The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself (New Expanded Edition): How Loving Yourself the Way God Does Can Bring Healing and Freedom to Your Life

INTRODUCTION

This book is about the heart—your heart and ours. From the very beginning of our ministry, God made it clear that the heart was to be central in everything we did. As I (Jerry) went through an intense, two-year period of emotional healing many years ago, I became aware that there were many things about the heart—my heart and God's heart—that I didn't understand. During this period, I became very aware of how my heart had been affected by childhood wounding, and I came to understand that God had a plan to restore and heal my heart.

Denise and I were university professors at the time, and God began to share that the healing of my heart would also involve a significant change in my personal calling and destiny. Walking into a church service one Sunday, I could see and feel the emotional condition of those around me. Although the majority of the people looked fine and together on the outside, I sensed that many were really hurting on the inside. They were each wearing masks that covered their true conditions, and I began to feel how much pain Father God felt over the broken hearts of his children. As time went on, God made it clear to Denise and me that we were to leave our roles as university professors and administrators and follow his path to be agents of his healing to others.

Throughout the Scriptures, when God placed his name on something, it was always important. Prior to starting our ministry in 1995, we had no specific ministry name in mind. Then God gave me the name The Father's Heart, and I knew it was from him. Through the years we have returned over and over to a fundamental truth: the Father is passionately pursuing each one of our hearts, and he will do whatever is necessary to recover, heal, and restore those places in our hearts that have been wounded.

During the first few years of this ministry, I (Denise) had a dream, and in it God showed me his heart. It was unbelievably big, beyond anything I could imagine. It was clear in this dream that God's heart had many expressions, and whenever God turned his face just a little, I could see another aspect of his heart. It was also clear that I could spend a lifetime pursuing his heart and never come to the end of the revelatory process. It seemed as though God wanted me to know two things: his heart expresses itself in a multitude of ways, and the desires of his heart for his people are endless.

From our experience working with hundreds of clients since 1995, we have seen that people's inability to love themselves has been the most significant hindrance in their ability to love God and others and to walk in freedom and wholeness.

When we love ourselves, we experience greater peace and joy in life, and we become better able to fulfill the destiny that God places within us. This powerful truth and its implications for our lives are what have inspired us to write this book.

There is another important reason for writing, and that is to clarify that this crucial need—the ability to love ourselves—is biblical. Indeed, it is more than just biblical: it is an essential truth for Christians to know, experience, and live out. Not to do so creates emotional and spiritual conflict within us. Yet many in the Christian community operate out of misunderstanding and error regarding this topic.

Although this is not a book on the theology of loving yourself, we hope to shed enough scriptural light on the subject that many who have previously rejected the notion of self-love will come to see it as essential for sound emotional and spiritual health. While this book can benefit someone who has not yet entrusted his or her heart into the care of Jesus Christ, our primary audience is those who have. In other words, we are addressing Christians—people who believe in the good news of Jesus Christ—who are unable to love themselves (and who may not even know it).

Throughout this book we will often refer to the terms true self and false self (sometimes called our private self and public self, respectively). We believe that, although many factors shape who we become as we progress from birth into adulthood, God has placed in us a core identity that he wants revealed in our lives. We also believe that this core identity is best realized when we live from our hearts, from the desires that God has placed in us, and the level of freedom that we walk in. This core, heartbased identity is what we mean when we refer to our true self.

As we progress through the formative years of childhood, we typically learn various ways of adapting to adversity. Our true self becomes covered over or even lost, and we start functioning from another identity— our false self. The false self can manifest in a multitude of ways: becoming strong and controlling, or perfectionistic and performancedriven, or passive and compliant, and so on. Many of our addictions stem from living out of our false selves. Our false self is a mask behind which we hide, often unaware that we are hiding.

But God desires something very different for us. He is calling us back to his original design for us—our true self and true heart—so we can love more freely, deeply, and effectively and fulfill our destiny that comes from within.

Since the younger, childlike parts of ourselves are usually closer to God's original intent for us, we often use those terms—younger part and childlike part—synonymously for our true self.

A book cannot replace the benefit of working one-on-one with a counselor. That said, we hope to provide a process whereby you can (1) tell whether you have a hard time loving yourself, and to what degree; (2) identify the core reasons why you don't love yourself; and (3) enter into a process whereby you can finally begin to love what God loves—YOU— and live your life from a position of security in his love.

This book is not designed to be read through like a novel; it is a road map toward wholeness and joy that may take you through difficult places, and there may be stop-off points. We encourage you to set your own pace. We realize that for some of you, this book may open up sensitive and painful issues. If you find yourself struggling with overwhelming emotions, we recommend that you stay within that section that is impacting you and slowly process the material. We also encourage you to seek additional help if you find that you need assistance working through the book. We recognize that neither the writing of this book nor the healing and wholeness we hope you'll discover through it can occur without the direct involvement of the Holy Spirit. So as we set out on this journey together, we invite you to pray with us here:

PRAYER

Lord Jesus, I invite you to direct and guide me in this time of exploration, revelation, and healing. You know everything about me, and you love me— all of me. Open my eyes to see what you would have me see and to feel what you would have me feel.

You came as the One full of grace and full of truth. Now please give me your grace as I look further into this area of loving myself, and let me know and experience the truth of how you really see me. It is my desire to walk in greater wholeness and freedom and to ultimately love you more and bring your love to others. I trust you in this and rely on you. Amen. Welcome to the journey. Along the way, we—Jerry and Denise—will be sharing parts of our personal stories with you as well as the stories of people with whom we have worked. We're honored that you have chosen to travel with us on this path.

CHAPTER ONE

LOVE WHAT GOD LOVES

I just want you to kill the little girl inside me.

—Alice on her first counseling appointment

Believe it or not, that was Alice's answer to our first question on her first counseling appointment. The question was, What do you want to see happen in your time with us so that when you leave here, you would say, 'I am glad I came?' Imagine the look on our faces upon her response! After all, she was coming to The Father's Heart Ministry, whose very name suggests a more loving outcome than what Alice envisioned. As Alice would soon find out, the little girl inside her was the part that needed to be healed, not killed, and restored to the Father's original design.

I don't know where I (Denise) learned that it would be okay to hate myself, dislike myself, or think shaming thoughts about myself, but I am pretty sure it came with my Catholic upbringing. I was raised as a good little Catholic girl who went to confession to the priest just about every week. It went something like this, Father, forgive me. It has been one week since my last confession. I called my sisters names four or five times. I disobeyed my parents two or three times. I lied once or twice. I am sorry for these sins and all the sins of my past life. I often made up sins and times of sins in order to make sure my confession covered all the commandments.

One traumatic day, I found a little black book in my mother's dresser drawer. It was a comprehensive (and I mean r-e-a-l-l-y comprehensive) list of all the sins you could possibly commit under each of the Ten Commandments. I never read any further than the list under the first commandment. Ever. I was now aware of so many sins to confess to the priest that I was scared to death to read any more.

My ten-year-old sister also found the book. One night after she read it and learned how supposedly bad she was, I remember feeling terrified that she would die during the night and go to hell. I don't know what a seven-year-old knows about intercessory prayer, but I did my part praying and worrying for most of the night.

That week, not wanting to risk leaving any sinful stone unturned, my sister confessed to the priest that she had committed adultery. I guess she felt that if a sin was out there, she had probably committed it. The priest asked her, How old are you? He didn't say anymore when she told him she was ten. I'm pretty sure she didn't have to do any penance for that one.

At that time in my life, I tried my hardest to please God—to measure up to whatever his standard was (I was never entirely sure) and be good enough to earn his favor so bad things wouldn't happen to me or my family. I suppose I was still in the phase of childhood when I had magical thinking: when everything was focused on me and everything that happened in my world was because of me. The concept of magical thinking, a normal phase in a child's development, can create major problems if not recognized and addressed by astute parents.

For example, it would have been normal for me as a young child to believe that my thoughts and actions could significantly affect the lives of others—especially if I had gotten the message that God, much like Santa Claus, rewards children who are good. It naturally follows that God either punishes or withholds good things if children are not good. So if something goes wrong in my family—if my father is injured in a car accident or my parents can't pay the bills—then I must have done something bad or else not done something good enough, such as saying my prayers. I then try to become better or do better.

I am too young to understand the irrationality of such a belief. So if enough bad things occur for which I continue to believe I am responsible, then I will begin to believe that I am bad, and a core lie will begin to take root.

Magical thinking and its consequences are separate from poor parenting behaviors such as abuse and emotional neglect. Those can make the strength of the core lies even greater. Parents can counteract some of these early, irrational beliefs if they can recognize when a child is internalizing and owning something that is not theirs to own.

Thomas is a thirty-five-year-old pastor's kid. He learned early not to shame the family. He blamed himself for the violent spankings from dad and the frequent slaps across the face from mom. He remembers sitting in his bedroom with a knife when he was five years old, trying to figure out how to kill himself. He described himself to us as being full of selfloathing. He believed God had purposely shortchanged him to keep him simple and of little value. Without the help of the Holy Spirit to search his heart, Thomas began a daily, merciless pattern of self-examination. He always found himself to be lacking and so bad. There wasn't a crumb of self-love anywhere.

The movie Good Will Hunting is worth its counseling weight in gold because of one powerful scene. (Isn't it amazing how God can use a movie with some not-so-good language to pierce our hearts and shake our beliefs about our identity?) In the scene, the psychologist, Sean (played by Robin Williams), is talking to a troubled teen, Will (played by Matt Damon), whom Sean has been counseling regarding anger issues.

Will was physically abused as a child, rejected by his father, and is heading down a bad path. The psychologist befriends him, which is not easy. Will has learned not to trust anyone; yet although his personal walls are a fortress, somehow the psychologist gets in. Here is an excerpt from the scene in the office where the two men are talking about their experiences with physical abuse:

Sean: My dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with. Actually, the worst of the beatings were between me and my brother. We would practice on each other, trying to find sticks that would break.

Will: My dad used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, Choose. I used to go with the wrench.

Sean: I don't know a lot, Will, but let me tell you one thing—all this history (points to his file) … Look at me, son. (Both of them are looking at each other). This is not your fault.

Will: (nonchalantly) Yeah, I know.

Sean: It's not your fault.

Will: (jokingly smiling) I know.

Sean: (seriously) It's not your fault.

Will: (very agitated) Don't ____ with me, man.

Sean: (now directly in his face) It's not your fault.

Will: I know—I know.… (His heart breaks and he loses it— BUSTED).

Sean takes Will in his arms and holds him like a child. Will sobs like a baby, and after a moment, he wraps his arms around Sean and holds him even tighter. We watch a touching demonstration of two lonely people being a father and son together.

That interchange, repeated several times (kind of like Jesus asking Peter three times, Do you love me?), has the power and truth of God on it. Over and over again in counseling, the Holy Spirit has breathed on these words:

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

In those words, God has given his children more good news, news that they previously believed was too good to be true. The Father says, I know you, I see you, I am crazy about you, and I will heal every part of you.

You see, God wastes nothing. Nothing. Love what God loves—YOU. He doesn't hold you in contempt even though he knows everything. So why do you still hold yourself in contempt?

We are reminded of another movie scene, the court scene in the movie Liar, Liar. The lawyer (Jim Carey) is emotionally coming apart in the courtroom. The judge says, One more outburst like that and this court will hold you in contempt. Carey follows with, "Your honor, I hold myself in contempt!"

Did the writer of that line eavesdrop on our counseling appointments? What a classic yet tragic conclusion so many people reach regarding themselves. This is one time when it is really good to find out you are wrong and God's opinion of you is right.

I (Denise) like to joke that my father and God are a lot alike—they both think they are always right. We will address this matter in more depth in a subsequent chapter, but since you are starting to grasp the good news of God's truth about you, why not start coming out of agreement with some of the lies you've believed right now? Using I Corinthians 13:4–8 as a template, ask yourself these questions:

Do I love myself?

Am I patient, gentle, and kind to myself?

Do I easily let go of my mistakes and wrongs?

Do I hold myself in contempt?

Do I continually doubt or shame or berate or condemn myself?

Do I trust myself? (A few years ago, a close friend with a prophetic gift spoke profoundly into my life. She pointed her finger at my heart and said, "Denise, the Lord is saying, 'Trust you.'" That statement didn't mean that I should trust in myself instead of God. Heavens no! It meant that I was to agree with how God sees me. And he sees me with a good heart that he personally placed in me).

We are now back to the original premise of this book: the missing commandment—to love my neighbor as myself.

What if I don't do a good job of loving myself? And what if my ability to love others can never exceed my ability to love me? How well, then, am I loving others? In reality, maybe not so well. Especially when I am just doing whatever I can to be liked, accepted, and appreciated by others; when I need their affection, attention, and approval; when I can't have anyone mad at me … in short, when I can't let anyone see the real me. The poser others see becomes a fabricated self, and once again I abandon my real self, reject myself, and shame myself. If I don't measure up enough for me, I will never be able to internalize and believe the love and care that God and others have for me.

God With Us

Hide—quick! As a little girl, Tamara used to hide in her closet, both from her parents and from God. In one of her sessions with us, we asked her if it would be okay if from now on the Father could come and sit in the closet with her. That suggestion opened up a whole new world for Tamara and shifted something in her heart. "Father God just wants to be with me. Is this the too-good-to-be-true good news? Wow!"

Whether God is sitting in your dark closet with you, or sitting in the corner for a time-out with you, or climbing in your make-believe tent and playing army with you; whether you are being good or getting into trouble, helping your mom bake cookies or looking at your dad's pornography magazines that you found under his bed, there is one thing that remains constant: Emmanuel, "God with us." The revelation of what that means, as seemingly small as Father God coming in and sitting next to you in your closet, can transform your heart forever.

When Cathy was six years old, her mother angrily pushed her out the front door and slammed it in her face. Cathy had to walk to school for school pictures. And to make matters worse, her mom had cut her bangs really short (a traumatic memory for many of us!).

In one of our sessions with Cathy, Father God showed her that he was right next to her—with her. She felt him take her by the hand, and he walked with her all the way to school. She thought he would just drop her off there, but instead he stayed with her, and in doing so revealed his protection of her.

This revelation of God's constant care and companionship transformed Cathy's painful memory of her mother's actions. It was no longer buried or stuffed inside of her, still alive with rejection, hurt, and shame. Instead, it was dead, buried, and replaced with a warm knowledge of the Father's presence. And from this place of God's loving presence, Cathy was able to forgive her mother and take her off the hook. This memory is now part of Cathy's story of how God met her with