We Above Me

Foreword

The book you are about to read should be read with urgency. As a pastor, I feel this urgency deeply for two reasons. First, I have become aware of hurting people all around me struggling in the area of marriage. They are resentful, angry, brokenhearted, and, most sadly, without hope. Even as Christians, we have bought into society's cheap version of the husband and wife relationship. For most of society, their view of marriage is low. As a result, marriages are failing.

Secondly, I feel an urgency for you to read this book because of the importance God has placed on marriage. Marriage isn’t just a way for us to have happiness, security, and a mutual meeting of needs. Marriage is the beautiful picture that God has chosen to display His covenant with man. It’s a supernatural, awe-inspiring, logic-defying pact that supersedes our sin and our selfishness and stands the test of time.

Eric and Cheri Winterton write from both of these places.

Eric and Cheri’s first marriages were to people who believed in Christ but didn’t practice Christ’s principles for marriage. There was no biblical application of the grace and love they’d experienced in salvation played out in marriage. Marriage was compartmentalized, separate, and unconnected.

And both of their marriages failed.

Statistics show that a second marriage is even more likely to fail than a first. There was no reason to believe that this second marriage would be any better than their first ones, that it would end any differently. The odds were not good.

But something happened in Eric and Cheri’s hearts between that first marriage and the second one. This second marriage was intentionally built upon the principles of God’s Word about Christ-honoring marriages. They carefully studied, meditated, and prayed over Scripture to allow the Holy Spirit to change their view of marriage. It needed rebuilding from the ground up.

God’s view of marriage is vastly different and more wonderful than anything we can imagine. And we can’t know this type of marriage apart from God; He has to be the one to teach it to us through His Word.

This book presents you with that opportunity. Will you walk through Scripture with the Wintertons and ask the Author of marriage to teach you His ways? Will you challenge your ideas of marriage and question your commitment? This beautiful, messy, difficult relationship called marriage is unlike any other, but it’s the one human relationship God chose to glorify Himself through as a picture of Christ and the church. Understanding marriage from God’s perspective gives a deeper, multi-prismatic picture of the gospel.

Not only will this book walk you through the biblical view of marriage from a philosophical standpoint but it will also take those ideas and outline very practical steps to living out God’s plan for your marriage each day. Revolutionary ideas are boiled down to the very practical through homework, questions for conversation, and the nuts and bolts of interactions that will help you implement what you’ve learned as you reflect that beautiful gospel message through your marriage.

The ideas in this book are tried and true. Following the transformation in their own lives, the Wintertons were asked to share what they had learned in small group settings designed for couples facing the unique challenges of second marriages and blended families. It quickly became apparent that this study of the biblical view of marriage would be beneficial to an even wider audience of couples. The class grew in number and, more importantly, in spirit as hearts were changed, paths were altered, and relationships were healed.

The material you will study here has been used for counseling and mentoring couples in crises. Over and over, we’ve seen dramatic results that can only be explained by the power of the Word of God to change lives when nothing else can.

Maybe you are one of those in crisis, frustrated and without hope. Perhaps you’re simply disappointed in your marriage and wonder if it can ever be better than it is right now. Maybe you don’t have anyone to confide in and wonder if others have walked this path as well.

Keep reading. I have seen the biblical principles explained in these pages play out in the flesh-and-bone marriage of one of the strongest families we have in our church. There is hope. Your marriage can be healed. Walk with Eric and Cheri through these pages, and experience the change you’ve longed for.

Sincerely,

Dr. Scott Tewell

Senior Pastor

Rosedale Baptist Church

Prologue

According to the last census, completed in 2010, only 40.5% of Americans were married at that time. This is a large decline from the 84% of people that were married at the time of the 1970 census. Part of this statistic is due to people getting married at older ages or choosing to cohabitate in lieu of marriage. Another main driver is that divorce rates have significantly increased over the past 40 years. The census also shows that many people have chosen to cohabit rather than get married and that just under 50% of all first marriages lasted more than 20 years. What has been going on in America over the past 40 decades? All of this data points to the fact that most people have given up on marriage. They are ill-equipped to handle a life-long commitment to marriage because they don’t understand what marriage means anymore. Current culture seems to embrace the idea of living together before marriage; however, the census shows that people that do so are significantly more likely to end up divorced. People that had premarital births also were at an increased risk of divorce. This book was written as a guide to people that want to understand what it means to be in a healthy marriage and want to know the secrets to being the right person, finding the right person, and staying happily married to that person until death do them part.

Figure 1 - A Smaller Share of Adults Are Married (% Currently Married)

If you are thinking of marriage but have doubts about the marriage lasting, my wife and I are in a unique position to tell you that we have traveled down both roads ahead of you: We have done marriage the wrong way and the right way. I personally was one of those divorce statistics. I have fathered not one but two kids out of wedlock from two different mothers. I lived with both of them, I married one of them, and the total combined time spent living with these women was fewer than five years. Living with these women was good initially, but within a year, our lives turned into a constant struggle. It seemed like one good day would be just enough to get me through an entire week of difficulty. I had constant stress, was rarely happy, and never had peace.

Cheri was married for almost 10 years and had one son with her ex-husband. Although they both believed in God, got married in the church, and went to premarital classes, neither one of them had a personal relationship with God. Within a year of being married, evidence was clear that they only thought of themselves and what they could get out of the marriage. Cheri admits that they had a lonely, self-centered marriage.

Cheri and I were married on New Year’s Day in 2005. There is no better time than the first day of a new year to start a NEW BEGINNING! Cheri's son walked her down the aisle and stood as her man of honor. My two boys were my best man and ring bearer. It was the joining of two families, and the five of us were so excited to become one blended family.

Although we have had our share of difficulties, the days of joy, peace, and happiness have outshined any issues we have ever faced. In fact, I love my wife more now than I did the day we met. What changed? Why did this second marriage succeed and my first two serious relationships fail? There are many reasons, and I will cover those in this book in depth, but mostly I changed through a relationship with Jesus Christ. I found peace, joy, and happiness that has grown in proportion to the relationship I have with Christ. The stronger my walk, the more I study, memorize, and meditate on the Word of God and the better my marriage has become. My wife also has a heart for the Lord, and as we both have drawn closer to God, we have drawn closer together.

This book will reveal the things that you must do to make a marriage work successfully and what you need to avoid doing to prevent your marriage from falling apart. According to an August 2013 survey done by Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts[1], these are the top three reasons for divorce:

Incompatibility (43%)

Infidelity (28%)

Financial issues (22%)

This book will focus on these three topics to ensure that you are compatible with your mate, to protect you from infidelity, and to teach you how to properly handle your money as a couple. How wonderful would it be to enter into marriage knowing that you are equipped with the knowledge and tools you need to protect your marriage from 93% of the problems that can cause divorce? To go to the altar with confidence, not just in your heart but in your head, because you know both the privilege and responsibilities of a married couple? It is our sincere hope that this book will help you to understand the biblical link between love and needs that will make your marriage more unified. We have included lots of tools that you can use to avoid the mistakes Cheri and I made to help your only marriage be like the one Cheri and I have today. May this book bring a revival to the institution of marriage today in America.

Disclaimer: There are many testimonies throughout this book. All of them are absolutely true; however, some details may be omitted and the story modified to improve continuity and protect the people beyond our immediate family. Our intention is not to cast anyone in a negative light. The point is to show the contrast between our lives without God in them and how much better life is when we are unified with God and with each other.

1

What Is Love?

I’m 10 years old, and I hop out of bed on a Saturday morning excited to watch the Saturday morning cartoons. I run down the hall toward the living room ready to leap on the sofa, only to be stopped in my tracks. My mom is sitting with my older brother, both of them with tears streaming down their faces. She waves me over. Suddenly Saturday morning cartoons are not that important any longer. What is going on? I wonder. Did someone die? Or maybe she is just sad because Dad has been traveling a lot lately. Now that I think about it, I can’t remember the last time my dad was home more than he was on the road. He is taking business trips a lot lately. I crawl up on her lap and look my mother in the face. She tells me my dad is not coming back from his business trip. He is moving out. They are getting a divorce. The family is dissolved. Ruined. Everyone is crying. Suddenly I do feel like someone died. Maybe a little of all of us died that day.

On another Saturday morning, hundreds of miles away, a young girl named Cheri wakes up to the sounds of plates clinking, the smell of coffee brewing, and bacon sizzling. She walks down the steps and into the kitchen, where all the noise and yummy smells are coming from. There she sees her mom at the stove making breakfast and her dad at the head of the table, reading the local paper and sipping his coffee. Before she makes her presence known, she just watches them. Mom is chatting about the day's plans, and Dad is glancing over his paper, hanging on her every word, with just the slightest smile on his face. He puts down his coffee and paper, walks over to her mother, and hugs her from behind. Mom spins around and squeezes him tight. It's at that moment that they notice their daughter standing there. She runs to them, her dad picks her up, and the three of them hug. Just then her three older sisters barge in on their moment, and the kitchen is now aflutter with chatter and activity. A happy, joyful family.

What leads one family to come together only to be destroyed?

Why is another family so happy?

What is the difference between a loving Christian family and a worldly family?

The Bible has the answers. It starts with each individual in the family. It starts with you and your mindset toward your family and toward life. The biblical truths in this book will not only help your family but will help every relationship you have, including the one you have (or will have) with Jesus Christ.

What Is Love?

To understand love and marriage as defined by the Bible, we need to start by diving into the biblical truth about love. There are many Bible passages that discuss love, and even in the original Greek language, there are at least three words that all mean love: eros, philia, and agape. Is it any wonder the world we live in today is confused by the word love? You may hear people say, I love pizza, or I love football, and then they will say the words I love you to someone. If you ask them to define love, they stutter and stumble, and no two definitions are ever the same. If you are anything like me, you may be confused too. That is, until I studied the Word of God, the Bible.

In the past, I was confused about what love was. I didn’t know God, I didn’t know God’s Word, and therefore I didn’t know love. Unfortunately, a great many people today are in the same boat.

1 John 4:8 – He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

I’ve been married twice in my life. The first time was without God, and it lasted 17 months. My marriage with God in it has lasted 13 years and has gotten stronger each and every year. My first marriage was full of despair, pain, and two selfish people who didn’t know God and therefore didn’t know how to treat one another. Those 17 months felt like forever! My second marriage, my godly marriage, my marriage to a godly woman, is so full of positive memories that it seems like it was just yesterday when we exchanged vows with one another. Time has flown! We have so many happy moments. We know God on a personal level, and the closer to Him we draw, the closer to one another we get.

As you can see in this graphic, the closer you and your spouse move toward God, the closer you are to each other. Coincidence? Not at all. God is love, and the more you understand Him, the more you will understand love and the better able you will be to give that love to others.

Three Kinds of Love

The word love can be translated from three different Greek words. Each word means something completely different. Let’s explore the different meanings of love. Simply put, they mean the following:

Eros – romance

Philia – friendship

Agape – charity

Eros

Eros is physical love. It is where we get the root of the word erotic. When you admire someone’s physical features, athletic figure, cute face, etc., that is eros love. Eros love is when you are physically attracted to another person.

Philia

Philia is friendship. The name Philadelphia came from philia and is often referred to as the city of brotherly love. Philia love is when you have things in common with someone. In other words, you are attracted to people that think like you do and like the same things you do. Do you agree on politics, religion, movies, food, sports, entertainment, or other interests? This commonality among different people also creates an attraction to another person. You enjoy being around those people who agree with you. The more you have in common, the more philia love you have with people.

Agape

Finally, we have agape, which translates into the English word charity. What is charity? I’ve looked at several definitions that don’t do this word nearly enough justice. The way most people think of it, charity is giving to the poor or needy. While this is a good example of charity, it still doesn’t completely explain the word. Here is my definition:

Charity – The giving of a product or services to meet the needs of another person without expectation of payment

You aren’t charitable if you expect someone to earn what you are giving them. If I give canned goods to a homeless shelter, I don’t expect the homeless person to come wash my car or mow my lawn, right? If I did that, it wouldn’t be charity. The homeless person would be earning the canned goods. It’s not a gift if it’s earned. One key aspect of charity is to give without expecting anything in return.

The second aspect of the definition is to make sure that the product or service is meeting a need. If I donate an Xbox video game to a homeless shelter, that really doesn’t help meet the needs of the hungry or someone who doesn’t have a home. In order to be charitable, it must meet a need. Agape love is meeting the needs of another person by providing a product or service without expecting anything in return. The two important elements of charity/love/agape are that it requires giving without expectation of payment (a gift) and that it must meet a need for the person it is intended for.

The agape love definition clearly fits the context of 1 John 4:8, where God describes himself. This definition also fits the context of John 3:16:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

God gave. He offered us something of value, not expecting us to pay him back. That is why we can’t earn our way into heaven (Eph. 2:8–9). What was the gift? His only begotten son. What need did that gift meet in us (the world)? Everlasting life. Now, that is a gift worth receiving.

There is a stark contrast among the different types of love. Eros and philia are both an attraction to someone, a feeling; they are both focused on what you can get from someone you are attracted to. Compare that to agape love, where there is no attraction but rather a responsibility; it is you giving, not getting. Eros and philia are attractions based on what you get out of the other person as opposed to what you can give to another person. Agape is focused on what you can give to that person, what need you can meet in that other person. It’s not thinking of yourself; it’s thinking of others first. Which definition sounds more like God or the example Jesus gave to us? I would choose agape.

Biblical Definition of Love

Agape love is all about giving—giving of ourselves. There are many examples of this from the Bible:

John 15:13 – Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

John 12:25 – He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.

John 13:34 – A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

1 Peter 4:8 – And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

Arguably, the best definition of love (charity) comes from 1 Corinthians 13. Paul tells us what love is and what love is not:

¹Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. ²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. ³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. ⁴Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, ⁵Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; ⁶Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; ⁷Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things…¹³And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

If you reference the passage above Paul gives us two lists in this scripture passage. Let’s look at them.

Love Is items are patient, kind, assumes the best, honest, reliable, encouraging, protecting.

Love Is NOT items are jealous, boastful, prideful, rude, selfish, angry, and celebrates sin.

If we look closely at these lists, we can see that the positive Love Is descriptors all affect how we treat each other. The negative Love Is Not