Making Sense of "It": A Guide to Sex for Teens (and Their Parents, Too!)

INTRODUCTION

Dear Teen,

So, your parent bought this book for you, huh? Don’t worry. Mine did, too. I mean, not this book, but another book. One that was just about puberty. But for me, that was it. We didn’t talk about the book, what it said, or anything. There was no conversation. There wasn’t an attitude like, Let’s figure this out or, Hey, this is important and I am here for you. It was just a book, on my pillow when I got home from school. I remember trying to talk to my mom about what I read (there was no way I was going to talk to my dad) and that experience being embarrassing and also disappointing. My mom, who was so good at talking to me about so many other things and making sure I knew I was valued and important, couldn’t talk to me about sex. I guess she answered my questions about my period and sexual health (i.e. made sure I started seeing a gynecologist) but other than that? Nothing except, Just don’t do ‘it.’

You got this book and rolled your eyes, didn’t you? Simmer down and give it a chance!

I had all these questions! What did it mean to do it? What about masturbation, is that okay? Am I dirty for having sexual fantasies? What about kissing, is that safe? What if I touch someone’s penis, can I get pregnant? Giving a blow job is safe, right? If I take the pill I am totally safe, right? If I douche after sex, I won’t get pregnant, right? And forget discussing my sexual identity or who I was attracted to. I had so. Many. Questions. And I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I grew up in a house where knowledge and discovery were treasured and encouraged. But in this one simple gesture, I felt like this was the one subject that I couldn’t talk about. Bummer.

So, while your parents also went and bought this book, this book is different. It’s different because it isn’t meant to be the end-all, be-all about sex and sexuality. This book is meant to help you start and continue to have conversations about sex and sexuality. It’s designed to ensure that the dialogue between you and your parent(s) isn’t closed but always open. Because they don’t have all the answers. I don’t have all the answers. But I am committed to helping and honoring you wherever you are in your desire to learn about sex and sexuality. And so are your parents. We want you to have the facts. Medically accurate information that ensures you have all the information to make the best decisions for your sexual health throughout your life—whether you’re 17, 25, 45 or 85 (because, yeah, even your grandparents are having sex).

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UGH. DO WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT?

Okay, so your parents got this book because they want you to know you can talk to them about all things sex-related. That’s easy to say, but not easy to do. It’s one thing to talk to your parents about reproductive anatomy or periods or even about contraception when it isn’t about you. But what about when it is? And how do you begin to talk to them about your sexuality? What if your sexual identity doesn’t align with your biological body parts? And how about talking to them about who you’re attracted to and when you should become sexually active? Do those kinds of conversations freak you out when you think of having them with your parents? My guess is that, regardless of what kind of relationship you have with your parents, you have some anxiety around talking to them about the sex things.

Okay, here’s the biggest thing to remember about talking to your parents about sex and sexuality: they are humans. That means that at one point in their lives, they probably had the same questions you do. Maybe not exactly the same, but no one was born knowing this information. The way your parents learned about sex might have been a great experience or it may have been not the best. But, here’s the thing—they want you to know about sex so that you can make informed decisions and stay safe. They also want you to have a sexually healthy relationship when you’re ready. Meaning, they know sex can be pleasurable and they want you to be able to experience that—with the right partner and at the right time.

We know talking to your parents about sex isn’t easy. But why? Why is this topic so hard to talk about? Well, for one thing, it’s private. It involves your private parts, and sexual acts are something to do with a romantic partner. Sex, sexual health, sexuality—these topics aren’t exactly dinner-table topics in the United States. Just so you know, there are countries out there where families do talk about sexuality at the dinner table and it is the norm, not the exception. In these countries (like Denmark, Sweden and the Nether-lands) unplanned teen pregnancies are much lower. In fact, the United States has a higher rate of unplanned teen pregnancies than in most other developed countries.¹ Why do you think that is? Studies show that in addition to having high unplanned teen pregnancy rates, the United States also has higher rates of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). What’s the fundamental difference here? Those other countries talk about sex early and often in a way that is developmentally appropriate. That means that when a teen decides they want to have sex, they have all the facts and can make informed decisions about how to stay safe and how to advocate for themselves in a sexual relationship. So, whether your parents started talking to you as a young child about consent and what the right names of the body parts are or whether they are just beginning to, give them a break. They are trying to talk about it.

Okay, so maybe you and your mom aren’t going to have this picture-perfect setting for a conversation, but the important thing is you’re both making time to talk about all the things.

Just because your parents want to talk with you about sex and sexuality doesn’t mean you all have to agree on everything. Spoiler alert: your parents (just like you) have a lot of opinions and values about sex. So, asking your parents what they think about different things we’ll talk about in this book can start the conversation. You can also figure out what they think by using the conversations starters at the end of each chapter, or by trying something more general like, Did your parents ever talk to you about sex? What was that like? Or how about, I think some of my friends are having sex, and I want to know what you think about that. Or, you could try, What’s one thing you wish you knew before you started having sex?

Remember, your parents are new to this, too. In order for them to be comfortable sharing information about their own experiences or values about sex and sexuality, they are going to want the same things you want: trust, respect, and a relationship that is judgment-free. I guarantee that your parents probably have some pretty interesting experiences about their own sexual journeys. But, you need to respect their boundaries (just like they need to respect yours). There are some things that will (and should) remain private (for both of you). Just remember, your parents will appreciate your honesty and openness, just like you will appreciate theirs.

1Guttmacher Institute. 2001. Differences in Teenage Pregnancy Rates Among Five Developed Countries: The Roles of Sexual Activity and Contraceptive Use." Accessed January 17, 2018. http://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2001/11/differences-teenage-pregnancy-rates-among-five-developed-countries-roles .

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A FEW NOTES FOR THE PARENTS

Talking to your kids about the, um, sex stuff can be overwhelming, scary and intimidating, and sometimes feel like you’re throwing spaghetti on the wall to see if it sticks. Even for those of us who do this for a living, no one feels totally prepared for the first time we are asked, Where do babies come from? (Especially when it happens in response to your question of whether they wanted milk or water with their dinner. . . .)

The good news? You care, and you want to do what is best for your child. That attitude alone means you have taken the first step to being an askable adult. What’s that, you say? Well, an askable adult is a person who feels comfortable with others asking them some pretty personal stuff, because they know and trust that you’re going to respond to them with care, compassion and respect. That you aren’t going to judge them for being curious, and you aren’t going to laugh at them for asking. That’s it. That’s the goal. So, congratulations on taking the first step—you bought this book! And this book is filled with basic information about sex and sexuality (because they are different) that you can use to help answer your teen’s questions. There are conversation-starters that can help you and your youth have meaningful discussions, and there are fun facts and myth-busters throughout. In no way is this a medical journal. Nor does it strive to be the end-all, be-all when it comes to sex and sexuality. There are lots of great resources, organizations, doctors, and nurses that can get into some of the details with you and your teen if you need it. The intent of this book is simply to help you have the important conversations that are critical to keeping your kiddo safe and healthy. And why me? Because I’m a parent, too. I just happen to be a parent who has been working as a professional in the sex education field for fourteen years who’s talked to lots of parents and teens about this stuff. I am a parent who wants her kids to grow up in a society where people of every gender and orientation are treated equally. I am a parent who wants people who are having sex to be having consensual and pleasurable sex. When I started in this field, there were still a lot of scare tactics being used, like, Look at this picture of the penis with herpes! If you don’t want herpes, then don’t have sex! There was also a lot of money (both private and federal) going into programs that shamed youth for their sexual feelings, and stigmatized youth who didn’t fall into traditional gender roles or heterosexual relationships. Programs that didn’t account for the fact that there are people in our society who suffer from trauma both personally and historically, as well as programs that didn’t account for the fact that teens are really smart and, given the facts, are perfectly capable of making decisions about their bodies.

We all start somewhere. I came into this field wanting youth to be empowered to make decisions about their sex lives, and I have dedicated my career to this purpose, working nationally with some of the smartest folks in this field and learning as much as I could. Some people know a lot about sex and sexuality, and some don’t, and that’s okay. I’m not going to judge, because there was a time in my life when I didn’t know what I currently know, and I learn something new in this field every day. So, know you aren’t alone. Know that you have resources. And know that we are all just parents trying to help our children live sexually healthy lives.

THE TALK

Here’s the thing. There isn’t just one talk. Sexuality should be something that is discussed often. There are so many aspects to sex. There isn’t anyone in the world who can cover everything in just one talk. So, relax. These conversations don’t have to cover every single thing every time the topic of sex and sexuality come up. Conversations about sex and sexuality can happen in the car, in the kitchen, on vacation, just about anywhere. They can be initiated by you, or your teen might bring up a question (or lots of questions). These are what we in the sex ed biz call teachable moments.

A teachable moment means that the parent seizes the moment as it presents itself in a conversational and casual manner. A teachable moment gives you an opportunity to help your teen understand concepts about sexuality. For example, it may be that you and your teen are watching TV together and there is a sex scene. Rather than just ignoring it, talk about it with your teen. Ideally in that moment, but maybe for your relationship it will be better to come back to that scene at a later date. Talk with your teen about whether they saw consent being asked for and given. Or whether those engaged in a sexual act used any form of protection against STIs and pregnancy (if it’s heterosexual sex). If it isn’t heterosexual sex, there are other opportunities for discussions. The opportunities are endless, really. But as a parent, you shouldn’t feel like that one TV show sex scene is the time where you have to cram in a ton of conversation and information. Choose one or two things to focus on—it’s a two-minute conversation with basic info and succinct statements.

The purpose of these teachable moments (aside from getting some info out there) is to open dialogue. Rather than criticizing the fact that the couple on the screen didn’t use a condom, ask your teen something like, I wonder if they used a condom. What do you think? By asking your teen their thoughts you will learn a lot about their base knowledge level, what their values around different aspects of sex and sexuality are, and what they know about different sexual health concepts. Maybe your teen responds, No, they wouldn’t use a condom because condoms don’t do anything. Well, then, as a parent, you have a lot of information about where your teen is, and you can make sure, either in the moment or later, to have a further conversation about the effectiveness of condoms, steps for use, why they are important, and even what impact TV shows might have on youth with regard to condom use.

Teachable moments are everywhere (not just TV). They can happen when you’re listening to music together, watching a movie together, passing a billboard while driving, or talking about a friend’s behavior or decision. Since just about everything can be a teachable moment, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent if you don’t take advantage of each moment. That would be fairly impossible. Choose the times that fit for you and feel natural. If you present yourself as open and willing to discuss these things, your teen will often be the one who identifies the teachable moment themselves.

It’s important you know what you’re comfortable talking about. There might be some subjects in the realm of sexuality you’re really comfortable with. Others? Not so much. You might know a lot about periods, for example, but not a lot about gender identity. And guess what? That’s okay. You can’t be an expert on everything. The ability of a parent to say, I don’t know is huge. So, don’t be afraid to say it. In fact, showing your teen that you don’t know everything is really useful because they know it’s okay if they don’t know something.

If you say, I don’t know, let’s look it up! then do it.

By doing this, you’re also showing your teen a few other things that are vital to having open communication about sexuality besides honesty: reliability and partnership. By the way, coming back to your teen with the correct factual answer shows you’re committed to their knowledge and want them to have the right information so they can make the best decisions. Better yet, when you look up the answer together, not only are you demonstrating that you want your teen to be empowered, you’re showing them legitimate sites full of medically accurate information they can reference in the future. You’re showing your teen you’re there for them and you’re a willing partner as they try to figure out all the sex stuff. To help you both, each chapter has further informational resources you can use. Look them up together!

HOW TO KEEP YOUR COOL

The best way for a parent to avoid the deer-in-headlights, static-in-the-ears moment when presented with communicating with your teen about sex and sexuality is to know what you want to say before you find yourself in the moment. Think about your own values around issues of sex. Think about how you would respond to the following:

•How would I feel if my teen told me they are heterosexual?

•How would I feel if my teen told me they are homosexual?

•How would if feel if my teen told me they are bisexual?

•What do I think about gay marriage?

•What do I think about people who are attracted to males and females?

•If my teen was having sex, how would I feel about that?

•If I found out my teen was having sex in my house, how would I feel about that?

•How do I feel about masturbation?

•What are my thoughts about sexual assault?

•What if my teen told me they don’t identify as a male but have male genitalia? (or female if they have female genitalia)

•How do I feel about my teen having a child?

•How do I feel about abortion? For me? For my teen? For my teen’s partner?

Before you start using your search engine to find the answers, I’d check out the last section of this book for reliable and teen-friendly (and let’s be honest, parent-friendly) websites.

Thinking about how you feel about the above, and other situations, can help you frame your conversations with your teen. Maybe you have a value around something but don’t want to impart that value on your teen. Or, maybe you want to try to ensure that your teen values the same things as you. How you respond to questions will influence your teen, so thinking about what you want that influence to be prior to getting into the conversation is critical. Perhaps you want them to know you will love and support them no matter whom they are attracted to. Or maybe you want them to have a healthy sexual relationship with their partner, but not until they are married or after a certain age. Thinking about what you want for your teen and what you value will help you be prepared for those questions and revelations when they happen. Because, let’s face it, the conversations are going to happen when you least expect it. Parenting and teachable moments are rarely something you can predict!

You should also think about how much of your own experiences you want to share. Sharing personal experiences can help your teen see you as human and help normalize behavior and feelings. Throughout the book there are conversations starters, but you might not feel comfortable answering all the questions. That’s okay. You’re entitled to have your own boundaries when it comes to talking about your own sexuality, just like your teen. By modeling those boundaries, you’re actually showing your teen solid boundary-setting they can learn from. Are some things too private to discuss? If a question comes up that you aren’t comfortable answering, think about how you can make sure your teen gets the information without feeling judged