One Child's View: Family of Secret and Lies, #1

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all children, youth, and familles who have been affected by child abuse and neglect, as well as imperfections of the foster care system. It is my hope that you gain insight and become empowered with a wide open view of what can really occur inside the system.

Disclaimer

This book is a work of nonfiction and contains scenes of ongoing physical child abuse, child rape, and ongoing child sexual abuse by adults and may trigger memories of abuse for survivors.

I have made every effort to provide a quality reading experience for you, but editing and modern technology are fallible. Please feel free to contact me to report any formatting issues or typos that you find to [email protected].

Author’s Notes

All names in this book have been changed in order to maintain the dignity and privacy of others. This is Book 1 of the Family of Secrets and Lies series. It depicts language developed from a young person’s perspective, and the tone and vocabulary reflects the age and wisdom of a child.

About This Book

One Child’s View: A Foster Child’s Perspective is Book 1 of the Family of Secrets and Lies series. It is a 50,484-word non-fiction book that tells the story of a young girl who is placed lovingly in a temporary, informal foster home at the age of three years old, immediately following a major family crisis. She is then thrust into the chaos of the New York City foster care system, which becomes a long-term situation for her. One Child’s View also shows how caseworkers and supervisors are so overwhelmed that they fail to detect the continuing incidents of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and neglect involving children in their care, even when the evidence is staring them in the face.

Introduction

Iremember the day I created a journal to track all the flashbacks that started to occur several months earlier, triggered by a highly publicized news story involving child sexual abuse. I began to identify with the eight-year-old girl at the center of the story, thinking that I was just like her at one time. Fortunately for this little girl, she has her family and the community’s love and support. Like the little girl in the news story, I was once targeted and preyed upon by adult men who saw a cute little girl whose body they wanted to use and abuse.

Unfortunately, there were no adult relatives stepping in to rescue or comfort me, to remind me that what was done to me was not my fault. Trauma specialists and other therapists were not there to provide the necessary services that might have made things easier to deal with. The reality is that I was a foster child, and like many other children residing in foster homes, few people cared. Instead, I existed in a world where foster children were often blamed, shamed, gossiped about, and made to feel like less then a human being.

As an adult, I obtain my foster care documents and read what the foster care workers think of and write about most of the members of my family. In addition, there were ambiguous statements that were made regarding incidents of serious physical and sexual abuse after I disclose to the family caseworker. These were incidents of abuse that I have been subjected to since the age of eight years old. When I finally find the courage to speak up and tell trusted adults what I have been through, I am called a little slut by my foster mother and I am met with indifference by the family caseworker.

The child welfare workers in my life are not adequately trained, caseloads are high, and frustration tolerance levels are low. It appears that the anger and frustration felt by the workers are taken out on the children they are hired and legally obligated to protect. In most cases, the foster care workers in my life are not interested in knowing what is happening behind closed doors. My siblings and I feel lucky if we even have contact with the caseworkers that are assigned to work with our family.

They occasionally appear at our foster care placements to document that we are still alive.  It is my observation that most of the case documentation in the files is negative. I can recall one caseworker of many whom I have had a positive experience with. I feel that there are services available at the foster care agency that would add enrichment to my life, but they are are not offered to me. I learn about them long after I age out of the foster care system.

I never thought that the story of my life inside the foster care system would interest anyone outside my circle of friends and acquaintances. Not long after the flashbacks begin to occur, a friend suggests that I write a book detailing my foster care experiences and my journey through the system. She says that she sees many young people that are affected by the foster care system and they lack the resources that they need in order to later become independent, self-sufficient adults. She also tells me that she views me as a strong person, suggesting that I was put on this earth to tell my story, as well as the story of others.

In addition, she states that writing a book about my experiences in the foster care system would inspire and encourage young people that are in the system now, prompting them to want more out of life, much like I did when I was their age. Rather than flat out telling her that I have no interest at all in doing what she thinks I should do, I tell her that I will think about it. Internally, I really want no part in writing a book on my foster care experiences and I disagree with her belief that writing a book would be a positive experience. Revealing the deep, dark, and painful secrets of my past is not an easy thing to do, especially when I know that I will have to admit to myself that I aged out of the foster care system without having a forever family. In addition, I am also thinking of the fact that although I have five brothers and one sister, I haven’t seen or heard from any of them since we were children.

My response to my friend’s suggestion is one of disbelief. She is not part of the foster care alumni community, and I feel that she cannot identify with what I am thinking and feeling. How could she? Initially, I want no part of writing a book about my foster care experiences and I try hard to make the memories of my past go away. As the parent of a young son, I want to shield him from that part of my life. I am comfortable disclosing to a handful of people about my childhood experiences, but I am not so sure that I want to share those experiences with the rest of the world.

Although many consider me a success story, having graduated from college twice and being armed with the necessary skills that one needs in order to obtain employment and achieve economic self-sufficiency, I don’t always feel like a success story. Furthermore, I think to myself that if I do end up writing a book, I have no idea of the type of message that I want to convey. She has to be joking, I say to myself as I think of what she is suggesting. To begin with, I aged out of the foster care system a very long time ago.

I don’t see how my story is relevant to the issues of today. I think to myself that no one cares to know what life was like for foster children back then. What has changed from then to now? What would make my story significant?

As my friend continues in her attempt at convincing me to tell my story, she says that my experiences as a long-term foster child have valuable meaning. She reminds me that most books on foster care and child abuse have been told from the professional’s point of view, comparing my situation to war veterans. She says that I have the experience of being on the front line, as opposed to someone who has studied people on the front line and made it through. She wants me to think of myself as a teacher or trainer, providing specific examples from my own life story.

I am also reminded that only a small percentage of books have been written to convey what children experience and how they feel about living with strangers and being subjected to maltreatment. When several other friends suggest that I write a book about my experiences in foster care and my journey through the system, I reconsider writing that book. I am in my early forties when I begin my healing journey, and family members and other loved ones do not surround me. Even still, I am living the life that is meant for me. Despite my childhood experiences and upbringing, I have a good life. I am a master’s-level professional with expertise and knowledge that is valued and respected. I feel like I am not just a survivor but I am also thriving.

Writing about eighteen years of foster care involvement, I certainly have a lot to say. I decide to write a series of books to tell my story. The Family of Secrets and Lies series will include three books detailing my experiences and my journey through the system. One Child’s View is Book 1 of the Family of Secrets and Lies series. It tells the story of how it all begins. It is the most painful because the first half focuses on the trauma and abuse that I am subjected to, in addition to the helplessness I feel as a victim of abuse and neglect.

The book also shows how foster care workers and supervisors lack care and concern regarding what is going on inside the foster care placements. The child welfare system is supposed to offer support services to families, to help prevent child abuse and neglect, and to provide services for children that have been abused and neglected prior to entering the foster care system. At a certain point in my childhood, I live as a typical child. Despite what is happening behind closed doors, I have playmates and am surrounded by family. There are a lot of people who are not even aware that I am a foster child. They certainly have no idea of the house of horrors that I am forced to live in.  Like most battered children, I hide it well.

One of this book’s main goals is to convey to foster children, foster youth, and foster care alumni that all hope is not lost, despite a history of foster care involvement. I would also like to let adults know how their actions can have results that are devastating to children. Foster care is designed as a convenient way for states to deal with children whose parents are unable or unwilling to take care of them. The system can also throw young people into emotional chaos.

As an alumna of the foster care system, I am often asked what it was like for me as a child on my first few days of going into the foster care system. That is a question I have never been able to answer. I enter the foster care system at three years old, along with my baby brother and two older brothers. I have no memory of my life prior to the age of eight, except for a few flashbacks involving incidents of abuse.

From the ages of three to eight, I live in a world of silence, having developed Selective Mutism shortly after the incident that led to our foster care involvement. Interestingly, most people don’t seem to notice or care. They often say, she’s the quiet one when referring to me. It isn’t until my foster mother enrolls me in school at the age of eight years old that I begin to speak again.

My Selective Mutism comes as a result of the trauma that I experience. It is unclear if it is the trauma that I experience from the loss of my baby sister and being separated from my natural family, or if it comes as a result of the traumatic experiences I endure at the hands of abusive foster parents and indifferent foster care caseworkers. In eighteen years of living in the system, I reside in over twelve foster homes and two foster group homes. There are several other placements that I have a vague memory of, but I can only remember those fourteen placements vividly.

Foster care is supposed to be a safe and temporary solution for children and families, with the goal of children returning home to their families of origin within a reasonable amount of time. In the New York City foster care system, that rarely occurs. The foster care system in New York City is said to be one of the most dangerous, and foster children are known to spend more time there than anywhere else in the country. Three of the seven of us placed in the foster care system between 1967 and 1975 are adopted. My two youngest brothers are born in the mid-1970’s and adopted in the late 1970’s by families not related to us. My sister is born in 1969 and is adopted in the 1980s by my aunt and uncle, despite the agency’s knowledge of the long-term physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect that exists inside that foster care placement.

The emotional damage, in addition to the abuse suffered at the hands of a system that is designed to keep children safe, should be unacceptable. More often than not, state and city foster care workers are aware of the problems but choose not to address them. There is a common belief that long-term foster care is permanently unstable and generally damaging, suggesting that a situation involving short-term foster care involvement prepares for a child’s future with a clearly defined purpose. In contrast, long-term foster care lacks focus and planning.

The agency often tolerates or looks the other way when it comes to the behavior of foster parents that would otherwise become the focus of a child abuse and neglect investigation if it involves birth parents. Although some positive changes have been made in the child welfare system over the past few decades, a lot of work still needs to be done. The system is just as broken now as it was when I lived in it. The media