Camp

Chapter 1

I Hate Her

When I was fourteen, not quite four years ago, I’d lie awake at night and pray my mother would die.

If I had known her secret, I might not have hated her. But my parents didn’t tell me about the ghost that slipped into the hospital the day I was born. It crept across my umbilical cord, linking me to my mother’s past. Then it wedged right between us. My father said doctors couldn’t explain the purple blotches on my chest. But now I’m sure of this: That phantom punched me hard. And though the black-and-blues faded before I could crawl, the ghost kept pushing my mother from me, flexing its muscles, bulking up. So by the time my parents sent me to sleepaway camp, that ghost was larger than I was. I just hadn’t seen it yet.

•

Dad sprang the news about camp on us in the fall when I was in ninth grade. I heard from my brother today, he announced at dinner as my mother carried a plate of lamb chops to the kitchen table. The smell of meat thickened the air. Ed closed the deal on that girls camp he’s been looking at.

My mother’s hands shook on hearing Ed’s name. Back then, in 1962, I couldn’t have guessed the real reason my uncle rattled her, though I would find out in time.

And there’s great news for you, Amy, my father told me. He smiled so wide I saw his gold tooth. Guess who’s going to sleepaway? Dad used his happy birthday voice, the tone usually followed by a brightly wrapped package.

But camp was a present I didn’t want. What if all the girls knew each other from past summers? And how could I leave my little brother, Charlie? Who would play with him when he’d come home from summer school at The Woodland Center for Handicapped Children? Who would read to him while our mother made supper or brought the laundry up from the basement or mopped the bathroom floor?

Dad, I don’t want to go, I said flatly.

You’re not worried about the cost, honey, are you? He kept talking before I could tell him that wasn’t it—not at all. ’Cause everything’s worked out already. I’ll help Uncle Ed with the bookkeeping, and you’ll go to camp for free. Isn’t that great news? My father lifted his water glass as if to toast me. The two oldest cabins are for girls just your age.

My mother uncovered a pot. The lid clanged the stove. Lou, you said we’d discuss this when the deal went through. We need to talk about it.

We will. It’ll be fine. My father faced me and smiled again.

Dad, I really don’t want to go. What if nobody liked me? I’d be all alone. Not even Charlie to talk to, to care for. I slid closer to him and jabbed a bite of meat. But when I held out his fork, my brother refused it. Instead, he drummed the table—a kind of frenzied patting.

Don’t be silly, Amy, my father said. Of course you want to go. Who wouldn’t want eight weeks by a lake in Maine?

Lou, my mother said once more, turning from the stove this time. She stared hard at my father, then fixed on Charlie. I said we need to talk about this.

But Ed says it’s a beautiful place.

What could Ed possibly know about running a camp?

Sonia, come on, Sonia. He’ll learn. And the property’s terrific. In great shape, Ed says.

I don’t care what Ed says.

Why can’t you just be happy for him? We’re family, for God’s sake. Brothers support each other. And anyhow, Ed got a good deal, and Amy gets to go to camp. What could be wrong with that?

I told you, my mother answered. Ed doesn’t know the first thing about running a camp.

And I told you he’ll learn. And he won’t even have to change a thing. He already talked to the head counselor. She’s been there two or three summers, and she said she’ll come back.

Dad, I really don’t think . . . I placed a hand on Charlie’s, stilling his fingers. Everything stopped: the air in the kitchen, the swish of my mother’s spoon in the vegetable pot, the questions in my mind.

Your mother’s right, Amy. Right as usual. She and I will talk about this later.

I forced a playfulness into my voice then, a reassurance for myself as well as for Charlie that nothing would change, that no one would go away for the summer. Let’s pour some ketchup, buddy. Then you can dip, okay?

My mother turned a thimbleful of peas onto Charlie’s plate. He grabbed his fork, holding it tight in his scrawny fist. No. Charlie mustered up his gravelly voice. No. No! He swiped at his plate, sending meat and vegetables through the kitchen.

My mother leaped up behind him, her hands heavy on Charlie’s birdlike shoulders.

It’s okay, son, my father said, as Charlie struggled to twist loose, his eyes finding mine.

Mom, let him go! The words spilled from my mouth. I couldn’t stop them, though I knew I’d get in trouble. Please, Mom. You’re hurting him. I looked to my father in silent pleading: Do something.

My mother’s eyes burned into me. "You think you’re so smart, Amy? You know what’s best for your brother? Then you make him behave."

Please, I tried again, my voice softer now. Just let him go, Mom.

Oh, you don’t know anything, Amy, she said. Charlie wriggled faster to escape our mother’s grip. You don’t know anything. Nothing.

But you’re hurting him! I tried once more, my courage fueled by anger. How dare she treat Charlie like that. Stop squeezing his shoulders!

My mother shot Dad a look. Don’t you tell your mother how to manage her own son, young lady, my father said.

Charlie finally freed himself and flew from the kitchen. I followed my brother up the stairs, pounding the steps to the beat in my mind: I hate her. I hate her. I wish she were dead.

I hated how my mother made my father buckle. I hated how my mother treated Charlie. I hated how she made me feel unworthy of her love.

That night my father told us about camp, I prayed my mother would die.

Chapter 2

The Requirement of Perfection

The day before camp started, my mother and I went to Woolworth’s for the toiletries I hadn’t packed in my trunk: a soap holder, collapsible plastic cup, Prell shampoo. When an extra dollar popped up on the cash register, my mother tapped her foot, ticking off seconds while the checkout girl struggled to cancel the overcharge. My mother glanced at her watch. Charlie’s bus was due at the house in twenty minutes.

Sorry, ma’am, the cashier said. I need the manager.

What’s your name, young lady?

I’m trying my best, ma’am.

My mother sighed loudly enough for the clerk to hear, then asked again, What’s your name?

I wished I could shrink to dime size and slide right into the register. Why did my mother always make a fuss over every little thing?

Anna, the cashier mumbled, head down.

What did you say? The edge vanished from my mother’s voice.

Anna, the girl repeated, looking up now.

My mother let out a slow breath. I’m sorry, dear. I barely recognized my mother’s voice, suddenly so filled with softness I wondered what I had missed. Had my mother met this Anna before?

I recognized her as one of the girls I had seen on line at the Dairy Queen when my father and I took Charlie for a cone. When my brother spotted a dachshund, leashed at the far corner, Charlie’s scream had silenced even the high school boys.

Now I smiled at the Woolworth’s cashier—a thin smile of apology for my brother, my mother, and for simply being there at the five and ten. Don’t worry, Mom, I said as I studied the items I’d carry up to camp. We’ve got a few extra minutes. Charlie’s bus is always late on Fridays.

I know that, she said. Unwilling to admit she forgot the details of his schedule, my mother looked in her change purse as if his program lined it. How could she have failed to remember? My mother mastered schedules the way she mastered cleaning. I used to wonder what went through her mind when she fluffed the pillows on the living room sofa as if company were coming, though rarely anyone came.

•

The alarm clock rang at six-thirty on the morning I left for camp. My eyes filled with tears as I memorized my room—the Russian nesting dolls on my dresser; Puppy, my oldest stuffed animal; my miniature porcelain dogs on the shelf by my bed.

Before Charlie was born, I had asked for a real dog. But my mother said she had enough to clean without pet hair. And anyhow, dogs don’t belong in a house, she announced, her tone ending discussion. In Germany, she had said, no one brought their dogs inside.

Now I rearranged my china ones, then got dressed in green shorts and a yellow shirt—my outfit for the next eight weeks. Yuck! Looking in the mirror, I saw someone you would pass without notice. Invisible except for that pathetic camp uniform. Not pretty like my mother. Not sexy like the popular girls in school. Just plain Amy Becker, disguised as a teenager whose parents could afford to send her to Maine for two months. How could I possibly be expected to wear this fitted T-shirt that hugged my chest, the Camp Takawanda logo a bull’s-eye on my left breast?

And how would Charlie survive a whole summer without me to run interference between him and our mother? I had never left Charlie for more than a day, when I would sleep over at my friend Danielle’s house. But even that ended when she got angry because I always had to stop what we were doing to call home at Charlie’s bedtime. Jeez, Ame, Danielle finally said, aren’t you ever gonna have your own life? I mean, shoot, your brother’s gotta grow up sometime.

Danielle didn’t understand why I had to say good night to Charlie. If I didn’t, he wouldn’t go to bed. Yet when I did, I had to remind Danielle that my brother was eight going on four. And I had to explain why I never invited Danielle to sleep over at my house. I couldn’t even ask her to stay for dinner. Charlie, whose body barely took up space, filled the entire house. There was no room for outsiders.

If Danielle didn’t understand that, well then, I’d be fine without her. Like my mother, I see now, I had learned to shut the outer world out, lock the inner world in. Was that how she survived when she left Germany? Growing up, I knew nothing of her life there. Your mother doesn’t talk about that, my father warned.

•

Charlie and I were in his room when my mother called us to breakfast. His carpet prickled my bare legs as I reached over to hand him a triangular wooden block to top the tower we’d built. I hadn’t even left, and already I despised those skimpy green shorts and Camp Takawanda for Girls.

Charlie gripped the block and looked at me. I pointed to our building. Come on, buddy. Put it up there. Charlie didn’t move. You have to stand to finish this. His blue eyes glazed when I smiled at him. You know I’m going away today, don’t you? I rumpled his soft brown hair. But you’re gonna visit me in a month. And at the end of the summer, I’ll be right back here with you.

Amy! Charlie! my mother called again from the bottom of the stairway. I said breakfast is ready. Her harsh German accent made me flinch, each word a bullet from the back of her throat.

We’ll be right down, I answered as I studied my brother. Come on, Charlie. You put that block on top, and then how ’bout we take a picture?

Charlie jumped up, flapping his arms as if they were wings.

I pulled the Instamatic, which I had given Charlie for his last birthday, from its place on the third shelf. I’d gotten the idea when a Kodak ad leaped out of Life magazine: a fragile boy, no bigger than my brother, with a camera pressed to his eye and a grin filling his face. Charlie could do that, I thought. In my head, I saw us roaming the neighborhood, snapping away: Mrs. Harris’s flower garden; the Anderson twins on their matching red bikes; even Zeus, the Sparbers’ black Lab that darted down the block every time sixteen-year-old Mike opened the door to let friends in. The week before I bought the camera, Zeus had raced toward Charlie, who screamed until bedtime. Maybe if we caught Zeus on film, I thought, Charlie wouldn’t be scared anymore.

Now on the day I left for camp, I looked through the camera, which my brother never used. I snapped a shot of Charlie standing by our tower of blocks.

Let’s go, kids! Dad called. Mom’s making French toast.

Okay, buddy, I said. Clean up time. Ready? Charlie knocked down the blocks, which I stacked on his two lowest shelves. First the large rectangles, then the smaller ones, and finally the squares and triangles. Everything in its place, and a place for every thing.

But why this requirement of perfection—those stupid rules that governed our lives?

•

A light blue apron, tied with a perfect bow, shielded my mother’s navy dress as she stood by the stove.

Sure is a hot one already, my father announced when he came to breakfast. Think I’ll turn on the living room air conditioner. Maybe a little air’ll get in here.

We’ll be gone before it cools off, my mother answered. Her high heels, the exact shade of her dress, clicked the linoleum as she lay forks on the kitchen table.

I drizzled syrup on Charlie’s French toast. Don’t let that get on his shirt, my mother said. I don’t want to have to change him before we go.

Why don’t you just tell him to be careful? I almost screamed. Why do you treat him as if he can’t understand? But the last time I talked back, my father followed me right into my room. She’s so mean! was all I said before he started in: "I don’t ever want to hear you talk about your mother like that! His anger made me shudder. She’s had a really hard life, Amy. Silence for a moment. Then, his voice gentler, I wish you could know what she’s been through. Maybe someday you will."

That morning I left for Takawanda, I didn’t talk back. I simply tucked a napkin into Charlie’s shirt and said, He won’t get dirty, Mom. We’ve got it under control. Don’t we, buddy?

Charlie grabbed his fork and twirled it in the syrup.

So today’s the big day. My father’s happy birthday tone seemed forced. That uniform looks nice on you, honey.

I hunched to shrink the camp logo on my chest.

Sit up straight, Amy, my mother ordered. And watch your posture this summer. You’re getting round-shouldered already.

Sonia, please, Sonia. Can’t we have one peaceful meal before she leaves?

She’ll be old before her time if she doesn’t watch her posture.

I stabbed a piece of French toast and tried not to sound teary. May I be excused?

Excused? You haven’t eaten anything, my mother said. And please, Amy, sit up straight.

The camp logo rode high on my breast as I uncurled my spine. But I’m not hungry, and Uncle Ed said we’re eating on the bus.

I don’t care what your Uncle Ed said!

Charlie started to tremble.

Sonia, please, my father tried again. It’s a big day for her. He turned to me. You nervous, honey?

A little.

Well, no need. Why I’ll bet you make so many friends you won’t even want to come home.

Now Charlie’s whole body shook. It’s okay, buddy, I said, placing a hand on his knee, then poking at a bite of French toast.

You’ll have a great time, Ame. My father spoke too loudly, as if trying to convince us.

My stomach knotted when I held the fork to my mouth. Don’t play with your food, my mother said.

I searched for an excuse to leave the table. I have to go check my room. I need to make sure I didn’t forget anything.

What could you forget? my mother asked. We had a list.

True enough. She had ticked off the items as I laid them in my trunk. Four pairs of shorts. Check. Ten pairs of underpants. Check. Two bathing suits. Check.

When the packing was done, she had placed the camp list in that metal box in her closet—the box in which I saw her put Charlie’s progress reports. The box where I assumed my mother stowed all those papers she took care of: birth certificates and vaccination records; school notes and clothing receipts.

I caught my father’s eye across the table. Go ahead, he said. You’re excused.

No she’s not. She hasn’t eaten yet. She doesn’t know how lucky she is to have a good breakfast. My mother’s variation on starving children in China. The long version went like this: You don’t know what it’s like to be hungry and wonder where your next meal is coming from when you’ve left home in a hurry and you’re all by yourself.

A clue to my mother’s past. I had heard it so many times that I didn’t even pay attention anymore.

Go ahead, Ame, my father said again. Charlie pushed back his chair. Go on now, both of you. My anxiety must have been visible: My father was risking my mother’s fury to help me. I avoided her eyes as I left the kitchen, shadowed by Charlie, who followed me upstairs.

You wait in your room, buddy, I said at the door to mine. I needed a moment to myself, a chance to breathe without reprimand or interruption. I’ll be there in a minute.

Charlie wrapped himself around my leg.

I know. I wish I didn’t have to go away today. I kissed the top of his head, then disengaged his arms. But you go ahead now. Scoot. I gave him a playful nudge. Scoot, scoot, skedaddle.

Scoot, scoot, skedaddle, Charlie whispered, running the heels of his hands over his eyes.

I shut my door and opened my Russian nesting dolls to line them up on the dresser. The next-to-the-smallest doll stuck, trapping the tiniest one inside. I held Puppy to my face and inhaled my stuffed animal’s peanut butter scent.

•

A half hour later, we were in the car—Charlie and I in the back of the brown Impala, our parents up front. A warm breeze whipped my face when my father rolled down his window. I grabbed a rubber band from the bag at my feet and pulled my hair into a ponytail.