Level Up

Happening

The framework of this book is crafted in hopes that we might experience deeper maturity and higher growth regarding ourselves, interpersonal relationships, romance, and authority. More specifically, I wrote this book with my generation, the Millennials, in mind. If we’re honest, the culture we navigate through doesn’t always lend itself to quality community. Why? Because it is so easy (and sometimes celebrated) to hide, ghost, and avoid confrontation. I happen to think we’re better than that, and I believe we can all agree that healthy relationships can make our disunified world a better place. That’s why I decided to write this book and call it Level Up, a phrase that embodies the action of working toward greater things. I want to reach a higher level, to shape our world into something better. In order to do this, we must recognize that unity, authenticity, and a better world begin with you and me. It begins with us taking our own baggage seriously and allowing the timeless principles of God’s Word to embody our thinking, moving, and being. That’s the goal of this book: to get you to level up in your relationships and, in turn, experience your own personal victory while partnering with God in bringing true hope to every person you come in contact with.

START WITH ME

Family history is incredibly important to the makeup of who we are and eventually what we become. Many of the friends and family I grew up around, including my wife, experienced divorce, financial uncertainty, instability in their living situation, and domestic abuse. I’m sure I’ve already touched a nerve and covered a large percentage of my readers with that last sentence. The truth is, if you’ve grown up over the last fifty years, statistics show that 40 percent of us or more have experienced some sort of broken or incomplete home scenario.¹

I live just a few blocks away from one of the largest open-air drug markets in the US. I’ve walked the streets and have seen firsthand the devastation of this crisis, not only on the streets of Kensington but in my own family as well. From suicides, deaths too soon, addiction, and unexpected disappointments, I’m sure many of you have experienced the same thing with some of your loved ones. Additionally, the church I pastor supports a recovery house that sits in the middle of the drug war zone. From knowing the addicted and hearing their stories, we find that great pain and disappointment experienced throughout their formative years are prevalent themes that drive many (not all) to addiction. For most, what started as a momentary way out of reality turned into a deeper pit of real-life slavery. So whether we like to admit it or not, how we grew up and what was accepted or ignored in our home affect how we interact with others and how we view ourselves. These realities can manifest later in life and lead to dark places, such as addiction, prison, broken relationships, horrible anxieties, or even suicide.

Because my parents loved me and stayed together, I experienced an acceleration of confidence and success in my life, for which I’m grateful. However, I also know that even in a together home, there can be broken pasts, incorrect patterns, and unhealed hearts. When I look at my family history, I see major gaps of health. Like many of us, there is major addiction and abuse woven throughout the fabric of my family history. There’s also murder, mental illness, shame, divorce, and disappointment. Great fear and anxiety exist in my family, too, and may in yours as well. I, you, we, could go on and on, but I’ll spare you.

That being said, you know what else is in my family history? Hard work. Loyalty. A mustard seed of faith. Passion. Forgiveness. Adventure. A pioneering spirit. Risk. Patriotism. Overachieving. An underdog spirit. I’m proud of these traits and carry them intrinsically. We all have good and bad family tendencies that have been passed down to us. Interestingly, some of the very things we hate about our family or ourselves have the potential to propel us to higher realms of success when we learn to manage them correctly. Crazy to think, right?

What am I saying? Well, I need you to understand that winning in relationships has so much to do with understanding yourself and experiencing victory over your own demons. The reality is, we all have challenges that have been passed down to us, and unfortunately, we have probably grabbed some unnecessary baggage along the way as well. Maybe some of those lingering mistakes have affected current and past relationships in your life. Take a breath and remember that all relationships are work, and often the most fruitful and healthy relationships develop when we, you and I, put in the personal work to know ourselves and rest on the spiritual surgical table. You may be thinking, Maybe the ship has sailed and certain relationships are unlikely to be restored. That’s hard. I get it.

Still, there’s hope for today and tomorrow. I’m a believer in the power of redemption and the magnificent work of grace. God did miracles then and can still do them today. There’s even hope to make peace with relationships in which someone has passed on from this life. That’s hope. And this is a book about hope. This is a book about victory. This is a book about enjoying your journey with yourself and others, not just enduring your numbered days. You’re going to smile again. Laugh again. Run again. You’re going to win again or be victorious for the very first time. That’s good news; that’s hope!

As you read, my prayer is not only that you apply these practical principles but also that you continually take personal inventory of your own health. I hope you will become more self-aware, vulnerable, and honest than you ever have before. As you put the personal work in, you can experience the most beautiful part of life, which is peace with yourself, fluidity with others, and vibrancy with God. While this book isn’t necessarily about marriage, business, parenting, money, or entrepreneurship, I believe many of these principles will serve you well in every area of your life—especially because life, in most ways, is about relationships. Ready to level up? Let’s go.

1. Glenn Allen and Jadine S. Jett, Stats of Effects in Broken Homes, Richmond Times-Dispatch, January 30, 2013.

When I was in high school, football was the centerpiece of my existence. I started playing varsity at the end of my freshman year and never looked back. My favorite pro team, the Philadelphia Eagles, went to four straight conference championships during that time as well. My weekend consisted of high school football on Friday nights and watching college football on Saturdays in preparation for the Birds game on Sunday. My mom would take us to the early church service so that we could make it back in time for the 1 pm kick-off. We’d stop at the bagel shop next to the sports bar to grab tuna, cream cheese, everything bagels, and soda. She would cut tomatoes and red onions to place on the bagels and would serve these with fried potatoes. I still love tomato and red onion today on anything—potatoes too, but that’s to my detriment. Because we lived in Orlando, Florida, the Eagles rarely played on the regular channels, and there was no NFL Sunday Ticket, so we had to get home and eat our bagels quickly, watch the pregame show, and hustle over to the sports bar to watch the game. Even then we’d end up getting stuck with the Buccaneers, Jaguars, or Dolphins—yuck! Those Sundays were fun and formative times, and it was a great opportunity for my father and me to bond as well.

As I write this, I can’t help but think of my son, Maverick, who was born on September 1, 2017, just in time for the Eagles’ first Super Bowl winning season. Holding my son in the center of Philadelphia, at the church we started, as we won the Super Bowl was absolutely priceless. Heaven on Earth is the best way to describe it. I wish my dad could have stood there with us, but I could hear him in my heart saying, Can you believe it? over and over, and me replying out loud, "No, they’re lying to us!"

Stay with me; I’m going somewhere with this. The purpose of these stories is to help you understand my personality and tendencies, and hopefully you’ll be able to identify some of your own as I share mine.

My football team was bad in high school. We lost almost every Friday, and when I would get home, I’d gripe and head to my room. I would barely come out until I had to Sunday morning. I was so frustrated, angry, embarrassed, and disappointed by losing that it would pin me to my bed and consume me. I remember one year on my birthday weekend, the Eagles lost the conference championship (the game before the Super Bowl) again. I was so irritated that I took all of my posters, pictures, jerseys, and autographs and put them in a box in the fireplace. First of all, why did we have a fireplace in Florida? Second, I’m glad my mom wouldn’t let me burn it, because I know I would have.

I took perfection so seriously that I couldn’t see straight. Why? Was it insecurity? Fear? Pride? Certainly, an ounce of parental or godly fear is healthy, and so is a bit of pride. I’m not talking about arrogance, but the ability to hold your head high and walk confidently in your work or experience joy over your team winning. Having a competitive nature is not wrong either. However, my emotions were unhealthy and stemmed from somewhere deeper. I served my emotions rather than my emotions serving me. In fact, it’s something I still struggle with today, and, I imagine, you may too.

Later on in life, as I started to preach and counsel, I began to understand some of my own issues more clearly as they would come out as advice I didn’t know was in me. For instance, I love my mother very much. Besides my wife, she is my best friend and biggest cheerleader. I’m also aware that she had a very challenging childhood and things happened to her that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

There is a huge age gap between my parents. My mom grew up during the sexual revolution decades, where drugs were normal and partners were vast. This comes with its own baggage. My dad, on the other hand, grew up in America’s Greatest Generation. He is a WWII product, served in the Navy, and even had a wife and family before he met my mother. My dad was raised in a time in which you didn’t complain, you made it work, you innovated, and you did what you had to for your country and family. I’m not sure the phrases I love you, I’m proud of you, or you can do whatever you dream were a part of his equation. Because of this, I’m aware that my Eastern European heritage comes with a tenacity and grit that don’t always lend themselves to sensitivity. Of course, when your childhood is built on survival or neglect, this affects your path in life. Without the key ingredient of a healthy home and regular, loving communication, our confidence is limited and our self-image can get skewed.

As I mentioned in the introduction, even in my together home, I was experiencing fragments of my parents’ incompletions. Going back even further, both sets of my grandparents had significant challenges of their own. My mom’s mom, for instance, was abused and tossed around between different homes and boarding schools. She also had miscarriages, six kids, lost her only son, and overcame alcoholism through it all. My mom’s dad served in the Army, had an incomplete relationship with his father, and married my grandmother at sixteen years old. Sixteen and married? Wow. Recognizing my own immaturities (and not speaking for others), I cannot even imagine getting married that young.

The point I’m making is that my parents were fragile, incomplete, and unhealthy, even after they became Christians. For clarity, becoming a Christian does not immediately eliminate our issues; by God’s grace, it illuminates our issues and mercifully leads us toward the fresh waters of freedom. I love that about God, and I love that about following Jesus. He leads us by still waters and takes His time in both revealing our problems and healing our brokenness. Sadly, for many of us it becomes too painful to deal with, so we run from instead of running to, leaving our relationships and souls to pay the price.

Early on in my life, my parents took a big risk and moved from Philadelphia to Orlando to start a new branch of their company. God is so sovereign, and I’m convinced this move saved our lives. I do not think I would be alive today had my parents not left Philadelphia. How do I know? Considering all of the groundwork I laid about my family history, I’m confident I would have been a disaster, and due to the stark similarities between my mother and me, we would have killed each other (not an exaggeration).

Through years of deep work in my soul, I can pinpoint the reason I was so intense about losing and why I took it (and sometimes still take it) so personally. Simple