and compassionate discipline – especially as it relates to professional parents, who may find it challenging to create time and energy for their children or who may struggle in maintaining a ‘work-parenting’ balance. Achieving such a balance is the Eldorado of any parenting journey. Chapter seven examines the strategic positioning of children and the interconnection with the sports of archery. When we let our children fly like arrows, we understand that we have been chosen to be the bow in their lives to ‘shoot’ them in the right direction. This chapter also examines the sacrifice it takes to be a good archer – likewise, a good parent.

Sexuality education, which encompasses sex education, has rapidly metamorphosed into Sex and Relationship Education (SRE). Contentious questions have been raised at several levels; at what age should children start receiving such education; what topics and how much information should be taught; what role should cultural sensitivity and awareness play in lesson delivery? Children in some cultures are not given any information on sexual matters since such discussions are considered taboo. In other cultures, pressure groups and radical sex education campaigners are pushing their agenda into the curriculum – without giving due diligence to appropriate age-related content – thereby destroying the innocence of children. Chapter eight examines these issues, and the various challenges encountered in the implementation of sexuality education policy, including recommendations on the options parents have to curtail the unhealthy excesses in the curriculum. Chapter nine explores the worldwide reality of single parenthood and the multifaceted challenges they encounter. This chapter proposes recommendations to help mitigate these challenges. Chapter ten addresses interparental conflicts, which are a normal part of intimate relationships, but if handled constructively pose few risks for children. The principle of ‘best interest of a child’ requires parents and the state to safeguard and promote the welfare of children at all times and in all circumstances. Children should never be used as pawns or weapons in divorce or custody battles. ‘Best interests of a child’ concept derives from Article 3(1) of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child 1989 (‘UNCRC’), which states that:

‘In all actions concerning children, whether undertaken by public or private social welfare institutions, courts of law, administrative authorities or legislative bodies, the best interests of the child shall be a primary consideration.

Why is parenting achieved with relative ease for some but full of challenges for others? Why are some parents sensitive, responsive, and emotionally engaged with their children, whereas others are unresponsive, detached or even abusive? The answers to these questions must consider the many different factors existing between parent and child and within the immediate socio-cultural framework, which embeds parent-child relationships. Under-parenting and over-parenting are becoming more and more popular concepts. Over-parenting aims for perfection in parenting which cripples children as they move into adulthood, rendering them unable to cope with the inevitable setbacks in life. Naturally, there is also such a thing as under-parenting too, and research demonstrates that lack of parental engagement usually results in poor behavioural outcomes in children, partly because it produces grounds for the young to be too dependent on peer pressure, social media and dysfunctional ‘celebrity’ role models as elucidated in chapters eleven and chapter twelve. Parenting guilt – the sentiment that you, as a parent, are not doing a good enough job in raising your child – is the natural fear that comes from within and lurks around in mind. Parenting without guilt is the main thrust of chapter thirteen, which draws inspiration from the ancient parable of the prodigal son – a parable of a good parent with a wayward child. Concisely, chapter fourteen provides practical guidance for parents dealing with issues of ‘parent-child’ abuse and ‘child-parent’ abuse, while chapter fifteen concludes the book with a journey into the basic rules of life from the perspective of renowned historical figures.

A diversity of sacred texts, translations and paraphrases are used throughout this book for ease of reading and simplicity of understanding. These texts are paramount as they provide a blueprint in the often lonely world of parenting. Professor Laurence Steinberg, specialist in child and adolescent psychological development at Temple University, in his book, ‘The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting’, provides guidelines based on social science research – some 75 years of studies confirms that good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self control, kindness, cooperation, cheerfulness and motivation. This helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behaviour, and alcohol and drug abuse.⁴

While this book has been written within the socio-historical backdrop of the United Kingdom, its principles are universal