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    Mr. K's Book Of Really Nasty Jokes
    Mr. K's Book Of Really Nasty Jokes
    Mr. K's Book Of Really Nasty Jokes
    Ebook113 pages1 hour

    Mr. K's Book Of Really Nasty Jokes

    By K

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    About this ebook

    Here's what they're saying about Mr. K's Book of Really Nasty Jokes:

    "I couldn't put it down!" --Benny the Shoplifter, Ferd, New Jersey

    "Vile. . .utterly disgusting. . .shockingly repulsive. . .and that was just the copyright page!" --Miss Henrietta Starch, Librarian, Prairie Oyster, Texas

    "This book made me laugh so hard I dropped my dentures into my soup!" --Hiram Crimp, author of Never Trust a Fart: Surviving Old Age with Dignity

    Mr. K is a pseudonym. He has worked as a pimp in a leper colony in Guatemala, a crash test dummy in Detroit, and a deep sea fisherman in Iowa. From 1989 through 1992 he was in the Federal Witness Protection Program until he was booted out for marrying a horse. He is the author of The Looter's Guide to American Cities and Dial M for Martyr: Suicide Bombing for Beginners. He lives in Oatmeal, Nebraska, with his wife, the former Miss Tequila Mockingbird.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherCitadel Press
    Release dateApr 24, 2012
    ISBN9780806536132
    Mr. K's Book Of Really Nasty Jokes

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      Book preview

      Mr. K's Book Of Really Nasty Jokes - K

      Mr. K’s Book of Really Nasty Jokes

      Mr. K

      CITADEL PRESS

      Kensington Publishing Corp.

      kensingtonbooks.com

      All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.

      Table of Contents

      Title Page

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      Copyright Page

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      I’d like to thank all my friends in Cell Block D for their help on this book. Their feedback was invaluable. Also, they threatened to kill me if I didn’t put their names in the book.

      Anthony Tony Meatballs Minucci from East Orange, New Jersey

      Francis Fat Frankie Boretti from Bayonne, New Jersey

      Dominick Skinny Dom Coletti from Ridgefield, New Jersey

      Tommy No Nose Campari from Lyndhurst, New Jersey, and his brother Mickey No Ears Campari, also from Lyndhurst, New Jersey

      Petey Pizza Face Petrocelli from Canarsie, Brooklyn, New York

      Eddie Big Banana Valenti from Howard Beach, Queens, New York

      Joey Gimme the Sausage and Peppers Petrocelli from Massapequa, Long Island, New York

      Nicky What, You Got a Problem with My Nickname? DiNapoli from the Bronx

      I also wish to thank Big Momo for not knifing me in the shower; Jimmy Clams for not making me pick up the soap in the shower; Georgie One Testicle for protecting me from Mickey Fat Salami, also in the shower; Tony the Navel, Lenny Liver Spots, and Frankie Earwax for protecting me against Bobby the Tuna, Mickey the Worm, and Sammy the Tree Shrew in the cafeteria.

      My thanks to Warden Radclyffe Dinsmore for the use of his computer and for graciously paying the American Express bill for all those 1-800-HOTSEX calls I made at 2:00

      A.M.

      ; to Head Guard Billy Bulldog McGurk, for smuggling in all those Vicodin tablets for me; and to Assistant Head Guard Harvey Snatz, for not bashing my head in after I accidentally threw up on his new shoes after biting into a cockroach baked into the cornbread.

      To the rest of the guys in the joint, I’d like to say good luck, God bless, and if you ever see me on the outside, remember that I was only trying to help Matty the Midget reach the top shelf in the supply room that day.

      —Mr. K.

      Anywhere, USA

      Why don’t Arabs take their wives to soccer games?

      Because they jump the fence and eat the grass.

      An attractive young woman was in the doctor’s office.

      The doctor said, I’ll be doing a vaginal examination now.

      She said, Oh, Doctor, is that really necessary?

      He said, Listen, who’s the chiropractor here, you or me?

      W

      OMAN

      : Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!

      C

      OP

      : How do you know he was Irish?

      W

      OMAN

      : I had to help him.

      What are the three rules of old age?

      1. Never pass a bathroom.

      2. Never waste a hard-on.

      3. Never trust a fart.

      Billy Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

      Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.

      Luther asks Billy Bob, So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?

      Billy Bob says, This year I’m taking Earlene with me.

      What do you call five Mexicans pushing a car to a construction site?

      A carpool.

      How many Ethiopians fit in an elevator?

      All of them!

      Why did the Muslim stop eating his wife?

      He heard someone call her a pig.

      Did you hear about the Mexican who ate pussy?

      He choked to death on a kitten.

      A guy goes to a whorehouse in Vegas. All he wants to do is eat pussy, so he’s sent upstairs to the third door on the left. Inside is a beautiful redhead. She uncrosses her legs and says to him, Okay, big boy. You like to eat pussy? Well, chow down.

      The guy hops on the bed and starts licking the whore’s snatch. Something gets stuck to his tongue. It’s a little piece of a carrot. He spits it out and goes on licking, then gets a green pea stuck to his tongue. He spits it out and continues eating her snatch. A little piece of potato ends up in his mouth.

      He spits it out and asks the whore, Are you sick or something?

      The whore says, No, but the guy before you was.

      What does a Jewish answering machine sound like?

      Sorry, I’m not home to take your call. At the tone, please leave your bad news.

      What’s the best part of taking a vacation in Puerto Rico?

      Getting to visit your hubcaps.

      Two men were driving through South Dakota when they got pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and whack, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

      What the hell was that for? the driver asked.

      You’re in South Dakota, son, the trooper answered. When we pull you over in South Dakota, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.

      I’m sorry, Officer, the driver said. I’m from California and didn’t know your laws here.

      The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license—he’s clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and whack, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

      What’d you do that for? the passenger demands.

      Just making your wish come true, replied the trooper.

      "Making what wish come true?" the passenger asked.

      I know you big-city types, the trooper says. Two miles down the road you’re gonna turn to your buddy and say, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’

      Alternative Titles for Brokeback Mountain

      Oklahomo

      High Nooner

      The Magnificent Seven Inches

      Jeremiah’s Johnson

      Butch Assidy

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